


That's where you're wrong

by drarrylicious



Category: StarKid Productions RPF
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, M/M, Necessary OOC, Opposites Attract, badboy!Darren, college!crisspez, crisspez, love triangle (kind of)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 128,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4988854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drarrylicious/pseuds/drarrylicious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The University of Michigan trembles in excitement when Darren Criss comes back after disappearing for a year. But things had changed, and he's not the only leader anymore. He challenges his best friend in what it seemed a fun bet: to get in Lauren Lopez's bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Strike one

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts, reblogs, comments, kudos, it's all very appreciated and gives me courage to keep going with the story. Thank you for reading! - Natt

 

> _“I became disoriented. But as I think about it, I think: **is this not how life is?** You think you are doing one thing, it turns out you have been doing something else entirely. Life has no plot, you only think it does, while all the time something without a plot is happening to you over and over. And you think you’ve had a beginning and a middle and an end, but all you’ve had is a start and a stop, and a lot of disorientation in between, trying to get a grip, hoping for true love. **Maybe you have a chance and you lose it,** **you don’t know where it went** , you’re not sure if you had it or who it was with. **Maybe the time you least thought it was meaningful at all** , **that was your one chance** …”_

-Summertime, Charles Mee.

* * *

 

**Chapter 1: Strike one**

Lauren didn’t like distractions.

Whenever her mind settled up on an objective, short or long term; anything that diverted her from it was pointless bother.  

That’s why she closed the dorm’s window when a herd of motorcycles started to mend close to her place. It was not a surprise- they disturbed the campus at the beginning of every year, before people complained with the executive committee and they had to limit their activities outside.

When the water heated up enough, she made herself a cup of tea. She glanced at the clock after drinking the first sip. Then she walked to the room next to hers, opening the door with a swipe.

“Thirty minutes!” Lauren warned, kind of upset her roommate was in such a heavily sleep. Mainly because she barely had gotten any herself. But her tone didn’t have an effect, the girl didn’t move a hair. She’d try again in ten minutes.

She finished her tea and put some concealer on the dark circles under her eyes. It wasn’t magical, but at least it wasn’t obvious she had been rolling on the bed until 4 in the morning. She left the empty cup and the makeup bag next to her notes on the table. Her second attempt to wake up her friend was in vain, too.

The herd of motorcycles went on a second round; and she frowned, annoyed, as she stood in front of the mirror and made a neat half tail with her hair. She wasn’t full aware yet, it wasn’t the mood she’d rather start classes with. She had already accomplished half of her career in the University of Michigan, but the second half was the most important, and the hardest. She had done it alright so far, but she definitely needed to get her crap together this year.

When the first class was ten minutes away, she grabbed her notes, and entered to the other room. She shamelessly turned the lights on, getting a howl as response.

“Are you stupid?!” Someone yelled at her with a hoarse _I-just-wake-up_ voice.

Something moved under the sheets, but it was hard to tell in which direction.

“Ten minutes, Caroline! See you there.”

 This was kind of the ritual of every year, too. If Lauren woke up ten minutes before class, you could be sure she’d never make it on time; but her roommate had this exceptional gift and she could always arrive to give her attendance.

While Lauren was walking down the stairs of their building, the guys on the bikes were still around. One of them passed dangerously close to her when she tried to walk through the road. She recognized him. It was Joe, one of the seniors of the same career as her, the drama major. He turned to the left and continued nonstop until one of the furthest points of the university, where he met his friends.

About four young men were enjoying the shade of the trees of that morning, sharing a bottle of beer to start the day (Some were both finishing it and starting it at the same time), and throwing a few meaningless conversations. Joe got off the bike, leaving it next to the rest; and a smile was drawn on his lips as he approached them.

“So, it’s true then.” He commented, first grabbing the glass of beer, and then stretching his other hand to a friend he knew very well, but hadn’t seen in a long while. He still didn’t know what to think about his appearance. The guy grabbed his hand and used it as a support to get up from the ground. “What brings you here again?”

Darren shrugged shortly. “Life.” He grabbed the beer right from his hand before Joe had a chance to drink. He didn’t realize, but that was annoying. He thought his return would be all about good news, especially when it came to Joe, one of his closest friends. “So, what did I miss?”

 

* * *

 

 

Lauren yawned once again while leafing through her notes. As soon as the teacher gave them the curriculum, she’d try to study in advance as much as she could. Study in advance was actually her best trick for conceptual notes. As much as the teacher said the most important grades were based on the exams, they always helped that student who knew the answer since the first class.

She picked up the bag from the desk next to hers when Caroline arrived into the classroom. If someone else occupied that seat, she’d have to bring one from another class. The professor interrupted their speech for a few seconds, before realizing who it was. They’ve already had him on Mondays mornings last year.

“It’s good to know you’ll keep interrupting my classes this year, Miss Brown.” The professor commented, and a low laugh echoed. Lauren didn’t laugh.

“Thanks, honey.” The girl whispered as she sat down. Her red hair was still messy and she seemed aroused. Lauren tried to ignore it and kept on taking notes from what the teacher was saying. But the peace didn’t last long. She added quickly. “You won’t believe what Julia told me in the hall.”

Evidently, Caroline was waiting she asked what it was, but the fact that Lauren didn’t do it wouldn’t stop her.

“Remember that guy Darren Criss? He’s back in Michigan. I guess he’ll be in some of our classes.”

“Mm, who?” Lauren didn’t even look away from her notebook.

“Darren Criss.” She repeated, frustrated at her friend’s ignorance. “You can’t not remember him!”

“Shhh.” Lauren said, worried she was being too loud. “I’m pretty sure I don’t know him.”

“He was in our classes half of freshman year, but then he moved to San Francisco because he got a music contract. Hadn’t you seen his music video?” Before Lauren even had time to think and say no, Caroline continued, barely taking a short breather. “Well, the thing is he came back! And he’s kinda famous now, so that’s that.”

“Okay.” She just replied, upset because she lost the track on the professor’s discourse.

“Do you remember him now?”

“No. Why is it important?”

“Everyone’s talking about it.”

“So…?”

Caroline sighed, “I’m just trying to make our Monday a little interesting. Never mind. Do you have a pen? I forgot mine.”

Lauren shook her head with a little grin on her lips; as she searched for the pen in her bag.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So, to sum it up, Brian finally got his Harley, and…” Jeff explained, even though he was omitting to mention a very important matter. Brian’s chest inflated proudly. “I got rid off my acne, too. So we’re even.” He joked.

Darren noted that they were hiding something. He wasn’t totally catching up. But he didn’t try to force it to come out.

“How did you get the money for your Harley, Brian?”  Darren asked, despite he didn’t really pay attention to his explanations. Something about a garage, and his father. Meanwhile, someone else arrived. He put his Harley with theirs, but Darren was sure he hadn’t seen him before. “Who’s this guy?” He asked.

“That’s Richard.” Brian said. “He’s only a sophomore but he throws these amazing parties at his house, and he’s been following us for like two months last year so Joe decided to give him a shot.”

“Hey, Richard!” Darren called. The thin, tall brunette looked at him with a frown; taking a few seconds to recognize him. “I’m Darren.” He introduced, offering his hand.

“Yeah, I’ve heard about you. What brings you back to Michigan?” he politely said as he shook it.

The question of the year. Darren giggled shortly.

“Michigan has the best parties. Go Blue.” He turned around before Richard had time to say something else. “Hey, guys, what is Devin up to?” He continued abruptly, as if a struck just hit him. He had been remembering her on and off since he took the decision to go back to Michigan.

There was an awful, eternal silence after that question. It seemed as if nobody had the courage to answer. Darren had dated Devin since the second week in college and they hadn’t spent half minute away until he moved out. They were absolutely in love- and by that I mean as much in love as two freshmen in college with a dozen of exams and free bar every weekend fifteen minutes away could be. But they did date, and that was the issue.

“A lot of things happened, Darren.” Joe finally said, kinda bitter, kinda ashamed. He thought they wouldn’t have to touch the Devin subject until… a long later. What was he supposed to say? Darren wasn’t supposed to come back. “You left.”

“What does that mean?” Not even a fly dared to buzz, and the silence pissed him off more. “What the fuck?!”

It couldn’t be what his instincts were telling him. He walked to Joe, dangerously close, with his eyebrows up. Joe was looking down at first, but then he took a long breath, and stared back, defiantly. Darren tried to decode the meaning of it, and the word _war_ kept echoing distantly in his head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the classes were okay (As okay as a Monday morning of the first day in the academy term could be), but that night when Caroline offered to make dinner, the thermostat remote started messing with them. After 15 minutes the entire apartment became so cold that Caroline was walking around the house with a blanket. Lauren gave up on trying to understand the instructions and said she was going to Administration and see if she could get a new remote. Luckily, it wasn’t that far and it was no big deal to get there.

Outside of the Administration Department there was a guy crouched under a motorbike (by what Lauren could tell) trying to fix it or something; he had a gripper or a tool that looked like it. He didn’t notice her as she passed by. She sat down in the reception to wait; she could see through the transparent wall that there was someone else inside.

The waiting wasn’t peaceful either. On that instant, the guy outside started his motorbike, but didn’t go away. It seemed as if he was trying to test it, but couldn’t he do that somewhere else? She tried to ignore but he wouldn’t stop after like tree minutes, it was very annoying. She finally walked out of the reception again.

“Excuse me!” Lauren yelled, trying to make herself heard above the sound of that engine. “You, bike guy!” She said doubtful, not knowing how to call him. “There’s people trying to talk in here!” He didn’t need to know she was just waiting.

“What?”

He only understood what she was trying to say after a while, but he sat down from his position to look at her. It was just then, when the light of the lamppost lit his face that she realized who it was. Some dark curls fell onto his forehead and his face was a little sweaty. She did remember him! The memories were vague, but basically, yeah, as Caroline said, he attended to their career for a few months and he was part of Joe Walker’s group, despite being younger. She had always thought they were nothing but a pair of lazy idiots, and couldn’t care about them less.

 “You’re making a lot of noise and the walls here are thin. Please, go somewhere else.” The fact that she said please didn’t make her petition more polite or less cheeky.

“The campus is mine as it yours, and I want to make noise with my bike _here._ I’m sorry, babe.” His tone was so fake he didn’t even seem to try.

Lauren frowned, not only mad at his reply but also the way he said it. Not only that, then he grabbed the handlebars, started the bike and sped up, without moving from its place. It was a very loud racket.

Lauren was offended that he wouldn’t even let her reply. That was so disrespectful. She walked right to him. “Can you not?!”

Darren stopped the bike almost right away this time, and looked at her again. He wanted to laugh, but he held it.

Maybe it was curiosity, on first instance, what allured him about her.

“I’m not in a position in which I’d like to waste time.” He muttered seriously.

“Great, because my hobbie is to come here every night and let everyone just walk over me.” Lauren added sarcastically.

“You have a point there. I’ll let you that one.” Darren shrugged, deciding that was fair. “Look, I’d go somewhere else, but I happen to be new here and I don’t know the place. Would you show me around?”

Lauren didn’t have to be very smart to realize there was a second intention under that suggestion. He was trying to fool her; and it’d insult her that he forgot that they knew each other, if it wasn’t because she forgot about him first.

“You’re _new_?” She tilted her head in disbelief.

“Yeah, why are you looking at me like that?”

“That’s the way I look at liars, Criss.” She said disapprovingly.

Darren frowned. “That’s weird.” He shook his head. “I think I’d remember you if I had seen you before.”

He checked her out from head to toes, as in slow motion, after saying that.

“Hey!” Lauren complained, this time totally upset.

“Sorry. That’s the way I look at hot girls, darling.” He mimicked her with a prude grin.

Lauren snorted. She was _so_ out of that conversation, and the rage was settled in her stomach so hard that he walked directly to the room again. Darren didn’t take a long time before he started focusing in the bike again. She was upset for allowing him to upset her; if that made sense. He was an idiot, better to stay out of his way until he decided again he was so much better than this university.

Caroline almost screamed when she saw her entering again. She had made a shelter out of blankets. It was freaking freezing in there.

“So? Did you get the remote?” She asked anxiously.

Lauren felt she should stab herself of embarrassment in that moment.

“Fuckkkk. The remote!” She cried.

Caroline was kind of astonished. Lauren wasn’t the kind of person who forgets things on a daily basis.


	2. The bet

**Chapter 2: The bet**

The first week was a fair sampling of what that year would be like. By Friday, Lauren had an entire one page list of books to retire from the library, and what it seemed like a not-very-fun weekend ahead. Plus, Mrs. Wood, the professor of Dramaturgy, announced an optional project in which she’d give a prize by the end of the year to the essay she thought deserved it the most; topic free to pick under the history of dramaturgy. As soon as the words _extra credit_ were mentioned, she was in. She knew she had one long year to work on it, but the sooner she could choose a theme she liked, the best.

So when that Friday afternoon she headed to the University’s library, she thought she was going to enjoy a peaceful time alone, in silence. It seemed almost as if she was prophesying a catastrophe. Lauren walked to the reception to search for the books on her list in the archive, but meanwhile she heard a pair of voices that were particularly loud and indiscrete to be in that place.

She glanced quickly towards the studying zone (Not only it was close to a coffee machine, but it was the only part of the library with decent chairs), and she confirmed her suspicions. Joe Walker’s group was in there, talking and –as far as she noticed- no one didn’t even hold a pen. Didn’t they have somewhere else to go to waste their time?

What was truly kind of freaking her out was that guy Darren Criss, who was in there, too. And this wasn’t for no reason. She couldn’t get out of her mind something she heard that Tuesday, the day after they had that unpleasant encounter outside of the Administration Department.

 

It was all an unfortunate coincidence. She was going to the store to get something for dinner, when she saw two guys involved in what it seemed a fight, or a really uptight discussion; pretty close to the entrance of the campus, near a corner. She didn’t recognize them at first, and afraid they weren’t students, she quickly stepped back and waited a little while where they couldn’t see her. It wasn’t her intention to hear what they were saying at all, but then she realized they were Joe Walker and someone else- probably that guy Brian Holden.

“I tell you, I have no fucking clue who it is, but when I find out…”

“We’re going to find out, Joe, _we’re going_.” Brian assured, but his tone sounded sort of nervous. “You know they can’t get away with something like that, not with us.”

“Who could’ve fucking done that?!” Joe sounded really pissed off. “Why? I bet it must be one of those jilted guys from Minnesota. Those idiots have hated us as long as I can remember.”

“We’ll find out after we report it… it’s a crime!”

“No!” It seemed as if Brian wanted to help, but he couldn’t get it right. “We can’t report it! Under any condition, Brian. The police station in charge of this zone wants to see me dead after what happened last year. Remember? They’ll work against us and I’ll never get my bike back again.” Joe snorted abruptly. “I can’t believe they did this.”

“They’ll pay. Whoever did it. We’ll find out.”

“You can be fucking sure I will.” Joe finished off as he walked away, passing dangerously near Lauren, but without turning back or even perceiving her existence.

Lauren waited a few seconds before turning around the block. Brian was nowhere to be seen by then. She continued her walk to the grocery store, but a knot was terribly adjusting around her neck, and she couldn’t get that conversation of her mind. Neither she could then, neither she could in the entire week.

 

Something stopped her from telling people about it. She almost confessed it to Caroline like a dozen of times, but she finally swallowed her words back in. Maybe it was just that she wasn’t sure what she heard or what it meant, or maybe she was just trying to make herself the less involved on the matter as she could. But how could she ignore such event?

Everything was indicating that it was Darren Criss the guy who stole Joe’s motorbike. Everything. When Lauren saw him, he was fixing it in a very particular place. He couldn’t turn it on, or make it move, or something. And he said he wouldn’t like to waste time. And the next day, that guy’s bike mysteriously disappeared? It had to be him.

What confused her was that they appeared to be friends. What if it was all a misunderstood? She didn’t want to cause a mess. But a grand part of her was pleading her to say it, to please her necessity to do the right thing.

So that’s why seeing them together at the library was freaking her out. She didn’t yield though, she was determined to study in her usual spot. They couldn’t handle a long time in that place whatsoever, right?

She didn’t look around as she walked to an empty table. She knew that as soon as she gave them the chance they’d start to mess with her. And the distance was perfect because she couldn’t hear what they were saying, despite they still were loud enough to bother her.

Darren wet his lips slowly as he leaned over a little bit, losing the track on the conversation. He did so much that he didn’t even care to interrupt Jeff as he commented.

“Look who came.”

Everyone’s head turned into the direction in which Lauren had been walking without putting an effort to disguise it.

They did kinda have the intention to study, at first. It was Jeff’s idea, and he texted Brian and Richard, whom he shared classes with, to work on an essay due next week; but it wasn’t long until the word spread and Darren, Joe and Jim showed up too. The result was Richard working as if he had four hands, and everyone else making plans for that night. There was an illegal street bike race circuit that used to be very popular a few years back. Darren was disappointed to hear the police broke down the system and it was abandoned now. What were they supposed to the whole year?

“Lopez?” Brian said, surprised she got Darren’s attention. “I haven’t seen her outside of her dorm during these three years.”

“Yeah, but look at her.” Darren continued, absorbed.

She had a black tight little skirt, and a sort of transparent sky-blue blouse that outlined her torso. Her short brunette hair was falling onto her face, and she was continuingly putting it behind her ear. Her expression was absolutely focused on reading five different books at the same time, he couldn’t see which books they were. Her feet was shaking in an anxious tick, and she wet her index finger with her tongue every once in a while to keep turning pages. She found her not absurdly pretty, but more as beautifully fascinating. Intriguing.

“Not bad.” Joe added, shrugging. “I think I saw her with a guy, like, two years ago. Keaton S. something? From NYU?”

“Isn’t he like 28?” Brian asked, curious.

Joe nodded. “She might not be what you think, bro. I wouldn’t let that nerdy look carry me away.”

 Jeff winced. “I don’t know, man. I say she has the V-card.” He commented as if he truly knew what he was talking about.

“No, you guys don’t get it.” Brian said, frustrated. “I’ve been with a girl like her before. It’s not the deal _if_ to have sex or not, it’s _how_.” He stood up, and even Richard stopped his writing to pay attention. Brian made a gesture as pretending he was fucking a girl from behind. “Okay,” he indicated. Then he made like he was getting a blowjob. “Okay,” Then he pretended to be on the missionary position on the table, almost throwing on the floor a pile of books. “NOT okay.”

The boys found it hilarious. As they were laughing their asses off, Darren rested his back on the chair, still staring at Lauren.

“So? Which one is she?” Jeff asked.

Brian shrugged, still not getting up from the table. Instead, he called. “Hey, Lauren!”

The girl instinctively looked at them. Brian repeated the same inappropriate but shameless gesture; and they laughed again like if they’ve never heard something funnier. Lauren didn’t give him more time to stand up and continue his performance. She turned her eyes away, holding her best resting-bitch-face while she closed her _Dramatic Criticism_ book, piled them all and grabbed all she could before taking off.

“You finished?” Darren asked, unamused.

“Don’t be a hero, Darren.” Joe said. “A girl like that would never pay attention to you.”

“I’m sorry?” Not only he stole his ex-girlfriend, he also had the privilege to lecture him about dating now. “She’d choose me a million times before you.”

Joe laughed, but it was pretty sarcastic. He noted the challenging tone on Darren’s voice.

“Yeah, right.”

“You’d have zero chances. She’s not like…” He wanted to say Devin, but he didn’t. “any of your girls.”

“And what makes you think you could do any better than me?” Joe straightened his back on the chair

“Are you kidding me? I could get any girl, anywhere, anytime.” His tone was smug, but he was a little annoyed now.

Joe raised his eyebrows. “Let’s bet on it, then.”

Darren wanted to smile. He had been so wishing for a moment like that. Joe as the only leader of the group was seriously boring, he needed to break the harmony once and for all.

“What’s your statement?”

“The one that gets on Lopez’s bed first, and is able to tell if she was a virgin or not, wins.”

Darren’s fingers were taping the table. He looked at Joe. “Wins what?”

“I would bet my bike, but see, that’s a little bit problematic right now.”

This time Darren couldn’t help but to grin slightly. “I bet mine. If you win, which you won’t, it’s yours. But if I win, you’re banned from having sex.”

Joe laughed, and the rest quickly joined him. It was a good prize to pay though. “What?”

“If I win, you can’t have sex with anyone from this university until you’re out.”

“No way.” Joe refused. It was supposed to be his last year, but it still wasn’t worth it.

“Scared?”

Darren knew that there was something they had in common, and it was that he couldn’t say no to a challenge.

Joe stood up. “Fuck, let’s do it.”

Darren grinned. “Remember that the word spreads very quickly in here.”

“It’ll go even faster when I’ll get your bike.”

Darren stood up as well. “It’s a bet.” He whispered, as he shook Joe’s hand.

The tension was almost touchable. Pretending it was as two years before was pointless. Things changed, and they both had done things that were absolutely ineffaceable by then.

“Wait, you’re gonna try to sleep with Lauren?” Richard said. “What about Devin?”

Joe messed with Richard’s hair, playfully, as he sat down again.

“You’re still a noob, Rick.”

Darren didn’t sit down. He grabbed his keys and packet of cigarettes from the table.

“Taking off?” Brian asked.

“Rising early doesn’t always help, dude.” Joe messed with him. “Do you think you’ll get her to sleep with you in a day?”

“A master never reveals his secrets, you should probably learn that.” Darren put his things in the pocket of his hoodie and left.

He walked quickly down the stairs, looking around to see if he could find Lauren anywhere near. He didn’t take too long, he spotted her inside of the Hard Rock Café, one of the most interesting places on the campus.

Darren walked inside and took a seat in front of her, at her table, without hesitating for one second. Lauren didn’t close her book this time. She barely lift her gaze, but she closed her eyes for a second, sighing, wondering what on earth has she done to deserve this.

“What. Are you. Doing here?”

 “I’m sorry.” Darren said with a low, but honest tone. “My friends are assholes.”

Lauren nodded. “True. I reject your apology, though.”

A sight of a grin showed up on Darren’s lips. “You reject it? Why?”

“Your friends are assholes. Therefore, you’re an asshole by association.”

Darren crossed his fingers and rested his elbows on the table, leaning a little bit forwards. “That’s a pretty judgmental statement. You don’t know me.” His tone was soft.

Lauren put down her _Dramatic Criticism_ book, imitating his position.

“You were there while they were acting like jerks, and you didn’t do anything. It makes you just as bad as them.”

The waiter from Hard Rock thought it was a great moment to interrupt.

“What can I get you?” Nick said. Lauren knew him; he was a friend of Caroline and was on freshman year.

Darren and Lauren answered different things at the same time.

“Two coffees, please.”

“Nothing, thanks.” Lauren stared at him. “I’m leaving.” She cleared.

“Let me make it up for what happened.” Darren insisted. “Two coffees.” He repeated to Nick, and he nodded, and proceeded to walk to the kitchen.

“It’s not gonna make it up.” Lauren shook her head. “The best you all can do is stay away from me. We don’t like each other, so there’s no reason to force this through awkwardness.”

Darren arched his eyebrows, “ _We_? You cleared up already why you don’t like me, but I’ve never said _I_ don’t like _you_.”

“You wouldn’t like me if you knew what I know.”

“What do you mean?”

Lauren whispered. “I know what you did.” She wet her lips, but she didn’t break the eye contact. “You stole Joe’s bike.”

Darren’s face went blank for a few seconds. He looked astonished.

Nick thought this was also a great moment to bring their coffees to the table. Darren leaned back on the chair, kinda annoyed, both in silence, as he left.

“How do you know about…?” He turned his head to look around and make sure they were the only ones there.

“It was a matter of getting two pieces together, it’s pretty obvious.” She showed off, whilst it was a lie; but he didn’t have to know she overheard a conversation.

“Well,” he mumbled. “to be honest, you really don’t know what you’re saying. I’m giving Joe his bike back, eventually.”

“Look, I don’t know your intern group struggles, or what is going on with you two, but…” Lauren struggled to find the words. She didn’t want to sound _so_ rude, but there was no other way to say it. “I’m gonna report you.”

Darren limited himself to snort. “Are you a sneak?”

“What you did wasn’t right, under any condition. I’m not going to be a complicit!” She complained. “So if you don’t give it back soon, I’m gonna tell.”

“You’re also threatening me now?” He was close to being amused.

“Stop trying to make me sound like the bad one in here. I was just trying to study and get my shit done.”

Darren glanced at her books, while he drank some of his coffee.

“Dickinson… Shakespeare… Something not less dramatic than yourself, I see.” He joked, smirking.

Lauren frowned. “Excuse me?”

“What are you working on?” He tried to pass by that accusation.

“I gotta do a project about dramaturgy, and I know I’m gonna go for classic period drama, but I haven’t choose the topic yet.”

“Always go for Shakespeare.” He recommended. “He saved my ass the last years.”

“I’m not doing it just to save my ass.” Lauren replied. “Besides, I don’t wanna take the easy way.”

“You’re underestimating the beauty of simple things.”

Lauren frowned, piling her books again. She had no idea what he was talking about, or what he was trying to do; and she didn’t want to find out.

“Thanks for the coffee, but no thanks.”

Darren folded the corner of his lips, defeated.

“Lauren.” He dared to call before she left. She looked at him, but she already stood up. “You’re not gonna give me away, no?”

“Yes.” She just answered, determined, before turning away.

Darren watched her leave, and in that moment took the decision he was either changing that answer or changing the question.


	3. Improvise this

**Chapter 3: Improvise this**

For a motorbikes amateur, a repair shop is different than for any other people. What a regular person sees as a nasty, horrid work; is more as a secret garden to relax for a while. So it was no surprise that Darren had showed up at Richard’s with a few beers to be some company that Sunday. It was more as a starter’s pack than an official workplace. Darren could see now why he was so interested to be in the gang. Of course, if he had an interest to make a temporary job out of it, he should be in the circles where motorcycles are almost an accessory. He wasn’t a Pimp my Ride professional, but he was learning to modify the sound of the bikes (Rule #1 The loudest the better), and making wheels look fancy; but (and that’s what Darren was trying to assure him) what was going to bring him clients and a reputation was that he could make them go so much faster.

The repair shop was placed momentarily at Richard’s garage, twenty minutes away from the campus, where he lived with his mother.

“But you’ll make nothing out of this if the circuit is closed.” Darren complained, kind of bitter, then drinking his beer.

He remembered all of those nights spent on racings, and beers, and weed. It was great. They even named it Michigan’s Hole as an inside joke; but the word spread and everyone started to call it like that. There were gangs that came from Minnesota and New York to compete with them. His favorite competition were the brats of upper class of NYU, mainly because they thought their position gave them power and it was freaking great to see them lose. And he was one of the fastest. Joe sort of was, too, but Darren was better. And now that he didn’t have a bike? He’d fight for one so hard, and, oh God, how could they close it? It’d have been the best.

Rick (As Darren started to call him) was working on something as Darren talked. He didn’t get to know that place, but he commented casually.

“If you liked it so much, why don’t you try to reopen it?”

That suggestion caught him instantly. He had to remain silence for a moment. Rick got up and walked to the other side of the garage to grab a tool, and Darren observed him.

“You know what? That’s a fucking brilliant idea. I could open it.” Darren had gotten a certain reputation and popularity, especially since he made a music video. It’d be a matter of moving some contacts, and to arrange the gambling industry, and that’d be it. It would actually be very helpful, having in mind the relationship with his parents wasn’t currently the best and he could use some money. “I like you, Rick. You’re smart.” He added, now content.

The guy smirked, going back to work on the bike. He felt intimidated when he heard that this guy Darren was coming back. As if it hasn’t been hard enough to be accepted in the group! Now he had to deal with getting along with the old (now) jealous hardass attempt. But they became friends very quickly, that Darren felt he was even closer to him than with his old buds.

Although it was awful when Darren tried to bring some obviously still hurtful subject. _“When did Joe exactly started dating Devin?”_ followed by Rick’s awkward _“Um…”_ pretending he didn’t know the answer.

 

* * *

 

 

Performance training class was the first one in Thursday. And it was one of the few Lauren and Caroline’s group shared with Darren. Caroline made sure Lauren knew that, even after Lauren stated that she didn’t like him at all after their unpleasant encounters. Caroline tried to excuse what she classified as a rude attitude by assuring that Lauren had never had sense of humor and he was probably just trying to make her like him.

But despite sharing that class with someone that in Caroline’s world counted as a mid-celebrity, this didn’t stop her from arriving late.

Mr. Cameron, the professor of foresaid class was an anarchist 30-something man that always wore an Iron Maiden t-shirt and even though he never seemed to brush his hair and was to Lauren’s eyes unprofessional and disorganized, he always came up with some clever activity that made them question whether he knew there was a curriculum to follow. He also insisted into they called him just Cameron but the Mr. always ended up naturally placing first in her mind.

When he said everyone look for a partner, Lauren looked instinctively at the door, waiting for Caroline to enter, but nothing yet.

It’s not as if Lauren didn’t have _any_ friends besides her. She was very close to Julia and Dylan, who were on their senior year, and were probably the greatest people she had ever met and the students she looked up to (Dylan was finishing his second career before turning 24 and Julia had been directing a dozen of plays by herself in the auditorium). She also kept in touch with her high school friends, those who Caroline liked to call The Plastics as in the Mean Girls movie, because (despite Lauren tried to make the eye blind to it) they liked elitist parties in which they could drink wine and judge people; which is not as bad as it sounds, Lauren thought. It’s just that she particularly found troubling to make friends in _her_ classroom.

It took her a while to realize that Darren was across the room, sitting down, and as her, _not_ looking for a partner. If she didn’t find one, she’d have to do the activity with him. It wasn’t something she was craving for, having in mind they got along terribly. Her feet started to move in an anxious tick; and she turned to watch the door again, but Caroline was apparently skipping this class.  She tried to make eye contact with someone in the same situation, but everyone seemed to have it all planed.

Maybe she could just ignore the whole thing and Mr. Cameron would assign her a trio.

“Lauren, are you waiting for an invitation or do you plan to pair up?” Another thing that characterized Mr. Cameron was that he called them all by their names. She’d have liked that he forgot hers just that time, though.

“I owe you the invitation for the next time.” Darren muttered, smiling slightly. He had walked to the seat she didn’t seem disposed to abandon in the near future.

She’d kill Caroline the second she had the chance.

Existent words couldn’t describe how uncomfortable she felt. She wasn’t terrible at improv, and she wasn’t great neither; but it was just the fact that she had treated him badly and now she didn’t know how she was supposed to act. Should she just ignore what happened and do the stupid exercise? It sounded the most professional thing to do, but easier said than done.

As Mr. Cameron explained the exercise, Lauren put her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and looked down, hearing carefully his words. Meanwhile Darren took off that leather jacket he wore every time one single cold wind toured the city, and hung it on the auditorium’s rack.

The activity was a common game based on genre switching. They are given a location/situation and they start performing a “normal” scene, but after a certain period of time the dialogue and acting has to be adjusted to fit the genre or normativity the professor chooses in that moment. She has done it before, it wasn’t very hard.

“It’s 1981, and you’re walking out of a concert. The relationship between your characters is free choice.” Mr. Cameron ordered, and the class started right away.

Lauren shared a one-second glance with Darren, with the intention to decide which direction they were going to take, but her mind went blank. Darren was quicker though. He hit her on the arm with his fist, as if they were friends, but when he talked, he didn’t say anything about the hypothetical concert.

“You could’ve at least had a sip of the coffee the other day, you know. They’re not free.” The expression of his face and his gestures had nothing to do with the words coming out of his mouth.

“What are you doing?” Lauren spat, too confused to follow him.

Then Darren let out a cackle as if she just said the funniest thing he ever heard.

“Just fucking follow the game.” He said, smiling through the words that didn’t match his face, and walking to the other side of the room, which was more desolated, but Lauren stayed still. He pointed at Cameron with his eyebrows, and Lauren realized she had no option but to do it so.

“I told you I had no interest in talking to you. I already know what I need to know about you.” Lauren pretended they were having a nice friendly chat, which made the sarcasm on her voice twice stronger.

“You got me all figured out already, do you?” Darren kept walking slowly, as if they were heading somewhere.  She was supposed to walk next to him.

“Pretty much.”

Cameron started walking through the students, as if he had gotten into some kind of trance. He’d yell “Dystopia!” to a pair that’d have to start to either fight or cry hysterically, and murmur “watch out, she’s a murderer!” if he felt like spicing things. He pictured himself as some artist painting a canvas, directing them in a harmony only he understood, although it always got to the point where the class was a mess of loud voices and disorganized scenes.

“So, who am I, exactly?” Darren asked, curious. He wasn’t upset, he was instead entertained.

“You’ve graduated from high school mediocrely, by doing just what it was enough to pass and probably copying in most tests, thinking it was no big deal, because it’s high school. Then you got into college, and it was terrible because doing what you think it’s enough is never enough.” Her tone was regular because they had to keep pretending to do the exercise. “You kept pretending it was all good, you know, wearing a leather jacket and riding that big bike and going to parties like it’s all chill. But it wasn’t, and you had to switch universities, and something happened and you’re back again. So you keep trying to act like it’s all chill and you’re cool, to cover up the fact that you’re a criminal and probably a psychopath or something.”

Darren laughed, but this time it wasn’t because of his character. “A criminal? You think I deserve to be in jail? With all the bad guys?”

Lauren stopped walking. She was pretty serious. “Everything points that you are one of them. I don’t wanna be that person that makes you go to prison, I really don’t. But I can’t ignore what I know.”

“What you think you know.” Darren was serious too, staring back into her eyes, defiantly.

They couldn’t tell whether it was fortunate or not that Cameron walked next to them in that moment, pointing at them with his index finger as if his muse struck him.

“Give me some romance, you two!” He shouted.

When Darren moved his face towards her, Lauren thought during one millisecond that there was a chance he was going to kiss her, and her blood froze. But he directed his lips to her ear instead, pretending he was saying something else. They had luck that the professor didn’t walk close enough to realize that their conversation was absolutely inaccurate.

“It is really more complicated than what you think.” His voice sounded different. Weird. Good weird, though. The intimacy was unexpected, so she couldn’t help but to give one step back.

They were supposedly in love now.

She gave that step forward again, placing a hand on his shoulder. Delicate enough to be romantic, and it didn’t involve a lot of physical contact.

“It’s not an excuse. A thief is a thief.”

It was the first time she saw such a judgmental look on his eyes. He shook it off quickly, though.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” His breath was warm, and she could feel it down her neck.

“I know the law.”

Darren convinced himself that she didn’t believe that. She couldn’t.  She was smart, he could tell by the little he knew her, that she wouldn’t allow herself such simplistic thought.

“The world is so much more than a book saying what you’re not supposed to do. And if you believed that, Lauren, we wouldn’t be discussing this in the first place.” And saying this he softly put a hand on her waist.

Lauren couldn’t tell the moment when they moved so close as they were now, but she knew he could easily smell the essence of her hair from there and she didn’t know why she was allowing it.

She didn’t know what to reply to him, so she didn’t say anything. She looked down to her fingers, still placed on his shoulder, near his neck bones, while his words echoed several times in her head.

Darren whispered again.

“Cameron is looking at us as if we were porn. If you wanna watch him lose his mind, we should kiss.”

“What?” Lauren stepped back as if she was being suddenly electrocuted.

Darren raised his eyebrows, surprised by her reaction. He was kidding, it was obvious. “I was just saying-”

“Is that what this is all about?” She said loudly, scandalized, forgetting the exercise, and the class, and Cameron.

“I didn’t-” Darren couldn’t even try to explain himself.

“Get it into you head. It’s not going to happen!” She burst out, upset, as she turned around, and grabbing her bag with a furious swap left the classroom. The nearest pairings stopped their improv to watch the scene.

Cameron went from being fantasized with one of his prodigy students to look at him, scandalized, in a matter of seconds. As some of his class mates were, too, judging him. As if… he had tried to do something…

“It was a joke…” He whispered, astonished, more to himself than to anyone else. Cameron started giving him a lecture about the limits of improvisation and respect to your mates, but Darren wasn’t listening.

What just happened?

 

 

* * *

 

 

“It seems that I’ve missed an intense class.” Caroline commented, still in her pajamas while she was making coffee; her red hair still messy and her eyelids barely up.

“That Darren Criss guy is going to make me go insane!” Lauren spat, still upset, as she threw her bag on the table. She sat down, annoyed, and let out a sigh.

Caroline stared at her with her eyebrows up, extremely surprised.

“What’d he do now?”

Lauren went on details about the incident at the performance training class, and by the end of her explanation, Caroline was even more confused.

“So… Did he try to kiss you?”

“Not exactly, but-”

“Did he touch you or did something inappropriate?”

“I didn’t give him the time to do anything so...”

“And was he joking?”

Lauren was finding explaining the situation harder with every second.

“You had to be there to understand.” Lauren sentenced.

Caroline rolled her eyes. “…Okay, miss _I’ve-spent-two-of-my-lives-overreacting_.” And then she continued to drink her coffee.

It wasn’t after fifteen minutes that the rage started to be replaced with embarrassment. At first she tried to shoo it away, listing in her mind the reasons why she had the right to act the way she did. But it didn’t take long before she had rebutted herself her entire list. And swiftly, the shame was so powerful that it started to freak her out.

She had stolen half of Caroline’s coffee, grabbed her books and went to her next class, and by midday; when she realized that she hadn’t listened to a word from the professor, it hit her.

 _She acted like a freak_. Point and new paragraph.

Darren had said a joke, and if she were as any other person, she’d have laughed and they would’ve continued with their lives. There was no reason to cause a scene.

“I’ve made a fool of myself.” Lauren cried, later, on the buffet.

“It wouldn’t be the first time.” Caroline replied calmly, as they sat down at Julia and Dylan’s table.

“I need to apologize.” Lauren continued like if her friend had never said anything. “It’s like, if I don’t, everything I claim on him to lack of as a person, would be something I lack too. I morally need to apologize.”

“So, after trying to avoid him since the first day of classes, now you want to find Darren Criss.” Caroline gave a big bite to her sandwich. “I love plot twists.” She added with her mouth full.

“You know, if you’re interested in talking to him,” Julia said, lifting her gaze from the notebook next to her plate for a little while. “Jim is throwing a Halloween party tomorrow, and I’m sure he’ll be there. It’s not so far from the campus, I can drive you guys.”

Lauren tried to ignore Caroline’s sad begging eyes. She had avoided those infamous Halloween parties for two years, why would she find them interesting now?

“We can improvise a costume.” Caroline shrugged, whilst she got no answer from her friend. “Pick us up at 22.”

“I’m not sure I want to do this.” Lauren muttered.

“You’re an actress, Lauren.” Her friend said, upset. “You love dressing up and pretending to be someone else. This should be your paradise. Now, finish your sandwich.” She hurried, grabbing her arm. “We got work to do!”


	4. Like what? Twilight?

**Chapter 4: Like what? Twilight?**

“Um.” That was Darren’s inevitable first impression.

It was a little overwhelming landscape for a Saturday morning. Part of the blame was on him, though, he had been so excited about his upcoming plan (Reopening Michigan’s Hole as a race circuit with a gambling business) that he didn’t think about the process in the middle of it.

To start, what it used to be the start of the race and where everyone gathered to watch it, a bridge; had been (apparently) used as a dump, and the amount of debris and garbage was covering almost half of it. He couldn’t clean all of it, not even if he called the whole gang, despite most of them were eager to join him in that new arrangement. So he’d have to invest money on it, which was something he was trying to avoid. But he tried to rest importance to it. He’d earn it all back once he could start the races.

Darren walked back to his bike, but he grabbed his phone from the pocket of his leather jacket first. He had to text someone who knew it could be greater help for him now. As he did, he couldn’t help that his mind wandered a long while back.

How long had it been since the last time they talked?

 

* * *

 

 

“Yes, mom.” Lauren said, struggling to hold the phone between her shoulder and ear, while her hands were busy attempting to sew a shirt that seemed to be way larger and harder than what she expected. “We’re all good in here. And you? Ouch!” She couldn’t help but to exclaim after pricking her finger with the needle. “No, I had a cramp, mom. I’m okay.” She lied.

“Ugh, you’re useless. Give it to me.” Caroline finally said, stressed, after observing her for a while, and taking the costume away from her.

Lauren sighed of relief. That had been a nightmare. She grabbed the phone with her hand now that she could, laying her back on the chair, more relaxed.

“You sure you’re doing fine?” She asked, putting emphasis on this question. She knew her mom couldn’t be very good. She hadn’t been very good since she divorced her father, like a year ago. And even before that, she wasn’t okay. She spent way too much time on her work, and despise she did was a successful lawyer; she ended up being too stressed to function in the family nor as the social housewife she was supposed to be. Lauren found her sometimes way too structured and old fashioned; but she was passionate and worked hard and that’s what she knew she could learn from her. “Okay, tell me if you need anything. I love you. Bye.”

She looked at Caroline, hanging up the phone. The girl finished sewing in a moment, her hands moved fast and skilled. Lauren wondered how she did it.

“So how do they look?” Lauren asked, trying to hide her excitement. She wasn’t dying to go to the party, but portraying a character was an important part of her life anyway.

Caroline shrugged.

“They’re okay for a one-day making.” She threw it back to Lauren. She examined the black strapless blouse with a fancy sewed red A letter on the chest, the matching black short skirt, and the white kerchief. Although she chose to portrait a modern version of Hester Prynne, she wanted something that kept the essence of the original character. They were pretty adequate.

“Let me see yours.”

Caroline put them over her clothes, like if she was actually wearing them, so Lauren could see the effect. It was perfect for her. A dress red as a cherry, black mountain boots, and a French beret. Not to add that her short hair (even though it was red, too) matched flawlessly. She was a replica of Amélie Poulain.

“It looks amazing, I’m upset.” Lauren confessed, as her friend smiled and made a spin, making the dress move through the air.

“Don’t worry.” She finally said, walking to Lauren, and giving her a tickle on the back of her neck. “You’ll look like a total adulteress, too.”

 

* * *

 

 

The first ten minutes after they arrived were not cool, at all.

“If I have to explain once more who I am, I swear I’ll explode.” Caroline said, shaking her head and grabbing a beer from the nearest table.

The party was pretty crowded. Not that Lauren had gone to a million of parties, but the huge garden was full of people, including the garage, and you could spot some inside of the house too. There were lots of little groups everywhere, a sector of only Harley bikes in a corner, and a stereo with enormous speakers that gathered the majority of youths near the door of the house.

The night was calm, kinda fresh, and it was full moon.

“I knew you were French, that’s a start.” Julia said, shrugging. She was a classy Marilyn Monroe. And Dylan, smoking next to her, was Sherlock Holmes.

Caroline offered Lauren some of her beer, but Lauren shook her head. She grabbed a coca cola instead. She surreptitiously looked around, but she couldn’t find Darren anywhere. Maybe he didn’t even come.

“He’ll be here, you can be sure.” Julia assured, like if she had read Lauren’s thoughts. “Darren doesn’t miss a party, and less if it’s Jim’s.”

She felt uncomfortable at the assumption that she was only there because of him; so she tried to shrug it off.

“Oh, it’s fine.”

Lauren pretended to admire the Waldo costume of a guy walking next to them, as an excuse to cut the conversation. She thought she remembered him from somewhere.

She was right, the guy was Rick. He entered into the house, taking off the matching beanie and walking to the fridge.

“You know, there’s a table full of alcohol outside.” Darren commented from the sofa.

“I’m hungry.” Rick complained, putting a hand over his stomach. He finally found some pizza leftovers, and carefully grabbing it he walked to the sofa too.

Brian, who was now an attempt to Edward Scissorhands; and Jeff as Aladin were in there too. Brian was struggling to grab a beer with his –literal- scissors hands (they were glued to his fingers with adhesive tape), and Jeff was cruelly laughing at him.

Rick frowned when he saw Darren. Understanding his costume took him a while. His black curls were messy (messier than usual), and his gray clothes seemed dirty and were torn in some parts. Then he saw the right-angled sign at his feet that read XY390. And he got it. Sirius Black.

“That’s new.” He said, stealing Darren’s beer.

Before Darren could reply something, the door of the house opened again. Joe and Devin, -aka Sandy and Danny from Grease, walked inside holding hands. Joe was whispering something, and Devin laughed. The sound of her laugh was as graceful as he remembered it. When Joe saw Darren, he stood still from sudden. _What?_ Was he shocked to find him? Why wouldn’t he be there? He saw him swallowing and thinking what to do. Devin looked just as surprised as him; and Darren thought for some reason that nobody told her he came back. He finally decided that the smartest thing was to give everyone a quick greet with his head, and still grabbing her hand he walked to the counter, on the other side of the room. Devin could only wave awkwardly, still to shocked, before follow him.

There was an awkward, long silence. The only sound was the music that came from outside piercing the walls. Even Jeff and Brian had stayed quiet.

But Brian couldn’t stand it anymore.

“You wanna talk about bad ideas? I really need to pee right now.” He said staring to his scissor hands. Half to break the ice, half because he was drunk.

Jeff laughed loudly, but Darren didn’t.

He stood up and left the house without saying a thing. And he knew Joe was watching him.

He decided to wait near the bikes, but his phone vibrated. It was the answer of that text he sent that morning. Darren grinned. Always late; it’s like if nothing changed.

He looked around, between the people, but it didn’t take too long to find what he was looking for. She was wearing a leather jacket, of course; and he could tell by the fog around her that she was smoking.

“You _had_ to be that asshole without a costume that ruins everything.” Darren said, pretending an exasperated but calmed voice, as he walked to her. She did so as well.

“Can’t you tell I’m dressed as you? So yeah, I’m an asshole.” She replied seriously, before smiling and wrapping her arms around him. “You’re back, I can’t believe it.”

“I knew the longing was killing you.” He joked.

“Ha, ha. Are you gonna tell me what happened?”

Darren grimaced. “Later. Now, we have more important things to talk about.” He put an arm around her shoulder, leading her to a quieter place.

She was Rachel. Darren met her on his freshman year in college. She was actually the reason he became friends with Joe, she had gotten in the group at the same time as him. After a trimester something terrible happened though. They intended to make a prank that ended up causing a big mess, and there was conflict of interest involved if it happened to spread outside of the university, so to end the whole thing, Rachel took the responsibility completely. They expelled her. But she saved their ass. They couldn’t think of a way to reward her, and she never allowed them to. She just claimed it was a matter of morals; so the best way to give it back was that they remained being who she thought they were.

They talked about everything. Darren’s music video, Joe and Devin, college, and especially about how Darren was going to arrange Michigan’s Hole again. Rachel, from her part, got a job as a waitress and was still performing in a theatre in Ann Arbor. She sounded wiser. She had always been smart, but she just sounded wiser now. There was a new scar on the olive skin of her arm, and her dark hair was wilder.

“By the way,” Rachel said with a smirk, once they walked back to the table to grab beers. “I brought my friend Kaylee with me.” She pointed at a slim brunette who was chatting and laughing loudly a few feet away. “She is very interested into, um, knowing you.” The way her eyebrows raised was more than enough for him to understand.

He smiled. “You are the best.” He said. He left the sign of his costume between his feet to grab a half-eaten packet of French fries, trying to decode whether they would intoxicate him or not.

Someone cleared his throat behind him; and he thought he recognized who it was, but no, it couldn’t be. He turned around.

It was.

Darren raised the palm of his hands next to his head. “Hey, I’m three feet away and my hands are over my head. Keep your restraining order to yourself.” He said, and it wasn’t clear if he was being sarcastically cruel or just making a joke.

Lauren had seen he was near, and to be one hundred percent honest, she had to take a moment to breathe and gather courage to walk to him. But she felt it was something she needed to do.

His response almost made her snap something quickly; but she knew she shouldn’t. Instead, she explained calmly.

“I need to talk to you about what happened the other night.”

Rachel sneakily walked away, but none of them noticed. Darren was surprised by her request.

“Uh… Okay.” He finally muttered. He wasn’t expecting that. “Let’s go somewhere we can talk.”

Darren walked back to the place where he just was with Rachel, not so far away from the rest of the party; Lauren behind him.

“So… Is your costume some kind of statement?” He said, raising eyebrows, as he continued walking; but a grin sneaked on his lips.

“Not necessarily.” Lauren replied. “I think if I tell, the whole thing loses sense.” She frowned, examining his costume. “And you are like a… beggar?” He stopped walking, showing the sign. “Oh.” Lauren just said first. As far as she knew all Harry Potter costumes were overused and mainstream; but this one was pretty clever. Lauren wondered why he chose it. “Is this because of what I said?”

Would it actually be possible that her accusations inspired him to do a sort of performance?

“You know, it’s pretty arrogant to think everything I do is a consequence of you, Lauren.” Darren said with a smirk. Was it the first time he said her name like that, so casually? And why did she notice? “Besides, if I tell it loses the sense.” He finished, mocking her tone.

If Lauren gave herself the luxury of responding to that, it’d be impossible that she apologized in some point of that conversation. So she chose to ignore that.

“Mm, so. I wanted to make clear what happened the other day at class.” She tried to use an honest tone so he’d know it was serious. “You didn’t do anything inappropriate. I acted like a freak. I don’t know what happened. But I made a scene that was totally unnecessary, and you didn’t deserve to get that treatment. And to receive Cameron’s lecture. It was out of place from me. I’m sorry.”

Darren listened to her very cautiously. He seemed to process and think about her words for a while. Then he finally grinned slightly (So subtly that you could barely notice), and pointed at her with a finger.

“You’re crazy.” He said. “You projected on me this whole time. You called _me_ a psychopath, when actually it’s you.” He seemed very satisfied with this discovery. Lauren didn’t like that prude grin on his face; but for the sake of peace, she just rolled her eyes. He let out a sigh of deadbeat, and continued, calmer, “I’ve been putting up this character, too. Let’s agree that we’ll be nice to each other from now on.”

Lauren didn’t know if that was a convenient long-term deal.

“Only if you accept that there can’t be anything between us, and you think of some freaking context before you make a joke.”

“Sounds fair.” He didn’t take the prude grin out of his face. “Can I put my rules, too?” He asked, and Lauren limited herself to raise an eyebrow, but Darren continued. “You can’t a) Leave dramatically whenever we have a conversation, and b) You gotta actually listen to what I say.”

“I do listen-”

“Respect my rules and I’ll respect yours.” Darren interrupted, and Lauren bit her tongue.

“Okay, Criss. It’s a deal.” She settled.

Darren seemed overly pleased. He made half a grin.

“Come on, I’ll get you a drink.” He said, while they walked back to the table.

Lauren could hear her mom’s voice saying don’t accept drinks from strangers in her head. Despite the last time she heard it was years ago, it kept coming back. But Darren wasn’t a stranger, and she’d take only one to symbolize their peace settlement.

“So, did you choose the topic for your essay?” Darren asked, handing her a pink drink. Lauren liked the fact that he asked something about college in a party like that. It made her feel more adequate.

“Yeah, actually, I did that today. I went for Shakespearian romanticism.” Lauren explained, then directed her lips to the straw.

He seemed to be momentarily jolted by that extreme overconfidence again.

“Really? So you followed my advice.”

She didn’t want to admit that the idea pop up in her mind since their talk at the Hard Rock Café.

“It didn’t necessarily-”

“Oh, come on. Can’t you just admit that it was a good idea?”

Lauren bit her cheek. “It was a good idea.” She added quickly, “I plan to do a comparison with contemporary portraits of romance, like, you know, movies, Broadway plays and such.”

Darren grimaced. “There aren’t movies that know how to play out Shakespeare’s romance without ruining it. That Romeo and Juliet version with DiCaprio what the shittiest movie of the 90s.”

“It doesn’t have to be obvious, you know. It can be any romantic movie.” Lauren contradicted quickly. Her tongue was fast when it came to those subjects.

“Like what? Twilight?”

“You obviously haven’t seen a good film in your entire life.” Lauren wanted to hear what his lame response would be, but she couldn’t help but to ask, “Where is the bathroom?”

“Entering, to the left, next to the stairs.” Darren explained, but then warned seriously. “This conversation hasn’t ended.”

“Clearly,” She stated, giving him the empty glass.

Lauren passed by Sandy and Danny making out when she entered to the house, so hurried that she hardly recognized them. She knocked on the door of the bathroom.

“Busy!” A male voice answered.

_Ughhhh_. She bit her lip, anxious.

“I don’t think he’ll go out soon, honey.” A guy dressed as Aladin said, “He’s literally got scissors on his hands.”

Lauren cursed inwardly.

“Is there another bathroom?”

“Upstairs.”

If she knew she had to climb stairs, she wouldn’t have put on high heels.

 ~

 

“Darren?” A voice asked.

“I guess you’re Kaylee.”

The girl smiled. Her lips were a powerful red, and her voice, mischievous. “Listen, I’m with my girls now. But a friend of mine lives a few blocks from here, so when the party is over, why don’t you give a ride over there?” The double sense of her words turned him on, and she sneaked a paper into the pocket of his leather jacket as she finished her sentence.

Darren smiled back. “You can be sure I will.”

It seemed as if she wanted to add something more; but a loud babbling from the sidewalk prevented her. Darren understood it quickly, when he saw the car parked in the street. Those were Jim’s parents. Jim’s parents who were supposed to be away for the whole weekend. Jim’s parents who didn’t know about the party. Fuck.

The disaster happened fast during the next three minutes. Kaylee joined her friends and they ran to their car; and so did everyone. Some of them were disappearing running through the sidewalk or the gardens, the sound of the bikes flood the place, the most extravagant people were yelling for some reason. It was a gregarious movement.

The garden was quickly desolated, and the only movement was the garbage flying with the wind. But Darren didn’t go crazy as everyone else. He’d hid in the back yard for a while, then he’d go to the address Kaylee gave him. The night wouldn’t be such a waste whatsoever.

 ~

 

When Lauren went downstairs and heard old people’s voices, she thought it was weird. The couple was busy yelling at Jim to notice her sneaking through the front door. She started to get anxious when she stepped outside, her gaze reached people disappearing from the house everywhere and through any method. But pretty much everyone was already gone.

She trotted to the sidewalk. The heels of her shoes echoed. How it all went so quiet and empty while she was in the bathroom? She looked around, and she did several times; but it was in vain.

Julia’s car was gone.

Her hands were shaking a little when she took her phone out of her purse. They couldn’t be gone without her, they couldn’t have leaved her there alone. It didn’t make sense.

The phone rang and rang, but nobody picked up. She started walking from one side of the lane to another, nervous; as she kept trying again and again for a long while.

She didn’t even know in which direction her room was. The streets were deserted, and it didn’t seem a very friendly neighborhood, starting by the fact that they didn’t seem to invert a lot of money in lamp posts.

“Lauren!”

That call was so unexpected that she jumped slightly. Darren was carrying his bike next to him as he approached her through the path of the house door. He remained a few feet away, holding his bike and helmet, and that’s when Lauren noticed that in her nervous walking she had moved almost to the next house.

“It seems like you need a ride.” He observed, which was also an excuse to look at her. Her outfit was almost designed exclusively for her figure. And damn, he still wanted her.

“No, thanks.” Lauren replied, and cleared her throat after realizing her voice came out weak. If accepting someone else’s drink was dangerous, can you imagine having them giving you a ride home?

“You sure?” Darren asked, raising his eyebrows and looking at her; wondering how she would go home.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

But to be honest, it wasn’t his problem. If she refused to go with him, then there’s nothing he could do about it. She’d figure it out by herself.

He put on his helmet and started his bike; but he didn’t go yet.

Lauren called Caroline for the hundredth time, as she kept walking anxiously.

A light was coming closer, and soon she descried a car in the street driving by. Music came from inside of it. To her horror, the car stopped right in front of her.

She knew she should run the fuck out in that moment; but the panic disabled her.

“Hey, doll.” The man said from the car. “Want me to drive you somewhere?”

Her jaw trembled, and she couldn’t move. Her chest hurt a little.

“Want my fist on your face?” Darren yelled from his place. His voice was heard noticeably over the sound of the bike. He drove from there until the front of the car’s window; between the car and Lauren. “Get lost.” He added, disgusted.

The driver directed him a nasty look, but he quickly looked back to the street and drove away.

There was a silence. Lauren stared at him; she didn’t know what to say. She was still pretty nervous, but what he did was… She didn’t know how to describe it.

Darren took off his helmet, and looked at her.

“Lauren, don’t make this harder for both of us.”

It’d be absurd to say she didn’t need the ride. She didn’t know how else to get home. She examined Darren’s bike. It was big, and loud, and dangerous.

“I’m not sure I could go on this.” She admitted.

“Why? Are you scared of bikes?”

“I’m not scared of bikes. I’m scared of going at 300 mph and hitting a lamp post and die.”

Darren giggled; and handed her his helmet.

“It doesn’t make it up.”

“Still, use it.” Darren said. “The statistics say the companion is tenth times more likely to die.” Lauren frowned, staring at him. “It’s a joke.” He added, respecting Lauren’s rule; but he was still the only one to laugh.

She accepted the helmet, and finally climbed the bike, quickly as if it’d all end with this. When she put her hands around his waist, she tried to just hardly graze him; as if touching him was a sin.

Darren accelerated quickly the bike, as if they were going to go, but they didn’t move forward; so the bike jumped in its place. Lauren gasped, instinctively grabbing him tighter. He did this two, three times more; until Lauren couldn’t stand it. He was doing it on purpose to scare her. And it worked.

“Can you stop being a damn jerk for five minutes?” She yelled, upset, and Darren smiled, without saying a thing, as he finally started riding.

Lauren realized he wasn’t the most cautious driver. Skilled, maybe, but his overconfidence was dangerous. She swallowed her desire to tell him to go slower more than one time. She could count the pulsations of her heart, but time made it easier. Part of the fear disappeared within the way; and by the end she even started to trust him a little bit.

For Darren, it was liberating. The speed, the wind shaking them faintly, the landscape around him morphing from one to another. There was always a chance of risk, but wasn’t that what made it special?

Lauren sighed loudly of relief when they made it to her apartment, without hiding she was glad to be still alive.

“Congratulations, you didn’t die.” Darren joked, as Lauren got off the bike.

She gave him the helmet, nodding.

“Thanks for… The thing you did today.” She said honestly. She couldn’t still find the right words.

“That was nothing.” He shook his head. “So… about those movies you said.” He wet his lips. “I’d love a recommendation.”

“I’ll tell you something, why don’t you let me get some sleep, and come back later.” Lauren suggested. “For education motives. You can’t go on living thinking Twilight is the only romance movie in the world.”

Darren grinned.

“That sounds great.”

Lauren walked slowly to the gate. She turned around, and said, raising her voice to be heard:

“Just to make sure. It’s not a date.”

“Clearly.” He replied, putting on the helmet.

Lauren smiled.

He didn’t leave until she finished climbing the stairs, observing her through the gate; and she disappeared from his sight when she got inside of her room.

Before she could go and yell to Caroline for leaving her alone, she stayed a moment by the closed door, still smiling. She felt a weird sensation in her stomach and chest. And for only a second, she wondered if Darren felt it too.


	5. Watch your step

**Chapter 5: Watch your step**

“Basically, you’re saying that Darren Criss will be in our apartment at any minute. Darren Criss.” Caroline repeated, and Lauren thought that if she made that statement once more, her head would explode.

Lauren directed a glance to her roommate that expressed the phrase she had previously said, and Caroline didn’t say anything else.

After the last night’s fiasco, she owned Lauren one. In this case, it meant no Darren Criss related questions. It still didn’t balance it with abandoning her at midnight in the middle of nowhere; but she knew she’d need to use the rest later.

There was a knock on the door, followed by Caroline’s enthusiastic smirk. Lauren rolled her eyes. She was finishing braiding her hair, so she said to Caroline.

“Can you open the door? And please, act like a normal person.”

Caroline swallowed her cheeky comeback, and walked to the door; but her smirk didn’t completely disappear.

“Hi.” Caroline greeted him, offering instantly her hand. “I’m Caroline.”

She looked like a pheromonic teenager; and Lauren couldn’t help but to giggle quietly from her place on the couch.

“Hi, I’m-”

“Darren, I know.”

She obviously couldn’t help it. But instead of feeling crept out, Darren pointed at her and looked at Lauren.

“I like her.” He said. It was evident he enjoyed meeting a fan.

Darren walked inside of the apartment before Caroline had the chance to invite him in.

“You do realize you’re wearing the exact same clothes as last night, right?” Lauren joked instead of greeting him.

“Hey, you’re funny on Sundays.” Darren said, impressed, as he left his black leather jacket on the couch, next to her. “You should wear last night’s outfit all the time, too.”

Lauren pretended she didn’t hear that. The truth is that she didn’t primp herself  a lot; she didn’t have the intention to impress Darren or anything. So she couldn’t tell if that comment was ironic.

“You know, Caroline loves your music.” Lauren commented, standing up and walking to the fridge. “Or at least she says so all the time. Do you want something to drink?”

“Yeah, a soda or whatever.” Darren replied, occupying the spot Lauren just left. “And for real?” He added, raising an eyebrow and looking at Caroline who was left startruck next to the door.

Life if someone snapped a finger in front of her eyes, Caroline came back from her hypnosis.

“I do. I think it’s great and fun.” Caroline said, and then grinned. “You know, actually, I can’t get Lauren to listen to it, or even watch your video, and it’s very frustrating, so you should do something to change that.”

Lauren handed a can of Coke to Darren, but he didn’t grab it. He devoted himself to look at her, amazed.

“You’ve _never_ watched it? Or listened to a song? Ever?”

The surprise on his tone was real, like if he couldn’t believe there was a person that wasn’t obsessed with him. Lauren shrugged. “I guess I just never came across-”

“I’ll have to play for you sometime, then.” Darren interrupted, and the proud grin made appearance once more.

“I’m sure she’d love that.” Caroline added quickly. Lauren, upset about that dialogue, threw the Coke to Darren’s chest, who caught it swiftly. “So… I’m going to Nick’s room. I’m helping him to study.” She explained, grabbing her books from the table.

“You really don’t need to go, it’s just-” Lauren stuttered, but Caroline wasn’t listening.

“Enjoy the movie.” Caroline said before closing the door and giving a brief wink that probably only Lauren noticed. It upset her. Why did she have to make it something so much bigger than what it was? And Darren’s prideful attitude wasn’t helping. She started wondering if that wasn’t more than a mistake.

“So, what is your marvelous first lesson?” Darren asked, opening the can with a low click.

Lauren had already chosen _The Wedding Singer_ from the tall pile of movies above her wardrobe. She grabbed the record from the table, and walked to the TV, in front of the couch. While she was putting the DVD on, she explained:

“As your experience is null in this subject, I picked something sorta light-hearted and platitudinous. Something you can handle.”

“Please, tell me it’s not a romantic comedy.” Darren said, shaking his head.

Lauren didn’t answer because that’d mean to prove him right.

“It’s starring Adam Slander and Drew Barrymore.” She said as she hit play, and walked back to the couch.

“Adam Slander.” Darren just repeated in disapproval.

“Give him a shot!” Lauren complained. “This is before he started working on bad American stylish comedies.”

He tried to add something, but Lauren would shush him every time since the movie started; so he had no option but to pay one hundred percent of attention to it.

Quick résumé: Adam Slander is a frustrated rock star that got humiliatingly dumped in the altar by his girlfriend. He meets Drew Barrymore while she worked as a waitress in a wedding he was performing at, and she makes him help her with her wedding to overcome his depression. Ninety movie-minutes later, he realizes he loves her and flies to Las Vegas to confess, finding out she’s in the same plane as him. Then he gathers the courage to surprise her and he sings a –according to Darren- super cheesy song in front of all the passengers. That was the scene in which Darren couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore. It was all pretty lame. Adam Slander’s haircut was awful, even for the 90s; and that scene was a little-too-much of everything. If he was honest he’d say he barely enjoyed the movie overall.

So the phrase came casual from his tongue, looking at Lauren who was on the other side of the couch, kind of away from him. “Do you seriously like this-?”

But he cut his words off quickly. Lauren didn’t even realize he was talking or looking at her. She was hugging her legs, her chin rested on his knees, and staring at the TV as if she was overly immersed in the film. Her eyes were watery; a tear could slip from them at any minute. The song _Grow old with you_ played as a background, distant from the television, and even Slander’s amateur voice seemed to fit. And Darren realized, if the film touched her like that- there had to be something that made it good.

He kept watching the rest as if he hadn’t said anything. He also pretended he didn’t see Lauren cleaning a tear from her cheek before going to take the DVD.

“So?” Lauren asked, excited, looking at him.

“It was good… and fun…” Darren lied, shifting on the couch, suddenly uncomfortable. “The ending was very… okay.”

Lauren rolled her eyes.

“You don’t have to do that. You hated it, it’s fine.” Lauren said, although her tone was suspiciously loud and she had walked to the table. “Now, it’s not to kick you out or anything, but I gotta study.”

Darren stood up. “Wait, I just need more… knowledge before forming an opinion.” He walked next to Lauren, who was assorting her notes. He put a hand over the papers to stop her and have her attention.  “Next Sunday? For real this time.”

His voice always had that tone of defiance that lured her.

“Okay, next Sunday.” She agreed. “But I actually gotta study right now.”

She was kicking him out, yes; but they just spent two hours without yelling at each other, which was a notable progress.

“Give me your number.” He tried to be casual, but Lauren’s expression turned suspicious. “I just want to make sure you won’t escape the next week.” He added quickly.

She hesitated for a few seconds before cutting a little piece of paper at the bottom of the note, and wrote her number on it. She promised to herself to never give the pleasure to Caroline of knowing she did that.

“Don’t pass it around.” Lauren warned. His friends were nobody she could trust, and if that paper ended up in the wrong hands, it could turn into a mess she didn’t want.

Darren grabbed his jacket, hanging it from his shoulder. When he said goodbye, she replied turning back to look at him; this was a cue Darren couldn’t ignore.

She didn’t fall into the hidden tramp yet, she was merely testing out the territory and see if she could take a tiny step into it.

And following the same rules, one step can be deadly.

 

* * *

 

 

A rain of sweat was covering his body, although he didn’t stop until the numbness of certain muscles disabled him from continuing. Wreathed by the satisfying sensation of tiredness after an intense work out, he walked to the lavatory. First he slowly cracked his neck, and put his hand on the place where his scapula met his spine, pressing with his fingertips the sore muscles. He splashed a little of water on his face and hair, and then drank his bottle of water entirely in one sitting.

Darren heard Jim’s voice counting numbers over one hundred, which meant there was a push up battle going on. He passed by the room in the exact moment in which Brian’s arms failed to hold him one more time, and he hit his chest against the floor. Jim, who was playing the role of a referee, grabbed Joe’s hand and raised it in the air, symbolically proclaiming him as the winner. It was no surprise, Brian always lost. The small crowd cheered to Joe, and he grabbed the few bills from the floor, which was his ridiculously tiny prize.

Darren almost felt pity of him for a moment. He was trying to get money for a new bike.

But that moment of vulnerability certainly didn’t last long. He’d give the bike back to him, eventually. Joe just had to wait until he could get Lauren to sleep with him, and then everything would be balanced again.  It was just a backup to avoid he had everything under his control.

There was nothing to worry about. He had Lauren’s number, meanwhile Joe? He hadn’t even talked with her. He knew Joe could need only one night to achieve its goal; but that wouldn’t work with Lauren.

Darren hung his hand towel from his shoulder and walked out of the gym. First, the fresh wind from outside kind of froze him, but he ignored it. But after giving a few steps to get his bike, a voice called him:

“Hey, Darren.”

If she hadn’t talked, Darren would’ve never noticed she was sitting on a bench outside, waiting.

“Devin. Hi.” He said, surprised, suddenly stopping walking.

“It’s weird seeing you around here again.” Devin commented, with her shy, tuneful voice. The wind whipped her hair and her flowered dress, lifting it and showing the pale skin of her thin legs. “I’m glad you’re back, though.”

“I’m still catching up.” Darren said, sending a subtle message.

“Oh. Right.” Devin’s charismatic smile faded slowly. “Joe didn’t tell me you came back. I didn’t know until I saw you at Jim’s party.” She added, excusing the fact she had never talked with him or bothered to inform him that she started dating his old best friend.

Darren didn’t buy it. Even if Joe didn’t tell her, she would’ve had to hear something. He ran the towel through his still sweaty face, and deciding his silence was clear enough.

“I’ve missed you.” She finally added, as if that phrase was a breath she held for a long while. The evening was so quiet, it made her voice sound sweeter.

Darren raised his face from the towel when he heard that. Devin looked a bit dreary, her eyes were shining, and he hated it because it made her look prettier.

He sighed, probably louder than what he should’ve allowed himself.

“Me too. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.” He rested his hand on the bench, leaning a bit closer to her. Just a bit, barely visible for the human eye.

“We used to be great together.” He couldn’t think straight if she used that tone of voice. He made an effort, but he just couldn’t. “Joe is great, but it’s not the same.” She looked at him, bitter, and Darren wished he could just shake that look off her face.

Then he realized she was probably waiting for Joe when he walked out, and suddenly that didn’t feel right anymore.

He glanced at the gym, and he saw through the window how Joe was staring directly back at them. There was no way he could hear them, but he didn’t look happy at all.

It seemed as if Devin wanted to keep talking, but that wouldn’t be smart. Besides, Darren was in no way going to hear her complaining about Joe. No fucking way.

“See you later, Devin.” He just said, walking to his motorbike. The girl seemed a bit shocked that he was leaving just like that, but she didn’t say anything else.

While he was riding away, he observed through the rearview mirror how Joe kissed Devin, and he snorted. And he wondered if Devin’s sadness was genuine or just part of their little game.

 

* * *

 

 

The next Sunday, it was When Harry met Sally. Unfortunately for Darren, there wasn’t much progress from the last weekend: Lauren shushed him every time he talked, almost cried at some point and his opinion by the end was vague and brief. Darren had to admit that this time her choice of film was truly good and funny; but it felt like a waste of time when it finished and she grabbed her tall pile of notes and books again. _Was she serious?_

The killer glance she gave him meant she was.

“Fine. I have plans whatsoever.” Darren said rolling his eyes.

“Great. I won’t ruin them.” Lauren wet her lips, sitting down at the table. “Next Sunday?”

Darren smiled from the door. “See you then.”

Caroline arrived thirty minutes after her study session finished. She insisted in leaving them alone, despite Lauren said a billion times that Darren wasn’t even her friend, and she wouldn’t be a third wheel or anything.

“I got a lost phone call from your mom, Lauren.” The red-haired informed, walking in the room and leaving her purse on the table, next to her Hamlet copy. “Has she called you?”

Lauren doubted before replying. Then she remembered her phone went out of battery at midday and she forgot to charge it. It was late at night now. She hurried to look for the battery charger, and as soon as the phone turned on, a dozen of lost calls showed up in the screen.

She bit her lip, nervous. Her mom lived all by herself and was the most independent woman she met, so if she needed to contact her at all costs, it was a big deal. Caroline realized this too, so she observed in silence how her friend dialed the number and waited.

“Hi, mom. I just got your calls. Sorry. Is everything okay?”

The woman snorted, “It was, until I decided to get somewhat related to your father.” She seemed to notice how badly her words sounded, because she changed her tone as she continued. “Listen, they called me from a hospital today, and said your father had a heart attack. Apparently my number is still on his emergency list, so they contacted me. It seems nobody else is going to show up, so I’m arriving to Detroit now. I called you in the case you wanted me to pick you up, but as you didn’t answer…”

“You should’ve stopped here anyway!” Lauren complained. Her heart was beating fast. Why didn’t she charge her phone earlier? Why was that happening today? Why was she so stupid? “How is he? Do you know something?”

“I’m sorry, darling. I don’t know.” She answered, concerned. “I’ll tell you something when I get in the hospital.”

“No.” Lauren replied, upset. “I want to be there myself. I’ll call a taxi and I’ll see you there.” Lauren made a sign with her eyebrows to Caroline, and she started dialing the taxi station in her phone. “Bye.”

She grabbed a purse and got her keys and wallet, quickly; trying to stop the thoughts in her mind. Her grandfather had died from a heart attack; and she remembered it vividly. It surprised her how easily she could replace the image of the old man by her father. The concern was making it hard to breathe, but she fought those sensations and tried to push them aside.

Caroline hung up, and looked at Lauren shaking her head.

“They said they’re 40 minutes late.” She tried to use a calm tone, but this didn’t make it up.

Forty minutes waiting the taxi and forty minutes all the way to Detroit was definitely too much. She had to make it there the sooner she could. She couldn’t stand that terrifying picture in her mind for so long. Lauren sighed, and her breathe came out choppy. She didn’t want to affront the solution she had in mind, but she couldn’t think of another thing, and Caroline, looking at her with a worried face, apparently couldn’t either.

She tried to get herself together; knowing that she couldn’t cry in the situation she was going to put herself into.

“Caroline, remember how I said you owed me one?” Lauren asked. Caroline nodded, confused; “Can you get me Darren Criss’ address?”


	6. Oh, no

**Chapter 6: Oh, no**

Joe pushed one more pile of coins into the center of the table. His eyes were shining.

“For my bike,” He explained jokingly, and the smoke of the cigarette came out when he opened his mouth.

Jeff started telling a story about how he nailed this girl at Jim’s Halloween party, and Darren seized the opportunity when everyone else was focused on another conversation. He made his move and said to Joe:

“About the other day, at the gym. Devin was just asking me how I was doing, that’s all. I’m not going to make a move on her.” A part of him wanted to add _that’s what sets us apart,_ but that explanation sounded flawlessly honest and kind, just as he meant it, so he didn’t ruin it.

Joe looked at him, squeezing his eyes a little bit; but then he shrugged that look off, as if he remembered that it was just Darren.

“I think she’s gonna break up with me.” He replied lowly. The bitterness in his voice shocked Darren, and he stuttered a little bit trying to respond.

“W-why do you say?”

One of the corners of his lips bent down; and he just shook his head. His fingers ran slowly through the outline of his glass of beer.

“I just know it.” Joe looked at Darren. “We both had been very dramatic lately, I guess.”

His vague explanations weren’t enough for him. He wondered if he was the reason they were struggling, and if that’s why Joe was concerned about them talking, and why Devin wanted to speak to him. And suddenly, he just wanted to say something that could comfort him; he looked genuinely sad. Yes, he did was mad at him, (He made a dick move, and he wouldn’t just ignore it) but that didn’t mean he wanted him to feel like a piece of shit all the time. He just wanted him to learn a lesson, and to have fun, that was all.

He didn’t want them to break up. It couldn’t take forever to get over Devin. Besides, he had a new goal in the horizon.

But none pertinent words came to his head; and as he was struggling to get something out of his tongue, there was a knock on the door. _Thank God_. He didn’t even think of how strange was that someone would show up that late at night.

“I gotta get that.” Darren said, standing up and leaving the poker game for a moment.

When he opened the door, he suddenly grabbed the doorknob tighter; he couldn’t help it, he wasn’t expecting that.  So he couldn’t disguise the surprise on his tone, neither.

“Lauren?” He cleared his throat. “What are you doing here?”

Her eyes were red; like if she had been crying a while ago, but she wasn’t anymore. She wasn’t wearing the same clothes as earlier, she had jeans, a tank top and a light jacket, a purse hang from her shoulder and her hair was a bit messy. He could describe her usually as a calm person, but he could tell she wasn’t calm at all then.

“I need your help.” She said with a thin voice, and then cleared her throat as Darren did before.

“Darren, it’s your turn!” Brian’s voice said from inside the room.

Darren’s apartment was 20 minutes away from the campus, and Caroline had accompanied her the way there, but she limited herself to wait outside of the building.

“You have visits.” Lauren sentenced, like if he didn’t know it. “I’ll just get a taxi.” She added quickly.

Darren hadn’t seen her so desperate before. “Wait,” He asked, closing the door behind him, so they had privacy from his friends, in the hall. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

He tried to look in her eyes, but she was very anxious and couldn’t meet her gaze.

“I need to go to Detroit.” She explained; the concern was obvious. “My dad is in the hospital, and I need to see him.”

Darren shrugged.

“I’ll take you there. It’s not an issue.”

“Are you sure?” Lauren was hoping for that offer, however when he said it she thought there was something wrong with it.

“Sure. Let me get my keys.”

Lauren bit her lip while he disappeared behind the door. Was seeing her father worth the risk? She didn’t even know the guy so well. He could still be a sociopath or something. She had enough signs to consider him dangerous. Sometimes she had a bad vibe about him- she had a bad vibe about everything, whatsoever, but he didn’t kidnap her the last time he had the chance, so she decided to give him a shot.

Inside of the apartment, Darren grabbed the helmet, phone and keys; but when he announced he was leaving, the hustle stopped him.

“You’re leaving the game?!” Brian had never seemed more insulted. Even Joe was surprised. “Why?”

It’d be a great opportunity to brag about how ahead he was from Joe; but he didn’t seize it. Maybe it was due the guilt caused by his friend’s sorrow, maybe it was something else. But he replied with a simple _“somewhere, close the door when you leave”_.

“Are you sure about this?” Lauren asked once more, while they walked outside again.

“A forty minute ride with a hot girl holding my waist. Let me think…” He joked. He looked at her with a grin, expecting her to laugh; but she didn’t. She still had that desperate expression on her face.

Caroline was waiting on the sidewalk, walking nervously and biting her thumb. She looked relieved when she saw Darren was coming with her.

“Text me when you get there, if you can find where to charge your phone.” Caroline said to her friend while Darren was getting the bike out of the garage.

Lauren only nodded, and Caroline gave her a hug.

“It’ll be okay. Be strong.” She added, and Lauren tried to smile, walking to the street where Darren had started the bike.

Lauren stayed a moment there, standing up, next to the bike.

“You won’t do that jump thing again, right?” The question was funny, but she was being serious.

Darren held a laugh as he shook his head, “Don’t worry.”

Lauren waved to Caroline when they got to the end of the street. She refused to wear the helmet this time- the only thought of something that wasn’t the wind against her face would suffocate her. So Darren hung it from the handlebars, deciding it wasn’t fair to wear it either.

They were silent until they were on the road. Darren speeded up, taking advantage of the calmer path and security restriction, and Lauren closed her eyes and her grip got slightly tighter, just a little, but enough for him to realize.

“Are you okay?”

Lauren’s reply wasn’t immediate.

“Yes.”

“What happened to your dad?” He didn’t know whether the question would be for worse or better, but she answered comfortably.

“He had a heart attack. It’s very common in my family.”

“Are you very close to him?”

Lauren’s eyes were following the trees at the sides of the pavement.

“I used to, when I was littler. He and my mom got divorced a few years ago, and it hasn’t been the same since then. But I love him, and I care a lot about him.”

The certainty and simplicity with that confession was surprising to him; probably because his situation was very different. He couldn’t help but to try to compare his bond with his parents to others all the time; and it upset him, because he could never say something like that with such ease.

“Do you go to Detroit often?” Lauren was the one who made a question this time.

“Not really. I guess I just know all the trails because I enjoy taking road trips.”

Lauren couldn’t imagine what he found enjoyable; after twenty minutes her butt hurt and she felt she needed to change her position or her bones would never move again.

Like if he could see her judgmental expression, he proceeded to explain:

“It started out of necessity, but it wasn’t long until it became a hobby. It’s good for the mind, taking a journey alone, sometimes, you know?”

“I guess so.” Lauren replied, mainly because she felt she should try to sound understandable. He was making a big favor to her. She had never experienced riding a motorbike, whatsoever. She hadn’t needed to learn that before.

She remembered rejecting the offer of her mom buying her a car when she started college, and decided to use that money to rent a place in the campus. She still thought she took the right choice.

“If you feel tired, you can rest on my back.” Darren said after a moment. “And cross your hands over my tummy, and stuff. I really wouldn’t mind.”

Lauren snorted a laugh. “Charming.” She replied sarcastically, “But no, thanks.”

A part of him hoped she’d might take the proposition seriously; but at least she laughed, and that was something.

Darren realized that the anxiety returned again when finished locking his motorbike with a shackle, and had to run to catch Lauren at the entrance of the hospital. She asked to the receptionist about her father, and then she said he was in the third floor in the room 447. The elevator seemed to notice their hurry and moved terribly slow. Darren didn’t know whether to comment on Lauren’s feet tapping the floor repeatedly or how she kept passing her fingers through her hair. He chose to keep his mouth shut.

 Lauren’s mom was a refined, imposing woman. She was taller than Lauren, her brunette hair was short and perfectly straightened, and she looked like if she just got out of the White House and somebody put her in a hospital without considering she wouldn’t fit in.

Darren waited across the hall while Lauren walked to this impressive woman; when it hit him. It was an obviousness, nonetheless it surprised him- Lauren had money. This thought had never crossed his mind because she was studying acting, an occupation not proper to this status; and because she had never came across as that kind of vain person, or was he just simply too blind by his crush to realize? But it was clear now, seeing her standing next to this successful woman with designer clothing and a chin aiming higher than her neck. He breathed, feeling an abrupt discomfort, wondering if it would be okay to go outside and smoke a cigar.

“Your father needs to understand that I can’t do these things anymore.” The woman said, exhausted, before Lauren had the chance to properly meet her. Then she added, quickly, “I’m sorry. How are you, darling?”

She gave her a hug, but Lauren cut it quickly. She felt too nervous for that.

“How is he? Do you know something?”

“He got in the hospital too late and they had to do a bypass surgery.” Lauren felt something was pressing her chest after hearing this. She was late, too. “The doctor said they expect him to be okay. But he didn’t wake up yet.” She glanced at the phone on her hand. “I gotta go back to Ann Arbor, I have work. It’s the Perkins’ case again. But they need someone to stay here until he is conscious.”

She sighed, and Lauren had the impression she was waiting for her to say something.

“Um, I can stay tonight. You can go to work.”

“All by yourself?”

“I’m with a friend.” Lauren pointed at Darren, and he looked so suddenly uncomfortable that she regretted doing so. “Go, it’s fine.”

She didn’t seem very convinced, but she finally agreed.

“Don’t tell him I was here.” She said, and gave Lauren another hug- although she didn’t want this one either. Those words didn’t need an explanation; just another proof that they were still purposive to completely ignore each other.

While her figure disappeared at the end of the hall, Lauren breathed in and out. She walked to the door of the room 447 and placed her hand on the doorknob, without the courage to push it. She knew there was nothing out of this world inside, just his dad laying on a bed and a machine counting the beating of his heart. She couldn’t determine why it was so hard for her; and why she needed to see it with her own eyes and make sure he was okay.

It wasn’t a good idea. And when she did it, when she saw him, it didn’t make her feel better, and instead of feeling relieved she wanted to cry. She thought that he’d probably join her grandfather and predecessors by dying before turning 70, and the place where her imagination was trying to drag her was depressing.

The ache on her chest reached her throat; and she couldn’t get herself together enough to remember that she should remain calm. She pressed her fingers against her forehead and closed eyes, but this couldn’t bring her back to the ground. She needed to get out of there.

“Are you okay?” Darren’s voice from the door surprised her, even though it sounded gentle and quiet.

She only nodded, her fingers now pressed against the low part of her neck, where they met her collarbone. She was aware that if she tried to talk, it’d all come out; like if someone kept blowing up a balloon at the edge of bursting out.

Darren couldn’t move when Lauren passed by him and walked a few steps away from the room. She stopped there, pressed a hand onto her mouth and broke down, right there in front of his eyes. Her sobs were barely audible, but the way her body convulsed and how the tears slipped through her cheeks gave her away.

_Shit_ , he thought. He didn’t know what to do. A twinge of pain infringed his thorax from seeing her that way. Whether how she felt she always managed to keep herself together, but she had reached her breaking point. They weren’t really close, and he didn’t know how to act or how she’d react.

He looked away for only second, wetting his lips. _Fuck it_ , he was going for it.

Darren gave those two steps between them, wrapped his arms around her back and softly pulled her closer to him. He almost sighed of relief when Lauren rested her forehead on his shoulder. She cried a little while more, but the sobs shook her less between his arms. He slowly caressed her back with his fingers, and only for a very short moment allowed himself to enjoy her proximity regardless of the situation.

It took her a while to catch her breath again. Then she pulled away, and avoided his eyes as she walked to a seat.

She told him to go, and he refused. She warned that her mood wouldn’t get better, and he said he was used to it. Lauren didn’t know what to respond to that.

He walked outside to smoke a cigarette at some point. Lauren bought two cups of coffee, which didn’t stop her from falling asleep during a moment. Darren put on his headphones, taking the seat next to her, and before he could tell he fell asleep too.

Lauren’s dad didn’t wake up until almost 5am. Lauren was inside of the room for more than an hour; but when she walked out she was smiling. Her hair was a mess, and the dark circles under her eyes were terrible.

“Everything in order.” She announced, holding a thumb up.  “He just gave me the number of his girlfriend, and she’s on her way, so we can go.”

“Great.” He said, standing up and making his bones crack. His body was a little sore thanks to the uncomfortable seat of the hospital.

During the ride home, the sky was pink and the smell of the dew relaxed them. Lauren could actually start to enjoy it then. She wouldn’t magically turn into a speed lover- but there was something about the way the wind hit her face and her arms around Darren’s waist.

When they stopped to buy gasoline, Lauren fought to pay it. Darren pulled her hand away.

“No, no.” He said shaking head, standing ahead her to hand the bills to the employee.

“It’s the fair thing. Seriously, Darren, I can-”

“I said no.” He cut it out dryly.

Lauren would’ve replied something if the tiredness wasn’t taking over her; so she just sighed and let him pay and they were silent the rest of the trip.

It was the morning already when he stopped at her place.

“Just in time for my class with my favorite, Mr. Hannigan.” Lauren said rolling her eyes, getting off the bike.

“You had a hard night. Take the morning off and sleep.” Darren suggested.

“I might do.” She normally wouldn’t agree, but her eyelids were heavy and she felt worryingly tired.

“I’ll join you, just so you won’t be the only one with one attendance less.” He winked.

“How thoughtful.” Lauren faked surprise, and then added with serenity, “Thank you for tonight.”

“At your service.” He took a breath, trying to use the same gravity on his voice, but knowing he couldn’t make it. “Will you be okay? You know you can call me if you need to talk, right?”

Lauren smiled, and nodded shortly. It was probably the first time she heard him saying something that nice. And it hit her that after that night, it would be hypocrite from her part to keep avoiding it: Darren was her friend.

She leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek, and then turned back to climb the stairs of the building.

_Shit_ , he thought again, and he didn’t know if that curse came from a place of joy or humiliation.

He cared about that girl; and it wasn’t because of a bet, or a bike, or because he wanted to sleep with her.


	7. Just friends

**Chapter 7: Just friends**

Darren quickly ran a hand though his hair several times, and the ringlets turned messier.

“Dude, you really need a haircut.” Brian observed with certain disgust in his voice, before going back to his book.

It was weird seeing Brian studying like if his life depended on it. But he understood the reason, actually; this was supposed to be his, Joe and Jeff’s last year. He’d be in the same position the next year, too. It’s not like if he didn’t touch his notes in the entire class term, but he could get by studying intensively one week before the exam- so far.

“Finally.” Darren sighed, standing up, when there was a knock on his door.

Rachel was so out of breath when he opened the door that her greeting was barely audible, and she entered into the apartment, a guy following her. He was a slim, tall, 20-something guy (Probably not older than him), with chocolate hair and a slight stubble through the line of his jaw. A pair of sunglasses hung from the V-neck of his white shirt, and he sort of smelled like caffeine.

“This is Joey.” Rachel introduced him, and Darren shook his hand.  “He’s going to help you with the gambling business. He’s graduating as an accountant in a few months, so seize him as long as you can.”

This explained his looks and the dark circles under his eyes.

She sat down next to Brian at the table and pulled of his earlobe to bother his study session. Darren offered Joey a drink.

“The big opening is this Saturday.” He informed.

“How many people there are going to be?” Joey glanced at Rachel. “I might need help.”

“A lot, probably.” Darren said, proud. “All of my guys are in- well, except Joe and Rick, but Rick said he’ll be there anyway, because he’s mechanic and wants to get costumers. Only ourselves, we will attract a big crowd already. Jeff has a few friends that run races in Detroit and they might want to come too.”

“I have a few friends, too.” Rachel said, and then a grin was drawn on her red lips. “And I’m sure your friends from NYU won’t miss it if they find out, neither.”

The sarcasm of that phrase was obvious.

“However,” Darren continued, trying to ignore the memories the only mention of that place brought him, “I’ll be there to help you, and so will Rick and Brian. Right?”

Brian was way too focused on his book to even notice the people around him.

“Like if you’ll miss the chance to show off!” Rachel said to Darren. “Are you saying you won’t compete?”

“Yeah, but just at the end.” Darren shrugged, as if winning a race was a doodle.

“Then I’m in, too.” She snapped. “Just so you can have some real competition.”

Darren shook his head, laughing. “Great. And thanks for dragging Joey into this. You’re a life saver.” He put a hand on her shoulder, softly shaking it.

Rachel was the kind of person who always knew someone who could help you out, or in the absence she knew someone who knew someone. If you needed a hand there was probably no one better than her.

Joey made an effort to smile at this compliment, as he flipped the hair that apparently used to be a fringe but now was only an annoyance. He was only trying to make some money, and maybe get to know fun people and get free alcohol.

Things seemed to be in control so far.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Darren couldn’t help but to think about it: This was a great chance to have Lauren around again. He first thought about sending her a text, but he realized this wouldn’t be enough. He knew her well enough to know that as long as she could avoid any distractions, she would. So he waited patiently until that Thursday, after they got out of a class they had together.

She was always one of the last people to get out of the classroom, whether because she wanted to avoid the mess of people running across the room, or because she was finishing writing her notes.

That day, she was wearing skinny jeans, a pink tank top under a light jacket and a messy ponytail, and he felt his lips tightening while he indulged to stare at her figure before she realized he was there. She frowned when she spotted him leaning against the door frame, waiting for her, but she was quick hiding it.

“Looking for something?” Lauren asked with a grin as she passed by the door and kept walking though the hall of the university.

“Just you.” He simply responded, walking next to her.

“Something tells me you’re not going to ask me a question about the class.”

He felt she was more easygoing after the night they spent in the hospital. It couldn’t simply not affect them; he had seen a part of her that was vulnerable, and it was like if he silently agreed to keep it a secret. There was a bond between them, though fragile, but noticeable.

“Look, I know you probably restrict your agenda to spend only one day at week with me, but there’s motorcycle races this Saturday and it’s kinda huge. It’s really close to the campus. And I’d give you a ride home afterwards, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Darren preferred to elide the fact that he was the one who arranged everything; but Lauren already knew it. She overheard Caroline and Julia talking about it, and pretended she wasn’t listening. This didn’t make the event far much attractive, though. But she didn’t know how to explain this without coming out as rude.

“What would I do in a place like that?”

“Um, I don’t know, watch me?” Darren suggested, like if that was obvious. He was very good. She’d fall for him as soon as she saw him winning and people gathered around him.

Lauren laughed, but she stopped when she noticed he wasn’t joking.

“You’re serious.” She said, kind of sarcastically; like if she couldn’t believe it. “Thanks for inviting me, but it’s kinda not my thing. Good luck though. I’m sure there will be a dozen of other girls cheering for you.” It had always been evident, and still that first ever allusion of groupies sounded with a dash of jealousy. She wasn’t jealous. It just came out like that.

And of course there will be other girls. There always were. But he didn’t want that dozen, he wanted her. Why was that so hard to understand? What was keeping her from giving him a single shot? He had been doing everything right. He was going slow, he was appropriate, and he did every single fucking thing she asked him to. Since Jim’s party, he hadn’t made a thing to come across as an asshole. But as soon as he suggested something that differed slightly from her life, she completely shut him out. It started to upset him.

“The forced politeness is unnecessary.” Darren cut. “Save it for someone who doesn’t give a fuck.”

Despite his tone wasn’t loud, the manner of that phrase shocked her so much she stopped walking. Darren disappeared at the end of the hall, and she could only observe it in silence. He didn’t look angry, but more like disappointed. And he didn’t turn back his head not even once.

Lauren felt a strange discomfort during the entire next period; and she failed to determine exactly why.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The word _triumph_ bounced in his head the entire night. He tried to feel a little less arrogant, just in the case this could ruin it; but everything was perfect. The word spread, the place was full of people and hubbub, drinks ran from hand to hand and there were even a few corners with a very distinctive smell. Darren had put a table under the bridge to arrange the gamble, and he and Joey were working at full speed to keep up with the exalted people who wanted to bet on their favorite. Yes, everything was perfect.

Well, _almost_.

It was almost a fact that she wouldn’t show up, and he still glanced at the little groups of people that walked hurriedly under the bridge, fearing a race would start and someone could hit them. It was in vain; she wasn’t there and she wasn’t going to be.

“Dude, do you want me to cover you?” Rick asked to Darren. Darren nodded almost instantly; he could use some spare time. The people were crazy there. Joey was actually the one who was counting all the numbers, but unfortunately, no one could replace him.

“Please.” He answered, and then couldn’t help but to laugh as he heard someone bet on Brian- that was a risky choice.

When Rick took his place, he walked a little away from the long line following the table. He observed the place. The bridge was full of people, because you could watch most of the circuit from up there. But there were also a lot of people nearby. Not everyone went particularly to watch the race, he knew that; it was also a social meeting.

Most of the people in there were there for a reason. A boy or girl who could afford to go to a club uptown every weekend wasn’t likely to be there. They were mostly outcasts, and he liked that.

The length and difficulty for every race depended on the circuit you choose; which was stated clearly before it started. You could make up an infinity of combinations, but the hardest one, and Darren’s favorite was always saved for the end. It included passing through the bridge, down an alley, taking an avenue and having to jump across three ramps. The finish line was the same place where you started. If you made it alright, you could finish it in about twenty five minutes. But it wasn’t for everybody, and newbies knew clearly that they couldn’t just try to go through it that simple.

Darren didn’t spot anyone from NYU that he knew, which was perfect.

He thanked Rick when there were enough people to start the first race, promising he’d repay him some of his work.

“You should compete the next time.” Darren suggested. “With the newbies or something. The easy one.”

“I would, but-” He shook his head, glancing at Rachel who  was a few feet away, smoking a cigarette, like if he cut a thought from his mind. “I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“So you’re great manipulating bikes but it scares you to ride them?” Darren messed with him, grinning. Rick frowned shortly and pressed his lips together. “I could give you some tips or something.”

Yes, Rick formed part of the group now; but if he really wanted to linger for a long time, he’d have to get some balls. Darren was willing to help but he couldn’t do the entire job for him.

“That’d be great, but-” He did that thing again, stopping himself and glancing at Rachel.

“You want to impress Rachel? Staring at her in silence is not the way.” He said as they walked from the middle of the path. He made a thumbs up to Brian, who was in the first series, about to start.

“I don’t stand a chance with her anyway.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be like your mentor.” Darren made a wink. Easier way to get to ride bikes than to Rachel, though. He decided to make him know that she had a boyfriend sometime later.  “You’ll be winning in three weeks.”

Jim announced the initiation with the shot of an air gun; and he couldn’t follow the figures in the bikes for a long time. The sound of their motors was covered by the screaming of people.

It was an environment full of energy and fun. It was refreshing.

A new guy from Detroit, probably friend of Jeff won the first race. Jeff won the second, and the third and fourth were people Darren didn’t know. Then the grand finale was announced, and he leaded his bike from the parking lot to the start, next to Rachel. There were two more guys competing, but he didn’t know them either.

He glanced to the crowd as the rest got ready; but he didn’t find the face he was looking for.

Caroline was near with a few of his friends. Darren greeted her with his head, and Caroline walked a few steps closer, smiling.

“There wasn’t any luck, right?” He joked, and she knew what he was referring to.

“I really tried to bring her, but she’s working on an essay due this Monday. Sorry.” Caroline explained.

“Right.” Darren said. Such a liar. “Well, tell her that I lost, so she can feel guilty about it. Even though I’ll win.”

Caroline laughed. “You didn’t even compete yet.”

He smirked cockily as he started his motorbike.

 “Please.”

A girl called Caroline’s name and she walked away. Darren speeded up the motor as Jim counted back the numbers to start the race. He could feel his heart beating intensively as the moment was closer.

The adrenaline took over his body after the shoot. He didn’t even need to think, he was so trained that he acted following his instinct and it always protected him. Rachel wasn’t joking the other day, she was pretty good, too, and she was an interesting competition. They happened to be near most of the race, but Darren lost her behind him after the second ramp. Only when he was back at the start he saw her arriving like twenty seconds later. No surprise there, neither.

The night was an overall success. They hadn’t planned to make another event until at least a month later, but people had been so excited about it that they promised to repeat it the next weekend. Darren, Rick, Brian, Jeff, Rachel, Jim and Joey stayed up sharing a few drinks to celebrate.

It was at least 5am when Darren got in bed. He fell asleep as soon as his face planked against the pillow. He couldn’t tell what time he got up, but he was sure it wasn’t lunch time when he cooked a plate of rice with cheese.

The anger of that other day was just a distant memory by the evening; and he didn’t want to lose the Sunday- he knew he’d have to wait a week to be alone with Lauren again.

She was surprised when he showed up at her dorm; eyes wide and the guitar case hanging from his shoulder as if he hadn’t stayed up all night.

“I thought you wouldn’t come.” She commented. She didn’t even pick a movie.

“I thought the same, too, but then I said: what would you do without me on a Sunday evening?”

She giggled shortly, “Why the guitar?” she asked while she walked to her bedroom to quickly choose a movie.

“Since you didn’t want to hear my music I thought I’d bring it to you.” He said, resting on the couch and throwing his head back.

Lauren grinned slightly. Well, she couldn’t say no to that.

“Did you finish your essay?”

Lauren was too busy putting the movie on to realize the meaning of that question.

“Which essa-?” She stopped herself. Too late. “Oh.” She had given herself away.

“Lauren, trust me, I’d rather hear that you hate me to guts and don’t wanna see me, than your lies.”

She looked down for a second, trying to figure out if that comment made her feel more insulted or guiltier.

“I’m not a liar. Don’t say that again.” Her tone was deeply severe. “Can we please just watch the fucking movie?”

It was the first time Darren ever heard her cursing, though it would not be the last. He sighed quietly, his arm stretching through the arm of the couch; and as he couldn’t answer he had no choice but to stare at the screen while _You’ve got mail_ started.

Long story short, it was some sort of Pride and Prejudice remake with two librarians that met online; they could never be together despite they were perfect for each other, because their stores were endgame competitors. Darren thought it was a brilliant dialogue; and held back the comment that Lauren was basically Meg Ryan’s character because he knew she’d have a list of reasons why that wasn’t true.

There was this part at the end when Tom Hanks told her not to cry, and she goes: _“I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.”_ After this phrase, Lauren finally looked at him and talked, and he wondered if it was possible that they had spent the entire movie in silence.

“You know, the difference between these movies and my Shakespeare’s analysis is that the couples in films are never married.” She commented, her elbow was placed on the top of the couch and her face rested against her hand. “Like, what happens then?” She made a pause, and he had the impression she was recalling an old memory. “My mom always said that passion only lasts for a while, and if you’re lucky you can only end up with someone you trust.” Then again, she got divorced, so that wasn’t a good standard. “Is it childish that I actually expect for something more?”

There was a moment of silence. Darren didn’t know what to say- it took him by surprise. Sometimes he forgot that Lauren had an unique perspective about everything; he wondered if they sat down to share them with each other (One hundred percent honest, and with no second intentions) they might couldn’t coincide on a single one. Lauren stared at him (Probably too lost in her thoughts to notice), then she shook her head.

“I didn’t know the race was that important for you.” Her voice was now much more casual. “I guess I could stop by, just a while, the next time.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I can go to support you… as a friend.” Lauren replied. After all, he saved her from that guy at a party the other day, he drove her all the way to Detroit, he brought his guitar, he watched 3 movies he probably didn’t like just because she said so; and it wasn’t like if she didn’t enjoy his presence- sometimes.

“Just friends?” Darren raised an eyebrow.

“Just friends.” She determined.  

He could work it out. And he knew how.

“So…” He stood up. “Remember that movie you made me watch, which I kinda hated?” Lauren rolled her eyes. “The guy plays this song that I thought I could try on my guitar.” He took the instrument from its case. “It’s not that hard, but I only practiced it once, so it’s still a bit lame.”

It was a pretty cheesy and needy song; too much of everything for him, but if she hadn’t listened to his own songs, he probably wouldn’t want to hear them live neither. So it was all he could use to get by.

Darren walked back to his seat on the couch; and first played a few chords before starting singing.

_I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad,_

_Carry you around when your arthritis is bad,_

_All I wanna do is grow old with you._

_I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches,_

_Build you a fire if the furnace break,_

_Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you._

Lauren, who was observing since the other side of the couch, noticed the effect of his voice at the very first second he started singing. It was soft, yet powerful; and it was like nothing she heard before, even though his fingers were still a little behind with the guitar.

His voice sort of sounded like steamy tea and fire sparks; only raspy in the precise moments.

_I'll miss you, kiss you;_

_Give you my coat when you are cold._

_Need you, feed you, even let you hold the remote control._

_So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink,_

_Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink,_

_I could be the man who grows old with you._

_I wanna grow old with you._

She couldn’t help but to laugh off the irony of the situation. Darren was the least proper person to sing words like those; even so he could deal with it as if he truly felt it by heart.

The last strums of the guitar ended five seconds after he stopped singing. Lauren had to admit it: he had an amazing voice. He was just overall very good. But she knew that was the reaction he was waiting for, and just for fun she wouldn’t concede him this.

“So?” Darren asked, and his eyebrows went up for a second.

Lauren smirked, slightly tilting her head.

“I bet everyone must tell you that you’re the best. Caroline will kill me if she finds out you sang in this room while she was gone. And she’d have said that, too.”

“What does that mean?” He asked, putting the guitar on its case, like if he suddenly didn’t want to play anymore. “ _I’m not?_ ”

Lauren giggled. “You’re okay.”

Darren had grabbed his guitar case, and put its strap around his shoulder. He sighed, walked to the door and opened it. Then he said, turning around and looking at Lauren.

“What do I have to do to be good enough for you?”

She grinned, going to the door too. Darren was behind the door frame, on the stairs; and she stopped on the last tile of her house, her tiptoes above the frame.

 She had sensed that question for a while. He was frustrated, and she didn’t understand it at first. It wasn’t that she didn’t want anything to do with him; well, except maybe when they first met. It’s just that she had gotten used to ignore most people, especially guys. Her career had always been her priority, and she was only then starting to understand that it was healthy to balance it all out.

Yes, Darren was still partly dangerous and she wouldn’t trust him with everything. Darren wasn’t like the good guys from the movies she loved. But this didn’t mean she couldn’t hang out with him.

“Your ego needs a brake every once in a while.” She teased him.

His lips drew a smile, as he slowly shook his head.

“You are _so_ like the girl from _You’ve got mail_.” He finally said. “Pissed off, determined and always with a witty comeback on your tongue.”

She laughed and looked at him in the eye, and the arousal in his chest couldn’t allow him to think straight. He had been staring at her lips for a long moment. He wanted to kiss her so badly. It just seemed like the perfect timing.

He couldn’t miss the chance, and for a second he thought nothing could go wrong whilst his face moved closer to her, and his lips searched hers. For a very short period of time, he honestly thought they’d kiss.

But a twinge travelled across his throat as her hand placed on his chest, firmly but not violently, stopping him from kissing her. Although, she didn’t move her face; so his nose was grazing hers, on the slinky verge of touch.

She let out the breath she had been holding; Darren wondered for how long. He could almost feel its warmness on his mouth. Their proximity was so powerful they felt their muscles would go numb.

Lauren was looking down; but she still didn’t move and he couldn’t simply ignore that since it seemed an eternity before she whispered:

“Just friends.” Her voice came out weak. “Remember?”

It seemed as if nothing had ever been as hard as giving a step back; and he only did it because being that close to her any longer without being able to kiss her would kill him. He was certain about this.

That strange, sort of magnetic connection was broke all of sudden as they split up. And they remained there, standing up, looking at each other as their breaths were still heavy and their minds quite stunned. Lauren’s hand slowly fell back to its place.

“Yeah, see you later.” He said with a thin voice. The pupils of his eyes were dilated.

He turned around and walked downstairs while she could do nothing besides staying still.

She only closed the door after she heard the distant motor of his bike. She knew it was foolish to wonder, yet she couldn’t help but to ask to herself: What would’ve happened if she hadn’t stopped him?


	8. The Huron River

**Chapter 8: The Huron River**

Lauren left her _A Midsummer’s Night Dream_ copy on the table, and finished her bottle of water. Taking that walk on that Saturday’s morning was a wise choice; it had been refreshing. Although it was a little cold, she forgot about it when she put her body in movement. She turned on the radio, checking if maybe Caroline would wake up this way. It was midday already.

She fixed one of the Christmas balls that hang from their ridiculously tiny tree, while she dialed her mom’s number in her cell phone. It rang five times before she picked up. They shared a brief perfunctory talk. Christmas, Grace’s parents’ house, dress neatly; yes, good and you, still working in the Perkins’ case, see you there.

Grace was one of her high school friends that she’d meet every once in a while. Their parents were hosting this year’s most elegant Christmas party, and she’d have to go. Not that this was a devastating new, she could usually enjoy those parties; but she couldn’t recall in her memory to share just a normal intimate dinner with only her family. It was always an excuse for her mom to gather all her clients and make business. This year wasn’t an exception; and Christmas was only next week.

Caroline walked from her room dragging her feet and with her eyes barely opened.

“Good morning…” Lauren said, and her friend snarled in response.

“I’m living here to escape from my parents.” She said after a moment, throwing herself on the couch. “And yet, here you are.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re giving an additional tweak to the brake.” Darren explained, walking to the bike, since Rick had almost fell onwards for the fifth time. “You gotta hold it on and then squeeze it some more, and that’s it.”

Rick put a hand on his forehead to be able to look at Darren, because the sun had risen above them and was currently behind Darren’s shadow.

“I won’t get it right for this week.”

Darren snorted, “Then what do you want me to tell you? Don’t do it? You signed up yourself for this Saturday.” He said sharply. “You’re in this now.”

Rick took a deep breath. “I’ll practice it once more.”

“You gotta control you mind.” He explained, his tone a bit softer. “You can’t let the machine scare you. That’s your only problem, and you know it.”

Darren walked out of the road in which they were practicing that day; where Joe was resting against a fence to the side of the path. He had his sunglasses on, but Darren could imagine the disapproval on his eyes.

“He’s kinda terrible.” He said.

“He’s improving.” Darren corrected.

He wouldn’t admit it, but Joe was right. Rick was pretty terrible. It was ironic, because he most than any of them understood the mechanism of motorcycles. But the panic in his brain wouldn’t let him pour into practice all his knowledge. And Darren’s tips had helped, but he’d still get on the last place without a doubt.

Rick started the bike and overtook (a little too much) before turning around a corner where a hill prevented them from seeing him. He disappeared for more than thirty seconds, and they started to think that he wouldn’t go back, but then he appeared behind that same hill again. He took a long time to brake, despite he made that tweak again.

Darren winced at this. It was still his best attempt.

Rick didn’t even look at them, he just turned around and made the same circuit again. He had said that was the last time, but he continued for a while. The guy wouldn’t give up just like that.

Joe noted the grin on his face.

“He’s kinda like you, right?”

“What? We’re nothing alike.”

“He might not have your innate talent, but he’s stubborn as a mule, too.”

Darren giggled. That was true.

There was a moment of silence, in which he had the most intense intern debate; before finally saying with a fake causality:

“You can borrow my bike for one of the races, tomorrow. If you want. It wouldn’t be an issue.”

Darren knew he was missing terribly the speed; and he also knew that the whole Devin-drama thing was serious game by then. He deserved some minutes of adrenaline; to let go the stress.

“You’re serious?” Joe looked at him.

Darren shrugged. “Sure.”

Probably the widest smile he had seen in the entire year was drawn on Joe’s lips; and the beholden tone of his voice (almost) accomplishes to make him feel guilty.

“Man.” He breathed. “I forgot how cool you actually were.”

Darren didn’t say anything.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was late already when Julia honked the park from the street that night. Lauren was wearing a blue sweater, a black little skirt, black tights and brown ankle boots. Caroline whistled at her as she saw her, and Lauren shook her head. But she knew she looked pretty. She knew what make up to use to look natural yet glowing for a casual night; and straightening her hair always worked to make a difference.

Caroline looked gorgeous, too. She was the master at rocking a flowered dress, even at night; like if she were in high school.

“I hope you won’t abandon me in the middle of the night again.” Lauren commented, still slightly upset about that; as they got into Julia’s car.

“Like if you’ll need a ride tonight, please!” Caroline messed with her from the passenger seat, turning her head back to look at her reaction to this comment.

Lauren raised her eyebrows in a warning that it wasn’t funny, but her friend ignored it and laughed anyway.

Julia parked four blocks away, and they walked from there. Lauren was shocked by the amount of people. At some point it was even hard to find a path without pushing anyone from the way. There was a group of guys that shouted and whistled inappropriately as they walked by, but putting that aside, it seemed an enjoyable, fun environment.

“There’s Dylan.” Julia informed, pointing near the bridge, under the roof an old food stall.

Lauren searched quickly thought the throng of people, but it wasn’t hard to find him, there was a long row of people in front of him.

“Stay around here, I’ll go in a minute.” Lauren said, as her friends nodded her head and walked to Dylan.

She didn’t know if she could just do that, but she was in no way waiting for that long row of people to bet just so she could talk to Darren. So she walked directly to the table, where he was with another guy she didn’t know. They both were so busy with their tasks that they didn’t happen to notice her presence at first. Then the guy next to Darren did. He seemed a bit hyperactive; but he spoke with a gentle voice.

“Can I help you?”

“Hi, yes. Fifty dollars to Darren Criss, please.” Lauren said with a smirk, handing him the bill.

This guy whom she’d later find out was called Joey, didn’t call her out on jumping to the front of the row and just accepted her money; and Lauren wondered if pretty girls got special treatments in that place. If Darren was in charge, there was a high likelihood.

He recognized her voice at the instant though. His face lifted and he smiled. She noted he was surprised; and this offended her a little. She said she’d go! Did her promises even worth so little?

“You came.” Darren said, like if he couldn’t believe it. Then he called, “Brian! Hey, Brian! Can you cover me up?”

“Sure.” Brian replied, directing a short smirk to Lauren that put her nervous. Couldn’t they act normally whenever she was around?

Brian took Darren’s seat, and he walked to her.

“Hey,” He said lowly, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She felt strangely eager to talk to him.

“If you lose, you owe me fifty dollars.” Lauren joked.

Darren softly pushed her back with his hand, leading her to walk through the people. His hand placed so spontaneously on her, that she had to ask to herself if he constantly held back those casual touches in order for her to trust him.

“That’s not going to happen.” He said, and his tone made clear he was serious.

“That’s a little cocky from your part.” Lauren commented. “Didn’t you know that good winners never take themselves for granted?”

Darren let out a sharp sigh, and he looked at her as he replied, “That’s probably been my mistake since the start.”

She laughed, because she knew what he referred to.

He crouched in front of a hanheld icebox and grabbed two cans of beer from inside. Next to him, sitting down on the grass, there was this guy Lauren knew since he was in Nick’s classes, the boy Caroline was helping to study. He seemed very young compared to Darren, despite the difference couldn’t be so remarkable. His brown hair was fixed in a very stylish hairdo; but the expression of his face was rather naïve.

“This is Rick.” Darren introduced them, handing Lauren the beer. She wasn’t the biggest fan of this drink, but she accepted it since it was a special occasion. “Rick, she’s Lo.” Darren finished, using the nickname which he baptized her the other day, assuring this’d make her look cooler. Rick followed Darren’s game, pretending his friends didn’t know who she was, when this wasn’t the case at all…

Lauren shook his hand, and he smiled to her. She could tell he was very attractive, his body was slim, his shoulders wide and his eyes from the color of the sky; but then again his insecurity was obvious and he looked a bit uncomfortable.

Darren then proceeded to point at the people chatting near them, explaining those were his friends and were helping them with the business, and introducing their names one by one so she could identify them. Thank God she knew most of them, because otherwise she’d never remember all those names. He talked passionately and excitedly about it, his eyes had a special bright, which confirmed that this was indeed very important for him.

“I didn’t think there’d be so many people.” Lauren admitted, then drank a sip of beer.

“I know, right?” His face lighted up all over again. “It’s amazing.” He looked at Rick. “And it’s Rick’s first race, too.”

“Is it?” Well, that explained why he looked that nervous.

“How are you feeling? Ready to kick their asses?” Darren friendly punched him in the shoulder with his fist. It was mostly to try to give him some hope.

Rick stood up, first shook her head and then grabbed the can from Darren’s hand to drink like ten sips straight. Darren laughed.

“Just stay alive, please?” Lauren said with a frown, observing just in case he could choke from the way he was drinking.

Darren looked at her with a grin on his lips. “You’re such a killjoy.” He said, messing with her. “Relax. Nothing’s gonna happen.” He subtly leaned closer while he talked, and his hand brushed her arm.

And when he said it, it sounded true.

Darren’s phone rang and he read a text from Brian saying that they should start with the first series soon. He chuckled, but he knew he had to go.

“Go get ready.” He said to Rick, who took a deep breath. “You can do it! The girls will get crazy for you.” He pat his back, and this seemed to encourage him a bit. The guy glanced at Rachel, of course; and then walked to get his bike. Then Darren called Rachel, and the girl seemed kind of upset when she walked to them.

“What?” She asked fiercely. She had a can of beer in her hands as well. Her nails were painted the same burning red from her lips; and a platinum necklace showed mildly under her leather jacket.

“Can you stay with Lauren? I gotta go to start the race.” He asked, and the expression on the girl’s face switched to a smile as soon as he mentioned her name.

“Hey, we haven’t properly met.” Lauren could only force a smile before she talked again, “Of course I’ll stay with her. You go do your shit.”

Darren looked at Lauren again.

“You won’t escape, right?” he whispered, grinning lightly.

But she didn’t give him an answer. She mocked the phrase he said instead, “I hope the girls get crazy for you, too.”

There was a dash of jealousy on her tone again; but this time, it was intentional. Darren laughed.

“I’m waiting for just one to do it. But who knows? Tonight might be my lucky day.” He shrugged; and she shook her head, laughing too, as he walked away.

Lauren made a sign with her hand to Caroline indicating to come with her. As soon as she got there, she made questions about Darren, and she replied vaguely trying to hide her discomfort since his friend was standing next to them. Rachel seemed sort of approachable, but she really couldn’t think of a conversation to start with her.

Joe walked to Rachel and put an arm around her, whispering something; taking a place next to Lauren. It was only after that that he realized the two girls were there. He unwrapped his arm from her very quickly.

“Hey,” He called, looking at them with a charming smile. “Enjoying the soiree?”

“I think so, yes.” Lauren replied shyly.

“Don’t fraternize with the enemy.” Rachel warned to her, but the slight of a grin on her lips indicated a joke. “He used to be Darren’s hardest competition.”

“Really? I thought you guys were very close friends.” She commented; although she bit her cheek at certain memory regarding this.

“We’re best friends.” Joe cleared, but then he added, “We just get very… competitive, sometimes. If you get what I mean.”

She didn’t.

“Yeah, Lauren’s whimsical like that, too!” Caroline jumped in, trying to take a part in the conversation. “The other day, I got a better grade than her in an essay for our Stage Production class, and she made a scandal.”

“I didn’t make-!” Lauren cried. “It was unfair, you wrote it the night before it was due.”

 Joe looked surprised that Caroline had dared to join the talk, but he smiled briefly at her. Then he said particularly to Lauren:

“I think that’s great. Don’t get settled for anything less than the best.” He slowly wet his lips with his tongue. “That goes for Darren, too.”

Lauren frowned, quickly asking, “What does that-?”

“It’s a joke.” Rachel cut in with a resentful voice. She gave Joe a strange look, “Joe’s going to get ready because his series is the next. Right, Jo?”

He only grinned calmly in response. “Right.” He gave Lauren one last look before walking away.

Rachel lighted a cigarette next to them, looking away and crossing her arms.

Lauren gave Caroline an utterly confused look. “What did he mean?”

She shrugged shortly. “I don’t know, but let’s be serious. Joe is way hotter than Darren. Ugh, but Darren has the musician thing, so I guess that beats him.” She looked at the scandalized expression on Lauren’s face. She didn’t understand the Joe hype, but then again she didn’t understand the Darren hype at first neither. “Oh, come on. I know Darren’s yours.”

“He’s not…”

 Caroline slapped her arm, “It’s starting!” She said excitingly.

The first series consisted in Rick and three guys more. Two of them were newbies that couldn’t be much better than his friend; and Darren didn’t know who the third one was, he was a small swarthy guy and might be a little older than them. Once they all were ready, and the start was only seconds away, Darren looked at Brian next to him and shook his head.

“He’s going to make a fool of himself.” He said bitterly.

To his surprise, Brian grinned. “He’s not.” He explained, “Joe saw that it was hard for him, and he told me he’s… _helping_ him. He snagged a hobnail under the mudguard of the only dangerous competitor, which is that one.” He pointed at him. It was that guy he didn’t know. “The front wheel is going to mess up a soon as he moves.”

Darren let out a sigh of relief. “That’s awesome. Good.”

Jim shot his air gun and the four bikes trundled on like if they had been shot as well. Rick was going last during the first fifteen seconds.

“Come on.” Darren whispered, his lips were tense.

The manipulated motorcycle wiggled repeatedly in its way; then its speed was lowered so quickly that the rider almost fell; and the rest of them overtook him. The guy cursed as he searched for the cause of his loss of control; he cursed again and walked out of the path with his bike.

Ten minutes later, Rick was crossing the finish line, and he threw his fist into the air as the people gathered around him. When they all congratulated them, and he approached Darren and Brian whom were a little away from everyone else, he showed off the widest smile on his face.

“I told you. It was all in your head. Good job.” Darren just said as he patted him on the back to congratulate him. “Joey will give you your pay at the end.”

“I still can’t believe it.” Rick said shaking his head.

“Yeah, neither do I.” A voice behind them added. It was the guy whose bike Joe sabotaged. Darren had a bad vibe about that since he started talking. “This is bullshit. Someone spiked my wheel. This whole thing is a fiddle.”

The pissed tone of his voice left clear he wasn’t in the mood to fuck with; but they couldn’t confess. They had to play dumb and pretend to misunderstand.

“Are you kidding me?” Darren said, turning around. Brian immediately stood one step behind Darren, and Jeff had walked from somewhere to do the same thing as soon as he noticed someone was confronting him. Jim shot his air gun again announcing the second series just started; and Joe was running in this one. But they couldn’t watch, since they had to take care of that guy. “Rick won fairly. Don’t be a dickhead, and accept it.”

Darren’s tone was merely less intimidating than his; but only because he knew he couldn’t be totally in the defensive. Not in the position he was now.

“He won his first race ever, and he’s casually your mentee? At the same time that my motorbike mysteriously disarranged? _Bullshit_.” He repeated, angrier, and giving a step forward.

Darren knew that look, it was someone disposed to fight. And even though he was petite, he could tell had muscles and if he dared to just talk back like that, alone, it meant that he had his tricks. That he had a plan.

But Rick was new, and he didn’t know that.

“Don’t talk to him like that.” He said, and he stood up next to Darren. His smile had disappeared and they could tell he wouldn’t let anybody ruined his night. “Do you have any idea who he is?”

He snorted. “Do you have any idea who _I_ am?” He gave another step towards them, dangerously close; and Darren cursed inwardly, despite he didn’t express it. “You’ve screwed me enough for tonight. You and your fag friends better stay away from me, it wasn’t you who I was talking to.”

He was referring to Jeff; they all knew it. And Darren wondered if that was truly the first time he saw that guy. He definitely knew who they were.

But it hit Rick’s breaking point; he still had the adrenaline all over his veins and the shouts from people echoing in his ears. He felt unstoppable and that’s why (and it all happened so quickly that nobody could stop him) his fist sailed across the air and wildly punched his opponent in the eye. It was all so fast and unexpected; that Darren wasn’t even sure if it happened like he remembered it.

They all couldn’t help but to gasp quietly. _What just happened?!_

He took only a second to breath, shaking his head and mildly leaning back; before attempting to fight back. But they responded on time. Darren grabbed his wrist and Brian his other arm, disabling his upper body to move.

“You don’t wanna do that.” Brian said calmly. “We’re four and you’re alone. This is our Hole, our city and our university. Let’s leave it like this.”

Brian’s warning was strange, too. Like if they knew each other. Darren made a mental note to ask him about it later.

He didn’t look satisfied at all; there was a wince of anger in his lips and his fists clasped in a sign of impotence. But he wasn’t an idiot, and he didn’t resist. He only violently shook his arms to let go off their grip, and stayed there, for a second, breathing heavily and without looking at them. Darren wasn’t sure that it was all going to stay there.

They waited in silence as the guy walked until he got lost of their sight. Darren looked at Rick with a grave expression. Then he shook his head.

“I can’t believe you just punched someone.” And he burst into laughs.

And when Rick did the same, the laughter spread among the group like the flu. It was beyond belief. If there was someone who they thought could never punch somebody, that was Rick.

“This deserves a celebration.” Jeff said, patting him on the shoulder. “I’ll buy you a drink.”

It took them a while to act like normal people again. They couldn’t explain precisely what was so funny in the situation, but they were amused. And when they walked to their icebox again, they were still giggling mildly.

“Rick just punched someone.” Darren repeated to Lauren, thrilled. “ _Rick_! This night is epic already.”

“Oh, God!” Lauren looked at his friend, who was laughing and drinking next to them as if he just won the freaking Olympics. “Is he okay?”

“A bit arrogant now, but he’s fine.”

“I mean the guy he hit.”

But Darren wasn’t listening. Rachel had walked to them, and her expression augured something bad.

“Joe just lost.” She said severely. She seemed disappointed.

“No way.”

“He’s out of training.” She shook her head dreary, and then went to congratulate Rick.

That was something new. Yes, all of them lose every once in a while, but Joe had been desiring to ride again so badly, that it was mighty unexpected.

“What about you?” Darren’s attention returned to Lauren again. He needed to get his bike from Joe, but he was afraid Lauren would leave The Hole too soon or that he wouldn’t find her again. “Will you be cheering for me?”

“Like if you need that.”

“You said you’d support me…” Darren whispered. “As a friend.”

“Okay.” She finally agreed, with a half grin. “As a friend.”

This felt like enough for the moment, and he smiled before walking to the starting line. He gave Joe a quietly _“I’m sorry, man, shit happens”;_ his friend shrugged and even quieter thanked him for the favor and disappeared from his perspective. Darren waited for the next and last race. A girl he didn’t know tried to talk with him, but he wasn’t certain about the words he replied.

Despite the uncanny trend that night was following, nothing unpredictable happened during his series. He crossed the finish line practically at the same timing, the same way and with the same pleasant sensation he did the last week.

Meanwhile, a few feet away; Brian, Jeff and Rachel were too focused on trying to get Rick drunk (Which was practically their ritual of celebration) to notice that Joe was gone and to hear the conversation between Lauren and Caroline.

“Go to congratulate him!” Caroline pushed her waist, but Lauren didn’t move. “What? Do you like him or not?” she asked, stressed.

“I don’t know.”

It was all pretty strange for her. She definitely didn’t like him at first. She thought he was nothing more than an arrogant delinquent under the famous star spectrum. But right then she couldn’t just lie and say that she didn’t enjoy spending time with him, counting the days back for Sunday; or to deny the fact that she could still remember the way her hands placed carefully on her waist, or to ignore that his cologne had become her favorite smell during the last month. She had wanted to kiss him the last time, but she stopped him because she felt uncertain and weird and scared. And she still didn’t quite understand when or how he happened to earn such an important place in her life, because it was unusual for her and because she tried to avoid this many many times. She tried to determine a moment, or a look, or a word that had changed it all, and it saddened that the memories were so blurred and that she had thought they wouldn’t be memories she wanted to remember.

She guessed that she liked him. It was such a rare feeling for her, that she couldn’t ignore when it happened. But a part of her feared, because Darren was so different and they wanted different things and she didn’t know what could result from their relationship.

She shook her head. They didn’t even kiss, and she was already overanalyzing things.

“Maybe.” She added quietly.

“Come on, Lauren, admit it! You wouldn’t come to a fucking bike race for any other guy on earth. And you smile every time he talks to you! When you don’t even… laugh….or stuff.”  Caroline pushed her waist again, this time stronger. “Go!”

She was so lost in that last reflection that she walked to him almost by impulse.

There were a few people around him; and his bike was next to him. A girl asked for his autograph, and Lauren couldn’t help but to frown. _Was she serious?_ A freaking autograph?

He signed it like if that was the most flattering thing someone could’ve done. When the girl left, giggling frenetically, Lauren touched his shoulder to make him turn back.

“I’ll pay for the dinner tomorrow.” She said with a grin. It was a good input, after all. “Congratulations.”

He smiled widely, “That’d be great. Joey will give you the money later. But now…” He hid his lips inside for a moment, and then added quieter. “Listen, I want to take you somewhere. It’s nothing weird, I promise.” He cleared; and it was impossible for her not to trust him. “Would that be okay?”

“Sure. I just gotta tell Caroline…” And as soon as she turned her head, Caroline waved goodbye from the distance. She had found Julia; and she seemed to know what it was going to happen as well. Julia mouthed something that seemed _use protection_ and Lauren chose to try not to decode that out.

“Ready?” Darren hurried her. He wanted to get out of there already.

She nodded. Darren grabbed the handlebar and leaded his bike next to him, to get out of the crowd. Lauren followed him.

“Aren’t you even the one in charge of this thing? Who’s going to take care now?”

“The guys can handle it themselves for a while.” Darren assured like if it wasn’t important.

But Lauren doubted that, having in mind how they were trying to convince Rick to drink a beer while they held him from his feet upside down.

They got in the bike once they were in an avenue away from the people. Lauren could wrap her arms around his waist with more confidence than the last time. It didn’t feel weird anymore. His body felt warm. She could feel how certain muscles tightened every now and then with some normal spasms from driving.

“Is it a long ride?” Lauren asked with a whisper.

“Meh. Ten minutes.” He replied. “Why? Are you scared?”

“Not _scared_. But I’m not a speed freak like all of you.”

“It’s me.” He said, like if this could redress it all. “You have nothing to worry about.”

She breathed deeply, “I know.”

Darren took a desolated road that wasn’t precisely lightened or comfortable. But he was right, there was nobody else around. Just the two of them. This thought strangely comforted her. So she allowed herself to feel the wind, and the fresh air, and Darren’s little spasms.

They crossed a sign that read _The Huron River_ ; and Darren wandered the contour of a wiring until a place in which a tree had fallen upon it, and the wire was so distorted you could easily pass with a jump. But when he made a turn and seemed disposed to ride directly through that narrow place, it suddenly didn’t seem so easy.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Lauren asked, half scared half pissed.

“Um, getting us inside?” Darren said calmly.

“We’re gonna crash! Stop.” She cried whilst they got dangerously close to the fallen tree. There was no way they could get inside. They were going to hit the tree. And he was even speeding up. “Darren!”

While he seemed to ignore her; she closed her eyes and grabbed his waist with such pressure she was without a doubt hurting him. So, that was it. Darren was still a psycho and wanted both of them dead.

She didn’t know how he did it; she truly couldn’t figure it out to this day. But he managed to do a dodge in which she barely felt how the bike jumped upon the tree trunk; and she barely felt how they landed on the grass inside, too. She let out a sigh of relief once they were placed on the ground again.

“Don’t you trust me?” Darren said, offended. He had lowered the speed once they were inside of the wiring, and took a footpath. There were a few lamp posts with lights, but there was no one inside. The place seemed, by simply appearance, a nature reserve.

“That was before I knew you wanted to die.”

He giggled. “I’ve done this a million times. You can stop breaking my ribs now, if you want.”

She didn’t realize she was still stabbing her nails on him, under his leather jacket. She loosened the grip, embarrassed.

“Is this even legal, by the way?”

“Define legal…” Darren made a pause. “It’s University of Michigan’s arboterum, so technically, _technically_ , we’re allowed to be here.”

“You’d always rather guide your moral with technicalities, right?”

Darren ignored this question.

He stopped the bike at the end of the path; and they got off. There was nothing but shrubbery surrounding them and a river quietly waving in front of them. The Huron River.

The smell of humid water and nature filled her lungs. The night was so calm, and if you were careful you could hear a few crickets and frogs singing distantly. Darren walked closer to the river, with his bike next to him; and she spotted a covered bridge destined for people and made of wood, like five half a mile away. She thought he’d lead her there, but he walked the other way around.

After a few minutes walking in silence they got to a route of train tracks that were suspended, like a bridge, too, across the river. It was a narrow space, but two people could walk comfortably through it. The thing was that it wasn’t meant for people to walk, and it had no fences or edges forbidding you to fall.

“Mmmm.” Lauren hesitated. She already knew his intentions. “I’m not sure about this.”

Darren looked at her. “Did I let something happen to you so far?”

“No, but…”

He smoothly intertwined his fingers with hers, and she didn’t notice that she stopped talking when he gently pulled from her hand.

Lauren took a deep breath as he leaded her through the tracks. She walked behind him, that way she wouldn’t be so close to the edges. But what helped her the most was the strong grip of Darren’s fingers. The wind was harder and colder in there; it was the first time during the night she felt a little cold. She could swear they were in the exact middle of the tracks when he stopped.

He turned around to look at her.

“So, this is it.” Darren said. “One of my discoveries. The campus is there.” He pointed towards the other side of the reserve where they had walked from. It actually wasn’t that far. She had been living for three years close to such a wonderful place, yet she’d have never had the eyes to appreciate it as he did.

“It’s very nice.” She admitted. “But I think I need to sit down.”

He nodded, “Me too.”

The wind was kind of rough, that you couldn’t help but to sway slowly from one side to another. And observing the calm water anywhere where you looked at was an amazing and unique experience, but it caused them a little of vertigo.

Lauren sat down and crossed her legs, resting her hands over her lap. Darren sat down over the tracks, looking at one side of the river. He put his legs over the rail and leaned onwards. He stretched his arm, softly touching the water with his fingers.

“Cold as fuck.” He finally said, shaking his hand to get rid of the drops of water. Lauren laughed. He was quiet for a while, and then he asked, “ So what are you doing for Christmas?”

“My mom wants me to go to a party, from one of my high school friends. So I guess I’ll have to go.” She explained, putting her hair onto her other shoulder so the wind wouldn’t provoke that it hit her face. She realized after she finished that phrase, that it came up like if her mother was forcing her to go. It’s not that she didn’t want to go. She was going to clear that up, but Darren talked earlier.

“You probably were so popular in high school.” Darren placed the palm of his hand on the ground, and leaned backwards to look at her. “All the boys wanted to go out with you, carrying your books and shit. But you only dated the head of the soccer team or something.”

“That is not true!” She complained, frowning. “Not that it concerns you, but I waited to be a senior to have a boyfriend.”

“And he was probably a dick.”

She sighed. “Pretty much. Yeah. How do you know?”

He shrugged. “Guys are inherently dicks in high school. Usually.”

“He wasn’t-” Lauren stopped herself from having that conversation. Instead, she called him quietly, “Darren.” A pause. “What happens if a train comes?”

He didn’t hesitate to answer. “We die.”

She smiled, and Darren had to bite his lip. She looked perfect that night. And seeing her under the sight of the moon made it special, too. Her hair was shining, and so were her eyes. The sweater she was wearing was sort of transparent under that light, and it allowed him to imagine the texture of her body if he dared to touch her. Her crossed legs had lifted her skirt a bit, and the way the fabric folded and the way it was tightened in that tiny space where her legs were spread was driving him insane. He had to make an effort to not stare.

This was a fiasco. He couldn’t keep pretending he wasn’t craving to kiss her every time he leaved her house, or that he didn’t desire to run his hands all over her body instead of watching a movie. There was not a day he couldn’t think about it.

He bent his knees and rested his arse over his heels; but this time he was facing her.

“I have to be honest with you, Lo.” His tone was staid, and she frowned mildly. “This _just friends_ thing is bullshit. I’ve never wanted to be just your friend, I want more. I think you knew that since the start.”

She grinned, pressing her lips together, and a dimple formed at the side of her lips.

“A part of me always knew it, I think.” She confessed. She disavowed that sensation at first; but not anymore.

“And now that I’m being honest.” Darren continued. “This whole thing was staged so I could get the chance to kiss you. Because I want to kiss you so fucking much, and I’m still waiting for a signal or something, and I feel I’ll go nuts.”

How to reply and pretend she hadn’t been thinking about that the entire night?

It was hard to keep her chill, when that conversation was leading the beat of her heart to an uncommon rhythm. “A signal like what?”

“I don’t know, like, fix your hair, or touch my hand, or say something cheesy. Something the girls in your movies do.”

“Can you stop saying nonsenses and kiss me, you fucking idiot? _How’s that_?”

“Well, that’s better.” He said, satisfied, before leaning closer.

The way his lips first stroked hers was tender and this surprised her. It was like if he was slowly asking permission. She closed her eyes, feeling the way they softly brushed hers. But it wasn’t long until his hand grabbed her neck; his fingertips shaping the curve between her jaw and ear, and he pulled her closer. His fingers were callused due all those hours scraping guitar chords, but somehow she liked that they were. This grip allowed him to deepen the kiss, and the movement of his lips started to go faster and his mouth opened more; and this was the moment where her heartbeat got crazy.

She almost didn’t notice that she was sloping her body towards him to get closer to him; but he did. It felt like he wanted to devour her with that kiss; and she liked it. He seemed so full of passion, and secrets, and tricks, and she wondered if she could learn them all in one night.

But he couldn’t kiss her the way he wanted to being so far from her. The hand that wasn’t holding her ran slowly from the end of her skirt to her knee, he put it under it and softly pulled from it. So Lauren uncrossed her legs, and he could place his knee between them, and get even closer.

He truly went for it now that he was comfortably close. His hand ran through her waist and squeezed his sweater. Lauren didn’t know if to focus her sensations on his fingers or his lips; she felt a world of overwhelming sensations. The smooth shape of his lips and the skilled manner to kiss her; the way his fingertips pressed against her clothes like if they were craving to rip them off; the smell of his cologne, and dry sweat, and beer, and she never thought that combination could ever be this pleasant. She placed one hand on his chest, where the muscles were the hardest, and the other one a little upper, in the groove of his collarbone. The kiss had gotten passionate, and she was finding it difficult to follow his rhythm. She just wanted to lie down and let him do all the work; he was such a good kisser.

Darren was breathing heavily through his nose. He pulled a little harder from her waist, bringing her closer. He wanted to know how her body against his felt. He was so tempted, actually. He wanted her too bad. He wanted to take her, right then right there. He didn’t care that they were in that place or that this was their first kiss. But he knew she did; so he did his best to control himself. He suppressed the urge to suck her neck, and to sneak his hand under her sweater, and to lift up her skirt.

He focused instead on the feeling of her lips kissing back, or the way her chest moved with her loud breath, or the bend that was forming on her waist as he firmly ran his hand through it. He wished it wasn’t Christmas time, and that it was hot, and they were wearing nothing but a shirt and pants; so it’d be easier to feel her skin.

He stopped not because he was out of breath, but because he felt her fingertips on his bare neck.

“Shit.” He whispered against her lips. Lauren opened her eyes when he cut the kiss. “You’re cold.” He said. He didn’t want to get out of there, but he didn’t want her to freeze. “Do you want to go back to The Hole?”

Lauren wanted to say that she didn’t mind the cold, if he could just keep kissing her, and leave his hands there, holding her; she wanted to, but she felt too shy to do it. So instead, she replied lowly:

“Okay.”

Darren wanted to curse out loud, but he simply put his hands away and stood up. She did the same, and they both felt that sudden emptiness from splitting up so quickly.

Darren put his hand on her hips as they passed the same dangerous route back through the trail. So casually, with such spontaneity she could never master. Once their feet touched the grass again, she stopped there for a moment. Darren didn’t move his hands; instead they held her tighter, hugging her from behind.

He couldn’t believe it; he had to make an effort to pretend he was cool. He felt like if he could dance. He had kissed Lauren, and she kissed back; and everything was awesome.

She closed her eyes, feeling the wind on her face. The waves of the river sounded lowly. And Darren’s voice had never seemed sweeter:

“Everything okay?” He asked, cradling his face on her neck.

_I’m just feeling_ , she wanted to say.

Instead, she lied. “I’m trying to gather the courage to go through that stupid tree again.”

Darren giggled shortly. And she could’ve sworn that, like the gift of destiny, time stopped only for a second, giving her time to check that he was real, and so was the happiness invading her chest.


	9. Merry Christmas...Not

**Chapter 9: Merry Christmas…Not**

_“I have to pack my stuff…”,_ Lauren typed quickly with her thumb.

She hesitated a moment before sending that message, but she did it afterwards. Then she left her cellphone on the table, and put another pile of clothes inside of her bag. She knew it was out of mind to carry such a huge luggage for just one week; but she felt she needed it. Her mom’s house barely felt like home for her. Her room used to hold a lot of memories and provoked a sensation of security in her; but at some point during her young years this changed and she missed that feeling.

Caroline was doing the same, at the other side of the table. They’d be leaving the campus the next day at morning, Caroline would go to Detroit and Lauren wouldn’t even need to leave Ann Arbor.

Lauren walked to her dorm to bring a pair of shoes for the Christmas’ party; and she already started to struggle trying to fit them in. Her cellphone rang shortly twice.

_“It’s the least you can do before abandoning me the entire week.”_

Lauren felt a little bad for a moment. When she asked Darren what he was going to do those Holidays, he just said that he’d hang out with the gang. It was already clear for her that his relationship with his parents was frail so it wasn’t a surprise he wouldn’t fly to Los Angeles; and she felt guilty for complaining about the odd ways her mom had to spend time with her. She should be more grateful.

Another text followed that statement.

_“That sounded needy. Pretend I just said something like, see you tonight.”_

She didn’t notice the small grin sketched on her lips, or the way her cheeks turned pink; until she looked up and saw Caroline’s judgmental stare with her eyebrows up.

“What?” She snapped quickly, hiding her embarrassment from such a piddling, teenager attitude.

Her friend rolled her eyes.

“I just want to know if I should go to study to Nick’s the entire night or not. Which seems impossible to figure out, since you’re not telling me anything about last night!” Caroline replied, offended; while she folded her clothes.

“You definitely _don’t_ need to stay there the entire night.” She said seriously. “In fact, you don’t need to leave at all. That’s just a mania of yours.”

She wasn’t being totally honest. Despite what happened last night leaved them without knowing where they stood; she knew there was a high chance Darren would come over to her house with second intentions. She wanted him to (her stomach got all rowdy with the only thought of it); but everything was so unclear and strange yet that she couldn’t explain it, to Caroline nor to anyone else. So she preferred to avoid that talk as long as she could; and when she arrived into the house and Caroline jumped from the bed to ask what happened, she commented how tired she was before going to sleep.

“I’m supposed to just watch you two making out?” Caroline’s voice was loud, but Lauren couldn’t answer. The girl had grabbed her clothes and bag and walked to her bedroom to keep doing her bag alone.

Lauren felt strange for a moment, but she kept packing too, in the deep silence of the room.

Caroline left only ten minutes before Darren got there. Lauren didn’t attempt to stop her, they didn’t direct a word to each other since that morning’s incident.

“After this, I only have one movie left in my must-watch list.” She informed him, after putting the film Sabrina in the DVD player. “If I didn’t help you to develop a fine standard by then, I let God to help you.”

“That means I’ll soon run out of excuses to come to visit you… Shit.” He joked, while she walked to the couch.

He grinned mildly observing that she chose to sit close to him this time. He stretched his arms at the top of the couch, knowing that this way when she rested her back he could wrap her arm around her easily.

“I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” Lauren said playfully. “It’s starting.” She added, looking at the screen.

His concentration couldn’t last longer than fifteen minutes. By the scene where Audrey Hepburn hid under the car, Darren was staring more at Lauren’s expression than to the screen. She tried to ignore it for a while, but it freaked her out.

“Ahem.” She cleared her throat, turning her head to him; but he pretended to had been watching the movie all along.

Ten seconds later, he did the same thing again.

“Darren!” Lauren called, half upset but half amused. “You’re missing the movie.”

“I swear I have one hundred percent of my attention in the film.” He said, but the small smirk on his face gave him away. “Although… we could just miss the movie and…”

He leaned closer and placed a soft kiss on the corner of her lips; and she shook her head, grinning.

“The movie.” She just said lowly.

He didn’t insist. He limited himself to bite his lip and carelessly brush her shoulder with his fingertips every once in a while. He waited patiently until the credits at the end of the film.

And when that happened, he looked at her with a raised eyebrow and that image was so hilarious that Lauren couldn’t help but to giggle.

“So?” His eyes were shining when he looked at her, like if he was extremely excited. “Can we _not_ pay attention now?”

She could only grin; closing her eyes when she sensed his face was moving closer. The soft stroke of his lips against hers felt in slow motion for a while. Now they were completely sober, so they were aware of every sensation that could’ve gone unnoticed last night. The tip of his nose hit the side of hers as he tilted his head, and his hand moved to her neck to deepen the kiss.

Her perfume smelled like vanilla and he sensed it emerged from her neck; listing in his mind to check if the smell was stronger there. He felt her short, blonde hair falling over the fingers holding his neck. His breath got heavier as her hands ran from his abdomen to his back, running her fingers through his ribs. Darren thought for a moment if it would be okay to ask her to do that again. He wanted to feel her hands moving on him, even if the day was cold and he had a thick sweatshirt and her hands weren’t really warm. He wanted to feel them under his sweatshirt, skin to skin, too. But he didn’t want to go too fast and say something she wasn’t ready to hear; so he tried to put that strong desire aside.

He grabbed her leg, close to her thigh, and pulled from it trying to get her attention; but she was so lost in the kiss that she didn’t notice. So he cut the kiss, only enough to whisper lowly:

“Lie down.”

Darren was sure for a second that she was going to punch him in the face and kick him out; but she obeyed and pulled from his back to make him kiss her again.

He held her by the waist to make sure she’d land peacefully. Her head rested on the arm of the couch, and he grinned slightly because it was the perfect height.

Daren rested his weight on his elbows, at the sides of her body, while he continued making out with her. The image and sensations that Darren on top of her provoked her were enough to write a book about. It was kinda intimidating, because from there she could admire the way his wide shoulders moved and tightened, and the curve of his Adam apple. But it was sexy, and she wanted him to lean downer and to feel his weight on her.

He felt the strong squeeze of her fingers on his hair; and that was his cue. He wasn’t the only one craving so much to go further than this. She wanted him, too.

Her lips trembled a bit when he stopped kissing her, anxious and wanting more. But before she could grumble, he placed a kiss on one of the sides of her jaw, and he draw an imaginary path downer, through her neck. He sucked it slowly, like if he tried to decode the geography of the placement of the pores all over her skin. She closed her eyes again, this time tighter, pressing her head back and outlining more the curve of her neck. It was the first time she felt Darren’s tongue occasionally running through her skin.

He could feel so clearly how her chest moved up and down with her breath; her loose sweater had a low cleavage and her breasts were slowly showing up as she breathed deeper. He realized she might was not wearing a bra. And he wondered if she’d let him lower his pelvis just a bit and grind against her; and the only thought of it turned him on so much that he bit her skin almost without noticing. She didn’t moan, but she let out a breath so hard and impotent that it was heard in the entire room; like if she wanted to say something but her words collided against the inside of her lips.

When his mouth reached her neck bones, her cleavage had slipped down to a significant amount. Lauren’s fingers were still squeezing the dark curls on the back of his head. And he wanted to take off his sweatshirt because everything had gotten suddenly so hot, but he feared to do something- anything wrong, and that he’d screw it up.

And he didn’t do anything wrong, not really. It was just bad luck.

Lauren gasped loudly when a sudden ramble interrupted them. It was nothing but the door opening, but the moment had gotten very intense that the interval was unexpectedly scary, and they couldn’t –neither they had time to pretend they were doing something else.

Caroline cursed something quietly, and then said as she crossed quickly (almost running) the room on the way to her bedroom.

“Please, ignore that I’m here. I’m not here. I was never here.”

Darren laughed largely, without moving. It would’ve been useless to sit up and pretend nothing happened. Lauren, otherwise, slipped down the couch so she wouldn’t have to look at her roommate; and then hid her face under his shoulder. The embarrassment was too much for her.

Caroline’s door closed loudly, but Darren wouldn’t stop laughing, this time at Lauren’s reaction.

“That just didn’t happen…” She whispered, although she had to admit it was kind of funny.

Only then he sat up, still giggling. Despite Caroline was in her room, the environment just vanished. He helped her to sit up; and she shook her head, amused. They couldn’t keep doing that.

“We can go to my place, the next time.” He suggested, playfully running his fingers through her leg, over her jeans, and reaching her hipbones. “The guys hang out there all the time, but I can always kick them out, so it’s okay.”

Lauren felt something in her chest prodding shortly. She knew what his invitation implied. And she wanted to, but she didn’t want to rush things so much. It was also clear that intimacy didn’t mean the same for him as it did for her. She didn’t allow herself to freak out, though.

“Maybe, some other day.” She cleared, but then she remembered she’d be spending the next days at her mother’s house, losing contact with anyone from the university.

“And you can call me one of these days, if your mother gives you permission.” He messed with her, remembering how cold she seemed that night in the hospital.

Lauren blushed a bit, “She knows I’m a big girl, if that’s what you’re talking about.” She snapped, although it wasn’t completely true. The woman would lose her mind if she knew Lauren was hanging out with someone like Darren. She could never confess that to her.

“I know.” He replied seriously. “I’m just messing with you.”

She wanted to say that she’d miss him, but she didn’t express it. They had only spent one day together, and the fact that she would miss talking to him could be misunderstood. So they only shared one last short kiss before he took off.

Lauren and Caroline came to terms when the red-haired girl walked to the kitchen and commented a casual _“Nice hickey”_ and Lauren went _“Wait, what?”;_ and they laughed for a while. And she knew that after Caroline had interrupted such scene, keeping so many secrets to herself would be silly. So they had dinner in Lauren’s bed, and she confessed how much she was starting to like Darren, and how his kisses were, and how his touch felt, and how nervous she felt when he invited her to his place. Caroline then made an inappropriate joke, and Lauren pretended to be scandalized at this, before she told her to go to sleep.

 

~

 

Jingle Bell Rock sounded in the distance, along with the sound of plates and cutlery being placed in the kitchen by the catering. There was a moderate, regular babbling everywhere. The dinner had been delicious, everyone were entertained and chatty. Grace’s parents made a great job. Well, the catering mostly did.

Grace’s parents’ house was enormous. It was the mansion anyone would dream of when they were little. And the night was perfectly calm. She wanted to go outside, but it was cold and her coat was in the closet upstairs. The garden was huge, and there was a pool and a few tables to just sit and chat. There was a lofty Christmas tree in the center, rising in its entire majesty. She really wanted to go there. But her friends didn’t want to, so she gave it up quickly.

Mary, Hilary and Grace, her high school friends, were updating her with their successful, exciting lives in college. Yale, New York University, and Brown, respectively. She wanted to share something too, since the last semester had been so interesting, educationally and for other reasons too; but it seemed that Michigan was just so old and boring to them that her stories were quickly left behind.

Then her mother interrupted the conversation and told her to follow her to the living room. Hilary continued quickly with the story of the new fraternity she joined.

“I want you to meet Michael Perkins.” Kate, Lauren’s mom, explained.

Lauren was struggling to keep balance while following her. Between the needle heels of her shoes, and the tightness of her red dress, it was difficult not to fall.

“Um, and he is…?” The name sounded familiar, but she couldn’t remember.

“I’m working on his case. I’ve told you a million of times before.” She stressed. It was true, although she probably didn’t mind enough to hear what that case was about. “He’s from New York, but he’s spending the Holidays in here. And his father is a great man; they’re from a great circle. He could introduce you to someone.”

She knew what that meant. New circle meant good status, and knowing someone equaled getting a boyfriend. Lauren could never just admit that there was a wooer for that place already, so she replied something else.

“Um, I’m not sure, mom. New York…. Remember?”

“Someone else, Lauren, obviously…” Her mom snapped, upset by her poor excuses.

Their dialogue was cut quickly when Kate stopped walking and Lauren imitated her. The aforementioned was standing up near the bar; and he was holding an almost empty cup of wine in his hands. He was kind of pale, and a light blond hair fell over his forehead as a fringe. There was a subtle grimace on his thin lips, and the fact that he was wearing a suit just completed the image of a type of guy she felt familiar with.

“Hey, nice to meet you, I’m Lauren.” She said as she shook his hand.

His face seemed to light up with his instant smile.

“The pleasure is mine.” His voice was deep, a lot rougher than what she expected it to be.

“Lauren’s a student in the University of Michigan.” Her mom cut in quickly. “Although she aspires to keep studying after she graduates next year.”

Lauren nodded, despite there was not a true phrase in that sentence.

“That’s great. For now, we’re not so far from each other.” He said and then finished the wine in his cup.

“You two should meet sometime. Lauren loves New York, it wouldn’t be a problem for her to travel a weekend or something.” Her mom added, pushing slightly her back so she’d give a step closer to him.

Was she going to be consulted about anything, ever?

“Sure. Give her my number, and she can call me whenever she wants.” The guy said nicely. Lauren forced a grin. “I’m going for more wine. Do you want some?”

“Okay, sure.” Lauren shrugged. Maybe wine would make everyone seem more interesting.

Michael went for the wine, her mom leaved them with a smile that put Lauren under pressure; and she worked it into fifteen minutes more of conversation. It wasn’t easy, but they later found out they had in common a peculiar taste for Albert Camus’ books, and they exchanged a few entertaining opinions. When they finally started to think they could get along, noisiness impossible to ignore break forth from the next room.

“Excuse me.” She said to Michael, walking away to see what the hell was happening.

She couldn’t hide her surprise when she walked in the dining room and saw Mary completely wet from head to toes, sitting down at the couch and shaking. There was an obvious exaltation and uproar in the room, people were talking loudly and with commotion, and they were walking furiously from one side of the room to another. People were entering through the garden door from outside.

“What the…?”

The answer didn’t make her wait.

“Can you believe it!” Grace said, close to tears because her party was falling into pieces. “A gang of culprits broke in! One of them said he was Sharon’s brother, and my mom believed them, how stupid. I’m so mad!”

“What do you mean?” Lauren asked, confused. Why would they want to enter to their party?

“They just wanted to ruin our Christmas, Lauren!” Her friend cried out, whilst her feet repeatedly kicked the floor. “One of them pushed Mary to the pool! They’re such a bunch of savages!”

That explained the mess that was left in the house. One of the tables was upside down, and the food sparse all over the floor.

Someone had handed Mary a towel, and despite she was still shaking, she laughed. And Lauren was even more confused.

“They seem fun, though.” Mary commented lowly, but nobody heard her.

“They stole a bunch of our drinks! They’re outside now, and I think they were trying to tear our Christmas tree down. But my mom called the police, so they’ll pay it tonight.” That was the only thing that seemed to comfort her a bit. She crossed her arms, holding her crying. “If they ruin the tree, I will be so upset…”

“Oh, not the tree.” Lauren commented, mainly just so she’d have something to say. Although she had to admit it’d be a nice spectacle to observe.

So she only walked to the back door to check if she could watch the wild scene from inside of the house.

And she wouldn’t have expected to see that, not even in a million years.

The shock was so unexpected that she felt she’d fall. Or throw up. Or faint. All of it at the same time.

“Lauren, what are you doing?” Grace yelled, startled, from her place, as her friend walked out of the house.

Lauren felt her state was struggling between confused and angry. The anger was growing fast inside of her; so it wouldn’t be a tie for much longer. She almost didn’t notice how cold it was outside and that her arms and legs were uncovered. So her steps were fast, and loud, while she walked to a figure near the garden table.

“Brian?” She almost spat, disgusted. And shocked. And angry. “What the fuck?”

“Lauren, hey! What a nice surprise.” Brian replied casually, as he turned back and noted her presence. He had a pile of cellphones in his hands, and Jeff was next to him trying to grab as many bottles of wine he could from the table. “Merry Christmas!” He added joyfully.

“What the fuck are you all doing here?” She was still so astonished that her voice came up too loud and kind of hoarse. “This is my friend’s house. That’s my friend’s liquor. That’s my friend’s cellphone!” She pointed at the pink device in the top of the pile.

She’d definitely faint.

“Oh, it’s nothing personal.” He replied casually, like if he just stepped on someone’s foot and felt kinda bad about it. “Tell her it’s a great party. I had fun.”

“Well, I’m glad! Because the police is coming!” This time it was a shout without a doubt.

“Shit.” Brian cursed, his expression turned from relaxed to concerned in a matter of seconds. He walked a few steps away. “Darren!”

Darren was there? It was just getting better and better. She looked behind, to the door a few feet away, and she couldn’t handle Grace’s judgmental look for a long time. What was she going to tell when they asked her how she knew those party crushers? She walked further away from the door, through that enormous garden, just so she wouldn’t feel their gaze on her.

She confirmed everyone from Darren’s group were there, making a mess. Even that girl Rachel; she was now trying to climb one of the walls of the garden to go outside, with Joe’s help. Then Darren walked from behind the tree (Grace was right, they were trying to take it down), and the fact that he actually looked glad to see her just made her realize how different they were.

The first thing he thought when he saw her wasn’t regarding the place, or even the surprise. When Jeff commented that there was a preppies party near that they could crash (It wasn’t any new hobby); he had considered that Lauren could be there, and he kind of hoped it, because she could go with them afterwards. However, he just thought about how different she looked and how much it shocked him that he liked it.

When he saw her at the Halloween party and in Michigan’s Hole, he thought she was a babe. She was pretty, and her body was attractive too. But seeing her there was from a completely different universe. She was wearing a burning red dress wrapping tightly around her figure; it finished a few inches above her knees, and the plunging neckline finishing under her breast was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. Despite it, she just looked too different. Her hair was pulled into a neat bun with a silver barrette at the top, and the shade of her lipstick was dark Bordeaux. She seemed more mature, and older. He had thought he wouldn’t like to see her dressed like that, because of his hatred towards everything that could tie her to the upper class. He confirmed that she fit so well in there, indeed; but he found impossible to not find her absolutely gorgeous. She looked like a movie star from the sixties, all set to break hearts and take pictures. It was all so magnificent that he just couldn’t act clever enough to decrypt her body language.

So he walked directly to her, planting a hard kiss on her lips. He felt so ablaze that he didn’t realize she had slightly pushed him to stop the kiss.

“Hey, you gotta come with us.” He said with a grin. “We’re going to Brian’s place, and we got a shit load of drinks now. It’s gonna be great. You gotta come.” He insisted, pulling gently from her waist.

“Have you lost your mind?!” Lauren couldn’t begin to understand how they could act so calmed. “You guys break into my friend’s house, steal her stuff and ruin her party, and expect _me_ to be okay with it?”

Darren frowned, shaking his head, like if he couldn’t perceive what was so wrong with that.

“Did you see this house? These people can replace all of this, and their pockets wouldn’t hurt a bit, trust me.” He pulled from her waist again, that talk wasn’t something he was waiting for. And least in public, and least in Christmas. “Don’t be upset.”

“That is not even the point…”

“Oh, God.” An amused voice interrupted their fight. “This is the best surprise ever! I can’t believe it.”

It was Michael. He was the only one that had dared to walk outside of the house, but he had gone directly to them, and he talked loudly from his place a few feet away; it became obvious that his purpose was they heard him. He looked not only entertained but like if he was having the time of his life. Lauren was going to tell him to get the fuck out, but the way Darren had dropped her waist and the manner his expression turned strange as he saw him was very confusing. She could’ve sworn he turned pale within a moment.

“ _You’re_ Kate’s daughter’s boyfriend? This is just too good!” He continued his speech, joyful.

Lauren was going to clear up that he wasn’t her boyfriend, but Darren was quicker.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Perkins?”

Darren’s voice had never sounded that challenging.

“Do you two know each other?” Lauren asked him, thinking she couldn’t handle another surprise for that night.

“Do _you two_ know each other?” Darren asked directly to her. He was serious. She had never seen him so serious.

“You’ll be surprised, mate.” Michael continued.

Darren looked utterly mad. But in the way that he seemed to be trying so hard to contain his anger. His hands had clang into a fist, his breath was heavy and loud, and his silence turned out kind of terrifying.

Joe walked from the other side of the garden as soon as he saw that scene. He seemed to know the guy as well, but he merely stayed there, standing up with his hands in his pockets, a step behind Darren; but completely aware of the situation. Lauren was so confused.

“Actually, I’m basically paying for your girl’s tuition… Life’s such a twist, right, bro?”

“Don’t call me that.” Darren said severely. “And leave her alone. She’s not a part of this.”

Lauren felt she needed to sit down or her legs would fail her.

The guy snorted a laugh, like if he thought Darren was an entertaining toddler who didn’t represent a threat for him.

“I don’t think you’re in the position to give orders to me.” His voice was calmer, and more staid too. “Not yet, at least.” He made a pause, like if he remembered that he was playing the funny guy. “I heard about the big reopening of Michigan’s Hole, though. Such a shame I couldn’t be there, but I sent one of my guys. And you can be sure I’ll be there the next time.” The attempt of his grimace turned out as a macabre laugh while he said the last phrase.

“Stay the fuck out of my zone and my people, or I swear I’ll...”

“You’ll what?” Michael extended his arm at the sides of his body, like if he was waiting for him to punch him or something.

And Darren seemed certainly about to do it.

Lauren gasped when she noticed his body plunging against the blonde, who didn’t even try to protect himself.

“Darren, no!” Joe’s voice was harsh. It was certainly a call to earth. He had put his arm around Darren, firmly and kind of violently, forbidding him to move. His friend shook a bit at first, struggling to get Joe off. “Don’t give him a reason to bring you down.”

Darren stopped moving; and Joe let him go, walking to Michael. He whispered something with a harsh tone that they couldn’t hear, but it was more than a truism that it was a warning. The guy shook his head and walked away.

And Lauren had so many questions in her mind; but before she could choose which one to ask first, the sound of a police siren sounded in the distance. It was true that Grace’s parents had called the police. It was like if an earth quake was announced. Rachel, Rick and Jeff were the first ones to jump the wall of the garden, carrying plastic bags, probably with all the stuff they stole. Darren had already walked away from her, and was talking to Brian like if they were debating a life risking situation.

After a moment, Brian split up from him, and Darren called:

“Lauren!”

She was so upset. The rage had been building so strongly in her inside that she got there in a few seconds.

“You’re insane!” She shouted shamelessly. And he even dared to call her? “After all the absurdities you’ve done tonight, do you really expect me to want to leave with you?”

But Darren ignored her huff.

“Where do you know him from?” His voice sounded deep, and his face was straight serious. And the siren sounded dangerously closer, but he didn’t hurry.

“What?” Lauren was so fed up with her own madness that she couldn’t follow him.

“Where do you know him from?” He asked again, with the same gravity.

“My mom works for him, he’s her client. Why?”

Darren seemed to be so out of breath for a moment that it was disturbing. Like if his brain was a gear that was placing its pieces into place.

“Your mom _what_?”

“She’s a lawyer, she works for him!” She explained, exasperated. Was no one going to explain that mess to her? “What is the big deal?”

Darren ran a hand through his face, taking a deep breath. Then he looked at her while he replied, and she never thought such little words could change so much.

“The deal is, Lauren, that your mom is trying to put me in jail.”

Brian called his name from up the wall, and Darren couldn’t keep ignoring him since his concerns were well-founded. He turned around and ran to catch his friends, and he only looked at her from the top of the wall, and he was so far away that she couldn’t unravel his expression.

And she could only stand there for so long that she couldn’t keep count; speechless, motionless, while his words kept fading in her head. And when a police man shook her shoulder, trying to get an answer, she could only stretch her hand and point to the horizon, to the opposite point where Darren’s bike sound dissipated.

 


	10. The perfect target

**Chapter 10: The perfect target**

Darren had managed to somehow keep the lunch in his stomach so far, and that’s mostly what convinced him that the hangover wasn’t as bad as he thought. Yes, he still felt kinda dizzy like if he was in a boat and his throat ached like hell, but he had it worse in the past.

So he rejected the beer that Jim offered for obvious reasons, only thinking about that thick liquid put his stomach upside down. He finished his bottle of fresh water and had a cold shower, like it was the tradition in every hangover he had to survive; and he continued his conversation with Rick for a while, but when his phone vibrated it was impossible for him to keep his focus on anything else.

_“Can we tak?”_

He’d lie if someone asked him about it, but that text put him to an unknown level of anxiety. Last night, the mess of different feelings increased inside of him as he walked away from that party, finding comfort only in the bottom of the sixth bottle. It had been too much to deal with at once: Perkins was back, and he knew Lauren, and he showed too much confidence to ignore, and he claimed to be showing up at The Hole soon. And Lauren knew it all and it was obvious she wanted answers. He thought he wouldn’t have to handle that situation in any near future, and least now that Lauren was finally starting to trust him.

Any sane person could realize that Lauren wanted to remain in her status, and world, and out of problematic events. But there was something that tickled him about her; that she was different, that she wouldn’t be any other judgmental snob that would give him away, he still believed it despite she had stated clearly before how she wouldn’t put up with any kind of delinquency issue. Confessing everything to her was extremely dangerous for both, and it wasn’t something he planned at any point, and he knew that anyone in that same room he was would tell him that it could be nothing but a terrible idea.

But why did he still feel so disposed to confess everything to her, without missing any little detail? He didn’t plot in any moment to trust her that much, or to have that strange certainty that she’d believe his version of the story. They didn’t even know each other that much or for that long.

But damn, it was so easy talking to her.

He sent the text without going through any more thinking. The subject kept going on circles.

_“Come over to my place.”_

Rick realized that he wasn’t paying attention, but he pretended he didn’t.

Darren held his breath while he waited for an answer. Was that too harsh?

_“Give me fifteen minutes.”_

He let out a quiet sigh.

He patted Rick’s back to excuse himself for leaving in the middle of the chat, as he stood up. The fact that Lauren said that she’d be there soon didn’t sort it out. Everything could still end disastrously. And he still looked like shit.

He thought that some fresh air could mend a bit his aspect, so he walked to the balcony of his apartment. But it was a terrible idea. It didn’t take him long to notice that Joe and Devin were passionately making out against the cement railing, although they split out when they heard the glass door opening. Darren didn’t even remember they were there, so he just muttered what it should’ve been an apology, but it was more of a curse, as he walked back his steps inside again.

He felt way too anxious for the talk he had ahead, and too tired from the hangover that he didn’t have the energy to feel jealous or angry about the landscape he just saw.

The conclusion that he couldn’t talk there with Lauren hit him only then, too; since he noticed that _everyone_ were there. How it come that everyone were always in his apartment?

Darren didn’t truly think it all through when someone called from the door, and he opened and saw her standing up in the other side. But that was an instant relief though, she didn’t look pissed at all. She looked _concerned_ , and this only fed his theory that she’d understand.

“Hey.” She sounded pretty shy, too. And this wasn’t common in her.

“Hey, please come in for a minute.” He asked, while he stepped out of the way.

It was a little weird and uncomfortable after what happened last night, like if they contradicted the noise and chat coming from everyone else inside of the apartment.

Darren closed the door behind her, and then walked to Brian, who was supposedly playing a card game at the table, completely alone. He rested his elbows on the table, leaning close to him to get his attention, which wasn’t an easy job having in mind the state of his friend.

“Brian, I need the keys of your apartment. Lauren and I will be there for a few minutes.”

Lauren sat on a chair on the opposite side of the table, from where she could clearly observe the situation.

Brian’s voice came out twice louder than what the situation warranted. “So, tonight is the night, am I right?!”

“No. Give me your keys.” Darren tried to cut the situation approaching.

But it was too late, Brian had stood up and was walking to the kitchen to get another drink.

“It was about time, if I’m honest!” He sang loudly, and then made a sexual gesture with his pelvis that couldn’t be more explicit.

Darren looked at Lauren. “Please ignore him. He’s drunk.”

“He’s not so different from the sober Brian I know.” Lauren said, but she shared a short complicit grin with Darren.

“Well, he’s been drunk since last night.”

“God, is that normal?” She asked, surprised. But then she added quickly, “And you?”

But Rachel was nimblest, and her answer intruded quickly in the conversation.

“I think he’d have drunk the toilet water if we didn’t stop him.” She said, smiling, placing a hand on Darren’s shoulder. “You should’ve seen him. I don’t think you know the real Darren until you see him drunk in all his magnificence.” Then she pushed his shoulder, laughing and walking away; leaving the conversation as quickly as she joined it.

“Um, yeah, I ended up kinda wasted. But I’m fine now. Brian, the keys?” The change of subject was abrupt.

The third time was the victorious one, and Brian gave up his keys. Then he mumbled a comment or a joke that they couldn’t understand, and Darren just laughed as he grabbed Lauren’s hand.

Brian’s apartment was small. Darren’s was a mansion in comparison. It consisted in two rooms, the bathroom and the kitchen/bedroom. And it was messy and pretty much chaotic. There were clothes and notes all over the floor, a dirty dish on the bedside table; but at least the bed was neat.

Lauren sat on the head of the bed. The smell of cologne was strong, like if it had been spread all over to hide any other smell. Darren sighed deeply once he closed the door, like if he was walking directly to his death sentence. It seemed he couldn’t even sit down, so he stood there, at the feet of the bed, looking at her.

“I really don’t know where to start.”

Lauren crossed a leg under the other, trying to get more comfortable, which was hard in that situation.

“What if you explain to me what the hell was last night about? All of it.”

Darren ran a hand through his hair, like if she couldn’t have done a question more difficult than that.

She sighed, too. “Please, sit down.” She said, exasperated. Seeing him standing up was making it all worse. “Just talk to me.”

And he wanted to, there was even a part of him that was craving to let it all out, but it was so hard.

He sat down, and his voice was harsh and serious. “You can’t tell this to anyone, Lauren. Anyone. Not even Caroline. It’s risky for both you and me.”

“Darren, you’re scaring me.” She frowned, starting to doubt whether she wanted to know the truth or not.

“I’m serious.”

If she wasn’t ready for it, then the best would be that she just went to her mom’s house again and they spent the rest of the year pretending they had never known each other.

There was a moment of silence.

“I promise.” She finally said. “What’s going on?”

Darren took another deep breath; but this time, he started talking, clearly and loud enough.

“It started on freshman year.” Darren started explaining; his voice calmer. “Remember that I told you about those road trips in the bike that I’ve always enjoyed? Well, we used to do that all together before. Joe, Rachel, Jeff, Brian, Jim. Some other guys that graduated last year. We usually went to New York because Jeff had a few friends there, and we became very close to this group of guys from New York University. And there was this guy. Perkins.”

“Michael?” Lauren couldn’t just get used to call people by their last name, and it seemed nothing familiar that way.

“That guy.” He nodded, but the way his voice became deeper made her know the only mention of that name wasn’t desirable. “His brother had a club on the upper west side. A great club, very popular and it was a huge building. We always hang out there. He gave us free entry and we just talked, and drank, and had fun. We thought there couldn’t be anything too weird going on there. He offered to give us weed we could sell in here, and we accepted it because it was only weed, nothing else.”

“Oh, I heard about that… I didn’t know it was you all.” Lauren said, although her eyes didn’t match the surprise. She remembered very well when Caroline announced excited that they could try and smoke it, and became very disappointed when Lauren repeatedly rejected her offer.

“It really wasn’t a big deal. But the University found out. Someone snitched us, I guess. The headmaster called us, and said that despite it wasn’t _huge_ , it could get huge if the sensationalist media found out, and they didn’t want to get involved with that. So they wanted to nip it from the bud. But they asked for the people directly responsible of it. We didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t be _that_ person; and Perkins had treated us like royalty so far. So… Rachel lied and took full responsibility of everything, and they cut the mess there but they had to expel her. She knew what the consequences were, but she did it anyways.” His words let her know that he deeply admired that girl. Lauren had realized before, but it was only then that she knew the reason. “After that…Everyone stopped going to New York and to hang out with that guy. Everyone but me.”

Lauren raised her eyebrows, surprised. “Why?”

He shrugged. He looked upset with the memory, “It was due the road trip, mostly. I guess I just wanted a reason to keep going to New York every weekend. I wanted somebody to hang out with, and he gave me free alcohol; and if that meant I had to kept selling a bit of weed every once in a while, I could deal with it. I thought so.”

He avoided Lauren’s gaze every once in a while, like if that confession just made him feel too embarrassed and he couldn’t look at her eyes. She wanted to say something, like that she had made mistakes too, but she decided to let him do it his way.

“There was this night, when I got lost upstairs where we always were hanging out, and I was looking for a bathroom, or something, and I got to the third floor. We knew that nobody was allowed to be there, but we never questioned why. And then I understood everything.” He made a pause, like if he was trying to gather the courage to resurrect such an awful memory. His thumb kept running through his index finger, carelessly, like trying to distract the stress.  “It was a whorehouse. I saw it. He was involved in weird stuff. Serious weird stuff. I’d have never guessed. None of us did; he just never gave us that impression. He seemed like the kind of person who… Anyway, he wasn’t.” He interrupted his dialogue, knowing he could go on for hours through similar conversations. “It wasn’t a game. There were… young girls there.”

Lauren felt a pinch in her chest just to imagine that situation, and to know that she had talked with that person as if.

“That’s disgusting. I can’t believe it.” She finally snapped, shifting on her place. She was starting to feel uncomfortable. But she knew that now that he started and he was in that place of mind, involving memories and emotions that she was privileged to hear, he had to keep going.

So that’s why he looked so affected by the conversation. But he continued calmly, although she noted how he was controlling himself.

“I think Michael knew since the moment he saw my face that I wouldn’t put up with that shit. He knew I’d tell the police. He just knew it.” He wet his lips before continuing. That was one of the memories that felt so vivid, like if they had engraved in his brain. “It was like if he was a different person when he saw I was there. He and his brother pushed me against the wall, and they… well, they threatened me. They said that if I tried to tell, they’d drag me down. I was their perfect target. There were pictures of me in that club, it was suspicious that I drove there every weekend, and people from the university could tell that I was involved in illegal circles. I came back to Michigan scared to my bones, and I didn’t go to New York in weeks. And then, it happened. It all came to the light, and the club was shut down; I read it on the papers. It wasn’t me, I didn’t tell. I should’ve, though.” He looked genuinely angry with himself for it. For that more than for anything else. “But everything indicated it had been me.”

“They can’t just blame you for the whole thing.” Lauren had tried to not interrupt during that explanation, but she couldn’t help it anymore. “You sold weed, big deal, everyone does it; you weren’t a procurer. It’s ridiculous.”

“We’re talking about one of the most influent families in that city. You know how this works, Lauren. Or are all of your mom’s customers honest and innocent people?”

She had to bite her tongue this time. He was absolutely right.

“So what did you do?”

“At that time, I had a close relationship with my parents. They covered me. The case was hidden in the bottom of the police’s registry, although it can come out if my name pops up at a station, or if Michael decides to push it to trial. But that wasn’t likely to happen back then; since my parents made a deal. But in order for that plan to work, I had to leave, far. And Michigan wasn’t away enough.”

“So you went to Los Angeles.” Lauren said. Finally, every little piece seemed to start fitting, like if she was assembling a puzzle.

“I went to Los Angeles.” Darren confirmed, nodding his head.

His mysterious return, his determination on convincing her not to go to the police, the way he talked about police, and money, and moral; it all made sense now.

“But the music contract…”

“It was a coincidence. Thank God it happened then. Everyone thought that was the reason I leaved, and I let them believe it.” He explained. “But then things went down with my parents. So I came back. And now, I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know if I’m still under my parent’s protection, or if Perkins is trying to take me down, through the law or through my new business.”

“I can find out what he has in hands.” Lauren suggested, remembering how many times her mom had talked to her about it and she ignored it.

But Darren looked at her with a serious face, like if she couldn’t have said something that horrifying.

“Lauren, you need to stay away from him. It’s important that you understand this. He’s not what he seems.”

“He can’t do anything to me.” She assured, but his response was too fast to be out of nothing.

“He can, and he will, if he needs to. He doesn’t care that you’re just dating me or that your mom’s his lawyer. Promise me you’ll be careful.”

The way his eyes looked for hers seemed just as powerful as the tone of his voice. Despite she couldn’t get to understand perfectly what it was all that about, Darren knew what he was talking about more than her, and she knew she should listen.

“I promise.” She finally said.

He let out a sigh, looking down, frustrated. “Now that I’ve seen him there, and to know your mom is on his side, it’s just… I’m worried.”

“But I’m on _your_ side.” She replied firmly, and her hand looked for his, holding it strongly.

The concern on his face vanished a bit, as he squeezed her hand back.

“I know.” He said quietly, placing a hand on her jaw and giving her a soft, slow kiss. She kissed back like a reflex. He moved away only the fair amount to talk, gently pressing his forehead against hers, and his whisper draw an unavoidable grin on her lips. “Thank you for listening.”

She moved her face a bit, placing a delicate kiss on the corner of his lips.

“Thank you for telling me.”

His thumb caressed the line of her jaw, while he breathed deeply. The room was entirely silent, and he kept holding Lauren’s fingers with his other hand.

“Can we go back to your place?” She asked quietly. Not that she didn’t want to be alone with him for any longer, but she felt uncomfortable in Brian’s apartment and she wanted to leave as soon as possible. “This place kinda freaks me out.”

Darren giggled, standing up and pulling from her hand. “Sure. But listen, changing the subject.” It wasn’t a big change, actually. “Rick’s throwing a New Year’s party the night of the 31. They say he gives amazing parties. It’d be so great if you go.”

This time, there wasn’t an essay, or class preventing her to go; and if she had made an excuse to call a taxi and leave her house with no clear explanations that day, she could do it again.

“Can I take my friends?”

“If you can ditch them to be with me afterwards, you can.” The response was clear.

Lauren laughed. “It’s a deal.”

After the ten minutes trip back to Darren’s apartment, the volume of the voices was louder and there was music playing. Lauren couldn’t even begin to understand how all of them had spent the night of Christmas breaking the party of a family they didn’t know, and not even have the decency to spend the next day with their parents, like the very least. But she had to admit that the bond and complicity between the group of friends was admirable and a part of her wished she could care so little about so many things, like they did.

Brian had fallen asleep on the couch, Rachel was with her cellphone next to her unconscious friend; and Jim, Rick and Jeff were playing poker at the table.

“I’m kinda hungry. Do you want something to eat?” Darren asked her, leaving his jacket on the top of the couch. “I’m not a chef, but…”

She had left her house so out of the blue that she hadn’t eaten a thing, so she was quick to reply. “Um, yeah, just a sandwich or something would be okay.”

He nodded, but as soon as he walked away she regretted not having offered to make the meal herself. It was hard for her to just walk in and try to integrate to a group that had known each other for so long and so well. She finally decided to sit down on the arm of the couch, next to Rachel, who greeted her. She had to make a slight effort to not wince at her beer breath.

“Hi, Lo, how have you been?”

The nickname was still weird, but she didn’t comment on it. “I’m good, and you?”

“Great.” The girl put the phone back in her pocket. “Listen, can I ask you a question?”

“I guess so. What?” She was starting to regret to have chosen this location.

“What’s _really_ going on with you and Darren? Like, really.” The emphasis in those words only made more complicated a question that was already confusing.

“We haven’t discussed that yet, actually. I don’t know. I like him, and I think he likes me too, so that’s pretty much where we are.” The answer sounded even more pathetic, since she was avoiding to front that matter, too.

“Oh, well, you know, Darren’s a good guy _. Sometimes_. And he seems to care about you.” The emphasized word of this phrase was even worse.

Lauren made to herself a lot of questions at the same time, yet she could answer none. What was she trying to tell her? Did she date Darren in the past? Or did she want to? Was she just trying to protect him? Or worse, _her_?

“I need to get some fresh air.”

The words came out clumsy and weak, but she stood up and somehow managed to walk towards the glass door, to the balcony; not having the time to analyze if Rachel noted how fake that sounded.

The first sensation was strange, because the cold wind instantly stroking her face was comforting, but she thought she’d be alone in there. She wasn’t.

“Hi, I’m sorry.” She said, apologizing for the possibility of ruining a solitary moment.

Lauren walked to the railing, resting her arms on the cement wall, in the other side where Joe was doing the same thing. But the balcony wasn’t really that big, so they weren’t that away from each other as it’d have been common.

“It’s fine.” He just replied, handing her his glass of beer. Lauren wouldn’t have accepted it if it wasn’t so cold outside, but she could use some alcohol to warm up her body.

They were in silence for a moment, until Lauren finally said, mostly in an attempt to break the ice; after she took a sip and gave the glass back to him.

“I’m sorry that you lost the race that other night. If it makes you feel better, everyone seemed shocked about it.”

Joe shrugged, although the hint of a grin on his lip made her know that it did work to brighten him up. “Well, I wasn’t expecting much more, actually. I can’t handle Darren’s bike the way I did with mine.”

Lauren almost chocked with her spit. “W-what happened with that, either way? Did you ever get it back?”

He shook his head, resentful. “I won’t pretend it’s not lost by now. But I might find out what happened soon.” He replied; and passed the glass to her again. Lauren bit her cheek. Was he? “Do you like motorbike races?”

“Not really.” She honestly replied. “I don’t understand a lot about it. But it was fun. People were cool, and I had a good time. And I thought it was nice of Darren to give you his bike for the night.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty great when he’s not busy pissing me off.”

She laughed. Partly because it was funny, and partly because Joe didn’t understand the literal meaning of that phrase.

“You two are very close, right?”

Joe nodded. “I have tons of stories about him you wouldn’t believe, if you want to hear them someday.”

Lauren grinned. “I’d love to.”

She had gotten a wrong impression about that guy the last time. She thought he had tried to make a move on her, or something; but the truth is that he just seemed like someone who joked a lot and had good intentions. She even felt more comfortable around him than with any other of Darren’s friends, who seemed sort of cocky and made no effort to include her.

“Speak of the devil.” Joe said with a smirk as Darren opened the glass door.

But Darren didn’t laugh; he was too busy wondering why Lauren and Joe were there alone, and laughing. Instead, he walked between them, leaving the dish with food on the surface of the cement railing.

“Joe, where’s Devin?” He just said dryly, out of nowhere, and giving him a defiant though subtle look.

“She had to go.” Joe replied. His tone wasn’t challenging, but the way he moved closer and looked at his friend back was a clear cue he wouldn’t be intimidated easily.

Lauren couldn’t tell if the ice cold tension she perceived was her imagination because she knew Darren’s secret, or if there was something else.

But Darren changed his strategy too quickly to give her time to suspect. He placed a hand on her waist, moving close to her.

“Do you want to go inside?”

Only thinking about resuming that talk with Rachel put her uncomfortable.

“No, it’s fine.” She said, and Darren pressed his lips together.

Joe snorted, like if he found that picture funny; and then walked inside of the balcony.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, frowning. She didn’t quite understand why that situation happened in such a rare way.

Darren grinned, but he suddenly looked away; and his eyes didn’t match his words.

“Of course, Lauren.” He replied, and he probably didn’t realize how his voice was muffling. “What could be wrong?”


	11. Nothing romantic

**Chapter 11: Nothing romantic**

“Are you ready for tonight?” Darren asked with a smirk, leaving a six pack of beers on Rick’s table. “My humble contribution.” He explained.

Rick made thumbs up from the couch.

“Just what I needed.” He said, “Brian bossed up. Open the fridge.”

Darren walked and he couldn’t help but to smile as he opened the door of the refrigerator. A line of bottles of vodka on the upper shelf, one of juice above it, and champagne and beer filling the rest.

“Perfect.” He said, closing the door and walking to the couch. He sat on the top of it, taking his phone out of the pocket of his jacket.

“Is Lauren coming?” Rick asked, stretching his arm to pretend he was going to take Darren’s phone, but he quickly put it away from his reach.

“She hasn’t confirmed yet. But I think she’ll come.”

“So tonight is the night?” He asked, rising an eyebrow.

Darren grinned slightly. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

They had been clicking so good and becoming so close lately, that it made sense.

“I don’t think it’s a great idea that you bring her here though.” Rick grimaced as he said this.

“Why?”

“You don’t know?” He pressed his lips together before continuing, like if it was extremely hard. “Joe and Devin broke up.”

“What? Are you serious?” Darren’s voice became suddenly loud, leaving a text at the middle. “How do you know that?”

“He told me.” Rick explained, replying quickly to the menacing tone of his friend. “Last night. They had a fight, and if they didn’t get back together by now, I doubt they’ll show up together tonight. I thought you-”

“Fuck, Rick! You should’ve told me before!” He complained, upset, running a hand through his hair.

There was no time to lose. Joe had his tricks, and Darren had seen them enough to know he should be concerned. And he was single now. Shit, this was bad.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…” Rick muttered. “So tonight _has_ to be the night, anyway.”

It had to happen. That night. If he screwed it up, he could start to say goodbye to his beloved bike at any moment.

Darren breathed deeply, recognizing how abrupt and rough his reaction had been. He made a circumduction with his head, cracking his neck, slowly to calm down.

“No, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter.” He said lowering his voice, although he didn’t feel that chill. “Lauren’s with me. And she can’t even stand Joe. Right?”

Rick didn’t say anything. The sound of Lauren’s laugh echoed in his head; what could Joe had told her in the balcony to make her laugh that way? It wasn’t usual to hear her laugh, loud and shamelessly.

“It doesn’t mean anything.” Darren continued his monologue, deleting the half-text he had written and deciding to send a new one instead. “Everything is okay.”

 

 ~

 

“I finally get to know the magnificence of Rick’s famous parties.” Rachel said, winking quickly. To everyone’s surprise, Rick didn’t even seem to care enough to reply; so Rachel just added, not understanding why he was ignoring her but smart enough to notice it. “There’s this guy who is making drinks in the kitchen. See you later.”

Darren raised his eyebrows when the girl walked out of the living room.

“What was that about?”

He was sitting on the top of the couch, his feet on the armrest; and Rick, Brian and Jeff were sitting there too. Jim was trying to hook up with some girl near the door. He hadn’t seen Joe so far, but the house was so full of people that it could be just a matter of coincidence. Rick’s house was smaller than Jim’s; but evidently people liked Rick’s parties more. It seemed like if half of Michigan’s university was there.

Rick shook his head. “She came here with his boyfriend.”

“Oh.” Darren didn’t know what to answer to that. “I’m sorry, man.” He sighed. “If it helps, your house is full of lonely girls desperate to get a New Years kiss.”

Rick didn’t reply anything again, and Darren leaned a bit close, lowering his voice; and seizing that Brian and Jeff were having a different conversation.

“You really like her, right?”

“Does it matter?” He replied bitterly, standing up. “She barely notices my existence.”

“It must be because you don’t make yourself very noticeable?” Darren said. Rick walked to the fridge. “We’ve talked about this a million times. Do you think that Lauren would come here if I mourned in the corners that she didn’t want to be with me?”

“Darren.” Jim called him. He made a tilt with his head towards the door.

Lauren, Julia and Dylan were stepping inside of the house at that very same moment.

Lauren was wearing a short sky-blue sundress, with an abstract yellow and blue pattern, kinda reminiscing of Van Gogh’s _Starry Night_ , and brown wedge high heeled sandals.  Her hair was straightened and she placed it to one shoulder as she took off her coat. She followed Julia and Dylan to a group of people chatting across the room; not being able to spot him between the overwhelming amount of people.

She was trying to spy over people’s heads towards the opposite room, when he approached her by behind; his arm wrapping her belly.

“Guess who I am.” He whispered in her ear.

“Mm, Ryan Gosling? Hopefully.” She joked, grabbing his index finger with hers before turning back.

“Seriously? That’s your choice?” He replied, offended. “I’m way better than Ryan Gosling.” Lauren just shook her head, giggling quietly. “Let me get you something to drink.”

He grabbed properly her hand, leading her near where Rachel said there was a guy preparing drinks.

“I almost didn’t make it.” Lauren said, while Darren was serving champagne in two glasses. “But I convinced my dad that I’d go to his house tomorrow, to make up for the lost time.”

“I promise to return you alive and well tomorrow. It’s hard enough to share you with Caroline already.” Darren commented, half joking half serious. “Why didn’t she come, though?”

“She’s in Detroit with her family.” Lauren explained. “I’m all yours tonight.”

The innocence of her words shouldn’t work like such a turn on for him. But he smirked, trying to disguise the way his pulse sped up.

“Perfect.” He said, but he quickly changed the subject for his own sake. “Listen, it’s tradition that we drink bottoms up crossing our arms at midnight, so you’ll have to do it with me.”

“I’m not sure I can do that with a straight face.”

He handed her a glass of champagne. “That’s why we’re going to practice first.”

He grabbed a glass himself, crossing his right arm with hers. She had to grab her coat with her left arm.

“Ready? You can’t stop until it’s empty.” He warned, but Lauren only raised her eyebrows in response, and they directed the glasses to their lips, looking up to the ceiling for the next ten seconds.

When she looked at him again, his lips were wet and he caught a deep breath.

“Am I in conditions of passing your initiation ritual?” She asked confidently, smiling.

Darren avoided to confess he had done that with Devin two years ago. “You’re okay.” He said, leaving the empty glasses on the table. Someone handed him another drink, and he guessed it was that guy the one Rachel was talking about. He was too focused on his conversation with Lauren to pay attention to him, or to even say thank you, but he smelled the dark liquid in the cup.

“Imperial stout.” He approved, almost taking a sip; but Lauren stole it from his hands before it could get to his lips.

“You have an impressive snobbish taste for someone who hates snobs.” She said, proceeding then to smell it too. “I really can’t tell.”

“I have a dark past.” He joked, taking her hand and pulling from it to bring her closer. He lowered the volume of his voice, “I still have like, one or two secrets more, if we can go later somewhere more private to… talk.”

Lauren rolled her eyes, laughing.

“You’re unbelievable.” She said, staring back now. “If it’s only to talk, of course. I have a few secrets, too.”

The tone of her voice was a bit ironic and it didn’t go unnoticed for him.

He planned to search for a corner in which they could make out for a while, but as soon as he leaned to her face he heard a voice calling his name, and it wasn’t Lauren’s. He closed his eyes, annoyed, and wondering if he couldn’t just ignore Brian’s voice.

“Darren.” He called again, and his tone was concerning. “We need you.”

He didn’t let go of Lauren’s hand, but he turned his head back. “What’s going on?”

Brian looked around, and this gesture made obvious he couldn’t talk about it there, in that room full of people.

“It’s important.” He merely said.

Darren looked at Lauren again.

“You won’t escape if I go away for a minute?” He said playfully.

“I’ll be waiting right here.” She replied. “Just don’t take too long.”

“I’ll come back for our toast.” He said, before giving her a fervent kiss. The way she kissed back and firmly squeezed his hand made him so happy that he almost couldn’t stand it.

It was happening. That night. And everything was fucking great that he felt he could dance.

He followed Brian through the back door, outside, where the cold provoked it was almost empty, in contrast with the hot, suffocating inside of the house. Rick, Jim and Jeff were already there.

“What’s going on?” Darren asked. “Better be good. I just left a chick disposed to be all mine tonight.” He said with a smirk, he couldn’t help it, he had to tell. It was all so great.

“It is good.” Jeff said. “Perkins is on the corner of the street.”

“What?” His voice sounded weak.

“With his bike and a pair of dudes.” He dwelt. “We don’t know what he wants.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“We figured to ask you first.” Brian said. “In the case you wanted to do the talking.”

He swallowed his own spit first. “Yes. Yes, I do.” He lied. He didn’t want to be anywhere near those people. “They can’t intimidate us in our own party. It’s ridiculous.”

He wished to have had the chance to drink the imperial stout, since he didn’t feel brave enough to walk there as if. _Fake it ‘till you make it_ , he said to himself, making a sign with his head for Brian to follow him.

As they got closer to that dark corner and those silhouettes of bikes and people chatting and laughing casually out of place; the sound of the music became more distant, the sound of their own steps louder. Darren took a few deep breathes more, trying to get himself together. He knew he couldn’t flinch in front of them.

“Look, it’s my favorite person in the city.” Perkins said, amused. He was sitting on his Harley, and there were four guys around him doing the same, like a sort of shield. There was only one of them whose face Darren found familiar, but he couldn’t remember where he knew him from.

“Save the sarcasm. What do you want?”

“An invitation to your party.” One of them replied, and they laughed like if they were just hanging out like any Saturday night.

“You’re kidding.” Rick said seriously.

“Yes, Sherlock, it’s a joke.” Michael said loudly. “We don’t want to go to your stupid tea party.”

“What are you doing here, anyway? What do you want?” Darren interrupted him. Why did he have to make it always so hard?

The blonde shrugged, but the grin on the corner of his lips gave away he was too satisfied with himself to mean nothing.

“Nothing.” He said. “We’re perfect.”

“Bullshit.”

Brian had walked behind Darren to whisper:

“Darren, there are five bikes, and they’re four here. I don’t know. I think one of them is in Rick’s house.”

“Fuck.” Darren cursed lowly. Then he said to Perkins, “This isn’t over.”

He only stared back at him, still looking way too pleased. “I can’t wait.”

He tried to ignore how worrying everything was while he turned back and he and Brian walked to the back garden with fast steps. Rachel was there, with Jim and Rick, and she seemed confused. She grabbed Darren’s arm as soon as he came back.

“What’s going on?”

“Perkins sent someone inside.”

“Why’d he do that?”

“We don’t know yet. But there’s someone who doesn’t fit and we gotta find him.”

Rick looked affected, fearing for the safety of the party, and the house, and the people; it seemed he had lost the ability to talk.

“It’s impossible.” Brian said. “There’s way too many people. We can’t know who it is.”

Darren ignored Brian’s comment. “Look for someone who’s probably alone and acts weird. Or carries something.”

Rachel looked at him with a frown.

“Go!” Darren harshly repeated. Rick and Jeff walked inside, mainly because of Darren’s reaction, but Rachel shook her head.

“We don’t know what we’re looking for.” She snapped. “I know you’re scared, but this…”

“I’m not-” He snorted. “I’m just trying to save Rick’s party. You have no idea how I feel.”

“And do you even know what you’re doing?!” There was a silent pause. “Of course.”

She stared at him with shirty eyes for a few seconds, before walking inside too.

He ran a hand through his face, pressing his fingertips against his forehead, like if he was trying to wake himself up. He wasn’t acting completely rational, but there wasn’t time or room to do it so.

After a moment, he said to Jim to wait there and walked inside of the house, to the kitchen. He observed the different little groups there, and none of them seemed slightly suspicious. Most of them were people he had crossed three or four times at some point in the university.

Maybe the whole point of Perkins was just to mess with his head.

It was working.

He almost gave up when he glanced at his phone and saw it was almost midnight, but Brian called him to the back yard once more. It was purposely deserted now. Jim was resting his back against the wall of the house, and Jeff and Brian a little away, but with their guard up.

“We found him.” Brian explained, “Well, Rachel did. She’s bringing him here.”

“I got this.” Darren said.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. Jim will help me.” Darren assured, trying to exaggerate the confidence he felt. “Everything good?” He asked to Jim, who nodded quickly. “Good.”

The guy might have been dumb enough to fall into Rachel’s trick, but as soon as she closed the door behind them and saw that four people were waiting outside, his expression changed quickly.

“W-what’s going on?” He stuttered, attempting to go back through the same door that brought him there; but it was blocked by Rachel. “I swear I don’t have anything to do… with anything…” He said nervously, shaking his head several times.

He had chickened out so quickly. It was obvious this wasn’t their best shot.

“We know Perkins sent you.” Darren said, stepping closer. “What did he told you to do?”

“Nothing, I- I don’t know who he is… I swear… I’ll leave and nothing happened here…” He cried, still looking around, like thinking of a route to escape. His words were so affected that it couldn’t be more obvious.

“I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. Are you going to tell us what were you doing here the easy way or the hard way?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

Darren sighed.

“Jim.” He ordered.

A sharp bluster sounded when Jim pushed the fragile body of that unknown guy against the wall. Jim’s forearm was pressing strongly his chest, not only forbidding him to move, but also obstructing his breath a bit. The guy’s hands started to shake, but he could do nothing to get him off.

Darren walked closer, his face near his. He could observe the way his jaw trembled and he got suffocated trying to catch more air in his lungs. But he didn’t allow this to stir him.

It seemed all a big puzzle he couldn’t find the pieces for.

“What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t do anything, I swear!” The guy repeated, desperate. He kept switching his gaze from Darren to Jim, but none of them yielded. “I was waiting for orders! Please, let me go!”

Darren frowned, looking at Brian behind him, but he was shocked as well.

“Waiting for orders? It doesn’t make any sense.” He looked at him again. “You’re lying.”

Jim pressed his chest harder; and his eyes became red.

“I’m not lying, it’s true!” It was hard not to believe him; he looked genuinely in pain, and scared. He didn’t look like someone who Perkins would seriously send to threaten them.

“Why’d he send you here without a purpose?”

“I don’t know! He just told me to watch all of you!”

“What for?”

A big puzzle, with the pieces closing all around him, but he couldn’t connect them.

“I don’t know!” He kept repeating as a broken record.

“It doesn’t make sense. Any of this.” Darren said again. “They were right there in the corner. Anyone could see them. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Unless they wanted us to find him.” Brian suggested.

Darren took a deep breath. “Unless it was a warning.” He finished. “Did they give you any kind of message?”

“No, nothing, I swear!” He was almost crying; it was pathetic.

Darren snorted. “Let him go, he has no fucking clue of what Perkins is doing to him.”

Jim moved away, and the guy fell to the floor, coughing loudly.

“Do a favor to yourself and don’t let him manipulate you anymore.” Darren advised, grabbing the doorknob of the house.

Rachel kept standing up in the way, and she looked at him, astonished, like if she couldn’t believe he was just letting him go like that. But this time she didn’t express her thoughts. She just stepped out of the way, and Darren walked directly to the bathroom.

He washed his face, feeling the cold water refreshing his skin. He put down the toilet seat before sitting down, placing his elbows on his knees, leaning forwards and closing his eyes.

He remained there, without doing anything, and trying not to think, for a long moment.

It consumed him so much that he kind of forgot the time and place, until someone knocked the door and entered without permission.

“Thank God you have your pants on.” Rachel joked, but Darren didn’t laugh. She lent the door, but she didn’t dare to walk closer. Then her voice became soft, which was strange to see in her. “Listen, you did what you had to do. Those people are dangerous and we don’t know what they can have in hands. We were protecting ourselves. I know you’re blaming yourself, and it’s stupid.”

She did know him well, although her honesty was hard to deal with sometimes.

“I know.” He said with a heavy tone. But any of this seemed to fit, and it made him so anxious he couldn’t stand it.

“They’re gone. I just saw them leaving. It’s over.” Rachel said. Those words calmed him a bit. _It was over_. “But you okay, right?”

Darren nodded, although she guessed this was only partly true.

“Great, ‘cause it’s almost midnight and your new year kiss might be impatient.”

“Right. Lauren. Shit.” Darren cursed, standing up. Everything came out of nowhere and he forgot about her.

He didn’t spot her where he had left her, near the table; but he had delayed long enough to believe she went with her friends.

“Excuse me.” He said over and over, every time he had to push someone to be able to walk through the house. Everyone were so focused in the countdown to midnight that he had to push people to keep walking. He was cautiously looking around, but Lauren was nowhere to be seen. Near the front door, he found Dylan and Julia.

“Hey, have you seen Lauren?” Darren asked, sort of desperate at this point. The last thing he needed right then was to lose her.

“I thought she was with you.” Julia replied, confused.

“Yeah, she was, but… Never mind.”

There was no time for useless explanations. He passed by the front door, to the sidewalk. A group of freshmen drama girls were doing the countdown loudly, which was in its final seconds. They were inside of the house before. He recognized them because one of them had asked him for an autograph once.

“Hey, have any of you seen Lauren Lopez around here?” He didn’t even care to interrupt their meaningful moment.

“And she is…?” One of the girls looked at him with a frown.

“Tiny brunette, she was wearing a sky-blue dress. She was inside half an hour ago.”

“I’m sorry, no.”

“No, I’ve seen her!” Another one of them quickly barged in, excited to help. “She went upstairs a while ago with Joe Walker.”

Darren felt exactly like if the world around him started to fall down to pieces.

“With… Joe?”

No.

That couldn’t be happening.

“Yes, like ten minutes ago. They were chatting for a while, and then they went upstairs.”

But Darren wasn’t listening anymore. He was walking inside already, in the exact moment where the countdown reached zero and the fireworks started. That loud ramble sounded so far away. He felt like if he was moving in slow motion, unable to keep up with the real world. It was almost like if the corner of his eyes started to get things blurry, but he worked hard to ignore this and keep walking through the mess of people.

The music was so loud, and it was so hard to catch a breath in there. There was way too many people.

He groped the railing of the stairs like a ground wire. It just couldn’t get inside of his head.

He couldn’t be late again.

The first door he opened was the bathroom. Empty. He tried with the door in front of it. It was Rick’s dark room. Empty, too. The third one was the closet, and he felt he was moving every damn second clumsier and slower. Everyone were screaming downstairs, greeting each other and wishing a happy new year. Making toasts, kissing each other, hugging.

Why was that house so huge?

But the fourth room- the fourth room wasn’t empty. And the rage invaded his stomach so fast it became hard to cling to a single thought.

But he just knew that was a landscape that he could never forget. Rick parents’ perfectly neat bed, the soft light of the bedside table, and Joe’s figure grabbing Lauren’s head while he kissed her with the same intensity he had done it a few days ago.

He was late.

“Hey!” Joe snapped at the instant. He probably hadn’t realized yet that it was him. “Dude, I’m in the middle of something here…”

But Darren had walked to the bed anyway. Deep down he wanted to believe that there was something wrong with that. It couldn’t be what it seemed.

They were both almost completely dressed, except Joe was shirtless and Lauren’s dress was rumpled; lying on the bed next to each other. Lauren’s weight was back in her elbows, like if she had tried to sit up before; but she didn’t look like herself.

“What the fuck, Joe?!” Darren screamed to his supposed best friend, who only realized it was him in that moment, when the lamp lighted his face.

Joe sighed, and said with a low voice. “I’m sorry, man. But I’m not doing anything she doesn’t want me to.”

But Darren looked at Lauren and knew there was something weird going on. Her eyes were barely opened, and she hadn’t said a thing so far. She seemed about to fall asleep.

Darren crouched, trying to remain calm; but he never thought not losing his shit could be so difficult.

“That’s not true. She’s going to pass out. Lauren?”

He grabbed her shoulder, trying to get a response; but nothing. It was like if she wasn’t even there.

“What the fuck did you give to her, Joe?!” This time his voice was loud, and angry, and he didn’t put an effort to hide it.

Joe shook his head, confused. “Nothing! She was fine a minute ago.”

“Right.” He spat sarcastically. “I’m taking her with me. Lauren, you hear me?”

She didn’t say a word. She was barely conscious. And it scared him.

“Wait, she was fine just now.” Joe repeated, standing up; and he tried to make a movement, and Darren didn’t waste time trying to decode what it was.

“Don’t fucking touch her. You’re a fucking idiot, you know?” He warned, disgusted. “I’m taking her with me.”

“Wait, let me see her-” He started mumbling a phrase that Darren didn’t either heard or let come to an end.

The only thing his mind had room for was Lauren’s head swaying in her place while she tried to open her eyes.  So when he noticed Joe was trying to do something, like if he hadn’t done enough; he didn’t hesitate.

And maybe he should’ve done that to Michael, or that intruder he sent; but he did it to Joe. He punched him on the face so hard that it made him lose balance. He fell to the floor, covering his face with his hands. His face and hands were covered in blood.

Darren’s heartbeat had gone insane. He looked at his purple knuckles for one second.

He punched Joe. He fucking punched Joe and there was no way back from that point.

He didn’t lose more time thinking; if he did, he knew he was a dead man. He made Lauren stand up, placing her arm around his shoulder, and grabbing her waist, but even that way it was hard to keep her balanced. She was practically a dead weight.

“Lauren.” He called her again, desperate, despite it was in vain. “I need you to walk just a bit, okay? Lauren, please.”

He noticed a subtle movement of her head. She nodded.

She fucking nodded. It wasn’t a total relief, but it was good news.

“Thank God. It’ll be over soon, we just need to get the hell out of here, okay?”

At least he knew she was conscious. And when they left, Joe was still in the floor, bleeding. Darren hadn’t ever been in a situation as surreal as this one.

The way she breathed simulated a person sleeping, but he felt the grip of her arm around her shoulder and she was trying to walk. Going downstairs wasn’t easy, but there was so many people that they could get away without a dozen of stares on them. Everyone was still too busy watching the fireworks and making toasts.

Darren bumped into Brian in the way to the door.

“What the…?”

Darren didn’t lose time with explanations.

“Ask Rachel’s boyfriend to borrow his car. We need to get Lauren to my apartment. It’s urgent.” Brian didn’t seem very convinced, but he nodded. “Quick. People are watching.”

Not that he cared, but the last thing Lauren needed was to have pictures of that all over the internet or having her family seeing them. So he carried her to Rachel’s boyfriend’s car until Brian came back. It’d be impossible to take her anywhere in a bike in the state she was in.

Brian helped him to place her on the back seat. Then he walked to the driver seat, and Darren stayed with Lauren, trying to keep her aware. So he kept talking to her, but he couldn’t get any response besides a movement of her head or a low unintelligible mumble.

“What happened?” Brian asked, worried, starting the car.

“Joe.” Darren simply replied, like if this was more than enough to understand.

“You don’t think that…” Brian’s expression was stunned.

“I don’t know.” He cut. He was sure he was the responsible at first, but he was unsure now. “She seems drunk but… No. It’s something else.” He observed her pale face, trying to determine the exact moment when that night had decided to turn into the worst day of his life. He softly put a hand on her forehead. “ She’s burning up. If she doesn’t get better I’ll have to take her to the hospital.”

“But they might think you-”

“I don’t care.” He closed his eyes for a moment, rubbing his eyelids with his fingertips. He couldn’t explain it, but he had to take care of her. He had to make sure she was okay. “Let’s go to my apartment by now.”

He noticed she was a bit stronger while they got to his place. She couldn’t yet find balance on his own, but her breath was more regular, and her eyes a little wider.

Darren sent Brian back with the car. He had sat Lauren on the couch, and she ran a hand through her face and hair, sighing deeply.

“You okay?” Darren asked, observing her.

“Not really.” Her voice came out weak and hoarse, but at least she said something. Darren wanted to ask her about what happened, and if she remembered everything; but he held this urge. He knew he shouldn’t. She still looked terrible.

“Do you want to throw up?”

She nodded, and he felt relieved, actually. Whatever happened –it’d all be gone.

Whatever movies get about standing a hangover together, it was wrong and Darren understood it right then. There is nothing romantic in seeing the person you care about throwing up in your toilet. There is nothing romantic in holding their hair while you feel the cold sweat on the skin of their neck. There was nothing romantic from that night he wanted to remember. While she kept coughing and losing that tiny amount of strength she had left; he couldn’t stop thinking of Joe kissing her, and his pathetic explanations, and if they were pathetic or it was just that he didn’t want to believe them.

He gave her a glass of water and took her to his bed. He could tell while he tucked her in, that she was gaining the color of her face back. But she still looked about to fall asleep at any minute.

Maybe she just got really drunk, and maybe whatever happened just had to happen, and maybe he should pretend he hadn’t seen anything.

“You’re gonna feel terrible tomorrow.” He said softly.

He had been worried to death; but once she got rid off everything in his stomach, it was only a matter of patience. She’d be okay.

“I already do.” Lauren complained, so lowly it was barely audible.

Darren gently took a lock of hair out of her face, running the tip of his fingers through her forehead in a soft, slow caress. She closed her eyes, sleepy, enjoying the feeling of his touch.

“I’m gonna sleep in the couch, if you need anything.” He informed, but he couldn’t tell if she was already asleep. His fingers were still over her warm skin. He closed his eyes for only a moment, too. And his voice came out so low, that no one heard it besides himself. “Please, let us forget this.”


	12. Ignorance is bliss

**Chapter 12: Ignorance is bliss**

“Thanks for bringing me, daddy.” Lauren forced a smile, looking at her father in the driver seat. She gave him a swift kiss on the cheek, and then opened the door of the car, “I wouldn’t make it to my classes otherwise.”

“You’re welcome, darling. Good luck.” The man grinned, driving the car away once she got out.

Lauren sighed as soon as she stepped inside of the apartment, throwing her bag in the floor. Faking she had spent a nice day had been more than simply difficult and she felt exhausted. The day just wasn’t her favorite since she woke up in Darren’s bed with the most terrible headache and not knowing how the fuck did she got there. Five minutes analyzing the situation wasn’t enough for her to understand, so while she made her best not to cry because she had no idea what was going on, she sneaked out in silence at the very early morning, passing by Darren sleeping in the couch, so she could get to her place in time for his dad to pick her up. And she ignored his text by midday, hoping this would tell enough.

And not only that –she had class in thirty minutes, and the idea of facing people after whatever happened in Saturday put her stomach upside down.  

While she was drying her hair after getting a hot shower, Caroline walked to her dormitory in her pajamas and with colored socks on.

“You’re up.” Lauren admired, running her fingers through her hair. “I’m impressed.”

“Yeah, me too.” Caroline nodded with a grin on her lips. She still hadn’t brushed her hair, and her eyelids seemed only half opened; but it was one of the few times she hadn’t needed to go to her room to awake her. “Happy New Year. How did you spend it?”

Lauren’s response was only a few seconds later than normal. “Good. You know, with my mom’s business. As usual. When did you get here?” She gave her a quick glance to emphasize this question and see if she could avoid a conversation she wasn’t ready for.

“Last night.” Caroline replied, carelessly running a hand through her messy shining red hair. “Apparently Darren & Co had this huge party. Didn’t you go?”

Her friend was persistent on the same subject, so Lauren turned off the hairdryer and walked to the door.

“As I said, I spent it with my family.” She grabbed the doorknob in a pretty obvious gesture. “I need to change my clothes right now.”

Lauren and Caroline shared the first class of that Tuesday, and then Caroline went to Theater production and Lauren to Dramaturgy. You could tell by first sight that it was the first day after those short vacations, and that most students were one step further from taking their pillows to class with them. Mrs. Wood was aware of their conditions, and she had the consideration to give a calmed, quiet class. She assigned them the labor of continuing to work on their projects in silence, which was a not-so discrete encouragement to sign up in the investigation contest she arranged that year.

Lauren almost forgot about it, so she grabbed her Shakespeare books and drafts and tried to catch up in the thesis she used to be so thrilled about. She had been with her mind in cloud nine lately; not that she didn’t think she deserved it, and not that she had failed any tests in the first semester, but the second would be rougher and heartless. Fortunately, she had made a choice and she shouldn’t have any issues during the rest of the year. She talked with Mrs. Wood to organize the tutorages Lauren would start to give during this semester. This should keep her busy enough.

So she tried her hardest to maintain that determination when Darren reached for her arm at the end of the class. She had attempted to escape before the rest of the students walking the fastest she could, but at midday the halls were a mess and she couldn’t avoid people quick enough.

“Hey,” he called, kind of confused by the way she had avoided his gaze the entire class. “Is everything okay?”

Lauren breathed deeply when she turned around. Darren’s eyes were wide open and the deep brown in them made the unnerve more obvious. She hoped that her intentions were implicit and to evade this conversation, but she didn’t feel guilty to make it clear neither.

“You know it’s not.” She looked right into his eyes to make him know she was being serious. “I can’t do this anymore.” She confessed, and her tone turned out less rough than what she expected it to be.

“What do you mean?” The confusion on Darren’s expression became alarm, wishing to not understand what Lauren was trying to tell him.

“This was a mistake, and what happened in New Year only proved it.”

“Are you serious?” Darren raised his eyebrows. He shook his head while he took a deep breath. That had to be a misunderstood. Not that he was expecting recognition for anything, but he couldn’t allow to be blamed that way. “I didn’t put a single finger on you in the entire night. I slept on the couch. I even helped you to throw up. _Jesus_.” The last swear emerged with frustration before he thought of preventing it; the outrage hit him too badly to be precautious.

“But any of it would’ve happened if it wasn’t for you!” Lauren’s voice sounded so loud a group of people behind them turned around to see what was going on. Her eyes had widened and they shined furiously. 

Darren didn’t even know where to begin. The fact that he was being accused of something like that, and by _Lauren_ , felt surreal and he just didn’t feel it was fair to even explain it any further. Someone who claimed to have such a sense of justice couldn’t come up with something like this.

“I don’t have anything to do with what happened. Shit, I was scared to my bones too. You can’t be serious, you can’t believe I did something like that. Joe -”

Lauren seized the lack of cohesion in his sentences, interrupting him sternly.

“What’s the difference? You’re just like Joe or any of your friends.”  The cold tone in her voice made Darren felt his heart was sinking into his stomach. He had actually thought they’d be okay, that Lauren would trust him and that he could just be with her. She sighed, shaking her head to herself before adding, “Something like this was meant to happen, you know that, Darren. We’re too different. We’d never work it out.” She made a pause to see if he was going to add something, but he was speechless, so she continued, quietly and calmer, “Goodbye.”

Lauren pressed her lips together, slowly walking away in the opposite direction so Darren couldn’t see her leaving; but he turned his head, remaining there for a second that weight on him like a decade. And thinking that _out of all_ the shitty things he had done, caring about her shouldn’t be one.

 

 ~

 

 

Joe was kind of expecting it when someone knocked the door of his apartment way too loud to be casual.

“I need to talk to you.” Darren was inside before he finished saying that phrase. His voice was deep enough to make him realize he was serious, but not that defying as Joe thought it’d turn out to be.

“I _sensed_ it.” Joe said ironically. He had like five lost calls from his friend from the last day anyway, but he didn’t get the guts to pick up after what happened, so he pretended he was just in a very long class.

“We need to clear up what happened at the party.” Darren rested his weight back in the counter of Joe and Jim’s apartment, and Joe closed the door and sat down on the couch, almost in front of him.

“About this fantastic purple bruise in my nose that makes me sniff every time I breathe?” Joe extended his arms at the side of the couch, lying comfortably; but of course that behind that sarcastic question there was more than just whit of grudge. “I’m interested.”

Darren snorted, and his voice rose a bit. “I wouldn’t have fucking punched you if you weren’t making out with the girl I’m dating.”

He almost recanted the use of the present _I’m,_ but the excuse that followed his accusation caused him to completely forget about it.

“She didn’t mention that when we were chatting.”

Darren gave two steps further, and this sudden movement provoked that the table he was resting on lapsed on the floor a little, and a creak won out ahead his words.

“Don’t be an idiot. You knew she was with me.”

 The silence was so profound that their voices almost echoed, and they sounded more like shouts without the necessity to actually put an effort on. Joe sighed, and he looked away for a second before interrupting him, like if Darren’s attitude was utterly frustrating.

 “Look, stop pretending you’re a hero, Darren. Since when you’re the savior?” Joe almost laughed, but he was precautious enough to avoid it. “You know something like this could happen since the moment we made a bet on it. Don’t act like if you wouldn’t have done it the other way around.”

His foundations were solid, and he knew they were true –which hit him suddenly and badly for a moment. He wouldn’t have hesitated if it had been him. It was a certainty.

He breathed a few times, trying to sift out his thoughts. “What about the fact that she was fucking drugged? What do you have to say to defend yourself about that?”

“Bro, she was just drunk. She was not-”

“She was unconscious and threw up in my apartment. It’s the moment that you just admit it.”

There was a frown up Joe’s eyes, but he wasn’t confused. The disappointment in his eyes was clear, and he shook his head a few times, like if he was trying to make sure about what was happening.

“Dude.” He made a pause. “I can’t believe –Are you listening to what you’re saying?” His tone was not only resentful, it was badly offended. “Do you honestly believe I’m capable of something like that? I’m not a fucking rapist. I just –I can’t believe you believe that.”

“But…” Darren remembered how Lauren made him feel the last day when she assumed the same about him. And he did have to admit that something like that was going way too far for any of them, but it was the only theory that made sense and that’s what made him declined to believe it. “Then how…”

“We were talking completely fine, and when we went upstairs she was fine and conscious, too. She just got very drunk.”

Darren frowned and felt a knot in his throat at the mention of Joe and Lauren going upstairs, and despite a part of him wanted to ask and to know every fucking detail of what led them there. What did Joe say? Did she laugh? Did she close her eyes when they kissed? Were her hands cold, like when they were at the Huron River? Did she try to stop his hand when he lifted her dress? Did she like the way his touch felt on her? But he didn’t think he could live on with that image in his head and that ignorance was indeed bliss this time.

“She didn’t seem just drunk.” He added quietly.

“Maybe that was what you wanted to see.” Joe’s comment upset him because if he was honest with himself that was the thing it made more sense, and he didn’t want it.

“You know what? It doesn’t even fucking matter, since she doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

Darren walked to the couch and threw his weight on it, sitting down next to Joe and resting his back in the leather. His friend looked at him, and there was a grimace in the corner of his lips.

A silent pause followed this action, until Joe finally let out:

“We should cancel this stupid bet already. It’s ridiculous.”

Darren held a snort, because it was the last thing on the list of his concerns at that point. But he wouldn’t doubt to accept it, because in that moment he wanted to get rid off the bet, and Joe’s bike, and Michigan’s Hole, and the university overall.

“Yeah.” He agreed, throwing his head back for a moment. Then he added, “We have more important things to worry about, like Perkins stalking us all the fucking time.”

Joe walked to the fridge and grabbed two cans of beer.

“Oh, Brian told me about it. He said something weird happened at Jim’s party, and that one of those guys was in the Hole the other day, too. Do you have any idea of what happened?”

He threw one beer to Darren, and he was almost not nimble enough to catch it.

“Not one I’d honestly put my money on. Not for now.” And what was worse, he didn’t know if he wanted to find out; but he omitted that part of his thoughts. “I’m cancelling the races for January at least.”

Joe crossed his arms, leaning against the closed door of the refrigerator. He observed him for a moment, and he almost asked why did he think that was necessary, but the answer reached him implicitly.

“I think it’s the best, too.”

Darren opened the can, and the soft flick sounded while he stated, “I’m sorry about you and Devin, by the way.”

Joe shook his head, kind of grinning, “I guess we’re _both_ back again now.”

He walked to the couch, and they softly hit their beers together in a surreal toast.

 

~

 

It was either that he was a bit drunk or that everyone was kind of moving too much when Darren left Joe’s apartment; fortunately the swing of his steps wasn’t obvious yet. His place was only a few blocks away but he didn’t really feel like riding in the state he was in.

So he decided to walk home and just pick his bike the next day, although he wasn’t that sure of anything right then. It was only one block away when he remembered there was a bar he used to visit, and the remembrance caught him because there was a little group of girls from his class drinking and laughing in one of the tables outside. The proximity was enough for them to recognize him and the laughs became quiet whispers he didn’t comprehend. Seconds later, a dulcet voice chanted his name, and he couldn’t determine if it was the worst timing or maybe the perfect chance.

He failed to define as well, if he stood there waiting for Devin to realize that she should walk to him, or if it was her the one who approached him and touched his arm as she commented with a content voice:

“What are you doing here alone?” She continued before he had processed the first question, “It’s funny, I was just thinking about you.”

“Yeah, me too.” Darren lied, despite he did talk about her with his friend. “What are you guys doing tonight?”

Devin shrugged, and the sight of a grin was drawn on her thin lips as she tilted her head to look at him.

“My friends are going to a club, but I don’t really feel like partying tonight. I have class tomorrow whatsoever, and Mrs. Wood can be a pain in the ass.” Why did everything sound so charming when she said it? She could be talking about baroque painting as well and it’d sound as nice and interesting. “What about you?”

“I was thinking about going home and getting in the bed, to be honest. Do you want a ride?”

Devin’s refined eyebrows raised, and she gave a sneaky suggestion, “Or we could just go to your place.”

Darren laughed because he just wasn’t sufficiently alert to analyze the ethics or societal boundaries of the situation, and Joe and Devin broke up anyway and it wasn’t like if Devin hadn’t been willing to do this since the start and why would that matter nonetheless if life was so short and people were meant to reject happiness and Devin’s voice was angelic and her skin was soft…

Darren groped the keys in the pockets of his jeans, and made a tiny effort more to remember in which direction he had parked his bike.

This was something Lauren would probably expect him to do. He could almost feel her judgmental gaze, but Darren knew this was fair and not even drunkenness could take that away from him. And that, notwithstanding everything, they weren’t so different from each other after all.


	13. Secrets

**Chapter 13: Secrets**

Thank God Darren’s the type of drunk that can hold their own, because when he ran into Devin he already had more than enough, but even then he felt the need to ask her if she wanted something to drink once they got to his place –despite he knew Devin had never liked beer, and that it was the only thing he had in his fridge at the moment.

 She still said yes, while she sat on the couch, legs crossed delicately and a tilt of her head. She observed him as he walked back with two glasses, and the sips she took seemed to be out of commitment.

“I’ve really missed you _a lot._ ”

Darren knew that she said it like three times already, -but it never feels less satisfying and although it’s always a little bitter- he couldn’t help but to grin.

“I know, me too.”

It’s not a lie, but it’s not completely true either.

But Devin didn’t finish, and the feeling of her hand on his lap was stronger than the alcohol. “It’s been hard for me since Joe and I…”

The grin faded out quickly; Darren hoped to not hear the mention of Joe that soon –actually, to not hear his name at all, and he started trying to forbid the guilt to push him back, because everything about this was fair and Joe shouldn’t be able to take that moment away from him without even being present.

“Why did you even break up with him, then?” He didn’t mean for that question to come out so rudely abrupt, but Devin just frowned.

“It’s ironic that you ask me that, since _you knew_.”

Darren didn’t catch it at first, until she looked into his eyes with such bitterness and he felt his throat sore for a few seconds.

_Of course_ Darren knew Joe had been seeing another girl during the last weeks, but from what Joe had told them she was from out of town and he was covering it up so cautiously that he’d never dare to assume that was the connection between their break up.

“I’m sorry, I-” He shook his head, but he couldn’t be quick to make up an excuse.

“It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting you to tell me, not in these circumstances.” She admitted, shrugging.

One of the things Darren used to like the most about Devin was her understanding, she’d hardly ever judge him about anything; but now it gave him a feeling of numbness. Every few moments, it almost felt like if she wasn’t there.

She took another sip from her glass; her other hand was still on his lap. “You and me, both got repeatedly screwed over, so we’re together in this.”

She was partly joking, but there was something genuine in her words, and when she looked down her long eyelashes trembled, and –kinda because of the alcohol, kinda because it had been wanting to happen since months ago- he was the one to lean in to kiss her, the hand on his lap tightening.

Devin’s lips were exactly how Darren expected them to be, exactly how he remembered them. But she was avid, determined, shameless. He hid his disappointment (he hoped something more than a person made of memories) holding her jaw to deepen the kiss, and the quick and energetic responses she gave encouraged him to get handful of every part of her body he could touch.

Ten minutes later, she was under him on the bed of his room, she had taken off the green dress that highlighted so greatly the blue in her eyes, and her skin felt as soft as he remembered, too.

But something’s not fitting, and he thought it was everything before it hit him –the alcohol, the light, the anxiety or the fact that he hadn’t had sex in a while, but it wasn’t that, and when he fell into the count of it, it kind of froze him.

Devin continued to kiss him for a while more before realizing he stopped responding. Her hand kept holding his jaw, and she looked at him, but she didn’t say a thing.

“How long did you know?”

Darren’s question came out of nowhere and there was a pause. The silence was so deep that he heard clearly how she swallowed hard before asking with an unsteady voice, “What?”

“About Joe.” He wasn’t rough, but there was a harsh certainty in the tone of his voice that took her unprepared. “How long did you know he was cheating on you?”

Devin frowned, giving a confused answer. “Like a month and a half, maybe a bit more. I’m not sure. Why?”

Darren sat up, ran a hand through his hair and shook his head; how could he be so blind?

Devin sat up too, but she wasn’t following him. She thought things were turning out quite good. “What the fuck is going on?”

“It’s a revenge.” It was a statement, but more for himself than for anyone else. “Isn’t it?”

“Darren, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“When you started trying to talk to me again. Giving me those idiotic eyes, touching my shoulder and saying you missed me. Did you know?” He looked at her, and Devin pressed her lips together, uncomfortable, in a silent confession. “Of course you did. You knew Joe was cheating on you, and there’s no best revenge than to fuck his best friend. Right?”

Devin didn’t say a thing.

He snorted a laugh, but he was laughing of himself more than anything else. Did he really think that she was trapped in a relationship with Joe just because she felt lost without him or something? Did he really think that she had been waiting for him to come back? It was so narcissist from his part that he knew he kind of deserved it, but he still couldn’t help but to feel disgusted at everything –at Devin, at her kisses, at her body in underwear lying on his bed.

“I thought you realized that already.” Her tone was still soft (as it always was) but there was a pinch of wounded ego reflecting on it.

Darren stood up, and grabbed the glass he had brought when they got inside of the bedroom. The beer was warm, thick, and he was sure it’d make him feel sick later; but he needed to do something because the anxiety was starting to consume him.

“I should learn to expect better from you, evidently.”

“Please! You’re not any different.” This time the grudge was obvious, and it seemed like if the words sickened her, too, and she felt bad for letting them out. “Lauren dumped you literally two days ago, and you’re going to tell me it’s a coincidence that you choose to hook up with the girlfriend of the guy who made you break up. We both had the same intentions, and it’s stupid that you pretend now that you didn’t.”

Darren sighed due the nuisance in his throat the beer gave him; and he didn’t look at her when he said:

“You should go.”

He didn’t know if the sob he heard was real or a product of his imagination –and he sorta felt like shit because he couldn’t care less whether she was crying or not, but when he turned around, she wasn’t. She had put on her clothes and gave him a dead stare.

“It’s too late anyway.” Devin said gravelly. “Everyone saw us leaving together.”

Darren’s heart skipped a beat.

Even if Lauren dumped him, he didn’t want her to hear that rumor this soon, and he didn’t want her to swallow hard and raise her eyebrows to say with a broken voice _Just how I expected him to be._

“Please don’t go and say…”

“And what I’m supposed to say?” Devin snapped, walking to the door. She was very upset. “That you kicked me out of your bed? I have at least _some_ dignity to forbid myself to hear that, unlike you.”

Darren didn’t let himself get too carried away, he knew Devin wasn’t mean, but if she went around saying they slept together, he’d have _so_ many troubles. _So so so_ many.

“You can make up anything else.”

Devin opened the door and looked at him. “Since when do you care? It’s not like if a dozen of people in the campus don’t hate you guts already.” Her face was becoming red; hint that she was truly offended. “Don’t tell me you’re scared that Lauren finds out, because I’ll lose any respect I had left for you.”

“You’ve no idea what’s going on, Devin. Not anymore.” He seemed much more calmed than what he actually was. He grabbed the edge of the door and shook his head, “You don’t want to make this mess. It’ll affect you as bad as me. Can’t we avoid that?”

“You should’ve thought about that before bringing me here.”

She grabbed the doorknob and pulled from it so hard to close the door between them, that Darren had to step back from that unexpected and violent movement. He heard the sound of her high heels estranging through the hall. His stomach made a noise.

The warm beer started to kick in.

 

 ~

 

Caroline suspected something since the first night.

_There’s something wrong?,_ she had asked twice that day, but she didn’t insist any longer. There was no way of pushing Lauren to say something she hadn’t decided to share.

But when she confirmed it, during class, almost five days later, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. The door of the auditorium opened almost half an hour into improv class, while they were gathering together in groups, Lauren turned her head around and looked back to the front like if she just tried to stare right into the sun; and after Darren walked past them with tense shoulders, Caroline looked –first at him, walking towards the other side of the room; and then at her friend, whose eyes were avoiding everything. She whispered quietly:

“So, what’s going on?”

She could almost feel the upcoming vague and stupid answer.

“Nothing.”

“You guys just decided to ignore each other for no apparent reason?” She was glad the class was noisy enough to let her ask the next question out loud. “Did something happen at the New Year’s party? You know, I’ll probably find out anyway if you don’t tell me.”

Lauren shook her head, “It just happened what it was meant to happen: it ended. Come on, you could imagine that it wouldn’t last since the start.” She explained, and her eyes glanced at his figure for only a second, in what it was almost instinctive. “We’re too different.”

“Did Darren do something?” Caroline wouldn’t conform with that explanation. She wanted to know the facts.

And it’s not that Lauren didn’t trust her. It wasn’t that at all. It was just that confessing about everything that went down (and what she assumed it went down) would make it too real, and she wasn’t ready to endure that. Maybe if she kept it to herself, it’d only consume tiny pieces of her and nobody would notice.

“He didn’t do anything, besides being who he is.” _And hanging out with the people he hangs out, and doing what they do._

Caroline first rolled her eyes out of exasperation, and –like if she remembered the situation- she squeezed her elbow and said softly:

“Whatever it is, I’m sorry.” She grinned before adding cheekily, “Good news is, you’re free this Saturday to hang out with me. There’s live music at the Hard Rock Café.”

Lauren grinned back through the next three seconds before the teacher started to give new indications for the next activity, and everyone could focus on something else. Her friend’s invitation didn’t genuinely sound that bad –while dating Darren she started to get used to hang out and be outside around people every once in a while.

 

~

 

It took her barely a week to realize that tutoring was sort of therapeutic for her. She entertained herself with social interaction that made her feel useful. Besides, she was good at it, and her mentees would look up to her for advices about the academic institutions she managed by first hand.

So she walked out of the classroom later in the evening than what she was used to, because a freshman wanted to clear a doubt that was difficult to explain hurriedly, and the boy didn’t catch the subtlety of her constant glances at the hour in her phone. She forced a polite goodbye while he walked towards the opposite part of the hall, and she precipitated her steps faster through the now empty quiet halls of the university while her thumb dialed a number.

“Mom? I know I said I’d call you earlier, but I couldn’t make it.” She said, opening the door of the building and feeling the fresh wind on her face. It got dark earlier than usual during that time of the year. She grimaced shortly, starting her ten minute walk to her place. “And I can’t really talk right now, I just wanted to make you know it’s all right. Don’t worry about it. It’s all good there with you?”

Her mother sighed –Lauren knew she couldn’t even help it- before explaining the usual drawbacks she had with her clients during work. The story quickly got monotony, and she could feel it becoming background noise as a bike passed next to her, too fast to give her time to recognize the rider. But she did know it wasn’t Darren, because she’d be able to tell it was him. It was probably one of his friends, but she couldn’t avoid for the memory of him to fall back on her mind.

She swallowed thick, without realizing she was interrupting her mother’s story:

“Hey, mom, listen. Remember when you talked to me about Michael’s case the other day?”

“Of course. I explained that to you a million times, Lauren.”

“Um, yeah, it’s just that I want to really get to know him, since- you know, he was interested in me during the Christmas’ party.” That was just one lie followed by other, because neither did Michael would consider dating her, and least of anything she’d ever want to get close to him. She didn’t know if what she was told about him was true, but she didn’t need it to be to clearly tell he wasn’t someone she wanted to have around.

“You’re finally thinking straight, honey…” Her mother sounded content, but Lauren didn’t let her continue.

“I know, but listen… what is his case about? He’s being accused of something, right?”

“Well, darling, he wouldn’t need a lawyer otherwise.” The politeness in her tone came out a bit mean, but Lauren almost didn’t notice.

“He’s guilty. Right?”

“You know I cannot give away that information, and least through the phone… He doesn’t mean any danger for you, if that’s what concerns you.” She sounded a little offended now, because she didn’t catch where Lauren’s questions were leading to.

Lauren rolled her eyes –lucky she couldn’t tell. _As if!_

“But you’re going to accuse someone else. That’s my point.”

“It’s what it takes.”

Basic law of her work. She knew it, but she didn’t want to hear it.

Lauren bit her lip, harder than what she intended to. “It’s not… it’s not anyone from here, Michigan’s University, right? Because –people know I’m your daughter. I don’t want to get in troubles.”

“This is so much bigger than you or whatever you’re thinking of, but you’re safe there, don’t ever doubt that.” The woman made a pause. “What is truly this about, Lauren?”

She was bad at lying, and her mom was suspecting something –she had her reasons to. She wasn’t determined on her decision enough to know if Darren was worth risking all she was risking with that conversation. She still wasn’t sure how he felt about him, so she ended the call with a fake excuse.

The truth is that she didn’t know Darren. She had no idea who he was. Was he the guy who made her smile between kisses, whose chest was always warm and disposed for her to rest in, and whose calm grip always brought her back to reality? Was he the one Michael or her mother could give a better description of? Or was he his friends, with nothing more in their minds but the preoccupation of finding a new party to crash on?

She only knew that he was messed up, but he didn’t know if that hard, complicated and obscure shell harbored a honest person who was trying to find his place on earth; or if it was the other way around. She couldn’t determine what part of her reality was shaped by her former opinion.

 And she knew it was something that was further from her reach then, yet she felt that uncommon urge to protect him.

 

 ~

 

“You know who’s here?” Caroline whispered, leaving her jacket at the back of the chair, and taking a seat next to Lauren. “That guy Joe Walker.”

Lauren left her purse on the table, in front of her, and dragged the chair a bit to get closer.

“You can go talk to him if you want, but I don’t recommend it.”

“A suggestion: A true friend would volunteer to introduce us.”

Lauren straightened up her back, since imagining that scenario almost provoked a chill down her spine. She made an effort to continue with that conversation naturally.

“A suggestion: Forget about that.”

“Come on, you know him. Who cares if you’re ignoring Darren? They probably have done the same at some point. Life goes on.”

Julia cut off her chat with Dylan and one of their friends to defend Lauren, “Leave her alone, it’s been a week.” Lauren was going to clear up that she was doing completely fine –which wasn’t as true as she’d wish. She was okay; she didn’t feel like not getting out of the bed every morning or like getting drunk until she passed out. She just wasn’t as good as she was when she was with Darren, but that was something she was far from admitting. Julia stood up, “I invite the drinks, let’s go.”

While they walked to the little crowd pushing each other at their side of the bar, Lauren peeked at the stage of the café, they were finishing making the last adjustments to the music equipment and Nick was repeating a few words to check the sound. According to Dylan, a few of their friends from senior year were going to open the show, and there’d probably be karaoke later.

“Ugh, this girl’s been chatting with the barman for over five minutes.” Julia complained, whilst Lauren wasn’t paying much attention. “Excuse me, can you move?”

The girl turned around so harshly that they thought she was going to punch Julia, but her expression changed abruptly when she recognized Lauren next to her, first to shock and then to joy.

Lauren’s face couldn’t disguise the surprise as well, and she could barely react when the girl placed a hand on her arm, “Lo, hey!”

“Rachel.” Her tongue finally responded. She was the least person she thought she’d see. “I wasn’t expecting to find you here.”

“Yeah, I came with some- um, friends.” The unsaid name was obvious, but she continued quickly. “How are you?”

“I’m good, good.” Repetition didn’t make it sound more honest, but she added, “This is Julia. Julia, Rachel.”

“Hi.” Her friend looked uncomfortable by the sudden change of roles. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

Rachel’s red lips folded in a charming laugh as she shook her head, “It’s fine. You were right, I’m blocking the way.” And with this, she left room for Julia, and turned to Lauren again while she bought the drinks. “I’m glad to see you. You look great.”

“Thanks, you too.” Lauren replied, and this _was_ honest because so far she had never met her while she _didn’t_ look like the lead singer from a 90s all-girl rock band. “I’ll see you around.”

Rachel gave the girl a kiss on the cheek before walking back to her table with the ice container with the champagne. The band finally started playing, and she had to raise her voice to be heard over the sound of that slow indie song.

“What if I told you” She said, pulling the cork from the bottle in a second with a loud click, “the girl you’ve been crying about the entire week is in this room?”

“He’s had her around during four classes and she acts like if he doesn’t exist anymore. What does that tell _you_?” Joe grabbed the bottle and started to serve the cold, foaming liquid in their glasses.

“Ugh, he couldn’t even defend himself from the crying accusation. It’s killing me.” Rachel sadly admitted while she drank from her glass.

Darren gave her a sarcastic smile. “I have a plan.”

Apparently, Devin either sympathized with him or failed in her attempt to screw everything up, because neither Joe nor Lauren knew about what happened the other night after he leaved Joe’s, and that was enough for him.

None of this was a surprise. He knew Lauren was coming, he had known days before and confirmed it when he saw her walking in with tight jeans and a beige peacoat. He kept it a secret the moment of fruition in which he sorted it all out, but there’d be time for that later, if everything went correctly.

“Sounds spicy.” Rachel messed with him, grinning. “What can you possibly do? You can’t do anything besides riding a bike and… _singing_?” She looked at the stage, the indie band wasn’t really that good and it was strange since the café had a good reputation and they usually brought people who knew what they were doing. _Could it be?_ Her jaw dropped in surprise for a second before she claimed eagerly, “Please, tell me I’m right because I’ve gotta fucking get this on tape.”

“I can’t wait until you embarrass yourself in front of a hundred people.” Joe said excitingly.

“Do you really think this is going to work with someone like Lauren?” Rachel asked, unsure. She didn’t seem the type of girl who loved the attention on herself or something as cheesy as a serenate.

“What do I have to lose?” Darren shrugged, resigned.

“Reputation.”

“Self respect.”

Darren ignored his friends’ instant answers and took a few sips of champagne, “Wait and see.”

He pretended more confidence than what he believed to have, but he could keep that secret to himself, too.


	14. Stutter

**Chapter 14: Stutter**

“Are you nervous?”

Darren wasn’t going to answer anything coming from Rachel as long as she held that silly, childish attitude, which he discerned since the start it was only to bother him.

“ _Cute._ ” She replied to herself in response to the assumption of his silence. She kept bandying gazes with Joe and he felt he didn’t have time or patience for that.

The band was finishing their last song and he was about to go upstage. Was he ready? Not at all, but he was going to do it anyway. It was one of those _take it or leave it_ instances, he either took the shot or moved on.

He wasn’t expecting to do this five days before. He was angry at Lauren. But not _angry_ -angry, more like disappointed-angry.  More like _I didn’t expect you to be like this_ , which was rare since he didn’t really expect anything from her when it all started.

The revelation came to him after Devin left. His phone announced he had a new text, but the only thing it read was _what’s up?_ He threw the beer away –it was disgusting at that point- and almost didn’t reply because despite it usually was fun to talk to a stranger, he felt shitty enough to avoid it right then; but instead and by causality he sent a harsh _who are you?_

He was glad he did it.

_I’m Caroline. I wanted to talk with you about something._

Lauren wanted space? Great. He wouldn’t get one step closer to her. Not anymore. She made clear she didn’t want him to, and Caroline agreed with him about that. _I know Lauren_ , she said, _she can be stubborn but there’s a way to get her attention_.

There was a clamor when he got onstage. Not deafening, but loud enough to work as an encouragement. He started by playing a cover of Michael Bublé’s “Feeling good”, and fifty feet away, Lauren rested her back on the chair, complaining with a loud voice, since the table seemed to be suddenly captivated by the music.

“So, to forget about Darren, you brought me to one of his concerts. Perfect.”

“I had no idea, Lauren, I’m so sorry.” Her apology didn’t fit neither her grin or her fake tone. Lauren gave her a killer glance.

“I might just leave.”

Caroline grabbed her arm as soon as she moved a hair.

“Please, don’t.” She asked, “Just stay a bit more, and if it gets too weird, we’ll go somewhere else.”

Lauren considered the offer.

“Five minutes.” She conceded.

“That’s more than enough.” Caroline let her arm free, smiling; internally wishing the first song didn’t last long.

Darren’s gaze was right into the horizon, away from their table. He was managing quite greatly the cover of a classic song with an acoustic guitar, and it was obvious the people liked it. She already knew he wasn’t a bad musician at all, but that didn’t mean she wanted to watch him play for half an hour in the state their relationship was.

His expression exposed how he connected deeply with the songs; it was actually kind of distracting. She found herself looking at his face more than what she’d like to admit; and she was glad it was dark and no one was paying attention to her.

He drank from his bottle of water once he finished the song; the people clapped and there was a particular corner at the other side of the bar that was cheering stridently. He took about ten seconds to adjust his guitar’s strings, and there was a subtle grin on the corner of his lips when he walked to the microphone again and said after taking in a long breath:

“This next song is kind of special. It just got out of the oven, but it can’t wait anymore.” He looked down for a second, like a kid about to perform a mischief, “This song goes for Lauren… Lauren Lopez. You know her, right?” He grinned to himself, like if saying that was completely normal, and then he added, “You should.”

She could tell the exact second when her blood froze; eyes widened and her jaw dropped a bit to let out the last molecule of air in her organism. There was a babble, and at least a dozen of eyes stared right at her for a long moment; and she’d have felt extremely embarrassed if it hadn’t hit her like a commotion. She felt in a numb shock, like a spectator of the situation. Did he really just say that?

“What –what is he doing?” She asked lowly, emotionless. She couldn’t move, or say anything else. She just couldn’t.

Caroline looked at her with a proud smile, but she didn’t say a thing neither.

Darren looked at her for two seconds, too, before starting to play with a sudden strike of chords. He had found her eyes so easily.

_Remember that time?_

_When you wouldn't talk to me?_

_No, you wouldn't talk to me, all night._

_Remember that song?_

_And all the words we'd sing?_

_Well here's a song I sing, all right._

His voice was strong. Not exceedingly loud, but you’d have to make an effort to focus on something else. She sensed a tinge of resentment, but she didn’t know if that was just her brain playing a bad trick. It was still too soon to tell.

_Remember that way?_

_How you'd never lie to me,_

_'Cause you'd never lie to me, no way._

_You could be faking it,_

_My god, don't be like that._

_I don't like the way you act_

_Around me._

_So, baby, come on, come on..._

He gave a step backwards when the rhythm of his guitar speed up for a moment, sort of lining onwards. His hair flipped when he stood up straight for the chorus, and this time she confirmed the feeling of grudge on his voice.

_Oh, don't you tell me no,_

_There you go again…_

_You're ten out of ten,_

_Sorry, did I just s-stutter?_

_Won't tell you what you know,_

_There you go again…_

_You were never my friend,_

_You were never my-_

_You were never my lover, no._

She gulped slowly. It was bizarre. She’d have never imagined to hear someone saying those things about her _that_ way. She distinguished quickly the lane of the song; it wasn’t innocent, it wasn’t romantic. And it was strange, but there was a part that made her feel all greedy and anxious.

_Remember that night?_

_When I saw you standing there?_

_Dark eyes and light hair,_

_It's just you._

_Remember the way?_

_How you were way out of line?_

_And I was way out of time,_

_For you…_

_And I got your number_

_Right next to your name_

_But it ain't no thing, no_

_No, it ain't enough…_

_And I've got your word, I know,_

_But it's all I'll get,_

_Trying to forget_

_Your kind of love._

Lauren couldn’t believe he was really singing about that, in front of everyone. Then she realized that no one but themselves knew what it was truly about. It was a very public gesture, but it was also intimate and secret on its way.

He went through the chorus again, and then his voice lowered and he stopped playing the guitar. He ran a hand through his hair, and slowly closed his eyes; a hand on the microphone stand. It was almost like if he wasn’t singing.

_I know you could be better,_

_Don't have to waste my time,_

_It's not like I need you more than_

_I need me and mine._

His voice rose again, but the intention on it was different now.

_But I know that you want it,_

_Trying to get you on it._

_Baby, we could fuck the rights,_

_Turn around and wrong it._

_Spare me your convictions,_

_The promises you keep,_

_I've got a better proposition,_

_And the friction that you need._

Then he did it. He looked at her and their gazes crossed, it was only one second but it felt like if time became static.

_Don't you tell me that_

_You don't want to._

_Don't you tell me that_

_You don't want to._

Lauren could feel the heat coming from inside her stomach to her cheeks; and she didn’t even have the brains to remind herself how stupid was to feel like that, because she remembered the way he kissed her that night at the Huron River, his hands on her back pulling her closer, and the way she felt when he asked if she wanted to go back, and how much she wanted to say no.

_Oh, don't you tell me no,_

_'Cause there you go again._

_You're ten out of ten,_

_I'm sorry, d-did I just s-stutter?_

_Won't tell you what you know,_

_But this is the end,_

_You were never my friend,_

_You were never my-_

_You were never my lover!_

The cheers got at least twice as louder this time; which made Darren smile as he grabbed a hand towel from the stool behind him and ran it through his neck and face to clean the sweat.

He glanced again at Lauren’s table, hoping to see some sort of reaction –any reaction; and the smile faded out without having him noticing. Her seat was empty.

He realized he had to continue only after a few seconds; so he forced himself to forget the disappointment and he introduced the next cover.

“Lauren, wait!”

Caroline only reached her at the sidewalk. Her friend wouldn’t look at her and she seemed certainly disposed to leave.

 “What are you doing?” she yelled from the opening door.

“I’m going to catch a taxi. What does it seem?”

Caroline snorted. “Why?”

“I won’t stand people whispering behind my back for the rest of the night.”

Caroline walked to her, “You don’t wanna talk with Darren about what happened? Come on, that was amazing.”

Her response was delayed, and she continued to pretend to keep looking for a cab. “What’d I say to him?”

“How you feel.”

The pause was longer this time, but Lauren’s voice was weak. “I don’t know how the fuck I feel right now. That’s the problem.”

Caroline pressed her lips together, walking around her until she had no option but to look back at her.

“I think you do.” She said calmly. “But you’re afraid to front it.”

Lauren looked down, and she could almost see how she was trying to eat down her feelings.

“And you cursed.” She continued. “So it’s fucking serious.”

Lauren didn’t plan to laugh of that phrase, but she couldn’t hold it.

“Look, he’s playing a gig of like five songs. He’ll finish in a minute and you can go check up on him in the dresser and no one will be able to tell.”

Lauren finally looked at her, surprised. “How do you know all of this?”

She shrugged, hoping this would disguise the lie, “I talked with Joe earlier tonight.”

“Since when do you talk with Joe?”

“Since tonight.”

Lauren shook her head, avoiding to look at her when the reply came along, “Okay.”

They entered at the café again, but they stayed in the back, where the people who weren’t cool enough to sit and have a beer were getting crowded; this way they wouldn’t get anyone’s attention. Darren played two covers and one of his original songs, which that corner of girls joined during the chorus. And as Caroline said, he walked through the hall next to the bar with his guitar when he finished.

Lauren looked at her friend, in a tacit question, and she nodded eagerly.

“Go.”

She ran into Brian half in the way through the hall, and he grinned to himself. Lauren hated when they did that.

“Hey,” He said. “Darren’s in the room right there, to the right.” He pointed towards the door.

“Thanks. Good to see you, Brian.”

She smiled, and he patted her elbow while he continued walking out.

Lauren knocked three times.

“Come in.” The voice inside said carelessly.

Darren was sitting on a little table, probably meant for makeup. His expression gave away that she took him by surprise with this, but he didn’t say anything. He was waiting for her to talk first. And she didn’t make him wait for too long.

“What were you thinking?” Her voice came out calm, but strong enough to evidence she was confident and serious; as she closed the door behind her. “Have you lost your mind?”

He raised his eyebrows; and he spoke calmly as well. “Did you like it?”

She gave a few steps forward. He needed to know this was serious. She wasn’t messing around anymore.

“Do you think I like people making fun of me behind my back?”

He shook his head. “I doubt anyone is making fun of you.” At least, not for this.

“What could ever make you think I’d enjoy this?”

_Caroline_ , he almost said.

“I needed this.” He explained.

“What?”

“Talking to you.” He made a pause. “We need to talk about what happened that night.” Darren said gravelly. “Stop pretending you don’t.”

Lauren ran a hand through her face, swallowing a gulp, but she walked closer. It was true. She couldn’t keep avoiding it any longer; it was killing her from inside out.

“Okay.” She said, nodding. “Give me a second.”

Darren didn’t rush the talk. He even moved the chair next to him, in the case she wanted to sit down, but she didn’t accept it.

Lauren finally looked at him. She seemed considerably less upset than when she walked in.

“Where do we start?”

“I could use an explanation for the fact that you decided to completely ignore me just like that.”

Lauren bit her lip first; the words felt so heavy there, at the tip of her tongue.

“I felt really lost and confused about what happened.” She explained, her voice was quiet, but he had no problem hearing it. And he did carefully, because he knew that it wasn’t easy for her to say it. “And scared, of course. I didn’t know what to do, and had no one to blame it on. I’ve never been with someone who was so different to me and in a situation like that. It’s hard for me to put my trust in anyone whatsoever…I guess my way to deal with it was to swallow it in, and make you go away and pretend nothing ever happened.”

Darren took a moment before starting to talk, too.

“What you said that day… You didn’t give me an explanation, and it was like if you thought I could–” He stopped himself from saying whatever end that sentence had, “Like if I was your enemy. How do you think that made me feel? It hurt like hell; knowing you didn’t trust me, that you didn’t even know who I am. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

Lauren felt like crying, but she bit her lip and did the best to soak it up. It was never her intention to make him think that.

“I know, I know.” She replied quickly, trying to maintain the sense in her discourse. “I did trust you. I _do_ ; more than what I ever thought I’d trust someone. I never really believed it was your fault. I tried to, but I never genuinely bought it. But I just felt alone, and lost, and-”

“I wanted to be there for you! I’d support you through anything.” The rage of the first recrimination faded out quickly, and she found hard to hold the deep brown on his eyes looking back. “But I can’t do that if you keep pushing me away. Do you understand that?”

She could only nod at the kindness of his last question, and it hit her hard how much her brain and chest were craving to have that talk. It felt like if she took a massive weight off her shoulders. But she was still on the edge of crying; and she couldn’t talk for a moment.

“I’m so sorry for that night, Lo.” Darren continued, for a moment he looked down at his hands, his fingers were crossed over his lap. He shook his head, “Shit, if I knew something like that could happen, I’d have never taken you there. Or paid attention to those idiots half block away. Or… I don’t know. Anything I could’ve done to avoid it.”

“I’m sorry for repeatedly shutting you out. Weirdly, you’re the honest one from both of us.”

Darren grinned. He jumped from the table he was sitting on, and this way he was surreptitiously close to her, and she could feel all the tension building up around them.

“You okay?” He whispered, looking at her. “I mean, with… everything.”

“Yeah, it’s just…”

She had been holding it for so long, a few tears came out quietly without her permission. And Darren’s arms were around her, pulling her in a gentle embrace; and she realized she really missed this, too. She had been repressing the urge to cry, but she felt free after the tears came out; he didn’t make her feel embarrassed or anything similar.

Lauren rested her chin on his shoulder. She didn’t sob, neither continued crying; she had vent it all in words.

They stayed like that for a moment. Darren closed his eyes, trying to convince himself that it was really happening.

“So, did you like it?” Darren asked once she pulled away.

“What?” She didn’t get what he was talking about at first; she almost forgot that they were at the café and that this was actually their first talk after quite a few days.

“The song.” He cleared, like if that was obvious.

She giggled shortly; realizing all the reasons she had to be upset vanished in ten minutes. “ _Jesus_.” She let out, “I don’t know. It was unexpected. It’s a good song, it’s just that it was…” She hoped him to assume the end of the phrase, but he just raised his eyebrows waiting for her to continue. “ _You know_ , sort of erotic. I never thought you’d write a song for me, and less one like that. It was weird having all those people hearing that. But it was…”

“Hot?”

“Kind of, yeah.” She grinned, hoping the rose in her cheeks wasn’t that obvious; but the smile of pride on his face said the contrary. “Don’t ever do it again.”

“Only if we can be honest with each other from now on.” He stated lowly.

“I’ll start.” Lauren said, placing a hand on Darren’s chest while he leaned towards her. He only stopped in the verge of crushing his nose against hers. She didn’t complain. “I hated the whole _don’t-know-what-we-are_ thing. I’m more of a relationship person, so if you truly want me it has to be that way.”

The tone of pretension finally made appearance through that half-smile, “Are you saying you want me to be your boyfriend?”

“Do you think you can do that?” She asked, unsure. Darren and serious relationship almost seemed like an oxymoron.

“Oh, you have no idea.” Darren said and instantly broke the distance between them with a sweet, slow kiss, and she closed his eyes and for a moment she didn’t care that the entire university knew it.

He grabbed her jaw and lifted it a bit with his thumb and index finger; and he kissed her for a while, and he didn’t even seem to have heard the door opening behind Lauren.

“Oh, sorry.” Rachel said from the door, although the smile on her face didn’t seem to apologize. Joe was behind her. “I think you’ve got better plans now, but we’ll be at Brian’s, if you wanna go.”

Darren cut the kiss, but he didn’t even let go her jaw or waist while he replied, “I’ll see what I’ll do, if not I’ll catch you guys later.”

“Sure, see ya.” Rachel replied quickly, closing the door.

“So, what do you wanna do?” Darren asked, his fingers gently caressing the side of her neck. Lauren closed her eyes for a few seconds. “Wanna go to my place? No pressure, but I’ll have to sing again if you say no.”

She giggled, “There’s no need to. But it’ll be really embarrassing for me to leave with you just because you sang a song. What will people think?” The sarcasm in her voice was obvious.

“I got it covered.” He said, grabbing her hand to lead her through the back door.

They rode in Darren’s bike to his place. Lauren rested her head on his back, eyes closed, wind whipping her hair. She felt way more liberated, but she wasn’t happy. Not yet. There still were unsaid words, unresolved issues, and unanswered questions.

But this was a start.

They shared a sandwich he found in the fridge, and twenty minutes later, she was sitting on his bed, rubbing her hands against her skinny jeans; Darren getting out of the bathroom.

“I talked to my mom the other day.” Lauren said, “I tried to get some info about Michael. I didn’t succeed, but I’ll keep trying. She must know everything about it.”

She had been wanting to talk about that really hard too. It was something that always was in the back of her head, making her wonder if he was really safe, and how long would that last, even if it wasn’t her responsibility.

“You don’t need to worry about me.” Darren said, sitting down next to her. He grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers, “I’ll be fine.”

He didn’t know if he’d be fine, but he did know he wanted Lauren as far from that as it was possible.

“Just be careful, okay?” The sweet tone disappeared as she rolled her eyes, “I feel like I’m asking an elm tree to give me apples.”

Darren giggled. “I’ll do my best.”

He leaned closer to kiss her again, this time without the concern of the door opening or an interruption ruining the moment.

_And he kisses her. He kisses her for a long time._

Until the tiredness took over and fingers trembled and mouths reached for air. It kinda surprised him that he didn’t need to ask her what she wanted to do, the implication that it had been a very emotional loaded day was enough, so he handed her an old t-shirt, and focused all of the moral sense he had into avoiding to peek at the place where she was changing her clothes.

Then he covered her with the sheet, otherwise he might just not be capable of staying on his senses; but he kissed her again because it was still hard to believe that she was genuinely there, next to him, grinning half into the kiss.

Darren was lying on his side, next to her, his hand sliding through her rib cage, eyes almost closed.

“You’re tired.” Lauren observed, looking at him. She gently pressed her fingertips on his eyelids, slowly closing them like if he was a corpse. “Sleep.” She whispered; her voice throaty indicating that she was exhausted as well. “I promise nothing will change when you wake up.”

He didn’t admit that it was probably because he hadn’t been able to rest properly until that moment.

“I’ve missed you.” He said, instead.

Lauren rolled over her tummy, sinking the side of her head into the pillow and looking at him. A strand of hair fell over her face.

“Me too.” She softly placed a finger on his lips. “Sleep,” she repeated.

He felt like his eyes and brain obeyed her voice, and he almost couldn’t wait for the next morning, the sunlight on her hair, voice raspy and quiet, fingers playing lightly with the curls above his ear.

And it felt like placing a pencil at the margin of a blank page.

 


	15. When he met her

**Chapter 15: When he met her**

“Let it count as a first date.” Darren stated, a week later after their reconciliation at the Hard Rock Café, handing her the cinema billboard program. He pointed at _The Dark Knight_ schedule, which was conveniently close, and she wondered if he had schemed that on purpose when he settled up the timing to meet up.

“ _First_?” Lauren snapped, frowning, thinking about the plenty of times they had been together before and querying why they didn’t count.

“Yeah, you never really, um – _allowed_ me, to take you on a date before.” Darren explained.

“Oh,” Lauren pretended to examine the options in the schedule, but she wasn’t truly thinking about them, “Right.”

“But I’ve passed all the obstacles by now, didn’t it?” He said with a smirk, proudly raising an eyebrow and Lauren wished that analogy wasn’t so accurate. They gave a few steps forward in the waiting line.

“You certainly did.” Her eyes stopped for a second in the ad for _27 dresses,_ the movie that Caroline had suggested her to watch. “Still don’t know how.”

Darren leaned into her ear to confess lowly, “I cheated.”

Lauren’s giggle was mildly covered by a sudden buzz of voices behind them. Darren turned his head without not too much discretion. “Looks like we have audience,” he observed.

Lauren didn’t need to check on the origin of those whispers to confirm her suspicions, “It’s been like this since last week’s Saturday.” Darren could easily detect the disturbance in her voice. “It seems like your little fan club has targeted me, and they do _that_ every time one of us does something.”

But Darren’s complaint came from another place, “ _Little_ fan club?” He snapped his tongue once and purposely added, “My website would prove differently.”

Even within the joke, it was clear that having people commenting about his life was more of a compliment than an annoyance, and that he enjoyed the voyeurism of the group spying their date. It was completely the opposite for her, but maybe she’d make out with him just to make them lose their minds, completely out of selfish reasons, of course.

“So, what should we watch?”

Lauren handed the program back to him, “You should pick the movie. I’ve forced you through like eight movies you hated. It’s your turn.”

Darren looked genuinely surprised as they gave a few more steps closer to the ticket office. “Lauren Lopez. Are you actually considering me your equal?”

“Oh, shut up.” She said, not deciding to laugh but doing it anyway.

“But you know what I like the most about us now?” Darren said, his hands sliding from her hipbones to her waist and pulling her just a bit closer, “That you do that a lot.”

“I do _what_?” Lauren asked, smiling curiously.

“Laugh.” He explained. His index finger placed gently under her jaw, at the side of her chin, and his thumb crossed the corner of her lip as he said that, “You do that much more now. I think I can get used to it.”

Darren gave her a soft kiss on the lips, and the supposedly fan club began another session of whispers.

“Not everyone can get out this side of me. You’re permitted to feel special.” Lauren confessed, playing with the zip of his jacket, without letting that momentary intimacy be crumbled by the people watching them.

“I have more than enough reasons to.”

“Excuse me,” a voice intruded. “I’m so sorry to bother you guys, but can you please take a picture with us?”

It was a young, black-haired girl with two friends, and Lauren was sure they were part of the spying group. Despite she said she was sorry like five times through the whole process, it didn’t make her feel less inadequate and out of place.

Their turn to buy the tickets arrived in that much less adequate moment, so Lauren bought two tickets for _The Dark Knight_ and waited for Darren at the side of the waiting line.

“Sorry about that,” he said once he approached her, though he really didn’t seem to be.

“It’s alright.” Lauren replied, while they walked to the line for the actual show. “Sometimes I forget you’re not –um, _normal_ people.”

Darren frowned and looked at her, “I am, except for a very restricted little group of persons.”

“I thought it wasn’t little.” Lauren added cheekily.

Darren laughed and grabbed her hand, “Okay, you got me there in my false modesty.” He shook his head, “How much did the tickets cost?”

“It’s okay, it’s on me.” Lauren casually explained, shaking her head.

“No, really. I pay.” Darren’s insistence wasn’t casual. “Lauren.” He called again, after getting no response for a few seconds.

 “Why is it so important?”

“Because it’s our first date, and I _want_ to.” It sounded like a serious matter to him. Even more, after he had dropped her hand and gotten suddenly tense.

Lauren assumed it was some stupid man pride reason, so she rolled her eyes and let him pay before the night got ruined.

It should’ve been her first clue.

 

 ~

 

 

“Okay,” Lauren couldn’t keep ignoring Caroline, so she closed her Macbeth copy and placed it on her lap. “That’s the third time you giggle like a freak in the last ten minutes. Who are you talking to?”

Caroline was studying (or at least pretending to) on the table, and while her notes and books did were spread all over the surface, she was paying more attention at the constant ringtone of her cellphone. Lauren couldn’t hold the intrigue anymore.

“Why should I tell you?” Caroline defiantly said, “I’m the last one you tell absolutely everything. Do you know how much dignity I lost having to hear things about you and Darren from _Brian Holden?_ ” she dramatically snapped, and Lauren snorted in response.

“That’s not fair. You _love_ to talk about these things, come on.”

Caroline’s grin escaped in the corner of her lips. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the truth either way.”

Lauren raised her eyebrows. “Who is it?”

“Guess.” Caroline challenged.

Lauren bit her lip. She was terribly at this, she knew it. “Nick?”

The redheaded rolled her eyes, annoyed at her friend’s ineptness. “No.”

“That guy from improv class? Jake?”

“No. He talked to me the other day, though. He needed help with some exam and I recommended him your mentorship. He’s cute, actually, just not my type.”

“Who’s your type, then?” Lauren was genuinely curious now.

“You’ll _never_ guess who it is.” Caroline’s tone even sounded kind of disappointed to not have the chance of talking about this.

“Rick Glennan?” Lauren threw a name haphazardly now.

Caroline made a pause. “Warm… but no.”

Lauren had never felt so clueless and anxious before. She felt she had it at the tip of her tongue but didn’t actually know it yet.

“Brian Holden?”

“You know, I don’t think he plays for my team…”

Lauren looked around like if she could find a hint around her. Unfortunately, her phone started ringing and she had to interrupt the conversation.

“Hey.”

“Baby.” Darren’s voice sounded disappointed. “I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to cancel tonight. I just went to get a grade from Introduction to Dramaturgy, and I fucked up. They’re giving me a last chance tomorrow, but I _got_ to pass this. So I’m staying up all night studying.”

They were supposed to have dinner that night, since there were a lot of exams coming up for the next weeks and they knew they’d have to straiten their time together, but this would mean an early beginning of that period they didn’t want to reach.

“Don’t worry,” Lauren assured, “How did it happen you failed Introduction when you’re doing so well at Dramaturgy?”

“I didn’t study these authors in Los Angeles. I didn’t give the subject the sufficient time. Enough explanations for you, miss?” He snapped.

Everyone in the class were highly impressed of him since Mrs. Wood asked him while she thought he was daydreaming staring to the window (and he was) something about Molière’s absurdism, and he blinked a few times saying _what?_ above the giggles of the classroom, then Mrs. Wood expressed the question again, and he gave a perfect 2 minute long answer that leaved everyone, including the professor, speechless, before she reacted with a grin of approval. Every once in a while ever since, she’d ask his opinion just for pure curiosity and to spice the class’ environment; and he never failed her showing his substantiated, though sometimes controversial responses.

Lauren laughed, “Honesty first. Which authors do you have there?”

“A bunch. But Freytag and Lessing, basically.”

“Huh.” Lauren analyzed thoughtfully before adding, “You know, I passed Introduction last year.”

“Huh.” Darren let out, surprised, but his hesitation was longer than Lauren’s. “Are you offering to…?”

Lauren sighed, faking commitment, “You know, as a tutor, it’s my duty to help my fellow students.”

But Darren ignored this, “Oh god, if you could help me, I’d love you so much. This is a total mess for me.”

“I’ll buy food in the way.”

“You’re _the best_.” Darren sounded vividly happy now.

Lauren grinned, standing up, “I know. See you in a moment.”

Caroline was doing some actual studying when Lauren walked by her.

“So, giving up?” Caroline asked.

_“Mm?!”_ Lauren inquired from inside of her room.

Caroline rolled her eyes, “Oh, forget it.”

 

 ~

 

 

Lauren left the pizza on Darren’s table and he planted a hard, excessively affectionate, grateful kiss on her cheek.

“You’re my savior.”

Lauren pushed him by the stomach, playfully, “Get off me. Where are your notes?”

They gave one first fast reading of the material while eating the pizza, at the table. Then Darren sat alone, by the couch, reading his handwritten notes while Lauren checked at hers from last year and tried to understand the old doodles and decoding what they were exactly about.

Darren talked only after five minutes, “Okay, I got nothing. You?”

“How can you have _nothing_?”

“Do you really wanna know? I wrote like… fifteen unfinished songs, and made like ten obscene drawings. There’s probably one of you if you let me inquire.”

Lauren put her feet on the chair next to her to be more comfortable. “I don’t want to know that. Also, you’re gross.”

He threw his head back as a laugh vibrated in his vocal chords, “I’m kidding,” He added, entertained, “Those are in my other notepad.”

Two and a half hours later, they were doing the second reading, sifting out the most important points. Both in the couch, lying against opposite sides of the armrest, legs slightly intertwined every now and then. Now that Lauren had made memory of the material, teaching Darren didn’t mean a big effort. He was quick to catch most of the basic items, intelligently entailing all together in the bigger picture, and sometimes even making her see things she hadn’t noticed during the entire semester she attended the class.

“So, if you had to epitomize the denouement in one line, which one would be?” Lauren asked, after reading her old exam in which they made that same question.

 “Um, in Oedipus it’s the last line, obviously.” He skimmed through his book for a few seconds, until he landed the tip of his index finger on a page, _“Let every man in mankind's frailty consider his last day; and let none presume on his good fortune until he find life, at his death, a memory without pain.”_ He looked at Lauren and rolled his eyes, “Drama queen.”

“Literally,” Lauren conceded. She turned the page of her old exam, “Good.” She stated. “Same assignment. Anagnorisis.”

“Um,” Darren said again, like he had to switch a control inside of his brain. “Follows the messenger’s revelation –I mean, peripety… It’s an internal one… when the dude goes…” Lauren kicked his knee at the exceeding informality of his response. “ _Ouch_ , okay, the dude doesn’t go anything.” He flipped back the pages until he found the line, _“I stand a wretch, in birth, in wedlock cursed. A parricide, incestuously, triply cursed._ Although we all knew it since the beginning because literally everyone said it, Oedipus believed it just now and it changed him. His, um – _fate_ , changes. He realizes his true identity in like, five minutes, and he goes from an arrogant dick to a miserable, incestuous, _literal_ mother-fucker.”

“I’d avoid the curses, but it’s correct.” Lauren sentenced with a smile.

Darren grinned, “It’s kinda like your movie. This.”

Lauren raised her eyebrows, “Which movie?”

“When Harry met Sally.” Darren continued, “When she realizes she’s in love with the guy. She’s been in love with him, you know, for like a goddamn long time because –how much does that movie lasts anyway?”

Lauren held a laugh, carefully listening, “Go to you point.”

“Well, he’s given her this long, dramatic speech confessing his love, and she genuinely tries to say she hates him because she thinks she does, because it’d be tragically horrible if she loved him, but then…”

“They kiss.” Lauren finished. She could easily replay the scene in her head.

“Exactly. Fate changes.”

“And it’s not a tragedy.”

“No.” Darren stood up and stretched his spine and shoulders, which seemed to have contracted after that long time still. He yawned and added with a thin voice, “But it’s a movie.”

Lauren pressed her lips together. Despite the last statement seemed to dismiss the whole relevancy of her point about the movie sessions, that evidenced he truly paid attention to the films.

“I’m gonna make coffee,” Darren said, walking to the stove dragging his feet.

It was late, and tiredness and excessive talking started to break havoc in them.

“You’re brilliant.” Lauren let out with admiration. She stood up and followed him, resting her elbows against the kitchen’s counter, and looking at him. “You know, if you weren’t so fucking lazy you’d be one of the best students in the university.”

It was true. The professors of the performance related subjects were fascinated with him, he always not only filled their expectances, but he surprised them by exploring more than what he was asked for. Creativity and nerve are qualities very admired in the theatre industry, and they let him know he was meant for big every time they had the chance. The teachers were always offering him to take a part in their plays (which he’d mostly politely decline), and Lauren never really understood how all of this seemed to be so indifferent for him.

Darren looked at her with the same curiosity, after lighting the burner, “I’m not lazy, actually. I’m just… apathetic to most of this. I grew up in intimate contact with the spectacle world. By this time… I don’t rely on academic success for gratification, or my future, or any interest, actually.”

Lauren felt suddenly at the defensive. She stood up straight like if this’d make her seem bigger, a hand on her waist and the other one tapping the counter.

“What are you trying to say?”

“Honey…” He said sweetly, giving a step towards her so they were really close, and he paced a hand on her hip, “Look, you’re doing amazingly at this career, and you’ll finish it and someone from this same institution or by recommendation will offer you a position in the Academia right away, and you’ll fit perfectly, which it’s great. For you. But that could never make _me_ happy.”

Lauren could see where he was coming from, but she couldn’t help but to snap at the comment. So she added firmly, “You’re wrong about me.”

For her world, the only decision of choosing that career was rebellious. She didn’t follow the institutions she had been meant to follow since the day she was born, and that was liberating enough for her.

“Maybe.” Darren shrugged, calmed, like if it wasn’t really that big deal. “We haven’t known for that long, I’m just making a biased hypothesis.”

“Besides, if you’re so unsatisfied with convenialities, you should do something about it. Is not studying for your exams going to change the world as you know it?” Lauren’s words came out with such determination they seemed rehearsed.

Darren laughed, seeming highly entertained with the conversation, “I just think institutions are inherently trapping by themselves, you know? They’re _always_ gonna get the change last. And that’s why they’re boring to me.”

“The revolution comes from the outside, not from the inside, then?” Lauren rested her head on the palm of her hand, and she didn’t bother to hide the irony and defiance on her words.

Darren got even closer, so she’d feel his body casually (and at the same time completely on purpose) grazing hers, suddenly intimate. And his voice came out quieter, clearly audible in the deep silence of the room.

“I’d never word it like that, but if that’s your perspective on it, I’ll take it.” His hand ran through her waist, playing carelessly with the shape of her spine peeping out under her shirt. “Are you secretly a rebel?”

Lauren closed her eyes when she felt Darren’s warm breath on her ear. She put an arm around his waist as well, and pulled him closer, almost instinctively. Darren took this as a hint to gently press his forehead against the side of her head, his nose against her cheek.

“You’d be surprised.”

Darren bit his lip. His hand was slowly, temptingly going up, like if he was joining invisible dots traced on her pores, until he reached the bra under her shirt. She thought he’d unzip it and felt like not breathing for a moment. But he just ran it down again, this time strongly, his hand spreading to touch more skin. Darren’s skin was warm, and his grip was soft but determined, like if he had touched her like that before and he knew all the right places to make her lose her mind.

Lauren arched her back out of an unnamed anxiety, when she fell into the count that her chest would be against his if she did it so, but it was too late. She felt Darren gulping heavily.

“Where?” It was a whisper and she wished she couldn’t notice the subtle and dirty hidden meaning of that conversation, but she did and it was making her all loose and weird.

Darren’s lips closed on his jaw, sucking it for a short moment. She heard her own breathing as the loudest noise in the room, yet she couldn’t do anything to stop it. For what it was only the fraction of a second, she imagined that Darren sucked and touched every single part of her body.

Worse: she wanted him to.

And she didn’t need to open her eyes to know Darren was looking at her when he repeated, “ _Where_ are you a rebel?”

It took all of her strength and willpower to open her eyes. She fixed her gaze on his and hoped this would tell enough.

“Lo,” he called sweetly. Lauren realized he really knew how to use that tone when he intended to.  He was still so _fucking_ close, but he stopped his caresses. His voice was serious now, “Are you a virgin?”

She wet her lips slowly, and Darren assumed the sudden apathy in her eyes to be caused by shyness.

“No,” She answered lowly, and added after a pause, “Is that okay?”

Darren half-smiled, “It’s perfect.” He assured.

“Although,” Lauren continued before Darren kept on breathing in her ear, because this closeness made already hard enough to maintain her conviction, “I want to keep it slow for now. You know, until I can be more –sure, about us. What do you think?”

Darren nodded instantly, even though the hand on her lower back seemed to disagree. He tried to fix his mind in anything else that wasn’t her lips, or the brown in his eyes, or her boobs pressing against his chest, but it was so bloody difficult because everything in her was calling him. And he wanted to touch, and kiss, and discover what made her lose her head.

“Yeah,” He finally said, realizing they were probably too close to keep _anything_ slow. So he instead held Lauren’s hand that was placed on his waist, and intertwined his fingers with hers, “Of course.” The kettle whistled behind him while he was thinking what was he supposed to say now. _Thank God_ , he thought. The increasing tension was about to become uncomfortable. “Coffee?”

Two hours more of re-reading, and explaining, and asking took place after the coffee, this time with no distractions. Both were sitting on the floor, resting against the couch’s lower part, with the notes spread all over the floor in a mess Lauren wouldn’t have put up with Caroline, but Darren was in a desperate situation and she was too exhausted to worry about anything else. Her throat hurt from speaking too much and too loud, and Darren’s eyes were so tiny they could disappear at any minute.

“I give up.” He finally said, throwing the last paper to the pile and pushing it with his feet, like if he needed them to be very far away, “I can’t read a word more. I can’t learn anything else. My brain doesn’t have room for it.”

Lauren threw a yawn and then added, “You’ll be okay. You know everything they can possibly ask you. Let’s take a break.”

“Okay.” Darren hadn’t agreed to anything quicker before.

He laid his back on the cold floor, while Lauren climbed the couch as if she didn’t have the strength to do anything else.

“Give me a pillow.” Darren asked. “I’m not gonna sleep, I’m just gonna… rest my eyes for a moment.”

Something hinted Lauren that he wasn’t being honest, but she was so fucking tired she truly didn’t care. Anything would seem better after a five minutes nap; maybe ten. So she handed him a pillow and closed her eyes, only for a second…

 

~

 

“Darren! Fuck! What time do you have the exam?”

“What?” He ran his hand through his face, wondering a) why the fuck did Lauren have to yell so loud if he was sleeping so peacefully and b) what exam whatsoever?

“Your exam, Darren! We slept through! It’s  eight a.m.!”

“I –fuck, in fifteen minutes.”

“Shit, go wash your face or something, I’ll get your books. Hurry up!”

His heart raced in a moment as he tried to find balance while standing up. Lauren was searching through the mess of notes in the floor, her hair made a total mess to fit in; when he closed the bathroom door with a slam.

 

 ~

 

“Two minutes early, that was magic, I swear.” Lauren stated, both standing up at the door of the classroom.

“ _You’re_ magic. Thank you so much. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

Darren held her jaw while he gave her a kiss.

“You’re welcome. _Beacoup de merde_.” Lauren said with a smile.

Darren opened the door of the classroom, and gave her a quick wink before disappearing behind it. Lauren couldn’t wipe that smile off as easily as she did with everything else.

She hoped her change of fate wasn’t that soon. Things were going quite great just as they were.


	16. Mister Enigma and other discoveries

**Chapter 16: Mister Enigma and other discoveries**

Thank God Darren passed his exam (and with an Outstanding, of course, because in that _go big or go home_ philosophy it couldn’t be the other way), because otherwise Lauren would never forgive him the fact that she had missed her first class that day. But the entire first exam period of that year went quite good overall. She couldn’t complain, considering how many distractions there had been during and after the holidays.

Caroline continued to text mister Enigma occasionally, assuring Lauren that it was better to leave her with the benefit of the doubt, and then she stopped insisting into knowing that identity in hope that it was just some minor hookup with –ironically- some older guy she would never approve of.

Darren & Co, on the other hand, were getting everything ready for Michigan’s Hole return after the break, since things have been so incredibly peaceful during the last month it felt almost too good to last. Joey Richter, the guy that was helping them with the administration, as soon as Darren said, after Christmas, _I think I’m just gonna call it quits,_ went _dude –dude, if we keep going we can actually get money. Like, an actual considerable amount of money,_ and the way his widened eyes shined with what Darren defined as ambition were tempting him to get more involved on it than what he ever intended. But he still thought, despite Joey’s insistence, that the break was necessary until things quieted down. _Well, things quieted now, didn’t they?,_ and when Darren showed that text to Joe (whom he was in surprisingly good terms now that he went back with Lauren, as if the harmony had naturally restored back in its correct place, like three years ago when Darren was dating Devin and Joe was the indisputable master of everything else), he smiled as if he’s read Darren’s thoughts in an instant and said something like _about time_.

But, first things first. That time of the year came up, and the gang decided to gift Darren for his birthday what he loved the most: a _good_ party. Rick’s house, a fridge almost overflowing with lots of different types of alcoholic beverages as it was humanly possible, and a massive group text to all the people in their circle who could matter with almost instant confirmation of attendance.

_It’ll be_ fucking- _epic,_ Brian said, and the promiscuous excitement caused by the overconfidence of that statement was almost frightening.

“I don’t know if mister Enigma will be there, but you should definitely come with me,” Lauren suggested to Caroline, who was sitting on the counter while her roommate made a cake, not trying too hard to not get flour over her clothes because _why does she have to sit there while I’m cooking anyways?_

“I was hoping to get an invitation differently, but now that you _finally_ ask, I’m totally in.”

“I’m glad you’re offering to help me, too.”

“I wasn’t offering to-” Caroline’s pleading was interrupted when Lauren blew a fistful of flour on her face, “I should’ve known it was an ambush!” She claimed dramatically before snorting a bunch of flour from her mouth in return.

 

 

~

“Hey, Darren, catch it!” Joe yelled from the door, throwing the American football ball almost before finishing the warning.

He caught it in what it seemed a spasm, quickly getting his hands to the height of his face before he got a purple eye.

Rick pointed at both with his index fingers, warning seriously, “Hey! Put that back! The last time you did that in here, you were sober and you _still_ broke a lamp.”

“Daddy doesn’t let us play inside.” Darren rolled his eyes, walking to Joe and pushing the ball into Joe’s chest, who grabbed with a disappointed expression on his face.

“Oh, man…” He cried, walking back to the shelf.

It was a good thing that Darren was near the door when Lauren walked in, otherwise, it’d have been more than complicated to find him. A substantial group of people had just barged in before her and the sight as the course required pushing more than one unnecessary tall guy out of the way.

“Hey, birthday boy.” She called, smiling, as she wrapped a hand around his waist and gave him a kiss.

Darren smiled into the kiss, and he didn’t have time to greet back.

“We made you a cake!” Caroline said, thrilled, lifting a bit the tray to show it off.

“Are you serious?” Darren asked, eyes widening as he stared to the white and pink cake with a birthday message, and trying to remember when was the last time someone made one for him, “You guys are the best.” He added, honestly grateful, giving a kiss on the cheek to Caroline. “The kitchen is through here.”

They put the cake in the freezer for a while, and then walked back to the living room. Despite the house was absolutely crowded, the couches around the coffee table were destined to Darren’s closest friends, so without needing to introduce herself, she gave a general greeting to the group before sitting down between Darren and Caroline. Joe Walker, Jeff and Jim were in the couch on Caroline’s side, and Joey Richter, Rachel and Rick on Darren’s. She felt slightly worryingly in the center of everything for a bit.

Darren handed the girls a pair of glasses, and Lauren almost asked him if he remembered what happened the last time she drank at a party, but she felt it was the least appropriate time to bring that up, so instead she asked, pointing at the liquid, “What’s in this?”

“Um, vodka and orange juice.” Darren explained, but then he shook his head, “Don’t worry, I prepared it.”

“Oh, okay.”

He didn’t give her time to drink before asking, “I can get you something else if you want.”

“Don’t worry, it’s okay.” Lauren patted him on the arm to assure it.

Caroline jumped in, “Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll take her home if she ends up obscenely drunk, which would be pretty cool, actually.”

“We know it’s gonna be the other way around.” Lauren gave her a look.

“You can spend the night in here. We have two beds upstairs, these couches, and Rick said he’s got an air mattress ready too.” Darren said, lying back against the couch.

“Yeah, sure.” Rick assured. He had an arm around Rachel’s back, but she didn’t seem uncomfortable. “Darren’s friends are my friends.”

Darren smiled back at him. He noticed how those two have been slightly more touchy than usual, Rachel occasionally flipping her hair as she laughed loudly of something he said, and Rick placing a hand on her hip, knee or shoulder as he tried to make more eye contact. But if he knew them as well as he thought so, everything would stay there unless someone pushed it forward. Which he hadn’t figured how to do yet.

“Look, there’s Brian.” Jeff announced, but then he frowned and tilted his head, to add hesitatingly, “And he has… a dog?”

“Apparently.” Darren confirmed, even more confused.

Brian discreetly made his way through the people to the couches, a petite though vigorous brown and hairy shadow following him and throwing as many things as it was physically possible. He (Brian, clearly) shook Darren’s hand as he said without no explanations, “Hey, dude. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks, bro. Um, care to explain?”

“Oh, the dog?” Darren nodded, feeling he shouldn’t have to need to, starting to believe he was messing with him. “It’s your birthday present! A babe from my block was trying to find this guy a house and I thought I could give it to you, since you’re so lame and lonely.”

Brian tried to pet the dog in the head as an honorary introduction, but the pet was busy trying to see what the hell there was on every cup of the coffee table, while everyone tried to not get alcohol all over the floor. They saved most of it, but it was inevitable that two cups hadn’t dropped when two big and heavy paws were unexpectedly placed over the surface and the dog inspected everything without caring much. It was obvious the animal hadn’t been properly trained to act under those circumstances, and they didn’t know whether to laugh or get angry, quickly budging to the first option.

“I appreciate your… honesty and obviously selfless reasons, but I can’t keep animals in my place.”

Brian’s eyes widened in concern. “What do you mean? I live in an apartment too, and they let me have pets.”

“Yeah, but you have a common inner garden, I live in a flat.” Darren explained, snapping his fingers trying to get the dog’s attention, but he was too busy now in Rick’s lap after he had said to him _you’ll be the ruin of my house!_ and completely misunderstanding his tone of voice as an invitation.

“You’re shitting me.” Brian expressed in regret. Then he looked at the dog and shook his head, “Guess I’ll have to keep it.”

“He’s a mess, Brian, isn’t your room already too small?” Rachel asked, wincing.

It looked like a cross between a retriever and some street dog, although approximating much more to the second type, especially in the way he acted, excessively yearning and intruding; and he wasn’t exactly little neither.

Brian sighed as he threw himself on the couch, next to Jeff. “Yeah, but I can’t give him back now. I’ve already… accepted something in return for the favor.”

“Please, don’t give details.” Jeff asked. “What’s he called?”

“Um, he doesn’t have a name, I think. Darren, you should name it, take _that_ as a birthday gift at least.” Brian suggested.

Darren finally got the dog’s attention, which suddenly jumped onto his lap and started to sniff all over him, looking for food he lacked.

“He’s obviously wild and raging. But I got no names in my head right now.” He looked at Lauren, “What do you think?”

Lauren thought about it for a moment.

“What about Caliban?”

Brian stared at her like if she was crazy.

“ _The tempest_.” Lauren explained at him, and then rolled her eyes, “You wouldn’t know.”

“Caliban, huh?” Darren called, messing with its ears and trying to see if it worked, but the dog kept exploring Darren’s pockets in his clothes. “I don’t think he’ll reply to _any_ name whatsoever. But it fits, doesn’t it?”

“Whatever, _nerds_.” Brian shook his head and grabbed a bottle of wine from the coffee table.

Caliban offhandedly changed Darren for Joey Richter after understanding he had no food.

After midnight, Lauren granted her seat to Darren so he’d be in the center and perfectly in front of the cake. They sang happy birthday, and once he blew out the candle, Brian and Joe pretended they were going to hug Darren when they gripped the back of his head to violently push him against the cake.

“Okay, was that really necessary?!” Darren cried, wiping the white and pink whipped cream off his eyelids and surroundings.

“The aesthetic!” Lauren yelled at the same time, observing tragically her masterpiece turned into a mess.

“Okay, despite that was hilarious, I’m hungry.” Caroline complained, grabbing a knife and then proceeded to cut the cake like if nothing had happened.

“Yeah, you know what, I got a sudden urge to kiss my friends.” Darren said, standing up, and they weren’t sure if he was smirking under the food mask.

When Joe tried to get away from Darren’s grip, it was too late and the laughing didn’t quite permit it, and Darren’s elbow had kept Joe’s head still while he rubbed his face against Joe’s left cheek and hair.

“Get off me!” Joe pulled mildly of his hair, and flexed upwards and was finally able to get off his friend’s embrace, with half face covered in cream. “You got some in my eye, asshole.” He complained, although still laughing, rubbing his eye with a finger.

Darren grabbed a napkin from the table and cleaned his face as he sat down again. Joe disappeared through the kitchen’s door, probably to do the same thing.

Lauren looked at him, smiling. “You okay?”

“Yeah. You can stop laughing now.” He commented, with his features now visible.

Lauren laughed for only a few seconds more before saying, “Sorry.” She bit her lip in a long pause to gather the sufficient courage. Caroline stood up with her second portion of cake and said something about ice and beer and coming back in a minute. “I have a present for you.”

Darren looked at her with interest. He put a strand of hair behind her ear and said sweetly, “Baby. You serious? You’ve done more than enough…”

“It’s nothing,” Lauren cut off, but deep down she had been in some place between anxious and excited about it. “I don’t know if you want to open it now or later.”

“Well, now I’m curious.”

She gave him the little green and yellow package she kept in her purse. Everyone was at the expectance (Except Jim that was too busy stealing a piece of cake without having Darren noticing) as he slowly ripped the wrapping paper, and everyone’s reaction overtook his. Joey Richter even clapped in admiration.

“Holy shit! Look at that.”

“It’s so shiny I think I can see the reflection of my house.”

But Darren remained still, in silence, staring at the huge golden watch in his hands.  He gulped slowly, and the exclamations of veneration near him felt a million miles away.

Lauren’s hand was on his back when she asked, nervous, “So what do you think?”

He looked at her and she’d have never expected to hear such serious tone of voice in a situation like that.

“Why did you buy me this?”

Lauren frowned in confusion before replying, “You said the other day you didn’t have a watch, so I bought you one.” She shook her head, “What do you mean?”

The corner of his lips bent as he shook his head as well, looking away. Lauren suddenly felt him incredibly distant. He left the package in the coffee table, looking worryingly troubled.

 “I can’t accept this.” He sentenced, standing up.

It’d have been the most horrible silence in the group if it wasn’t because there was music playing and the people were chatting in the surroundings. Lauren sighed quietly before following Darren. She reached him at the lane, next to a lamp post that wasn’t working, where he was lightning a cigarette, his silhouette almost merging with the environment of that full moon night.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Lauren said, needlessly loud. Now that there was no one around, she didn’t need to keep it down.

Darren snorted a laugh as he turned around to look at her.

“Me?” He pointed at himself with the hand that held the cigar, and then at her, “How did _you_ think I’d feel when you gave me that?”

Lauren shrugged, upset and resigned. He had looked away again. “I don’t get it. I wanted to give something nice to someone I care about. What’s wrong with that?”

Darren took a puff of the cigar and exhaled the smoke somewhere else before answering, staring into the darkness in front of them.

And his voice came out calmer, though not content. “How much did that watch cost you?”

The pressure in Lauren’s chest suddenly slackened until it almost vanished completely.

Her voice was calmer, too. “So this is what this whole thing is about?” Lauren gave a determined step closer, and held Darren’s gaze as she continued, “I just wanted to give you something nice. Money isn’t an issue for me. You know it’s not.”

Darren gave a miserable laugh, out of having no words to say looking down, and then finally said, “It’s just that… I could _never_ give something like that to you.”

Lauren ran a hand through her hair, throwing it backwards because she felt slightly out of air from hearing him say that, with such a self-loathed tone of voice. This was _a mess_.

“I don’t want you to give me anything. I just want to be with you.” She slowly put a hand on his neck, like if she feared he wouldn’t let her, but she felt him mildly relaxing under her touch. “I didn’t want to make you feel like this.”

“I know. Fuck, _I know_.” Darren cursed bitterly, but he held Lauren’s wrist and was caressing it softly. “I know I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but I can’t help it to feel like this.”

Despite the situation, Lauren found it nice to discover about one of his insecurities. She felt she knew him so much better know.

“Let’s agree on giving each other books and mixtapes from now on, okay?”

Darren giggled shortly, and the argument felt distant as quickly as it appeared. “Sounds great.”

“I can give it back if you want.” Lauren suggested. Her hand had fallen on the neck of his shirt, casually playing with it.

“But that’d be stupid, right?”

“ _Very_ stupid, but if you want…” Lauren wet her lips, knowing the risk it’d imply to say “I think you should keep it, though.”

“Do you think I can have the honor to get it back after I made that scene?”

Lauren grinned, “We can _try_.”

They shared a dovelike kiss before going back into Rick’s place.

“Oh, look! The drama queen has returned.” Rachel yelled almost into what it looked like her tenth glass of beer before bursting into laughs on Rick’s shoulder.

“Okay, where’s my gift?”

“What gift?” Brian asked, petting Caliban’s ears as he had settled on Jim’s spot while he went to the toilet.

“My watch.” Darren warned, killing him with a stare. He already knew what was going on.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

After a not very clean ten-seconds-fight, Darren attained to get the package back from inside Brian’s jacket.

“I’m gonna go put this in my bag upstairs.” He informed, grabbing a can of beer from the coffee table before walking away from the couches.

“Wait, I’ll go with you.” Lauren said.

“Don’t use Rick’s condoms!” Rachel yelled, probably louder than anyone would’ve wanted her to. “They’ve been kept in there for so long, waiting to be used, they might’ve expired.”

“Oh, shut up!” Rick said, offended, pushing her head with one hand, which seemed to amuse the girl even more.

“Ignore that.” Darren said while they climbed up the stairs.

“I’m used to it by now, sweetie.” Lauren replied, holding a laugh, but she honestly felt she didn’t care at that point. She had drank that last drink a bit too quickly and it was just now starting to hit her, she was having one of those moments, when you’re sorta happy and giggly and everything is a bit muzzy but it’s nice.

They gave a few steps through the hall in the first floor when Darren placed a hand on the doorknob.

“This is Rick’s room.” He reported before opening.

They gave only a single step after the doorframe, before the landscape inside turned them into stone for a few seconds. Darren kind of blinked repeatedly to make sure his sight wasn’t fooling him, and Lauren’s jaw dropped in a yank without the permission of her musculoskeletal system.

“Shit, sorry, sorry.” Darren apologized over and over, while he grabbed the bag from the floor under the bed that was being occupied by a couple that didn’t look very eager for interruptions.

But Lauren didn’t feel like either apologizing or leaving at all.

“Oh my god, Caroline?!” She could only ask, with a high tone of voice she couldn’t control, “What are you doing here?!”

“What are _you_ doing here?” Caroline snapped, half offended half shocked.

Lauren opened her mouth to say something she probably didn’t think about yet, when Darren’s arm wrapped around her belly to push her backwards.

“ _We_ ’re leaving. Sorry about that,” Darren repeated while he laded her outside of the room and closed the door.

“Did you just see that?!” Lauren exclaimed with the same frenetic and astonished tone of voice she did before, still staring at the closed door as if she could keep seeing them, “I can’t believe Caroline’s making out with Joe Walker!”

Darren was under a serious attack of laugh, like if the situation was completely entertaining. He grabbed Lauren’s hand as they walked through the hall, towards the other door.

“Shit, that was… unexpected.” Darren admired.

“It’s unbelievable!” Lauren said, too horrified to even ask if they could be inside what she guessed to be Rick’s parents room, so instead she sat down at the feet of the bed, trying to process it through. “We… we gotta do something!”

Darren put his bag under the bed, like he had done in Rick’s bedroom, and then he looked at her with a frown, still recovering from the giggles that had almost let him without capacity to catch a breath.

“What are you saying?”

“Have you _not seen_ what they were doing? This is horrible.”

“I don’t think Joe was doing anything she didn’t want him to.” Darren simply said. It’d be too complicated (and completely inadequate) to explain to Lauren that Joe just _had it_ , he could just talk to someone and in the matter of a moment they’d be on their knees disposed to do absolutely anything he asked them to. Well, on their knees, lying down or on fours, but the point was the same.

“Still! It’s Joe… And Caroline is so…” She failed in her mental search for a world that could properly describe her friend the way she needed to. “Joe’s an asshole.”

“That’s what you thought about me when we first met.”

“It’s different.”

“Why?”

“Because… you’re _you_.” Lauren shrugged, upset of being aware she was abysmally losing the argument.

“That’s a solid point.”

She looked at her nails when she added, stubbornly, “She’s not even his type.”

Darren had laid back on the bed, comfortably as if it was his own, and he was looking at Lauren’s pseudo-monologue with interest but not catching her line of thought.

“What do _you_ know about Joe’s type?” He asked, highly entertained.

Lauren snapped quickly, turning around to look at him, “I can guess.” She pressed her lips together, “Stop giving me that look. _I know_.” She finally added, and then sighed in resignation, knowing that it’d be hypocritical form her part, and from any perspective of the story, to criticize something like that, but she couldn’t help it.

“Just let it happen, how bad can it be?” Lauren didn’t look very convinced, so he added, “Look, I’m not enjoying the whole _stealing my spotlight_ thing anymore. Can we go back to what’s important? And I mean me.”

Lauren laughed as she laid back too, dragging herself to the top of the bed, and then resting on her side to look at Darren.                                                                                 

“So what does the birthday boy feels like doing?” She asked with a smirk, running her thumb on the corner of his forehead, where there was a tiny spot of whipped cream left, and then licking it from her finger.

Darren watched this before saying, offended:

“Do you even have to ask?” He said before leaning into her lips and start kissing her.

It was sweet at first, Darren’s lips softly grazing hers, as his fingertips held her chin up. Lauren kissed back, eyes closed, her hand falling on Darren’s hip without noticing it. Darren’s kisses would never fail to transport her higher, to an ethereal land where senses ruled and she was a mere receptor who couldn’t handle it though she wanted to, and now even more with the alcohol loosening her inhibitions and making everything feel so nice and easy, like tightening the hand on his waist and shifting closer towards him on the bed.

Darren deepened the kiss when he sensed her moving slightly. His lips were now firmer, determined, and his jaw opened wider in a faster tempo. His hand had ran through her spine to her lower back, sneaking under the red tank top that outlined so perfectly her tight body, and he pulled her a bit closer until he felt her against him. She smelled like a sweet scent of blueberries and vodka, and he couldn’t help but to inhale deeply and get drunk with the fragrance. Lauren’s boobs were grazing his chest and _fuck_ –something inside was awakening and the adrenaline didn’t let him think straight. He could hear nothing else but his heartbeat ringing in his ears, their heavy breathing and the sound their lips entailed every time they crushed rougher into one another.

Lauren’s legs were nibbling against his as they made out and it was driving him _insane,_ so he shrouded Lauren’s leg with his, this way pulling it closer and suddenly much more intimate.

A moment went by before she fell into the count that Darren had cut the kiss, and she opened her eyes. His gaze was fixed on her so centered and intense, like if nothing else existed, that she was absolutely positive that for at least a very short moment, it really didn’t. Without saying a thing, he placed a kiss on the corner of her lips, pushing her hair behind her shoulder, then moved to the most prominent peak of her jaw, near her ear, and sucked slowly for a while, his mouth moving the same way he had kissed her lips a moment before. Darren’s mouth felt warm and wet on her skin, and when he wriggled downer to her neck, his curls brushing her chin, she arched her back just a bit and pressed her knee just a tiny bit (or at least she pretended it to be, but she couldn’t really reckon up the amount of appropriate _anything_ in that moment) against Darren’s jeans in that place where senses were suddenly channeling on, and felt him tightening his legs around hers to keep her like that, while he inhaled deeply once again and _fuck, fuck_ , he wanted to stop being gentle and do things he wouldn’t even dare to draw on his notepad.

If they were going to take things slow, she’d better stay away from anything near that area, or he’d lose his mind. Then his eyes were at the same height as hers again, his hand on her neck, a lazy thumb caressing her skin.

His voice came out unexpectedly thin, “I know we can’t yet… But would it be okay if I touched you… down there?”

Nobody was more surprised than her that the answer was so immediate, “Yes.” She breathed in, “Do it.”

Darren bit his lip hard in a clear sign of lust –although she couldn’t tell she was the one causing it, grabbing her knee and pulling it towards the other side, so she’d be lying on her back. He rested on an elbow to be at the proper height and to resume snogging her again. The hand on her knee went up slowly through her thigh, pulling up her tight black skirt when it reached the cloth. Darren felt how easily his fingers ran through her soft skin, his heartbeat speeding up as he went upper, now in that place were legs get thicker and curve in all the right places that he had almost memorized from observing that carefully a thousand times before.

Lauren moved her legs a bit wider when she felt his hand reaching the end of her inner thigh, in that endless caress that had started on her knee. His three middle fingers ran all the way, upon her underwear, until they reached the end of that delicate garment, and then down all the way, and it was Lauren the one who cut the kiss this time because she momentarily couldn’t focus on anything else but that touch between her legs.

Darren repeated the same thing quite a few times, and the arousal increased so much she closed her eyes, pressing her head tightly against the pillow. Darren felt through the piece of cloth how she was getting gradually more wet, and the air coming out violently from her mouth, and how he could yet feel her texture under his fingers pretty damn well, and how it was making him so fucking horny he sank his face            on her hair.

Then the tip of his index an middle finger pressed firmly on the top, in that especially sensitive place, and he marked small circles; and Darren heard the most _fucking-amazing_ sound on earth since he listened to David Bowie’s _Cat People_ for the first time.

“ _Mmm_ ,” the moan reached air as her hips tightened            , pushing against Darren’s hand.

Lauren’s feet curved, her toes sinking on the bed.

Darren’s thumb was discreetly and slowly pulling down underwear, reaching where the hair stars growing and he bit Lauren’s neck before she said:

“Wait,” it calmed him that it wasn’t a _get away from me pervert_ wait, and that she added after not a long while, “Against the wall.”

It wasn’t commanding enough to be an order, but it was like an invitation he could never turn back; so he raised an eyebrow in surprise as he replied, “As you wish.”

He adjusted the pillow in Rick’s parents’ bed, before settling up and laying his back against the wall. Lauren straddled him, legs cornering him as he had imagined so many times when he couldn’t sleep, and he gulped heavily because he was hard as a tent and in this position there was not a way to hide it.

Her hands held his neck while she kissed him passionately. Darren’s hands ran through her thighs fervently, before groping her perfect ass so hard under her skirt, completely lifting it, that his nails must’ve undoubtedly leaved a pink mark on her skin. Lauren started grinding against him, slowly, her lower back rippling constantly in a delectable torture.

“Fuck, yes.” Darren breathed, and his voice sounded so throaty and erotic that she didn’t think she’d ever enjoyed someone cursing this much. “God, keep going.”

He pulled her closer so she’d feel her body in steady contact against his, her boobs against his chest while she grinded harder and faster, and his blood focusing so intensively on his crotch that it was too much –but it wasn’t nearly-fucking-enough. He didn’t want her, he needed her; he needed her like a person miles underwater thinks of air, slapping the liquid in the search for something that’s not nearly in their reach.

“Lauren,” he called in what it wasn’t either a request or a warning, but somehow both at the same time, “Stop.”

She wet her lips, her hands sliding from him, fearing she’d do something wrong, “Why?”

Darren looked at her, and he gravelly explained, “Because if you don’t, I’m gonna fuck you right here and now.”

Lauren breathed deeply, swallowing the _okay_ that wanted to come out of her throat and stood against all of her convictions. She just sort of stayed there, still and speechless, staring back until Darren talked again.

“Get off,” he said and this time it was a clear order.

Lauren sat down beside him, fixing her clothes and feeling how the moment vanished completely, and Darren quickly put his feet on the floor and drank ten sips straight from the can of beer he had left on the bedside table. He ran a hand through his messy hair, and she felt him tense and upset. Was it her fault?

“Darren, I gotta tell you something.” She called.

“Sure, but it’ll have to wait until I come back from the bathroom.” He said quickly, giving her a look before opening the door and disappearing behind the frame.

Lauren dropped her head back against the wall, sighing.

Darren didn’t come back for a while. Lauren pictured him there in the bathroom, and she wondered if the way he used to recover from horniness was to wash his face with cold water or to finish what they started alone… Then she stretched out her hand to the bedside table, deciding to finish the can of beer herself.  Maybe she’d have another one of those moments that made everything nice again.

“Are you okay?” She asked when Darren came back, looking much more relaxed and she didn’t dare to ask why.

“Yeah. We should go back downstairs.” He suggested, knowing that was the smartest thing he had said in the entire night.

Lauren stood up and walked to him. “You were upset. I don’t want to be the cause of you having a bad birthday.”

Darren was frowning, “Shit, no. I wasn’t upset with you. I almost had _too much_ of a good time right there, trust me.” He explained, “Please, don’t think it’s your fault.”

He gave her a short, sweet peck on the lips that convinced her immediately.

“And you? Ready to deal with my drunken friends?”

“Is anyone _ever_ ready for that?” She joked, grabbing his hand, “Let’s go.”

Like if they’ve spent two hours in that room, the party was at its best, the couches almost empty since everyone was either chatting vigorously or dancing, with the most known songs playing loudly and most lights off, except for the mirror ball Jeff had gotten from a bizarre secondhand website.

“I’ll go spend some time with the boys outside, okay?” Darren said.

“Sure,” Lauren agreed, shrugging.

She took a place in the couch in front of Rachel, who was the only one still there, drinking alone. Lauren checked something in her phone, which kept her busy for a bit, but it didn’t take long until the girl started a conversation.

“Hey, your friend has earned a place in the group very quickly, right?” Rachel commented, distracted, with a smirk drawn on the fading red usual on her lips.

Lauren could feel her bad temper coming back after she had seen them there, in Rick’s room, attempting to hide away from everyone.

“Yeah.” She just replied, but the tension in her voice was obvious. “I know.”

Rachel found her surprising response highly entertaining _–wasn’t she a female version of Darren sometimes?_

“You don’t like that couple very much, do you?”

Lauren’s reply took a few seconds, “I just think it’s a bad idea. I know Joe’s your friend, but…”

“I think it’s a _terrible_ idea.” Rachel sentenced. “Joe’s an asshole. You can say that.”

Lauren grinned, “Yeah, that’s basically my point. I can’t believe she’s doing that, it’s…” she shook her head, denying to herself to say the end of the sentence.

Rachel crossed her legs as she asked, “This girl is like, your best friend, right?”

“Yeah, she is.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but she’s probably been dreaming about coming to a party like this and doing something like that for a really long time, right?”

Lauren knew she should defend the girl’s honor, but it was impossible to prove that statement was incorrect, so instead she sighed and said, “Yes.”

Rachel shrugged, “So she’s basically having _her_ night. I think you should pretend to be happy for her.”

“But that wouldn’t be honest.”

For some reason, she felt like an idiot after saying that.

Rachel didn’t say anything about it though, so she continued, “Yeah, but think about it: they hook up, she has the time of her life or whatever, Joe never calls her        again and you won’t ever have to deal with him. You avoid an unnecessary discussion, and everyone is happy.”    

Lauren considered it for a moment before admitting, “You’re actually right. Thank you.”

Rachel gave her a smile before finishing her glass of beer. She wiped a tiny drop of the liquid sliding through her chin, and she settled near the edge of her seat, with a cheeky smirk, like if she was about to tell a secret (and she sort of was).          

“Darren told me that you guys are waiting to have sex.” Rachel didn’t notice Lauren’s eyes widening in shock, “I think it’s great, honestly. I’ve never seen Darren waiting and working so hard for something. It’s amazing to see him losing his mind every once in a while.”

“I can’t believe Darren told you that.           “ That was the only thing she could process from that entire discourse.

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Rachel assured, shaking her head and making a gesture with her hand, “Darren’s like my little brother. He comes up to me all the time to tell me his problems and asks me for advice, because I’m fucking smart.”

“Huh.” Lauren crossed her arms, her eyebrows up, “So I’m a problem?”

This time Rachel’s eyes were the ones that widened. “Shit. No. I’m sorry, I fucked that up. I didn’t mean it like that.”

There was a moment of tense silence, then Rick walked to them and took a spot next to Rachel.

“What’s going on?” He said, and then added to Lauren, “Whatever she’s doing, ignore her. She’s been drinking her weight in alcohol.”

Rachel ignored him, then shook her head and said, “I made you uncomfortable, right?”

“Yeah, a bit.” Lauren answered, minimizing the truth.

“Look, I’ll tell you something.” She concluded, “You can ask me one personal question, like, anything you want, and I’ll have to answer, and then we’re even. Okay?”

Lauren gulped slowly, because the question was right there, at the tip of her tongue. It’s been there for a while, despite there was evidence proving the contrary, there were a few cues she couldn’t ignore.

_Is truly Darren like your little brother? Has he always been?_

Lauren opened her mouth to ask, but a voice cut her off before she could start.

“Hey, you two, leave my girlfriend alone,” Darren warned, sitting down next to Lauren, his hand falling on her lap. “What are you talking about?”

“I was just playing something with Lauren, in which she could ask me _any_ personal question once, and I gotta answer.”

“Oh, I have one,” Darren said, grabbing a bottle of scotch from the table. He rested on the couch, opening the bottle, with an air of defiance in his body language that matched his tone as he continued, “In the current state of drunkenness that you find yourself in, would you fuck Rick?”

Rachel looked at Rick, casual but slightly surprised, “What do you think about that, huh?”

“Oh, no. It’s you who I’m asking,” Darren corrected, with very clear intentions the girl couldn’t decode. “Would you?”

She shrugged, examining her friend. “I don’t know. I probably would not _fuck_ him yet, but I could work it through a little job.”

Darren grinned and gave the brunette guy a look that said _that’s all I can do for you, mate_.

“I love how… _sharing_ you guys are.” Lauren commented, looking at him.

Darren laughed and grabbed her hand.

“Let’s leave these two alone,” He just whispered, pulling from it.

They spent a while outside, with Brian, Jeff and Joey Richter, laughing and drinking. A group of girls barging into the conversation to congratulate Darren. Later, asking if he could play a few songs in the guitar; Darren denying. Darren playing the guitar afterwards. The group of girls being absolutely in heaven. More laughing and drinking, before going back inside, during dawn, when most likely all of the people had left, to prepare the house for the gang to sleep.

Rachel and Rick were making out in the couch in such a way they should’ve gone to a hotel. _That’s my boy,_ Darren said proudly.

The music had stopped, the house was a total mess, but proof that the night was a complete success.

Caroline had recently crossed the stairs when Lauren caught her arm.

“Hey,” she called, probably louder than what she intended to. The girl was eager and smiling, more than what it was common in her. “I can’t believe you just spent the entire night in a room with Joe Walker.”

“I know, right?!” Caroline said, yet again louder than what she should’ve, “It was amazing, I still can’t believe it happened to me… isn’t it fantastic?”

Lauren swallowed back a million of thoughts along with her spit, and she hoped her smile was convincing enough, “Yeah, you gotta tell me everything.”

“Well, we started talking the other night at the Hard Rock Café and…”

“Later,” Lauren’s hand almost pinched her from tightening the grip, “I’m exhausted.”

“Okay, sure, can’t wait!”

Caroline kissed her on the cheek and went to the bathroom. Darren walked to her.

“Well, the beds upstairs are taken. Do you want the air mattress?” He asked.

“If that’s okay, I’ll take that with Caroline. That way I’ll make sure she doesn’t end up in a bed with Joe.”

Darren giggled, shaking his head, “Sure. I’ll take one of the couches. But if my back is too sore and I gotta switch with Caroline at some point, I just want you to know it’s completely innocent and unintended.”

“Right.” Lauren kissed him, “Goodnight, birthday boy.”

Darren held her head and kissed her again.

_Best. Birthday. Ever._


	17. The longest minute

**Chapter 17: The longest minute**

“Where is this, again?” Lauren asked, looking at Darren’s reflection in the mirror before drawing cautiously a black line above her eyes.

Darren crossed his legs, getting more comfortable. He shook his head and said, “You wouldn’t know.” Then he gave a look to the shelf next to Lauren’s bed, running his fingertips through the titles of the albums and books neatly ordered in a pattern he couldn’t decode yet. “It’s an underground pub. Rachel’s boyfriend’s band is playing.”

“Literally or metaphorically underground?”

“Both.” Darren answered, grabbing _Strange days_ from the base of the pile, carefully not to throw everything to the floor. “You listen to The Doors?”

“I haven’t in a while, but yeah.” Lauren said quickly. She put some mascara on her eyelashes as a final touch. Then she turned around and stared at her wardrobe, still on her dressing gown, recalling all of her clothes in her head and without being able to determine an adequate outfit for a situation that was completely different from any she’s ever been in.

“Can I borrow this? I haven’t listened to this album in ages.”

“Sure.” Lauren had walked to the wardrobe and decided desperate times require desperate measures, so she turned around and asked him “What should I wear?”

Darren retained the cd in the inside pocket of his jacket, and then he stood up and walked to Lauren’s wardrobe. She observed with a raised eyebrow how he placed a hand on the handgrip until he asked:

“Can I?”

 “If you dare.” She replied, and then sat down at her bed, disposed to observe what she expected to be a hilarious situation.

Darren rummaged into the furniture for a while, like if it wasn’t the first time he was challenged into getting the perfect outfit for someone. He finally decided for a pair of black, though shiny high waisted leggings and a red, loose, strappy crop top made of chiffon that worked pretty great on her. It was actually a great choice, and she was surprised. She had noticed Darren had a nice style, but it’s pretty easy for a guy who doesn’t wear much besides jeans and leather jackets.

“Trust me,” He said, handing her the clothes and sitting down in the bed again, “Although, I’d ask Caroline for her black boots because that’s what would really work.”

Lauren squeezed her eyes as he looked at him, astonished, wondering _why_ did he remember that while she didn’t. “Who are you?”

“Someone who’s seen a lot of girls in pubs.” Darren answered, but was clever enough to add quickly, “Not tonight, obviously, because I won’t need to.”

Lauren rolled her eyes and gave him an amused look before turning around to take off the dressing gown and put on the clothes. Darren gulped slowly, making an effort to not make a sound or literally anything that could make his existence noticeable again. They had become more intimate with one another lately, but that didn’t mean he was used to seeing Lauren in her underwear right there in front of him, and _worse_ , not being able to do anything about it. So he just focused on breathing slowly in and out until the thing was over, because, well, he wasn’t stupid enough to look away neither. And he just tried to ignore how perfect and tight her body looked with less clothes, and the movement of her spine as she lifted up her arms, and the way it curved right there above her underwear, and how that delicate black fabric stuck inside and _–fuck_.

“I’m gonna ask Caroline for the boots,” She announced once she was done, as Darren couldn’t really answer anything yet because his mind got wedged in those last three minutes.

Caroline was drying her hair in her dressing gown, as Lauren had done half an hour before; but when she asked the girl made a wince and said with an apologetic tone:

“I’m sorry, honey, I’m gonna wear them tonight.”

“That’s okay. Where are you going?”

“Joe invited me to hang out to this bar to have a drink and watch a show and stuff.”

Lauren’s gasp was quiet enough to go unnoticed. “I’m starting to think we need to communicate more, because we’re going to the same place.”

“Really? You?” Caroline’s surprise did show, unlike hers, when she looked at her with an impressed expression.

“What does that mean?” She snapped instantly.

“Oh, nothing.” She quickly said and smiled widely to disguise it. “It’ll be fun, we all are going to be there!”

Lauren didn’t say anything for a second.

“How are you going to get there? Do you want me to go with you?”

“Joe will pick me up, don’t worry.” Caroline just explained, shrugging.

Lauren tried to remember Rachel’s words at the party, but they didn’t seem to be of much help now; so she just gave her roommate a smile before going back to her dorm.

“I can’t believe Joe is taking Caroline to this thing, and they are doing –whatever they are doing.” She sentenced, crouching to reach her brown boots under the bed.

Darren bit his lip and didn’t say anything.

“Ugh. _You knew!”_ Lauren stared at him, furious for a short moment. The solely presence of that guy bothered her, but she knew Darren was his best friend and she could never ask him to stop seeing him, so she worked it into tolerating him for long as it was possible.

“I couldn’t do anything about it.” Darren said with his most honest tone of voice, “I think you’re just gonna have to accept whatever this is.”

“Couldn’t he find absolutely any other girl to sleep with that’s _not_ my roommate?” Lauren cried, already imagining what it’d be to wake up and find him on the couch of her living room. She wasn’t sure she could handle that. She adjusted the laces of her boots with much more energy than what it was necessary. Darren held a laugh at her attitude, and she warned, “Stop laughing of me.”

Darren pointed at himself with a sarcastic expression, as he dramatically expressed, “I’d _never_.” He stood up, pulling from her hand, “Let’s go, you’ll forget about it once we’re there.”

Lauren grabbed a light brown jacked and announced to Caroline they were leaving before taking off. The pub was, as Darren said, literally underground; they got there after climbing down the stairs of an indie music store. They could hear the music bounding in the place even before they got there. The white walls of the bar were decorated completely by Pollock’s dripping technique, giving a pretty overwhelming first impression as they got in. There was a stage of a minimum size in the back of the place, next to the toilets, but it was currently empty. The girl working at the bar had a pink Mohawk which height would impress anyone, and the environment overall of the place was dark, and sort of creepy and bizarre.

They sat down at Rachel, Brian and Jeff’s table when they spotted them. They asked for a beer, while they joined in a casual conversation about college. Caroline and Joe arrived five minutes after the first performance started; they sat down in front of Lauren, which made everything even more surreal since she was used to have her by her side. The opening was an unexpectedly long slam poetry act of five different people reciting in turns about their life stories, starting out as a pretty common thing, before they started yelling at the same time in a very unpleasing manner they couldn’t hear what any of them said whatsoever.

“Have you ever gone to a place like this?” Darren leaned a bit into her seat to whisper.

She didn’t want to admit it and look like a total newbie, so instead she just commented, “What do you mean like this?”

Darren gave her a look, “Come on.”

Has she been educated in art before getting into college? Of course, and at a high level for most common people. Has she ever seen something like this live? Never.

“I’ve _known_ of places like these.”

Darren grinned, grabbing his glass, “Good.” He said. “I love first times.”

Lauren bit her lip.

The second performance definitely topped last one and probably anything any of them had seen for a while. It consisted in a chubby guy doing a discourse as someone threw balloons full of painting at him. It truly was… something else. Lauren thought at first that the words he said were actually quite great, but it was difficult to focus on it as the secondhand embarrassment got harder to stand. It was sort of painful to be present when he literally screamed an unintelligible groan of sorrow for fifteen seconds, but at some point the thing was over. Rachel’s boyfriend finally got onstage with a bass and the band started playing. The music was something out of normalcy, too, as it was a mix between punk-rock, rap and psychedelic; but at least they were pseudo-harmonic sounds turned into music. Maybe you just had to be incredibly high to find the sense in all of it.

Joe opened the recently arrived bottle of beer with a quick pull.

“So, Lauren…” He said, serving the liquid in the glasses Caroline continued to hand him, “What does a person like you think of what we’ve just seen?”

Lauren first raised her eyebrows in surprise because she wasn’t expecting it. If she was being honest, it wasn’t completely bad because the people did have talent and she couldn’t deny it; besides, she had seen worst at high school plays and amateurs’ debuts, and she had definitely heard worse music; but it just would never be her style enough to enjoy it.

“I’m interested.” She finally let out, which wasn’t a lie.

Joe held a laugh. “That’s it?”

“Jo.” Darren warned, looking at him seriously, but the guy shrugged to defend himself.

“What? I’m just doing a completely professional question, nothing else. Since we’re all supposedly artists in this table.”

Rachel saved the moment, “Are we sure this would be considered art? It’s certainly not very aesthetic.”

“Not for the academia, that’s for sure, but unconventional art is art. Come on, what year is it already?” Brian said, slightly exasperated.

“How do you define art, then?” Rachel snapped, looking at him. “You gotta have some aesthetic standards.”

“By beauty.” Brian sentenced, and the girl just snorted in response.

“Right.”

“Did the chubby guy seem beautiful to you?” Jeff messed with him.

“Beauty is subjective.”

“As subjective as growing up in this century, raised since the womb around occidental standards can be.” Darren added, before lightning a cigar.

“Okay, then expression.” Brian threw, almost at hit-or-miss. “As long as there’s public, it’s always trying to say something, even if it’s being throw balloons of painting meanwhile or whatever.”

“Then how do you explain absurdism?”

“Expressing nothing it’s expressing something.”

Darren made a pause, like if he was waiting for something else, before he finally threw a sarcastic “That’s really your answer?”

“I think it’s about control.” Lauren said, who had stayed quiet for a while, listening carefully to the conversation but in parallel maintaining another dialogue with herself. “As Brian said, it’s a performance and it’s always about controlling the reaction of the public eye. And as you do that, you gotta control what you feel and want you want them to feel.”

“What control there is in someone yelling into a microphone for thirty seconds while being thrown painting? Which must’ve hurt, by the way.” Joe defiantly asked to her.

“Patheticism is a way of self-destruction for the eye of the other. And destruction is always a form of control.”

There was a moment of silence in the table, like if no one really knew what to say to that or didn’t want to say it, before Darren announced proudly:

“You killed it,” And then leaned to kiss her.

Everybody laughed then, letting the tension out –at least, almost everyone.

“That was messed up.” Brian said, as if the truth lastly hit him, “Now I can finally see why you two are together.”

Joe whispered something in the red-haired girl’s ear, and they announced they were taking off. Lauren pressed tightly her lips together as the new couple leaved the pub very touchy and close to each other.

“Not over it?” Darren whispered.

“Not over it.” She replied, rolling her eyes.

Rachel noted the tension in the table, “Why don’t we go to The Hole to finish this?” She suggested, and then added looking at the stage, with a roll of her eyes “They’ve got like five songs anyway.”

They rode to the bridge of the race circuit and finished the beer sitting in the cement railing. The night was quiet and calm, and they enjoyed it there, looking at nowhere in particular and talking and laughing about the performances. Darren made quite an accurate though mean impression of slam poetry about Mrs. Wood’s classes, and everyone couldn’t just not clap at his talent while whipping the tears from laughing so hard.

A few minutes later, Jeff was making Brian listen to a song on his cell phone; Lauren saw them singularly intimate that night, as if they didn’t really noticed everyone else most of the time, in a such a way she could not help but to be suspicious. Darren had walked away to have another cigar without throwing the smoke into their faces, so she was let alone with Rachel, who looked at her.

“I think I’ve advised you horrifyingly the other night.” She confessed. “I apologize, I hardly ever get it this wrong.”

Lauren laughed and shook her head, “You couldn’t know. Nobody could.”

Rachel nodded in agreement, although she seemed meditative. She took a moment before saying, “He’s really not that bad, you know? Joe. It’s just what he does, and he messes up, occasionally. He puts his dick somewhere he shouldn’t.”

Lauren hadn’t laughed so hard in a while. When she finished, she spoke staring at the purple in the tip of her fingers.

“It’s just that he’s, like, Darren’s best friend. I need to tolerate him, and I can’t if I see him all day and he gets on my nerves.”

Rachel looked at her for a while. She was sitting on the cement railing, and Lauren had placed her arms on the surface, next to her, to rest her weight against it.

“Did Darren tell you what happened in freshman year?”

Lauren looked down for a bit, again, as she nodded. The fresh wind was getting her face cold, and she was sure her nose and cheeks were getting a bit red already. “Yeah, he did tell me.”

Rachel drank the last traces of alcohol in the bottle before placing it again on the railing.

“When we used to ride so much to New York, most of us had someone to hook up with there. Joe started kind of dating Michael Perkins’ sister, and as him and Darren were so close they were the ones that spent time with Michael the most. They became like, genuinely close, and Joe was falling in love with the girl. One time, when he was staying there at their house, Michael got really pissed about something that happened at the club, and after a tense discussion he… raised his hand to her sister.” Rachel explained, hoping Lauren would catch the expression. “Joe saw it and he lost his mind. He started hitting him, and he was so pissed he couldn’t stop, and someone had to interfere afterwards. Michael’s face was a mess. And obviously, you can imagine how angry he was. He was the one who told the headmaster of Michigan’s uni, I can suppose, about what we were doing in the university; and everything was over then. Joe was a mess because he knew it was his fault. I thought it was so unfair… so I lied and let them blame me.”

“I can’t believe you did that for him.” Lauren admitted, feeling a sudden respect because she didn’t think she was capable of doing something like that for _anyone_.

“I didn’t care as much as I knew he would, and… I don’t know.” Rachel shook her head, looking away, as if the memories were still fresh and complicated to expose. “My point is that sometimes Joe can seem a dickhead, but he’s got a reason to act the way he does. With this girl, he still has a box full of photos of them somewhere in his room. Trust me, pretty romantic deep at heart.”

Lauren found it so hard to believe, but it was difficult to dismiss the tone in Rachel’s voice and the way she told her perspective of the story.

“Darren didn’t tell me that.” She finally said, quietly.

“I don’t think he knows.” Rachel commented, rubbing her hands against her jeans to warm them up. “They used to be so protective about each other, that Joe knew he’d do something about it if he found out, and the danger it’d imply. Which… didn’t turn out well whatsoever, but how could he know?”

Her tone was sort of bittersweet, and Lauren felt she should say something, but she didn’t know what.

Darren had walked back, cigar finished and with eyes very tiny.

“Jeff and Brian are officially ignoring us, I’m fucking cold and there’s no more beer. I think it’s time to go home.” He suggested, a hand on Lauren’s waist.

“Yeah,” Rachel agreed, jumping from the railing, “It was an intellectually exhausting night.” She made a sign to Brian and Jeff, “See you tomorrow, guys.”

“Come on,” Darren called her as he walked to the bike parked at the side of the street, “I’ll take you home.”

Lauren nodded, before climbing behind him. Her hands crept under Darren’s jacket and she tucked her nose on the back of his head, hoping his wild hair could partly prevent more of that cold wind on her face once he speeded up. She was cold enough already, and she wasn’t that surprised to feel Darren wasn’t much warmer.

“Shit, I hope there’s not a storm coming.” Darren claimed, noticing the strange temper of nature as well. “We’ve got the race tomorrow.”

Lauren insisted to have him get a coffee at her house to stand the cold, despite there was another completely different reason she wanted for them to be alone. She couldn’t handle keeping the words inside of her any longer. So she prepared two cups and handed one to Darren, who was sitting comfortably on her couch.

“Darren,” Lauren said, kinda frightened to ask, while she ordered the things she had moved in the kitchen, “What do Brian and Jeff do when they leave together?”

He observed her with a raised eyebrow, “I don’t think you really wanna know.”

_She knew it_ , but only then she could realize how naïve was to not have noticed so long before.

She stirred the liquid with a spoon before leaving it on the coffee table and sitting down next to him. “Did you always know about them?”

“Everyone’s known since forever.” Darren explained, and took a few sips, like if it wasn’t really that big of deal.

“Are they… dating?”

Darren held a laugh, “God, no. They’re just friends that occasionally have sex, that’s all.”

She raised her eyebrows, curious. “I don’t think I could ever do that.”

Darren seemed kind of like he wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable having that conversation with her, but he couldn’t resist to express his opinion neither.

“It’s just sex. I mean, for some people –it’s just not something deep or important. Just… sex. I think it can work, with the right people.”

Lauren looked at him, the hand holding the cup slightly trembling. “Have you ever had a friendship like that?”

Darren frowned, trying to decode her expression before saying, “Why are you asking me that?”

She shrugged, trying to pretend casualty, “Curiosity.”

Lie.

Darren’s lips bent a tad, “I did, but that was a long time ago.”

If he hadn’t mentioned a name it was clear he didn’t want to tell her, and that only made her more curious. Was it Rachel? Anyone else could mistake them for a couple, being so similar and tight, and the girl just understood anyone in a way she could never, and that’s something Darren needed so much. What about Joe? Their relationship was so messy and complicated that it just made sense.

“You have nothing to worry about.” Darren added sweetly, noticing the troubling expression on her face, and halting her line of thought all of sudden. He gave her a soft kiss, but Lauren’s hand cut it off quickly. That had given her a perfect entrance.

“Actually… I’ve got something to tell you.”

Darren couldn’t help but to feel anxious at the solely mention of that phrase.

Lauren first drank a few sips of the hot coffee and leaved the cup on the table. She pressed her lips together, breathing in and taking courage before continuing. “About the other night. I wasn’t being completely honest.” She explained, trying to hold his gaze as long as it was possible, but it was freaking hard. “I’ve actually never had sex before.”

Darren let a bit of air out in what it seemed a laugh, but it wasn’t a laugh, because he was far from being something similar to amused. “What are you talking about? You said…”

Lauren interrupted him, but the words out loud never sound as kind as they did when she rehearsed them in her head.

“I know. I know what I said. I lied because… I got scared. People usually make such a big deal of it, and I freaked out for a moment.”

Darren leaved the half-empty cup of coffee on the table as well. His tone was very severe and anyone could’ve noticed he felt offended. “So you just lied to me, right in front of my face?”

“I’m sorry, Darren, but I had my reasons.”

She wished she could explain it differently. She wished he could get inside of her skin, and know everything and feel everything and just accept her confession without changing a single thing, because things were perfect, but the guilt and fear in her throat were keeping her awake at night and if everything stood as she claimed so, it shouldn’t be that way.

Darren ran a hand through his hair, remembering all the things he’s said and done in the past weeks and he probably shouldn’t have to someone who’s never had sex. “I can’t believe… I acted so fucking out of place, and you let me do it. _I shouldn’t have_ –shit, Lauren. This changes everything. Why can’t you be straight with me once and for all?”

He seemed deeply conflicted, and Lauren realized in that exact moment two things that hurt inside in places you can’t delimit: He wouldn’t get it, and she couldn’t explain it.

“You just said right now it’s just sex. It doesn’t change anything.”

Darren’s voice got louder, and she didn’t know if he was standing up because he was leaving or because the energy of his rage was bigger than his body. “Yes, it does! It does, because you’re inexperienced and you don’t know what you want. I don’t want to… hurt you, or make you regret anything.”

Lauren stood up as well, giving a step to find his eyes again. “Then just don’t hurt me or make me regret it!”

Darren shook his head, looking deeply disappointed, “You don’t understand.”

She breathed out. “I understand you’re acting exactly the way I didn’t want you to.”

There was a pause so quiet and long she felt it’d kill her. Then Darren turned around, as she sensed he’d for a while, but she didn’t want him to, and she didn’t find the way to ask him not to. What’d she say if he stayed, anyway?

“You know what? If you understand yourself so well, as I’ll never be able to, then I’ll just leave you alone.” Darren said calmly, disappearing behind a slamming door.

Lauren’s room’s door slammed in the exact same way fifteen seconds later. The coffee in the table got cold, and neither of them felt warm anyway.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“How was last night?” Rick asked, trying to seem casual while sitting at the edge of the table, but he knew what the question implied since the start.

“Mm. It was okay.” Darren simply answered, not paying much attention to him. “We left early anyways. I sent you a text inviting you to go with us.”

“I know, but…”

“Rachel’s boyfriend wasn’t even with us, you know.” He harshly explained. “It could’ve been a good chance for you.”

“Still.” Rick looked mildly upset. “Things have turned out… too complicated for me.”

“But I saw you sucking her face like a vacuum cleaner the night of my birthday.” Darren’s eyebrows raised in disregard.

Rick shook his head, disappointed.

“Exactly. That night, you know what she said to me? _We should do this more often_. She said we should do it more often, like… I don’t wanna be another one of her lame hookups. I don’t wanna be casual. But what else is kept or me, to fight with her boyfriend? I don’t know. It’s messed up.”

Darren snorted.

“God, Rick. I fucking tried to make it work for you so hard.”

He was more than aware of it. “I know, it’s not that I’m not interested, but…”

“You know what you need to do? Get in a fucking _real_ race. I’ll sign you up for the third one. Like, man up, I’ve been listening to your weeping for how long already? You need to feel something. Fucking live.” Darren’s statement came off abruptly tough and he knew it, but Rick should’ve guessed since his first cold answer that he wasn’t in the mood to hear any of that.

“Dude, I’m not sure…”

Darren didn’t look at him. “Yes, you are. And as you can tell, I’m fucking busy right now.”

Somebody bet twenty five dollars on Rachel, as Rick turned around and left. He wrote the bet down on a pad, the letters underlining thickly from the strength he pressed the pen against the paper.

Joey looked at him, kind of startled. “Hey. You okay?”

Darren let out a sigh, making an effort into relaxing the tense muscles of his face and shoulders. He had been in the worst mood all day, and that minor dispute worked to burst the irritability inside of him.

“Lauren and I had a fight.” He finally said. He hadn’t talked about it with anyone, and he didn’t plan to. She had called him once that afternoon, but he wasn’t in the mood to apologize about anything yet, and he knew how high the chances were that he’d say something worse over the phone, so he took the smart decision of ignoring the call, and she didn’t insist anymore.

“I think she’s around here with that ginger girl.” Joey commented, looking around but without much luck for the moment.

“I’m not ready to see her right now.” Darren just said coldly.

Joey got the cue, and he didn’t insist either.

The first two races went pretty good, unexpectedly more exciting than what he expected. Darren sat in their ice containers with Joe, and just enjoyed the night as a simple spectator. At some point during the first half hour, Caroline had approached Joe to greet him with an unwanted long snog he didn’t want to be an spectator of, and when he stood up to avoid watching it he saw Lauren had come along with her friend.

He didn’t know what to say and, luckily, she talked first.

“Hey, can I talk to you later?” She asked sweetly, and Darren hated himself because since he heard her voice and stared into the brown of her eyes, he was already willing to do and say what it was necessary so they could be okay again.

“Yeah.” He replied after a moment, “Of course.”

She grinned scarcely and nodded before walking away with Julia and Dylan, who were chatting without playing much attention to the races.

The third one was beginning, so Darren walked to the starting line where Rachel, Rick and other three competitors were gearing up. He tried to make eye contact with Rick to give him some courage, since he acted like an asshole to him, but the brunette’s gaze was focused completely in the horizon, where he’d soon direct to.

Jim counted down to one with his loud, grim voice, then the air gun was shot into the air, and the engines became so deafening that the screaming of the people sounded distant despite they were all around him; and he was in the center of that sturdy and strenuous mass of people.

It all happened in the first minute. The longest minute of his entire life.

The five motorbikes contested for taking the lead in that first straight line, and the struggle was nail-biting since the minor obstacle could cause any of them to slow down a bit and get way behind the others, making it difficult to catch them later, unless they had a difficulty later on. Rachel took the lead with a visible difference, a guy he didn’t know behind her, and almost at the same position Rick was following them, the other two guys a bit behind. It was clear Rick had gotten much better, or he’d be losing the others’ track right since the start.

Then they came across their first turn, so everyone slowed down a little bit to cross it. There was a lurid clatter that sounded like glasses breaking and things falling and tearing apart at the same time, and the screams of the people near that curve filled absolutely everything for ten seconds before they turned into whispers and talking spreading through the crowd.

Darren felt nothing but a huge lump in his throat before running towards the curve. He had never run so hard and fast in his entire life, but he knew he had to get there, right then, before it was too late.

There was a big crowd of people around the bike when he got there, but they were just whispering and looking at the mess in the floor without doing a thing to help.

“Move, move, move!” He yelled as he pushed them to get to Rick. Rachel had come back when she noticed somebody had an accident, and she was climbing off the bike to see what was going on. The other two guys behind Rick did it too.

Darren passed the motorbike lying on the floor, and the glass and plastic scattered all around it, the materials crushing under his feet. He felt clumsy despite he was walking in a straight line. Rick was lying on his back, near the edge of the street, so fucking away from his bike; his head was facing towards the lane, and he wasn’t moving.

He fell on his knees next to him, before holding his face with trembling hands and slightly moving it to look at it. Brian and the rest of the group got there behind him a few seconds after he did.

Rick’s eyes were closed, just like if he was asleep.

“Don’t move him, Darren! Don’t move him!” Brian was screaming as he got on his knees too, at the other side of Rick.

Brian was just as freaked out as him, but he gathered some sanity to grab Rick’s wrist and look for his pulse. Darren stared at him, not moving, almost not breathing, as he did. Brian gulped, and looked then for the pulse on his neck. _Come on, Brian, say something_ , Darren thought. He remembered that time when Jim had an accident and he knew exactly what to do, practically saving his life. He had to know what to do this time, too.

Lauren was calling 911 on her phone, somewhere near him. Rachel had already started crying as Joe held her, his eyes fixed on Rick.

Brian sat down on the cold cement, almost throwing himself there, his hands covering his mouth and with teary eyes and Darren would not allow himself to believe it.

“Come on, Brian! Do something! Please! You gotta do something now!”

He could never forget the tone as Brian said it, almost in slow motion, the people around them becoming static as their voices turned into a never ending ringing he wanted to cut off like a band aid.

“He’s gone.”

“No. Brian, come on. Do something.” His pleading didn’t come from a rational place, because he didn’t want to be rational, and nothing about this could make sense. His hands had clutched in Rick’s shirt, reliably leaving marks on his skin. “Brian, come on. There must be something you can do. Brian… _Please…_ ”

Darren’s voice was breaking and there was nothing that could send it firm again.

Brian looked at him in the eye, his hands fell on his lap, and he was crying uncontrollably as he said:

“I – _I can’t_.”

Darren couldn’t recall for how long he kept repeating the same words, begging him to do something _–anything_ , and shaking his head and saying _no_ over and over because nothing in that situation was real, and holding Rick’s face as his warm blood slid through the cement under his jeans, and _Brian, do something..._

Everything around him became a blur, and none of the voices were talking in a language he could understand, and he couldn’t breathe and Brian was crying in front of him and there must be something he can do because he saved Jim the last time and…

A siren sounded in the far distance and the curious eyes of everyone around them disappeared in the matter of two minutes, as they always did. People simultaneously whispered and screamed, they pushed and found each other, but everyone ran away until it was calm and their quiet sobs were the only sound in miles.

Jeff helped Brian to stand up.

“We gotta go.” He said softly, weakly, and Brian looked at him with the face of someone who knows it’s the truth and doesn’t want it. “You know we gotta.” He looked at the group around them. The siren sounded dangerously nearer. “I don’t want to, but we all know who is going to be blamed for this.”

“How can you say that?” Rachel screamed in the middle of what used to be a sob, and she let the words out with such anger she shook in Joe’s arms. “I don’t care! They can take me to jail right now if they want to.”

Jeff gave a few steps to face her. His voice was severe as it wasn’t usual in him when he said, “No, you know _who_ is going to be blamed for this if we’re all here.”

He glanced at Darren, who was absent, still there on his knees, holding Rick’s shirt.

Joe gulped, closing his eyes for a bit. “It’s true.”

Rachel looked at him, speechless, before pulling away. She walked away from them to avoid looking at the scene she knew was approaching, and she hid her face with her hands, sobbing quietly.

Nobody said anything for a moment, until Joe placed a hand in Darren’s shoulder.

“Darren.” He called, sort of sweetly, maybe too sweetly. “We gotta go.”

He didn’t even seem to be listening. His gaze was lost somewhere else in Rick’s shirt.

Joe continued. “You know you’re the last person who should be here, and everything is going to blow up on your face. We can’t do anything anymore. You can’t do anything. Please, let’s just leave.”

Darren snorted a laugh before looking into Joe’s watery eyes.

“I’m not leaving.” He merely said firmly, like if he wasn’t there, bending into a dead body that kept bleeding underneath him.

“You’re not thinking straight right now.”

“I’m not gonna leave him here, like a fucking nobody, okay?!”

Joe’s arm was violently slammed off. He stepped back. He knew he had lost him, the hysteria was talking through him, and trying to get some sense into him was in vain.

Lauren walked to Joe, “You can leave.” She said. “I think I got this. I’m gonna make something up. And I’ll talk him into it. Don’t worry about it.”

Joe looked at her for a while, and she could see the misgiving on his eyes. But he finally nodded before Rachel pulled from her arm, and everyone disappeared within thirty seconds. Lauren breathed in as she gave a step into Rick’s blood, feeling she could scream as she sensed the dense red liquid mildly spreading away around her feet, and she walked next to Darren.

She put a hand on his shoulder with a gentle touch, as Joe did before; then she did the same with the other hand, trying to face him, but it felt like if Darren wasn’t even there.

“Honey, look at me.” She called, getting no answer at first. “Look at me.” She repeated,  gulping heavily before talking when Darren finally obeyed her. “You _can’t_ stay here. You got to go home. I’ll take care of this. I’ll stay with him, and I’ll make something up. I’m gonna make sure they know who he is and they call his family, okay? He’s not gonna be alone. I promise.”

Darren shook his head, but she noted he was giving in.

“Trust me, please.”

The siren sounded dangerously near, and Lauren pulled from him to make him stand up. He was like a dead weight, moving passively around but without the will to take a decision. But when she pushed him slightly and yelled _go_ , he walked backwards for a bit, with an emotionless expression, before turning around and running to get his bike.

Lauren looked up to the sky, breathing in and out for a while as the sirens got closer, and trying to distract herself with anything that wasn’t looking down, at her shoes splashed with blood.  


	18. Chaos (then) and Cosmos

**Chapter 18: Chaos ~~then~~ and Cosmos **

Estrangement can be a way of dealing with situations that are out of people’s control. Lauren had seen it there, in Darren’s lost eyes, and hands that were infatuated on clinging to the piece of cloth covering someone that wasn’t going to be conscious again. And she sort of impersonated it later, when they took her to the hospital and she felt herself as a mere artifact being dragged all over the place. There was a voice answering, yes, and it did come from her throat, but it peculiarly didn’t seem like if she was the one emitting it.

She repeated the lie of what happened so much that she almost memorized it completely. She was careful enough to maintain it relatively the same, and to sound certain; by what she observed in everyone’s reaction, nobody was able to tell a thing. It was all so recent that she couldn’t even get to feel guilty about it, and least with the absolute ineptness she could ascribe to the police by that point. She was going to meet someone in a bar there, when Rick rode past her; she recognized him and greeted him with a hand. He greeted back, and it was only when she walked half a block away that she heard a sudden racket. When she found him, he was already lying on the floor after that instantaneous, deadly hit. A fortunate coincidence to accidentally find herself there, but she did what it was best and people nodded at her story, assuring her she did the right thing by checking up on him and worrying despite it wasn’t her obligation. Then the interrogator proceeded to bend their lips while searching the way to ask the state of the young man. She couldn’t know, but he looked normal from what she could tell. _I barely knew him, but-_ she added before shaking her head and looking away, and whoever needed to hear her experience didn’t torment her with questions from there on.

But the worst was, by far, when the family arrived. She did her best to comfort quickly a sobbing mother and an upset father that kept crying out how he never wanted him to ride that motherfucking bike and that he always knew it’d end up badly; but it would never be nearly satisficing. The landscape got soon overwhelming to handle, and as the mother thanked her for recognizing her boy, she excuse herself to have a call and “inform her parents of her location”.

She wasn’t a long time on the line before he picked up, but nobody talked on the other side.

“Hey.” Lauren finally called, “How are you?” She wanted to pinch herself immediately after saying it, because it was a terrible question with an obvious answer. Darren groaned something that didn’t sound like a human word, so Lauren continued. “It’s okay. His family is here and they understand.” She knew nothing about that statement made sense, but she wanted to say something that could comfort him. “Everything is in place. I’ll get some sleep and then later I’ll visit you there, okay?” The reply was another unintelligible sound and she decided to hang up before it was too much.

Caroline’s silhouette came from the shadows of the opened door in her dark room, seeming to have been dozing off in her bed, trying to wait until she arrived.

“What happened?”

“I went to the hospital. His family is there and they’re taking care of everything now.” Lauren explained, “They’re hosting the funeral in two days, since it’s been… you know, so unexpected.”

Her roommate noted the way her voice broke in the last sentence, and walked to her to embrace her in a hug. Lauren sobbed quietly with the wave of relief that came along with that gesture. The stress from being the responsible of Rick had been weighting on her for the last few hours, and now that she was at home, it all felt like coming out.

“I’m still trying to let it sink in. It was so bizarre, it felt it couldn’t be the actual reason of all those people being there and asking me questions.”

“I know.” Caroline said before pulling away, “It’s awful. I can’t believe it yet. And not _him_ , you know?”

Lauren nodded slowly. She felt so exhausted.

Caroline noticed, so she added sweetly, “You should go to sleep. I’ll wake you up in the late morning.”

She nodded again and walked to her dorm. She fell asleep before the memories could reach her and play a bad trick to her in dreams.

 

~

It was Caroline’s voice, too, the one that woke her up the next day.

“I made you some tea,” She said sweetly, and Lauren sensed a weight taking a seat at the feet of her bed.

“Oh, thank you.” She replied, before yawning and lighting the lamp on her bedside table.

“It’s almost noon.” The red-haired girl announced as she handed her the cup.

Lauren ran a hand through her face in an attempt to wake herself up. She was usually awake in Sundays since hours ago, but she had no idea what time it was when she got there from the hospital, so she couldn’t determine the amount of sleep she had. It did not seem enough.

The hot brew did work to make her more aware.

“Do you know how Darren is?  Did you talk to him?” Caroline asked, observing her from the other side of the mattress.

Lauren shook her head, “Not yet. I don’t know, Caroline.” She pressed her lips together, looking at the green liquid filling half of her cup. “He was really close to Rick. These days are going to be hard. I’ll have to be there for him.”

“Exactly.” She agreed immediately, and then added “I’ll do the same thing with Joe. We have to, like, keep our shit together because we’ll be the backup they will rely on.”

Lauren sighed. She wanted to say that it wasn’t the same, that she didn’t know Joe or had even a nearly close bond as she had with Darren, and that it was completely different; but she choose to take what was actually useful from that message, because it was partly right.

She finished the cup of tea, changed her clothes, prepared a bag and announced to her friend that she’d be at Darren’s for a while. As it was common in her, walking cleared up her mind, and by the time she got there, she felt much more capable of fronting what was in the other side of the door.

 Darren wasn’t opening the door at first, and she wondered if he was asleep and she should let him rest.

“Darren. It’s Lauren.” She called, knocking again, hopefully loud enough.

Lauren started to feel heavy again when the figure behind the door being opened left clear he had gone through one of the hardest nights.

She didn’t say anything before walking the steps between them and wrapping her arms around his back. She felt his hands holding her waist, and his deep breathing as his head pressed gently –though strongly against hers; and she could only pull him closer, trying to sort out the words to say next.

“I’m so sorry.” Lauren said quietly after a moment, and they stayed there, holding each other in that long, intimate embrace.

Darren didn’t say anything when he finally pulled away. He walked to the couch and she followed his steps.

“Have you gotten any sleep at all?”

The dark bags under his eyes and the way his body felt a bit cold and trembling were actually enough of an answer.

“Not really.” He replied, shaking his head. He had lied on his bed the entire night, but thinking about closing one eye was a completely different business.

“I’m gonna make something to eat.” She commented, leaving her bag at the table and walking to the kitchen.

“I really don’t…”

“You need to eat something, and I do, too. I’ve only had a tea today.” Lauren interrupted firmly.

Darren looked at her from his spot at the couch, while she turned the compartments of his kitchen upside down to find something useful. That attitude of acting like if that was the most normal day in their lives let him sort of astonished for a bit.

“How bad was last night?” He asked after a while.

Lauren’s hands became clumsy trying to open a package of rice.

“It wasn’t that bad. Everyone understood that it was just an accident and they left me alone right away.” She explained, avoiding to mention how Rick’s mother’s sobs had been heard since her seat in the hall, forty seconds before she was at her sight. “How was yours?”

Darren ignored that question and she didn’t insist. They ate a simple lunch in silence, Darren cleaned half of his plate out of Lauren’s pressure and did his best attempt to keep it in his stomach. Lauren kept what was left of the rice in a plastic container in the fridge.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lauren knew long before the words were expressed out loud that the answer would never be _yes_ , because there are things that engrave so profoundly and harmfully deep at heart that they never come out purposively.

“I don’t think it’s all ready to come out yet.” He just shook his head before it placed on the top of the couch, tilting it to look at her.

“Well, we have one last film in our watch-list, you know. It could… distract us a bit. I feel that we really need it.”

“Sure.” Darren said, but she kind of felt she could’ve suggested to jump from the Empire State building and he would’ve answered the same thing with the same level of enthusiasm.

Darren’s cellphone rang on the table, while she walked to it to get the movie from her bag. Lauren glanced quickly at the screen, almost without wanting to, and she distinguished Joe’s name on the screen along with a number that indicated that was not the first time he called. Lauren wondered for a moment if Caroline (or someone, anyone) was there with him, and if she was succeeding on her attempt to comfort him, and if he was suffering as badly as Darren –or worse. 

In a sort of way, playing the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in a moment like that was a waste, because none of them was actually watching the movie, despite the screen displayed it in front of them for about one hour. Darren sat down on the floor, his back resting onto the lower part of the couch, and Lauren was sitting in the corner of it, her legs crossed and her mind eventually dozing off as the so-familiar scenes were being shown near her but failing in their usual role of comforting her. They spent half of the film in silence, but at least there was a sound as background for all of this.

It was only later that Darren started talking, and it actually surprised her.

It came out like that breath you give when you’re finally out of the water, and you’ve been holding the air in your mouth for way longer than what you were supposed to.

“It was my fault.”

The words sank in the heavy silence.

Lauren couldn’t really process the meaning of that sentence, so she sat down on the floor, next to him, as she just asked, “What?”

He wasn’t looking at her first, and his eyes were lost in some place between the TV’s screen and last night’s warmness sliding through the cement.

“He was my responsibility, Lauren.” He shook his head and only then looked at her, and the self revulsion and detestation were drawn on his expression like if it were a painting. “He had always been, and he trusted me since the start, and now…”

“Everyone knows what they’re getting into when they compete in a race. These things happen all the time. Please, don’t think it’s your fault.”

She hated the sentence she threw off in the middle of that discourse, because _all things_ happen everywhere _all the time_ , but that doesn’t mean anything when they happen to someone you love. But Darren wasn’t genuinely listening neither. At least, not yet. Maybe later, when he had gotten some sleep and the memories had settled in another part of his brain, more profound and distant, he could process them from afar.

“You know what I said to him?” He continued, his voice breaking slightly every five words and she knew what was coming next, and she was aware that it was what he needed. “ _Man up_. As if I could ever be something nearly as better than him. And he fucking listened to me, which was the biggest mistake of his life.”

(Lauren had never heard a man crying before. Not even his dad, the day when he announced he was moving out of the house because he and her mother were divorcing. There were tears coming out of his eyes, yes, but they looked the same that came out of hers while watching one of those romantic films she loved; she did not see the grief forcefully tearing its way out of his soul, or the longing to rip off hair, hands, heart or whatever part of the body was the cause of this self-produced sorrow, like Greek tragedians; Oedipus stabbing his own eyes.)

Her hands slid to the back of his head and pulled him to her chest, and he compliantly accepted the site, reclining his head there as he continued, the words ripping off everything in their way out:

“He _trusted me_ , and –I failed him. I feel I can’t even trust myself now.”

Lauren didn’t say anything else because every possible comforting phrase would’ve been a conventional quote almost taken out of a card, and Darren was never satisfied with clichés. So she just let him vent it all there, caresses in the middle of dreadfully sobs and teardrops creeping down through skin and clothes; nothing more than an occasional kiss on the forehead. Darren cried for a long time, and she didn’t know how she could’ve seen him before as invulnerable when the guttural sounds echoing in his throat were quivering him there, in her arms, reaching out so hopelessly that a weight of pain settled in her chest as well, as if the ache of her compassion could somehow minimize his.

 It almost felt like if the day had elapsed there. She didn’t need to insist when sleeping was mentioned; a sandwich and half a sandwich in the way. Darren was changing his clothes in his room when she went to the bathroom.

Lauren was washing her teeth when she caught in the mirror’s reflection last night’s outfit extended behind her, next to the shower. She had to close her eyes for a moment after distinguishing the dried blood in the shoes and jeans. She wondered if he hadn’t washed anything because he just didn’t feel like doing it right then, or if it was because that dirty smudge was the last tread of Rick’s life. If she knew Darren, it was most likely the second one.

Lauren lied down next to Darren on the bed, the lamp still turned on. She liked how sleeping together had a completely different connotation for them, they could share a bed with no other intention besides taking care of each other’s sleep.

“Lauren,” he called her quietly, the head on the pillow turning to see her –his eyes still mildly pink. “About the other night…”

“We don’t have to talk about this now. Let’s leave it for another occasion.”

“But…” Darren seemed troubled. “Are we okay?”

“Yeah, we are.” Lauren’s hand ran slowly up through his arm, reaching his shoulder and caressing it softly. “Do you want to sleep?”

Darren still felt sort of dubious about sleeping, but he noticed the exhaustion in her looks, so he decided it was worth the try. His hand caught hers, gently intertwining their fingers together. The skin of their extremities seemed to merge with one another, holding each other like a bridge made of paper.

“I think I want to.”

“Okay.”

Darren reached the lamp and turned the lights off. He heard Lauren’s sleepy breath long before he reached his, but at some point of the night he became unconscious, and luckily, the bad dreams stayed away from that room, too.

The next morning, Lauren awoke him with a delicious breakfast in bed, and he was surprised to find himself finishing it entirely. It was only then that he realized that the pain on his chest had considerably decreased to the level of allowing him to eat and breathe normally, and he felt with much more energy and will to move. That unendurable moment stopped repeating in his retina every minute, and the sounds stopped ringing in his ears. But he still was far from feeling okay.

“I have class now, but I’ll see you tomorrow at the funeral. Will you be okay?” The last words tasted bitter and surreal in her tongue.

Darren nodded, “I’ll go visit Joe. See how he’s doing. I didn’t pick up his calls yesterday, and he must be trying to not crumble down so hard. I know him, he needs someone like me to take it out. Won’t let anyone else get near.”

“You guys should all gather up, be there for each other. None of you should be alone right now.” She suggested, tying her hair in a ponytail, almost ready to take off.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Lauren stood up and grabbed her bag from the floor, “And Lauren.” He grabbed her wrist, standing up from the bed. His tone was serious and honest when he let out “I really don’t know how to thank you for all of this. Everything. You…”

“You don’t need to.” She cut him off, and then sweetly kissed him on the cheek, “See you tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

 

If you could say it like that, the day of Rick’s funeral was calm. It’d have been a nice day for a motorcycle journey, at least it’d have been through some two-days-past eyes. A mildly fresh wind, sunshine at the perfect combination of light and burn, dew vanishing on the top of the grass.

Rick’s mother gave a wonderful, beautiful, touching speech that should’ve made anyone in there cry. But none of them did, because those childhood stories and livelong memories felt almost like describing another person. It wasn’t the Rick they had known. It was bizarre and they felt like outsiders there, observing in silence, at the end of that moderately long row, a tribute they weren’t invited to. Darren was sweating under the suit when the coffin was descended out of his sight. It wasn’t a long ceremony.

Lauren reached him by the end, her toes humid from the occasional contact with exceedingly long grass; she couldn’t stand being there anymore, she needed to go home. She gave him a hug and proceeded to ask if he’d be okay. She was wearing a black and white knee-length dress, and she looked absolutely gorgeous, dainty and serene like a young widow. He explained he’d stay a while with the guys and she understood instantly. _Call me if you need anything_ , she said. He kissed her sweetly and shortly before she leaved.

A few beers in the way, they walked to the calmest, bleakest part of the cemetery where nobody would bother them. It was strange that all of them were there, dressed up for such a sad occasion, and that nobody really knew what to say but they felt a peculiar need to be with each other –whether it was out of social conventions or because they were genuinely in the need of support.

“How are you coping with all of this?” Darren asked to Brian. He, Joe and Rachel were sitting on a bench, and Brian, Jim and Jeff were sitting in old unremembered headstones in front of them. Joey Richter went, and leaved after giving all of them his condolences, giving Darren the heads-up he wanted to share a talk with him later. Darren didn’t really care about anything he could possibly say, but he just nodded.

“Like all of us, I guess.” Brian replied calmly. “I could only sleep after getting so drunk I passed out last night. It just doesn’t feel real enough yet. I don’t know how I’ll handle it when it actually does.”

Darren had reached that point, and he hated that he didn’t have a single useful advice for his friend.

“I know what you mean.”

Brian drank from the Heneiken bottle and handed it to Darren. “Listen, about what Lauren did that night… She saved us. She knows that, right?”

“Of course. It’s pretty clear.”

Brian’s surprise came from a place of admiration. “I didn’t really buy that you guys were serious before. But seeing that… She must truly care about you.”

It had been a long time since Darren heard someone saying that in that tone of voice, it was sort of hard to believe and even less coming from someone like Lauren –why was she losing her time with him anyway? But he shut that question out because it was the worst time to bring it up.

“She really does, doesn’t she?” He drank from the bottle before passing it to Joe next to him, “She’s something else, Brian.”

Brian’s slow nod agreed with that statement. A strange, slightly uncomfortable talk took place between the group. Kind of sharing old memories, kind of crying every now and then, kind of ranting about the world’s unfairness. Rachel leaved after yelling at Jim, though nobody could really become angry at her for being upset. Soon her departure was followed by the rest, until the only people there were Darren and Joe, sharing the last traces of the already warm and distasteful liquid in a bottle and not talking.

It had become a bit cloudy by then, the wind turning colder. Darren let Joe finish the bottle as he lighted a cigar. He had only given a few puffs before everything came out again, like the day before, looking at the peaceful landscape of the cemetery, throwing the smoke to one side. Maybe everything would stay there, at the rim of his skin, seizing any downfall of self-control to slip out.

“I killed him.” He threw off, harsh and cold. “Rick. You know?”

He said it with such honesty and graveness that Joe stared at him for a moment, speechless.

“Nobody killed Rick, Darren.” He finally said. “It was an accident.”

Great part of him wanted to scream it, let everyone know, that it was his fault and –if anything- he should be the one feet underground. But the most common reaction, people’s pity, was something he didn’t want or could even handle right then; so he only confessed it to those special persons he knew would not give those christian eyes and a look of mercy back at him.

Darren’s voice was doing that thing again, breaking and crumbling down until it choked against his teeth.

“I acted like a complete asshole to him that night. He was my responsibility since the start, and I signed him up on that race almost by force. I practically sent him there, Joe, to that stupid curve to die.”

Joe could see Darren’s eyes and what they were holding, but he didn’t mention it. He looked much more hopeless and depressed than an hour before, in the actual ceremony, and it was physically painful to observe.

“How could you know?” Joe shook his head, slightly moving closer and with not much idea about what he was supposed to do. It was rare that Darren could not keep himself together, but right then he was in a very dark place and it was more than obvious. “Listen. _Listen_. You’re a good man, Darren. It’s –you’re not a murderer, and you could never be.”

Joe pulled Darren’s head to his shoulder after the first sob broke in his throat before reaching the air, and Darren cried there the same way he had cried 24 hours before in Lauren’s arms, time crossing them thorough without compassion; the feeling of losing something else besides a person clinging with long, stinging fingernails from places he couldn’t point out.

 

* * *

 

“The door.” The voice reached a hand shaking carelessly his shoulder as he still tried to wake himself up on his own.

“What?”

“The door.” The feminine voice repeated, before the body turned around and continued to try to sleep. “There’s someone calling you.”

Joe rubbed his eyes, sighing with a throaty voice, and then dragged himself to the door. An employer gave him an exceeding amount of information for that hour of the morning, he caught merely something more than _errand_ and _garage_ and _signing_ but the relation of those words with each other made no sense.

He almost asked again what was the deal, once he followed the employer to the ground floor, and he was actually aware that there was something going on. But he lost his breath for a long while when a garage door was opened, and he understood everything and absolutely nothing at the same time.

The steps he gave were almost out of will. His hands extended forward to the leather, and glass, confirming that it was real, and he could not fall into the count of it.

“Who left it here?”

Something about a weird confidentiality and a third acting out in nobody’s name was mentioned, but the thing was that his old motorbike was right there, in front of him, appearing the same way it vanished: as a mystery. And he almost couldn’t feel guilty of being happy in a moment like that.

 

* * *

 

 

Lauren would never say it to him, but the truth is that _things got better_. It’s a cliché but time does heal, and while two weeks later Darren still woke up often in the middle of the night with his entire body covered in sweat, slapping his way off a nightmare that was really more of a memory than anything else (Sometimes a call followed that moment: _Are you awake?_ ; _Yeah, sweetie, what’s going on?;_ _You weren’t awake…_ and _well, I am now, so you’ll have to give me some talk anyway_ ). But he stayed as close to his friends as the need for loneliness allowed him, and he felt like slowly coming back to normalcy; a normalcy in which something was missing, but was slightly more familiar and comfortable than the feeling of numbness intruding from inside out.

Brian often visited him with Caliban, the dog that was supposed to be his birthday gift, until the gatekeeper stopped believing either that Brian was blind or that Caliban was a guide dog – _as if_. Meanwhile, they’d stay there on his couch, whether it was mildly studying, or drinking, or sharing careless talks. Caliban would mess up the entire place until Darren gave up and served him a plate of any kind of food.

Darren was hanging out at Lauren’s apartment for no reason in particular, she was working on an essay in her laptop though not really putting her mind into it, and he was jamming a bit with his guitar, though he wasn’t playing anything consistent neither.

Darren thought it came out of nowhere, really. Maybe it was just that she needed to check if they were ready to have another one of their usual pseudo-intellectual conversations she had missed so much.

“Hear this. Do you believe in God?” She stuck her head above the laptop to fix her gaze on him, curious.

He turned around to look at her, confused, while a finger slid through the guitar’s chord. “What kind of essay are you writing?”

Lauren shook her head, “It’s nothing. I was just thinking.”                             

He thought that maybe Rick’s death didn’t mess up only him.

“You go first.” Darren lied against the couch, his chin resting on the top. “Inspire me.”

Lauren shrugged first.

“Well, I’ve always participated in my parent’s religions, both Jewish and Christian. You could say I even had plenty of options. I do enjoy it, but at the end of the day…”

“It’s not enough.” Darren abridged.

“I mean, I do believe in _something_ , you know. Something greater and bigger that gives order to the universe and our lives. The _logos_ , right? I need that reliability to feel comfortable. But sometimes I feel noting of it makes sense, and that I’m just cheating myself the same way people did when they created a God or whatever.”

“But first, it was chaos.” Darren commented while raising an eyebrow. Then he added, in a more serious tone, “I don’t think the point of religion is to make sense, it’s just about faith and if you can’t find it by yourself they won’t help you. If you question it, then it’s simply not for you.”

Lauren found funny that he seemed to have it all figured out.

“I can guess you have a reason to stand up against all of that,” She replied, entertained while a grin was drawn on her lips. She was learning to not take those conversations so at heart, “I’m waiting.”

Darren laughed shortly, “I suppose my reliability consists in the lack of an universal order, organization being the most human, therefore vulgar of things. If I believed in something, it would surely not be someone that needs to have a book of rules. Like, fuck you, I have another humans to annoy the shit out of me already.”

Lauren giggled quietly and bit her lip before teasing, “God is dead, then?”

“More like out drinking while the kids are in the charge of a teenage babysitter.”

“You should write that down, Nietzsche.” She suggested, amused, pointing at him.

“Trust me, I will.” He joked, turning back again to go back to his guitar. Then, when the conversation seemed to be over, he added lowly, “Right now I wish I believed in any of it, though. Like, anything.”

Lauren’s grin faded, and she observed him and realized there was nothing she could say.

Darren’s phone rang and he was surprised to see Brian was calling him, and less at that hour of the night.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Darren. You need to come to my apartment right now. It’s urgent.”

“What’s going on?”

“Just come. As soon as you can.”

He replied that he’d be there in a few minutes before hanging up.

“What’s wrong with him?” Lauren asked, surprised, at his announcement.

“No idea. He sounds pretty serious. I’ll update you later.” Darren said, quickly grabbing his stuff.

He kissed her before taking off. When he got to Brian’s apartment, Caliban jumped onto him.

“Hey, buddy. I’ve no food for you.” He said, petting the brown dog’s neck and ears, but he didn’t understand Darren’s message and continued to smell him all over.

Brian opened the door with a pale face that frightened him much more than the strange phone call, that part of him still hoped it to be some sort of bad prank. When he first asked what was going on Brian just repeated _come in, come in_ , shaky hands in pockets and a strong smell of nicotine over him. Darren swallowed heavy, nervous, resting his guitar against the wall of the room.

“You’re scaring the hell out of me, Brian. Just tell me already.”

Brian grabbed a pair of keys from his bedside table, and he pushed a package of cigarettes into Darren’s chest.

“We’ll need them, just take ‘em.” He explained, walking out of the room. He looked uneasy, like if there was a secret consuming him deep inside, a feeling Darren was very familiar with.

Darren followed him through the intern garden of the building, which was now pretty sad since it was dark, poorly lightened and with plants that college students had no time to waste on. He unlocked the padlock and opened the door of the garage everyone in the building shared.

“Joe had talked with Rick’s parents to let them keep the bike once the police returned it, but since miracles happen and he got his bike back, I was keeping it for a while in here.” He explicated, while they walked through the shed full of all kind of vehicles. “I figured to take a look at it, you know, find out what happened. And I realized that the police didn’t even check it out, or they just didn’t care enough to say something.” They finally got to Rick’s bike and Darren’s throat tied itself. He didn’t know what that was about, but seeing his last ride there, mudguard broken and one rearview mirror less… he wasn’t ready. Brian turned on a light near, and then crouched next to the bike. “I thought the clutch cable simply snapped, since that’s something that can happen if you’re unlucky, and it actually did, so I thought for a while that was it. An unfortunate accident, but something didn’t fit because Rick was an expert in these things. He wouldn’t just let his motorcycle broke down before a race; that didn’t make sense. And then… I realized there was something wrong with the chain gear too. It’s been manipulated in such a way to… get increasingly loose, I suppose.” He pointed at things, and the details escaped from his friend’s ears, trying to catch the point of that explanation before it was articulated. “That way, when Rick needed and tried to slow down, not only he couldn’t do it in the short time he should’ve, but the motorcycle went out of control then.”

Darren frowned. He wasn’t getting it. He couldn’t be getting it. “Brian. What are you trying to say?”

Brian breathed deeply before his eyes fixed on Darren’s, severe and bitter.

“That Rick’s death wasn’t an accident.” Nothing felt as real as when those words were expressed out lout. His voice sounded, if it was possible, both worried and relieved at the same time. “He was murdered.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters are getting harder and emotionally intense to write. A review would really mean a lot to me right now! You don't even have to sign in. x


	19. Share the guilt

**Chapter 19: Share the guilt**

“He was never happy with Darren coming back.” Brian took a seat next to the aforementioned, and they shared a look of complicity.

“Well, how could he be? Two years ago, I was his perfect target to get rid off any possible consequence, until I practically slid from the tip of his fingers. I can imagine his reaction to find now that I was back partially immune, and worse, in charge of a business. He was waiting for the chance for things to get spiced up and do something.” Darren explained calmly, reclining into his seat. “Thanks, dude.” He said as Jim handed him a glass of Campari, which he was serving for the group.

Everyone was quiet, serious, at the table, hearing carefully and sort of frightened their explanations. Darren had convoked an urgent meeting after he and Brian had been locked in for basically two days straight trying to join dots, and later on, to scheme the plan coming up. It wasn’t an easy task, but everything was pretty much settled in when they called the rest, with nothing but the only hope they’d agree to be involved in it. Lauren was there, too, but she was merely observing them from afar, sitting on the kitchen’s counter. She always found fascinating how different Darren acted with his peers in certain circumstances like that one, he seemed distant and imposing to the point of arrogance, but none of his friends –except Joe, but in other situations- seemed to question his word or find this attitude condescending or immoral. She couldn’t make clear if that was due the inherent nature of the gang, or because Darren had done things that validated such treatment.

“And it happened in November. Rick’s first race.” Darren continued. “Joe sabotaged the bike of the only serious competitor of his series, so Rick could win. What we didn’t know is that he was from Perkins’ circle, and that he was actually sent to get updated. How did you say he’s called, Brian?”

“Um, Tyler. Tyler Sagner… or something.”

“The guy realized it was us and got pissed off. Remember? Rick punched him, and I think that was the point where they decided we crossed the line. Of course they wouldn’t leave it like that.” Darren made a pause to drink from his glass. At that point, the truth had sunk in so deeply and everything was planned with so many detail that he could express it out loud without turning into a mess. But there, inside of Brian’s apartment, he had lost it quite a few times, the reality hitting him violently. “Then, Christmas. When I met him, he said that he sent one of his guys to the last race, and that he was going to be there the next time, but I didn’t listen. I thought they were empty words. I could never…” A sigh. Then, a few more sips from his glass. “They never act without a warning. Never. It’s not their style. And we had it, in New Year’s. We just didn’t catch it. They were with their bikes half a block away from our party, teasing us, and they practically made us now that they had someone inside of the house. Rachel, you were the one that found the guy they sent after a while. Answer me this: was he the one preparing the drinks?”

Rachel frowned, trying to recall a moment she hadn’t given so much relevance.

“Um… Yeah, I think so.” She finally replied.

“He’s called Scott, Brian found out. The guy is a newbie, a total inept and that’s why they sent him. That night, before we knew who he was, he gave me a drink. A black beer, I think. An, um, Imperial Stout. It had some kind of drug that was supposed to fuck me up.”

Joe shook his head. “But nothing happened to you that night.”

“Because I didn’t get to drink it. I was going to, but by coincidence… Lauren did.” The pause before the end of the sentence made clear the memory wasn’t that distant as he wished it to be; and he didn’t look at anyone in particular as he let it out.

Joe’s eyes diverted to Lauren for only a second, his jaw trembled; before he looked down and stayed in silence in a mood complicated enough to be impossible to figure out only at sight. Everything was starting to make sense, like if they found the lost instructions of something they had almost finished using.

“It was a warning for us and we completely missed it.” Darren threw with a hint of grudge towards himself and his friends. “Then they waited for the perfect opportunity, which didn’t sort out until we gave another race night. Which is pretty much what leads us here.” He gulped before giving the final statement that summed all up, “It was Michael. It was always him and his group; they’ve been planning it for months.”

Darren’s gaze fixed on his glass first, and then on Brian; while the rest processed everything, but it was much more information than what they could handle. Most of them had their gazes lost, like if they just couldn’t buy it yet. Joe and Rachel were the first ones to react. First, she ran a hand fervently through her hair, putting it behind, and attempting to control whatever feelings were waiting inside her to burst out.

Joe looked at her, then at Darren. He seemed confident and set to act out.

“So? What now?” He asked.

Then Rachel slapped the table with the palm of her hand, making a sudden blare in the heavy silence, and said:

“We finish him off, of course.”

“No.”

She looked at Darren, completely outraged by that daunting and sharp response. “What are you saying? They _killed_ Rick, and you want to just let them walk away…”

“We’re not going to kill him. There’s nothing enough fair or satisfying in ending a person’s life just like that; he doesn’t even deserve that pleasure.” The way his eyes shined when he said that, and looked at her, were enough to convince her that their plan was good. “I want him to see his life crumbling down and realizing there’s nothing he can do about it. Wanting to end his life and without the courage to do it. _That_ ’d be justice.”

Joe nodded immediately. “What’s the plan?”

Brian ran the tip of his index finger through his bottom lip before starting to explain, “Jeff was able to find out through… a friend, that they have this sort of forum or website, where they post the pictures and files of mostly every activity they carry out. We’re unaware if this is like a macabre museum they feel proud of, or if it’s a way to tie themselves to something bigger, or what, but we know that getting access to that site could definitely enable us to have power over them and continue with our plan.”

Darren continued Brian’s introduction, “Once we have the evidence we know there’s in that website, we start ruining Michael & Co’s life. First, we attack in a place that’s not unexpected enough to get suspicions, but we know is absolutely damaging for them: the University. It’s where we’ll send the information first. Once they’re expelled or the further we can get, we let them lose their minds for a bit, and later we take it to the press with whatever we find the most embarrassing or morally disgusting thing, so we can get people to hate them wherever they go. We let the social nemesis to sink in for a while until it practically destroys their public life. And lastly, when they think it’s over, the _crème de la crème_ : the police. By that point, it’ll be impossible that somebody can defend them or cover them, and they’ll have no other option that to lock them up for the rest of their lives for everything they’ve done.”

“We’ve discussed this with Joey, since he’s like, an informatics freak, and he said it’s possible to get in the site if you’re smart.” Brian added.

Joey cleared his throat, slightly uncomfortable, resting his arms with his fingers intertwined on the table, before explaining the part he already agreed to take on.  He hadn’t been very convinced at first, since he had known them for a relatively short time, and he had never even wanted to get so involved in any of it; but Darren told him the part of their story that was necessary to gain his sympathy and compassion, claiming they’d be screwed if he didn’t help them, and the cajolery soon paid off.

“Like the stuff they publish is obviously highly illegal and secret, they don’t have the site in the regular internet, but in a level that’s more difficult to accede called the deep web. I was able to hack one of their e-mails, but since they use a different one for the deep web, I can’t find out- neither hack it, online. The only way we can, let’s say, _copy_ a password to get in, it’s if we can get one of the computers they logged in with.”

“I’ve a friend that lives in the same floor as our buddy, Tyler.” Brian said, “We’ve been there, and it’s possible to access to Tyler’s apartment through the ventilation system in the ceiling.”

“Seems like if you’ve got it all figured out.” Joe admired, obviously impressed.

“ _Almost_.” Brian cut off, and then pressed his lips together in a sign of distress. He stood up and stole Darren’s glass to drink, and then leaved it on the table with a slightly loud hit, obviously exhausted of thinking about it. “It turns out that the ventilation conduit is really small and fragile for someone like me.”

“I can do it.” Rachel barged in quickly, seeming even eager to volunteer.

Brian shook his head, “You couldn’t get in neither, Rachel. It’s too small.”

“I’ll go.” Darren snapped, “Come on, it can’t be that bad.”

Brian let out a sigh of frustration from having to continue explaining it, “You can’t, Darren! You’re too heavy. Any of us is. We need someone smaller and thinner.”

“Who is skinny enough for you, then?” Rachel asked, upset.

Brian didn’t say anything as he watched Rachel letting that question out. He just gulped, slowly standing up straighter, and then turned around, to look at someone who had been listening all along but had remained surprisingly quiet.

Lauren felt the time literally hindering for a moment as everyone’s eyes fixed on her all of sudden. Their faces were so serious, and the pressure so unexpected that there was a weight settling in her chest as she felt she couldn’t move. Her mind was in blank, yet she sensed it screaming at the same time.

Darren was the first one to talk.

“No.” He snapped, certain and even offended of having to stand against it. He was aware of the difference of Lauren’s body type with _any_ of them, but he could never allow that. “No, no, absolutely not. She’s not going to get involved in this, Brian. Leave her out.”

“But we _need_ her!” Brian replied loudly, showing off a temper that wasn’t usual in him, as he tried to bring his friend to senses.

“No.” Darren repeated, like if it was needed to be cleared again. “We’ll manipulate or break the door, and that’s it.”

“But there’s cameras in the hall and they’ll know it was us.”

“We’ll find another way, then!” Darren was just as determined as him to have the final word, and they weren’t afraid to speak up their reasons through the tone that was necessary. The tension was almost touchable. “It’s not going to happen, okay?”

“This is the best plan that had occurred to us, and you know it.” Brian snapped.

Meanwhile, Lauren had jumped from the counter and walked between Brian and Darren, slowly and discreetly, without gathering anyone’s attention until she talked.

“Brian.” She called calmly, and his attention turned to her at the instant. “In the case I accepted it, what would I do?”

Darren’s eyes fixed on her so powerfully that she could almost feel them dismissing fire.

“It’s completely simple.” He calmed her quickly, with a reassuring expression. “A monkey could do it, that’s why they do it in the movies all the time. We just wait for a schedule when we know he’s out, we help you climb the air-vent system, and I guide you to get to Tyler’s apartment. You climb down, and connect a pen drive to his computer, with a program Joey will teach you to use…”

“It’s really easy as well,” Joey said. “You see, it automatically downloads the online history and copies the memory into the program…”

“Okay, okay.” Brian interrupted after realizing that was taking more time than the expected. “You do _that_ , and then come back the exact same way, but we’d be in contact with our phones all the time. He’d never know you’re there. It’s completely safe.”

“It’s dangerous.” Darren contradicted dryly.

“Oh, come on!” Rachel seemed stressed as well. “What could possibly happen?”

“You don’t know. Nobody knows. Unpredictable things can happen.”

“Don’t be a baby, Darren.” Jeff rolled his eyes, and a general complaint sounded lowly in the table, causing a low babble.

Until Lauren’s voice raised above theirs, “I can do it.”

“ _Yes!”_ Rachel yelled, suddenly happy, and the general complaint turned into a fate of ovation.

But it didn’t last long, because Darren stood up, and the creak of his chair brought the silence back.

“Can we talk? _In private.”_ He asked to Lauren –though it wasn’t really a question, and his eyes were severe when he said it.

Brian rolled his eyes; as Lauren followed Darren to his room. She closed the door for privacy, and that serious look was still on his face when she turned around, his shoulder lying against the wall.

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

“You heard Brian, you need me!” She replied, walking to him until they were close. “You don’t have another choice.”

“You don’t understand how dangerous this can be. You can’t do it. I can’t let you get involved with any of this. If something happens to you, I –After Rick… I’d _never_ forgive myself.”

His voice broke down in that last bit. Lauren gently placed a hand on the side of his face, her thumb caressing his cheek. Darren was breathing heavily, but trying to seem invulnerable was useless at that point. She knew exactly what was going on inside of him, and she understood that the reason of his attitude was coming from nowhere else but being worried; but there was something else, besides wanting to help him, that was pushing her to accept Brian’s idea.

“I’m involved in this since the moment I choose to be with you. I want to be a part of your world. Let me do this.”

Darren sighed deeply. There was a knot in his throat, and the least he wanted was to accept that, but it was so hard to decline anything when she talked like that, gently as nobody ever talked to him, and caressed him like if he deserved it. It was incredible how much she could control him without realizing.

“It can go wrong… There are things we can’t control.” The way his voice had quieted and softened gave him away.

“I know, but –I’ve never done something like that. I want to do it.” She insisted, discreetly sliding a bit closer, her hand falling to his neck. “I know I can do it. Trust me.”

“I’ve never doubted that.” He replied quietly. The corner of his lips bent, and the wild curls falling over his forehead grazed the skin on the top of her head. “But I don’t know, Lauren…”

“It’ll be easier for both of us if we face this together. Don’t you think?” She continued quietly. “It must get unbearable for you sometimes. Share the guilt with me.”

How was it that she always knew exactly what to say to get under his skin, in that point where it was dark and restricted?

Darren’s forehead finally fell against hers. He gulped and stayed a moment in silence, his eyes almost closed. “You really care about me,” He said, and he knew it shouldn’t sound that bitter.

“Of course I do, idiot.” Lauren said, before breaking the distance between them with a soft, delicate kiss. Darren’s hand held her jaw as he kissed back.

“I’m sorry,” Brian said, opening the door and sharply interrupting the scene, “Oh, God, I’m so sorry. Oh, shit. This is so embarrassing, guys.” He continued to say in an ironic tone, as he literally walked in front of them and looked at them at the expectancy, waiting for the final resolution. “So?”

“I’m in,” Lauren replied with a grin.

“She said yes!” Brian yelled as he clapped, and the cheers from the other room joined him quickly.

Darren shook his head, and warned “You’ll have to get used to that.”

Rachel gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when they walked out of the room.

“Welcome to the jungle,” There was a smile on her lips as she said that.

For some unknown reason, Lauren was smiling too, and there was a tingling inside her that made her a strange combination of excited, scared and proud.

She knew that aphorism wasn’t just a conventional analogy, and that there was more of jungle than figurative meaning, but she was ready to test that out.  

  

* * *

 

 

Caroline was browsing between her notes on the table when Lauren got home. She made two cups of coffee, and handed one to her roommate. _What have you been doing?_ She asked while she continued mostly focused in her notes, and Lauren’s vague response of _just hanging out_ made her friend raise eyebrows. _It’s not what you think_ , she replied, which was completely true.

“Whatever, do you have plans for this weekend? It’s karaoke night at the Hard Rock Café. It seems like it’s gonna be fun.”

“I’m sorry, I’m going on a trip with Darren and the gang.” Lauren’s nails nervously tapped the cup between her hands. Going on a trip was a very light code for breaking into someone’s house to steal information from his computer.

Caroline looked at her, “Oh.” She merely said first. “Where are you guys going?”

“New York.” Lauren replied quickly, like if she had been trained to say that. “To the beach.”

It wasn’t really a lie, since everyone else had agreed that they needed to seize the trip to go to The Hamptons afterwards, and spend the night by the beach before coming back. And it wasn’t that she didn’t trust Caroline, but as Darren said before, golden rule is that flies can’t get inside of closed mouths.

“That sounds cool.” She observed, although her tone sounded apathetic. “Is Joe going with you?”

Lauren’s lips split way too long before the words came out. “I don’t know. I guess so.”

Caroline’s gaze turned back to her notes and she pretended that there wasn’t a conversation going on. Lauren sat down in the chair next to her, leaving the cup of coffee on the table.

“Look, you guys have been dating for just a few weeks. They’ve just now planned this, and it doesn’t mean anything.”

Caroline rested her chin on the palm of her hand, stressed. “It’s just that… I didn’t want to act like a stupid and assume things that weren’t happening, so I asked him to be straight with me, like, _what are we doing_ , you know? And he said that he considers me his girlfriend. Why’d he even say that and then act otherwise, if I’m giving him the chance to play cool?”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want to rush things.”

Lauren couldn’t genuinely believe he was defending Joe, but Caroline later seemed satisfied with that reason; deciding it wouldn’t even be a couple kind of trip, and that it wasn’t a big deal.

There are secrets that eventually get unbearable, consuming you from inside out until the air doesn’t feel like such anymore, the way Darren felt until he finally decided to give Joe’s bike back to him, and afterwards sleeping like he hadn’t done in months. But there are others secrets that feel like grenades inside, waiting for a chance to slip out and destroy everything around you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews and other forms of making me know you're reading the story help me so much to continue faster, and I deeply appreciate them. Thank you so much!


	20. Tidal wave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just spent literally five entire nights to finish this. I'm not sure what it is but it's 9 am and i really need to sleep so i'm just letting it in here, like, it's you guys' problem now.  
> THere's smut oh no I'm so bad!!! Feel free to skip it, though it's the only mildly decent thing in the chapter. It's right at the end.  
> did I mention this is INSANELY LONG? It's insanely long.   
> I SUCK AT FLUFF SORRY.

**Chapter 20: Tidal wave**

“Morning,” Rachel’s thin voice rose above the decreasing motorbike’s engine, as a lazy hand mussed with Joe’s hair as the bike stopped moving, before he nodded out of that touch that was way too early and/or late to feel comfortable with. “Sorry I’m late, I’m just not used to take an eight hour nap while sober.”

“Idem,” Brian agreed after taking the last sips of coffee from the plastic mug that was afterwards thrown out into the grass, “There’s someone else missing? We should get going, it’s almost midnight.”

Jeff shook his head, already lifting a leg to climb the bike. “Everyone’s here. Let’s get moving.”

It felt early, despite the moon above them was claiming it was not. But it was just that nobody had dared to contradict their unanimous agreement of having a good day of sleep before getting on their ride to New York that would last an entire night. They needed to get in time for Tyler Sagner’s class in the morning so they’d get his apartment lonely, and they needed to be open-eyed and focused. There wasn’t room for screwing up.

Darren handed Lauren a red helmet while a grin of defiance and anticipated satisfaction was sketched on his lips.

“Ready for the first nine hour long ride of your life?”

“Please, tell me we’re gonna do a stop to pee.” She asked nervously; just thinking about that amount of time moving to a speed that didn’t allow her to spot any point on the ground beneath her made her stomach tie up at the instant.

“We’re gonna make a stop at Delaware to get something to eat, but I wouldn’t get too distracted with the landscape because it’ll be short.” He explained, walking the steps between the lamp post he was leaning into and the bike, before climbing in.

Lauren had to raise her voice to be heard above the sounds of the gang around her starting their bikes. She got behind Darren and put on the helmet as he had done a second before.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll be too focused on trying not to throw up in the entire trip to delay you any further.”

She couldn’t hear him giggling slowly, but somehow she felt it happened either way.

“You’ll change your mind once we’re at it.” He simply said, and started the bike they were in as well. The sound became thundering for a moment while Darren was warming up the engine, joining the others.

Joe took the lead first moving abruptly quickly, Rachel swiftly following him so they were practically next to each other. Jim, Brian and Jeff got behind them, leaving Darren and Lauren at the end of the line. Darren didn’t drastically speed up at first, allowing her to get used to the sense of moving for a little while.

“It’s okay.” Lauren said after a moment. “I have no choice but to trust you, so you can go at that dangerous, adrenaline-inducing speed you love so much.”

“I appreciate the honesty.” He fairly answered, “Hold tight.”

She almost didn’t obey that smug advice but she was glad she did, because she’d have probably fallen out of the bike otherwise and she would’ve never allow herself to forget if that happened during the first five minutes of the ride. Her hands grasped sturdily the cloth under the leather jacket, feeling distantly Darren’s ribs under her fingertips. His upper body slanted nimbly towards the handle in order to fight the wind trying to slow them off, so Lauren did the same, her body relentlessly resting against his. Her heartbeat raced when the instinctive alarming sensation invaded her body, and she hoped Darren couldn’t tell.

So that was it. That’s what got Darren and a surprisingly high number of people driven in together to the point of forming a bond that implied risking their lives for each other. That was the feeling that got them together in the first place. It was something quite unique, clearly, but she couldn’t finish to understand it completely yet.

“So now that I’m allowed to ask. What’s so great about speed?”

Darren’s response wasn’t immediate.

“What’s so great about books?” He finally replied, his voice like the one that comes out of a person who’s talking to himself. “They make us forget.”

Lauren gulped, trying to find something to say but feeling that a reply would be like taking a pencil and writing a footnote on a finished printed book.

The sky was dyeing pink when the sensation of unsteadiness normalized enough to allow a few other talks, and hands slackening to the point of falling into laps and helmets eventually being hung into handles, _my head hurts to this point_ , she lied and rested her head on his back, closing her eyes and letting herself get carried away by the constant swaying of the vehicle.

They made a quick stop at three in the morning for physiological reasons, while Lauren struggled between _I need you to be at least thirteen steps away from me to do this_ and _I’m afraid to die if I walk into these woods._ Darren was sending a text when she came back, thankful for the lack of inconveniences, and they got on the road again.

“It’s different at night.” Darren said while they continued. “Not necessarily worse or better, but it’s different.”

“You mean particularly macabre? Because, if television has taught me well, I should’ve died when I walked into the woods to pee.” Lauren snapped and then wet her lips, feeling the dry cracks caused by the constant wind on her face.

“Besides that,” He cut, “I don’t know. The roads is mostly dead so you can travel faster, kinda the same thing that happens with the thoughts in your mind as well.”

“It gets congested by day, doesn’t it?” Lauren’s voice was soft.

Darren wasn’t sure what that question was referring to.

“You should know. You’re usually the one hampering the way.”

Lauren giggled, adding playfully, “Only by day? I guess I overestimated myself.”

“Okay, sometimes you camp there, I guess.” Darren admitted, not too pleased of having that conversation. “My point is, this would’ve been better if, you know, we weren’t hurrying to get to New York for illegal procedures.”

“Well, yeah. Mere details.” Lauren rolled her eyes.

Two hours and a half later Darren parked in a gas station, where they met with Jeff and Brian and shared cheap hot coffee and croissants for a few minutes. Brian informed the rest was a few miles ahead them, so they’d get to New York first to find a parking lot for their bikes and rent a car with tinted windows to watch over Tyler’s apartment safely. Darren was glad they took care of that part, because his mind barely had place for anything else besides making sure Lauren would get in and out of that apt in one piece. He was trying to pretend the matter didn’t worry him, but he knew that’d be impossible by the time they got there.

It felt only real when they crashed into a lonely alley, in a tense silence, and Darren dialed Joe’s number. They shared a quick talk; Brian and Jeff carefully observing Darren in a seriousness that made Lauren’s hands clutch tighter into the straps of her bag. It was early in the morning, the streets were getting crowded by people getting to work and the air was getting infested by horns outside and radios turning on inside of houses.

“It’s still too early, we’ll have to wait to get into the building.” Darren announced after he hung up. “I say we should get our bikes into the parking lot as well. Nobody should see them around here.”

“Sure. You’re in charge.” Brian said, shrugging.

They did as Darren said. Though the receptionist at the parking lot frowned when they leaved, he did not ask questions and they continued their waiting in another couple of minutes of tense silence, standing next to each other in an empty alley, occasionally gazing into the crowded streets with lost eyes and hands in pockets, until Darren’s phone rang again and the voice at the other side announced:

“His car just turned around at the corner of the block. He’s gone. See you at the entrance.”

“Great.” Darren replied, “See you there.”

The four of them walked the five blocks that separated them from Tyler’s apartment in a rushed walk, before falling into the count that they had the entire morning to do things carefully slow. Brian recognized the building and stopped Darren with a hand.

“This is the one.” He said, but there was no one they could recognize in the surroundings.

Darren spun on himself trying to find his friends while Brian was calling John, the guy that shared the floor with Tyler and was supposed to let them in. He walked a few steps after failing at it, when a voice finally felt familiar and it almost scared him to find out it came from right next to him.

“Hey, pretty boy.”

“Give me a reason on why that was necessary.” Darren said, half amused half upset, looking down at Joe’s grin of satisfaction looming in the car’s window, before shaking his hand in a friendly way.

“Couldn’t miss the chance.” He simply said. “Is everything all right?”

“Perfect. And you guys?”

Joe’s lips made a short wince before answering. “Rachel is being a crybaby, but we got it handled.”

“Except you don’t.” Rachel replied as she appeared behind the door of the backseat. “I wanna go inside too. I’m bored here.”

“We can’t be a bunch of people walking in, we’re supposed to be discreet.” Darren gave her a dead stare that left clear they didn’t have time to discuss anything like that.

“Fine, then one of you can stay in the car. Trust me, the more girls walk in with you, the less suspicious you’ll look.”

 There was a silence until Jeff rolled his eyes, “I’ll stay in the car.” He said, getting in, as Rachel tried to hide the grin on her lips.

Someone opened the door of the building in the other side of the street as the switching was being made, and a tall, brunette young man with fine features and green eyes greeted them with a hand from the distance. Brian waved back.

“We’ll call you when we’re up there.” Darren said before Joe’s face disappeared behind the window.

John was extremely nice and gentile, which was rare if you have in mind they were a group of mostly strangers that was going to use his apartment for illicit activities. _I’m having a few friends over_ , he informed to the housekeeper before they took the elevator to the fifth floor. Darren gave Brian a look when the host asked if they wanted tea or something to eat, and they had to remind him they weren’t actually there visiting an old friend. His insistence didn’t decay and they finally asked some water to keep him satisfied.

Rachel took a seat at one of the table’s chairs, while Brian dragged one from next to her to the convenient spot to take off the grille of the ventilation conduit. Lauren left her bag on the floor and sat down on the couch, her eyes diverting to the glass of water on the table wishing it was closer, because her throat had gotten unbearably dry all of sudden. The next feeling reaching her was Darren’s hand on her lap as he sat down beside her.

“Hey.” He called softly. “Are you okay?”

Lauren nodded, grinning as she looked at him, hoping this would work. She didn’t want him to think she was scared and that she was thinking of quitting now, even though the feeling was creeping out in the corner of her brain.

“You don’t have to do this.” Darren added quietly, knowing Brian would kill him with his own hands if he heard him saying that phrase.

“I already said to you I want to.”

Darren’s lips bent, like if that response sort of disappointed him a bit. Brian hopped off the chair and leaved the grille on the table. Then he took a paper out of his bag and called Lauren’s name. She seized this to drink the glass of water as Brian showed her a blank and white printed map of the ventilation system that seemed to have more than just a few years of existence.

“You should make only one turn, at the right, in the third intersection you find, and you should get right there in his bedroom with no problem.” Brian said, pointing at a sketch and Lauren came to the conclusion that whether the scale or the real life version were too thin for anyone to transport themselves in.

Rachel’s hand placed on her shoulder and she almost jumped. “Ready?”

“I guess so.” Lauren glanced at Darren, but he was momentarily busy on his phone to hear them, so she added lowly, “What if I get claustrophobic or something?”

“You won’t.” Rachel firmly replied. “In the course of the last four months I’ve seen you handling so much worse than this.”

Lauren frowned for a moment, and Rachel cut whatever words almost came out of her mouth; and the sincerity in her tone convinced Lauren even more than herself.

“Trust me, I recognize nerve when I see it. You got this.”

“We’ll we on the phone for you all the time whatsoever, so you can ask us anything and we’ll know what’s going on the entire time. Tyler won’t come back for at least two hours. There’s nothing to be scared of.” Brian assured. Lauren grabbed her phone from her pocket and he connected a pair of small earphones. “I’m calling you right now.”

Lauren put the phone in silence mode and back in her back pocket, the wire of the headphones secured under her shirt and finally in her ears. Then Darren handed her a blue pen drive that was the size of a rubber. She kept it in the depth of another pocket to make sure it wouldn’t fall.

Darren placed his phone on the table.

“I got Joe and the guys in loudspeakers, just in case.” He informed. Brian nodded.

Lauren walked to the chair Brian had used a moment before.

“See you in a moment, I guess.” She said as one foot was placed in the seat.

Darren looked at her and grinned mildly, which she knew she should interpret as a sign of trust, but everything was surreal. Rachel walked next to her and offered her hand to balance her weight as she stood up. Lauren put her arms in the ventilation conduit and stared from nigh, and she realized it was so high to climb, and ridiculously small, and fragile, and dark for anyone to decide this was a reasonable idea. It just felt impossible and she didn’t know what she was doing there with those people she barely knew, risking her future for the justice of a boy that had practically never spoken a word to her.

Impossible.

Until she gave a jump, tightening her arms onto the metallic surface, and she was in. She didn’t think it through. And once her torso had gotten inside, it was a non-issue to fit her legs in. The first inconvenient was the air. It was hot and rare, and she knew it’d get worse as time passed since she was blocking the movement of it. The almost complete darkness she descried ahead wasn’t inspiring, but there’d be grilles every now and then that’d prevent her to get lost as she moved forward. So when she decided to get moving was when the most relevant issue came to light: she fit in, yes, but she couldn’t find a comfortable position to crawl while being ground chest.

“You okay?” Darren’s voice was the one that sounded through the phone, not Brian’s. “We’re here.”

“Yeah, it’s all right.” Lauren answered lowly, her voice echoing louder than intended in that small space.

“Have you found the first intersection?” Brian sounded a bit more distant.

“Not yet, but I haven’t moved much. It’s pretty difficult, but give me more time.”

A while later, she discovered that she could slightly press her back against the upper surface and lean into her elbows to move a bit faster. On the bad side, it was more uncomfortable and her forearms would get a few bruises afterwards. A glimpse of light and wave of air hit her a moment later on.

“Brian, I found the first intersection.” Lauren called, excited, but she didn’t get an answer in the next seconds. “Brian?”

Seizing that tide of air, she rested her weight on one arm to get her phone out and see if the call was still on. It was so obvious that she hated herself and the whole group for not realizing before. There was no signal up there. She rolled her eyes, and with a tap of her hand she took the headphones out of her ears, so the wires hung from the neck of her shirt. She changed the silence mode to vibrator in her phone just in case the signal was available again. Then she continued the way ahead. After the second intersection, her arms started to get notoriously sore so she did her best to rush the whole thing and finally get there.

She turned to the right in the third intersection, as Brian had told her, but she just wasn’t sure which one of the grilles she was supposed to look for now. The first two outlets exuded way too much noise and light to be the ones, and the third one hinted a quiet, dark room. Brian would’ve specified if she had to keep going for a long while, so the smartest thing was to think this was it.

Lauren took off the grille with a mildly hard pull, and confirmed it was a dark, empty bedroom. The conduit leaded exactly into the head of the bed. Next to it, a bedside table with papers and a dirty mug. A closet in front of them. Her heart was racing fast and she breathed deeply in an attempt to calm it down. If it wasn’t the right apartment she could get in more than just a severe trouble, but there wasn’t a way to figure it out from there. So she inhaled as she let herself practically fall to the bed, knowing there wasn’t much she could do to control it.

It wasn’t the most graceful landing of her life, but besides a few bumps nothing bad would come out of it. She stood up and took a look around the bedroom, but she couldn’t spot anything she hadn’t seen from the ventilation. She gave slow, careful steps to the kitchen/living room but everything pointed that the department was lonely and that she was in the right place: lights were off but there were cues that someone had been there not long ago –dirty dishes in the sink, a pile of books on the table and the lavatory in the bathroom still wet.

She walked to the table and tried to check the class notes without messing anything around, when her fingertips accidentally tripped into the harder surface she was searching for. She bit her lip in excitement as she grabbed the laptop, then placed it on the table and raised the screen, placing the phone and pen drive on its side.

Luckily Tyler was stupid enough to not put a password for logging into his user’s session, so she had no problems while turning the computer on. She recognized more than one face in the background’s picture, in what it seemed a casual, friendly photograph taken in one of NYU’s yards. There were a few icons that hinted nothing special: videogames, online chats, internet browsers; the usual. So she connected the pen drive in the USB entry, and a green light turned on in the device. There were a few seconds of expectance until the computer read it, and then two or three clicks to run the program.

An overwhelming amount of text showed in the screen during the beginning of the procedure, but she had practiced with Joey and she was prepared for it, so her eyes landed quickly on the bolded question: _Do you wish to copy the online history, passwords, caches and files from the current user of last 30 days?_

_> Yes._

_Include disguised browsing. >Yes._

_Copy into. >Device._

_Delete procedures of the current session from the operative system once the action is completed. >Yes._

There was a tiny clock loading for a few eternal seconds, until the WordPad was opened and a text started scrolling down very quickly, just as it was expected; and an announcement of ten minutes remaining of task calmed her down. Ten minutes and she would’ve succeeded.

Well, almost, but the way back would imply nothing now that she knew how to get through.

She let out a breath, looking around the apartment for no other reason than curiosity now. It was more than just a nice apartment, similar to John’s but you only had to glance at the television or another household appliance’s brand to notice that you’d never find someone from Michigan living in a place like that. Not even her.

The books at the table hinted that Tyler studied something like business management, agronomy or economic sciences. She didn’t care about that enough to dig deeper, and instead she took a look at the collection of wine and whisky showing off at a pantry next to the fridge. Trapiche, Cristal, Ballantine’s; recognized brands printed in shiny eclectic letters over the crystal of the bottles. No wonder why the gang had ever become too involved with people like these.

A low buzzing caught her attention again, and a sudden worrying of something going wrong with the program hit her badly. But she sat on the chair in front of the laptop and the process was three minutes away from finishing. Everything was correct, the buzzing wasn’t coming from the computer. She glanced down.

Brian.

She grabbed the phone from the table as fast as she could and answered the call, ignoring a few missing ones on the waiting. She had completely forgotten about them.

“I’m in, everything’s fine.” Lauren snapped quickly, hoping to hear congratulations instead of a rough interruption.

“He’s back, Lauren! Tyler’s back! He came back to the building. You need to get out of there.” Brian sounded shaky and worried enough to scare her to guts.

She was sure the floor beneath her moved for a second, in the edge of ripping into pieces.

“What?”

“That’s why I’ve been calling you. Something must’ve happened. Joe informed us he came back twenty minutes after he was gone, so you need to come back. _Right now_.”

“I’m two minutes away from finishing this. I’ll be right there in a moment.” Her heart was about to come out through her throat to the only thought of Tyler coming exactly where she was in that moment, but she ignored it.

“Lauren, forget about it. Just get here now. It’s not safe anymore.” It was Darren this time, and he sounded deadly serious. “ _Lauren._ ”

It got worse after she didn’t answer.

“Where must he be right now?”

“In the elevator, I suppose.” Brian said, sounding more hopeless with every minute that passed. “He’ll be there at any minute. Just come back! We’ll try it again later.”

The disappointment in Brian’s tone as he let out that lame, false statement made nothing but convincing her more. She hadn’t gone this far for nothing.

“Lauren?” Brian asked again, after that moment of silence, fearing they’d lose the connection once more.

“Don’t worry.” She replied, her leg shaking uncontrollably in anxiety but without moving from the chair; there was still one minute left.

That door two feet away from her could open at any second and she had absolutely no idea of what she could do next.

“I’ll see you guys in a moment.” Their voices continued to argue at the same time, but something inside her shut them off.

She placed her fingers on the edges of the pen drive, disposed to pull it off the second the task was over, so when it hit 0 seconds she was practically in the bedroom, climbing to the head of the bed.

Her hands were gripping the orifice in the wall when she realized she hadn’t closed the laptop screen. He would notice at the instant that someone had been there. He would not be stupid enough to dismiss that.

“Shit.” She whispered.

“Lauren, are you all right?”

“Yeah,” She breathed.

_I’m just incredibly stupid_ , she wanted to add. She ran to the living room again, and closed the laptop with a slap of her hand, and then hid it again under the notes, the way it was before she got there. There, done, let’s go.

Except the door lock was spinning with a low bur, and she was five seconds away from the only thing she didn’t have to do during this trip: get caught.

She ignored Brian and Darren’s voices trying to find out what was going on in the other side of the line as she ran back to the bedroom. The door was opening when she stepped in, and there wasn’t a way of climbing the air duct without practically holding a sign with fluorescent letters indicating she was inside of the house. So within what were only two seconds but felt like two minutes, she slid quickly through the half opened closet door and closing it behind her, got in a corner and sat there, behind the expensive cashmere coats and trying to make herself as small as it was physically possible –as if this could get her out of it again, holding her legs, her eyes looming above her knees in the dark room.

If whatever Tyler forgot and came back for was in that closet, she was completely and inexorably screwed up.

There were steps and sound of things shifting in the kitchen. She stared into the bedroom through the grids of the closet door. She felt nauseous, an outspreaded version of the feeling you get when you know the teacher is going to ask you a question you can’t answer.

She hadn’t gone this far for nothing.

Right? She couldn’t talk with Brian and Darren for help. But she could text. So she took her phone out of her pocket and ended the call, then typed quickly _I’m in the closet. Help_ and put the phone back in its place in a second, before anyone could see anything, anywhere.

The phone didn’t vibrate right back, and she didn’t know if that was worse or better.

She couldn’t help but to gasp quietly when Tyler casually walked inside of his bedroom, apparently upset. He sat down on the bed, opened the drawer of his bedside table and grabbed a packet of what it seemed like cigarettes. Hopefully, this would be all his duty in there and he’d leave in a moment.

Lauren’s phone vibrated. She didn’t check it for obvious reasons. So it couldn’t be real when Tyler’s eyebrows made a frown and he turned his head to the closet where she was hiding at. It just couldn’t be.

But there he was, that guy they had been talking about for the past week, that caused Brian and Darren to stay awake for forty hours trying to find the possible way to irrupt into his house and leave without getting caught. There he was, walking slowly to the door of the closet, that way people walk when they’re half suspicious, half afraid and a tad trying to convince themselves it’s all in their head.

Tyler started sliding the door to open it, the light of the room breaking in and making the darkness in front of her clearer and clearer. Lauren closed her eyes, as if this would lessen what came next. And her mind was just repeating over and over in what it was almost a scream, _this is it, this is it, this is it_.

But it wasn’t it. It should’ve been, in a way. Maybe if she had done something differently. But exactly in that way, when Tyler’s knuckles were tightening around the wood of the door and he was going to check if his instinct had failed him, a loud, desperate, frightening knock hit the door.

Tyler sighed, annoyed. The knock didn’t stop until he trotted to the living room and announced _“Coming!”_

Lauren didn’t need an invitation to find her way out. She practically followed Tyler’s run behind him. She quickly climbed the wood at the head of the bed and pulled off the grille, hearing distantly a voice asking _“what the hell is wrong with you?”_ and John’s usual friendly tone rambling something about electricity issues, _have you had them?_ And she couldn’t hear the rest as she got inside of the duct, but she was pretty sure that John hadn’t gotten very well out of the whole thing, and made a mental note to thank him later.

She breathed deeply once she was up there again, and felt ridiculously safe despite being in a place that would cause panic attacks in most people.

~

Ten minutes later, Rachel’s voice almost yelling as she stood up from the chair in a jump.

“She’s here! She’s here!”

Lauren’s arms were extremely sore when she got to John’s, so she kind of let her weight fall on Darren as he helped her land back in the floor.

“She’s here, guys.” Rachel said near Darren’s phone at the table, probably to Joe in the line. “Call us when Tyler’s out again and we’ll meet downstairs.”

“Do you have any idea of what you put us through?” Brian spat, upset, and his face was red like if he had ran his hand against it a thousand times.

“You’re officially mental.” Darren sentenced, shaking his head, as she took the device out of her pocket and handed it to him with an utterly satisfied smile that wasn’t affected by her tiredness. His lips opened a moment before the question came out, “You did it?”

“It’s why we’re here after all, isn’t it?” She simply said, shrugging.

“I can’t believe you did it.” Brian sounded suddenly relieved and surprised, but mostly happy.

“What? Did you guys doubt that I could do this?” Lauren challenged, though their shocks only made her victory sweeter.

“Not for a second.” Rachel said with a smile, and then an arm wrapped her as she kissed her firmly on the cheek, “Well done.”

Then the girl walked to Brian and checked the pen drive in his hands, as if its exterior had somewhat changed because of what it now carried inside.

“So, can we check out what’s in there now or…?”

Brian shook his head, “We need Joey for that. It’s not… that simple. But he said he’s sure he can do it. So it’ll be the first thing to do once we’re in Michigan again.” He looked at Darren, like if he had forgotten who was the one in charge of the plans, “Right?”

Darren shrugged. “Sure, but… after we get some sleep. Because if I remember correctly, The Hamptons is our stop for the night, isn’t it?” Darren grinned subtly, his hands falling on Lauren’s waist. “To celebrate, obviously.”

“ _Please.”_ Rachel cried. “I could really use a celebration right now.”

“You gotta invite John, guys.” Lauren added, looking at the man that had remained observing the situation in a gentle silence, “God knows where I’d be right now without him.”

John simply gave them a timid smile in response, before Brian decided that it was actually a great idea and he could take him on his bike.

“Where to, exactly?” Lauren asked. “I know that place is filled with private beaches, but if we want to find a place we should’ve made a reservation before.”

Brian held a laugh that confused her.

“Don’t worry about it,” Darren simply said, “I know a place.”

 ~

It was almost the evening when they got there. They were exhausted, dizzy and hungry. Brian went to get burgers for everyone, while they got themselves settled in. It was pretty obvious when Jim forced a gate with a sign that read _Private beach: Property of The Mansons._ She felt stupid to be surprised about it. How else would they get a place? She would never conclude to understand all of this.

“So this is someone else’s property?” Lauren asked, following Darren as he got his bike inside. It just sounded less relevant every time the question was expressed out loud. Maybe this is how groups start to normalize screwed up things, ending up on thinking about murdering an innocent one out of a strategic play.

“Too late to pretend you care about those things now.” Rachel barged in from behind them, “You’re one of us.”

She proceeded to start a _she’s one of our own_ chant that spread way louder and longer than what Lauren would’ve ever wanted  it to, but she couldn’t avoid the laugh shaking her stomach.

“Does that answer your question?” Darren asked with a grin. Lauren rolled her eyes.

Despite she’d never admit it out loud, the view was worth anything. The beach was utterly gorgeous, wide enough to have a stone hill at one side, which summit coincided right up with a deep water zone. The rest was just dreamy bright sand and transparent water, all for themselves. There was a fancy barbecue area, and everyone soon gathered their bikes under the roof to protect them. There was also a mansion five hundred feet away, but Darren said it’d probably have a security alarm, so they couldn’t even think of putting a feet inside there.

Not that they were unprepared for spending a night at the wild. They had brought four tents to spend the night and protect themselves from wind and rain, if necessary. They were assembling them when Brian came back with the food and started to work in the barbecue. Jim was having a heated up argument with Jeff about how that tent was supposed to stand, meanwhile Joe was getting the beers Brian brought inside of the icebox container.

“They better hurry, I wanna get changed.” Lauren complained. The sun was too perfect for her to be in leggings and a black shirt.

“Then give us a show.” Rachel said playfully with a smirk, looking at her as she sat down on her jacket, next to Darren, over the grass in that place it met the sand. She crossed her feet above the sand, showing off her dark brown mountain boots.

“Yeah, right away.” She replied sarcastically.

“You’ll be disappointed to know that ours is a beach tent, therefore can’t lock in, and that I’m not even planning to put it up.” Darren informed with an expression that didn’t look like much of an apologize neither.

Lauren snorted. “And do you have an explanation for that?”

Darren stood up and just shrugged, like he always did whenever he took one of those senseless decisions.

“Look at this place, do you seriously want to spend the night inside?”

Lauren bit her lip because she knew she couldn’t fight against that argument, so she just gave him a killer glance before walking to Joe and ask him if she could use his tent. She got into a pair of short jeans and a white tank top, going out to the sight of Brian’s burgers emitting a light smoke and nice smell, and Jim and Jeff running to the hill, dragging John with them, taking their shirts off and saying something like seizing before the sun got down.

She sat down beside Darren and Rachel, taking off her shoes to feel the sand beneath her feet.

“So,” Joe approached them, opening a bottle of now cold beer. “What is it like? Sagner’s apartment.”

Lauren pressed her lips together before answering.

“It’s really nice. The place is huge, and he’s got an enormous library and liquor collection.”

“Basically, a fucking palace.” Joe concluded with obvious resentment, then handed the bottle to Rachel.

Lauren felt she should say something to agree or contradict with that statement, but she wasn’t sure what.

“Plasma TV?” Brian asked from the grill.

Lauren nodded.

Brian snorted. “We should’ve at least stolen something else from that place. I’m sure if you searched for five minutes more you could find a jewelry box that would pay our entire tuition and our kids’.”

“She’d have also gotten caught, and we wouldn’t be here.” Darren snapped.

“I’m with Brian on this.” Joe continued as if Darren had said nothing. “It was the least we could’ve done, don’t tell me you would feel guilty about it. They’re the worst, and they deserve the worst. And now that we know that this works, we can come back some other time. He probably wouldn’t even be able to tell if there’s something missing.”

Lauren wasn’t sure the whole come-back-other-time and plans that involved getting into the air conduct again without consulting her were okay with her. So she distracted herself with the distant sight of Jim and Jeff jumping from the hill into the water, screaming in excitement and fear and waving their arms while doing so.

“Of course he’d be able to tell.” Rachel said. “Rich people are like that, the more they have, the more they want, and they don’t care about anyone that gets in the way of that, or their excuses or justifications. That is why we’re here, after all.”

Something got inside Lauren’s throat. She felt that conversation suddenly distant, like if she was observing it through a screen or reading it in a book.

“I’m going for a walk by the water.” She announced, standing up.

“I’ll catch you in a while.” Darren replied, and she just nodded in response before walking away.

None of them have ever been in her house. In her apartment, yes, the place she was trying to sustain with the least help possible, but what when Darren decided to come to her actual house and then got greeted by a housekeeper at the front door? Wouldn’t he think the same things his friends did? They all thought alike. They all shared, more or less, the same ideologies.

Worse: she had fragile discourses to stand against _any_ accusation.

She was an intruder in there. She didn’t belong.

Once she was away from the sound of Joe’s bike’s radio, she dipped her feet in the water, walking slowly until it got to the height above her knees. It was quite cold for a day like that, but nothing unbearable. The peace from the nature was so consuming that the last concerns vanished within the blink of an eye, the calmness practically forcing her to claim it as the only escape. When she breathed, she felt her lungs became clear, the air purging the bad thoughts out.

At a certain distance, another scream as Rachel fell to the water from the hill.

At the other side, nothing but the comfort of an immensity of water that made her sway slightly when it hit her legs, and the fresh wind in a gentle invitation to let her hair down she just could not turn down.

“You smell like mint.” Darren’s voice reached her from behind.

“I put on some perfume, since a shower’s not a possibility today.” She explained without turning around, her gaze still lost in the constant movement of the sea.

She sensed his proximity more due to the sound and feeling of the water stirring than anything else.

“I didn’t tell you this earlier, but…” He continued, talking slowly, “I’m proud of you.”

Lauren finally looked at him as she dryly let out, “I almost screwed everything up.”

“Almost is a definite word in that statement, you know?”

She grinned, but her pupils were dropping down. Darren’s jeans had been rolled up to avoid getting his only pair of pants wet while walking in the sea; and then his warm fingers held a mole in her neck in a gentle caress.

“What’s going on?”

As if he wouldn’t be able to tell.

“Nothing,” She said quietly, shortly shaking her head.

Darren’s lips opened to say something, but a loud shout from the shore interrupted him.

“Dinner’s ready!” Brian announced proudly.

“Coming, daddy!” Rachel yelled back in a sassy comeback, her hair and clothes completely wet as she walked out of the water.

Darren shook his head, amused. Lauren barely even listened what just went down. Instead, she breathed in and placed a hand on his arm to get his attention.

“There’s actually something I want to tell you.” Darren’s eyes gave away more than just curiosity. “Don’t laugh, because I’m serious, okay? When we come back to Michigan, I want to do it with you.”

Darren let the few next seconds pass with only a frown, before he asked, “By _it_ , you mean…?”

“I mean sex, yes.” Lauren cleared firmly.

“Are you sure?” As much as everything inside of him wanted to celebrate that announcement immediately, he couldn’t deny that he wasn’t expecting it.

“I’ve known for a while now, but with everything that’s been going on lately…” She hoped that look would tell the words she couldn’t get out of her throat. Rick still didn’t feel like enough of a memory to slip out of her mouth so casually. “I think we’re ready.”

Darren first gulped, like if he was digesting the entire conversation along with his spit. Then, he smiled pleasantly, leaning to her cheek to place a gentle kiss.

“Don’t make fun of me for this, but I have to confess something.” He said quietly. “It’s actually my first time, too.”

Lauren pushed him with a hand, claiming offended, “Shut up! You’re ruining everything.”

“I swear it’s true!” Darren attempted to continue with the joke, but Lauren started splashing him with water until he had no choice but to retire his word.

 ~

It was getting dark when they went back with the rest. The hamburgers were either delicious or they were starving enough to find them that way, but the point was that Brian almost got a standing ovation from being the chef that night. Once they finished eating and the chat was becoming vague for everyone to follow, John convinced them to play a round of the drinking version of _Who am I?_ so after he found the marker he was sure he put in his bag, and they found an old diary under the barbecue, they headed to the hill and sat near the edges to enjoy the priceless view of the night by the sea.

“The best thing about all of this, is that Darren doesn’t have his guitar to bother us for the entire night.” Joe planked his hands together in a sign that thank any deity responsible of that.

“Stop hiding the fact that you love it.” Darren’s hand pushed his head in revenge.

The round didn’t finish that quickly though. By the end, a completely offended (and drunk) Brian gave up his turn because it was just _impossible_ to guess and they _had_ to be messing with him when _–ugh, Clark Kent –but I said Superman! They’re the same person! They’re the fucking same!_ , and Jim and Jeff went to put him to sleep against his will. John announced he was going for a walk and/or see if there were any leftovers he could steal.

Darren grabbed the paper on his forehead and read with a mix of confusion and surprise:

“Beyoncé.” He sighed and rolled his eyes, “I’d have never figured that out whatsoever.”

Lauren giggled. Fortunately, she guessed she was Charles Chaplin almost right away and ended the round with decency.

Since Joe discovered skillfully that he was Alex DeLarge, he had spent the last minutes alone by the very edge of the hill, staring into the peaceful darkness in what Lauren thought it was a worrying isolation, but she didn’t confirm it until Rachel came back after sharing a short, private conversation with him, and said to Darren in a bitter voice, taking a seat on the ground:

“It’s about Rick.”

That was a short message Darren decoded very quickly. He looked at Lauren for a moment, pressing his lips together.

“I’ll go talk to him.”

“Okay.”

She looked at Lauren for a moment, too. Rachel’s eyes had the same effect on people than Darren’s, while they were deep and beautiful, they felt too powerful to stare back, like if they could peer inside you if you accidentally let them in. Deep down she knew this was a completely psychological trick the two had managed to achieve, but that didn’t weaken the result.

“Thank you.” Her voice almost made her jump, because she was a) not expecting her to say something until Darren came back and b) she was keeping another conversation with herself in her head. She continued, as Lauren’s face let clear she wasn’t getting it, “For what you’re doing for us. You know, you could’ve turned all of this down, since you had no personal motives to do it. But you did it.”

Lauren felt out of words.

“It’s nothing.” She simply let out, although everyone knew it wasn’t nothing, and it could not be.

“Also… thank you for taking care of Darren, too.” She continued, like if she hadn’t said a thing. “If it’s been as bad for him as it’s been for me, which I think it has, then it must’ve been hard for you to stay by his side.”

“It’s been nothing out of the expected for someone in his situation.” Lauren merely said, doubting if the things she saw and heard could be shared with Rachel, or anyone. “What about you? Do you have someone to talk to?”

Rachel grinned mildly, which was something strange for that kind of question, and especially with the answer that came along.

“I’ve got my boys. We all got each other’s backs, you know? I would’ve lost my mind otherwise, but thank God I have them around.”

“I can imagine.” She replied, although she wasn’t sure she could. She have had friends, of course, but not someone she could rely on to the point of not feeling she was entirely alone whenever someone left. “I’ve lost people that were close to me, too, but never like this. I mean, in any other situation, you’ve got time to process what’s going to happen.”

Rachel’s voice came out extremely miserable, though steady, “It just feels like if he abandoned me, you know? I know it’s selfish and stupid to think so, but that’s how I feel.”

There was a long pause before Lauren said gently, not knowing nothing else that could fit:

“I am very sorry.”

Another long pause, but this time with no reply to interrupt it.

A few feet away, another silence coming to an end.

“I just miss him.” Joe’s voice sounded like the aftereffect of alcohol, midnight and a long tiring trip.

“I know.” Darren let out a breath, the wind hitting him harder there right on the edge. “Me too.”

“What upsets me the most is that he was chosen almost out of a lottery, just because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he decided to punch that guy when it’s just –he never did those kind of things. And they picked _him_ when it should’ve been absolutely anyone else but him. They should’ve gotten even with someone like you and me, who’ve done fucked up shit in the past and know what they got themselves into. Not someone like Rick, who was only in there because _I_ happened to like him and decided to drag him with us. He had no idea he could end up like this, but _we_ did.”

The verbiage came out like vomit, in a spasm that had been sickening his guts. Any other person would’ve been astonished or even frightened of hearing him talking like that, but Darren had seen that and worse.

“See it like this: sometime, we will look back and know that we didn’t just do anything. We didn’t stay in our beds crying, letting the responsible people get on with their lives like if they hadn’t done something condemnable. At least we’ll make sure that there won’t be other deaths like Rick’s in the future. Not by them.”

“That’s the only comforting thought getting me through, actually.” Joe said, and then rested his back on the ground, lying back, like if he just decided it was a good time to see the stars in the night sky.

Darren didn’t say anything else, because he knew that what he wanted out was out now, and that Joe just wished for silence and rest afterwards.

He turned around to find Rachel and Lauren in another depressing silence, and he and Rachel a look that said it all before the night had gone to shit.

“Jo, we should go for a walk, too.” Rachel suggested, gazing at Darren and Lauren, then patting Joe’s shoulder. “Let’s get going.”

Joe didn’t leave without grabbing the bottle of beer with a slap of his hand.  

Lauren looked at him in a tacit interrogatory.

“At least we can talk about it now.” He just said. “It’s healthier than silence.”

Lauren sighed. “It’s ironic to hear the word healthy involved in all of this, but I’m glad.”

Darren grinned. “Come here.” He called.

He could barely see Lauren’s figure when she sat by his side, there, in what it looked like the end of the world. His legs were hanging into what felt like endless space, until his head slanted a bit forwards and he could confirm that the sea was right there underneath them, waves crashing stridently against the bottom of the hill. Lauren felt a little overwhelmed at first by the terrifying and strong sensation of the wind against her face and body to the point of pushing her, like if it was trying to warn her that it was a dangerous place to choose to sit down and rest, but following the instinct of all human condition, she faced the terror and decided that the feeling of fronting it with someone else was worth it.

Darren let the silence sink in a bit before interrupting it.

“Do you still think that road trips are lame?”

“I might be reconsidering it.” Lauren answered with a smile. “But seriously, this place is amazing. I actually barely feel sorry for the owners that we leave a mess in here once we’re gone.”

Darren nodded and patted her on the lap. “Look at yourself, prioritizing your happiness over strange people’s for once. What have I done to you?”

Lauren squeezed her eyes, “Shut up. I’ve never needed it to be a priority.”

Her leg crept until it hung next to Darren’s, inevitably moving in a constant, calm swing. She looked down to the waves furiously crashing beneath, until the sensation of vertigo vanished and it was nothing more than water trying to climb up, unable to catch her. And she knew already that when she looked up at Darren’s eyes, everything would just come out as violent as those waves, without a chance to avoid it, because it was late, and they had spent way too much time together, away from home, to hold onto any barrier that had been destroyed from the core, like fear or embarrassment or the sensation that the other would just never understand.

“Have you ever read Antony and Cleopatra? By Shakespeare?” She finally asked, softly, and he tilted his head at first.

Then he hissed quietly in a moment of hesitation before answering, “I think I did, a long while ago. Why?”

He’d never expect the answer she gave. Then again, he never expected any of the things she offered him, and they just fell onto him like mail packages without directions.

“I’m Antony, you know?”

“What?” Darren even thought it’d be a joke before she explained it, but her explanation hit him violently.

“Antony couldn’t be a king in Rome, so he became one in Egypt. He abandoned all of his ideals and his people hated him forever for becoming a traitor. I’m like Antony. I don’t think I could ever completely fit in in those upper side parties. Talking to those people overwhelms me, and sometimes I think I’ll throw up if I drink wine again. And then I entered into your world, changing everything I thought I was and becoming a traitor for both sides. I think about it all the time. My mistakes, what’s right or wrong, trying to determine who I am, but I end up so lost I don’t think I know anything about myself anymore. I’m so heavy, if I jumped I’d drown.”

Her tone was bitter, and he knew since the start that those weren’t mere late-night thoughts, those were the fears and daemons that had been growing deep inside of her since she was little, and that it wasn’t casual that she chose him to let them out.

Lauren waited for anything to come out after that long pause, except the words that actually were emitted out of Darren’s mouth.

“Take off your shoe.”

An eyebrow raised in apathy said enough, but even then she felt the need to add, “ _What?_ ”

Seeing that she wasn’t taking his orders, he proceeded to untie the shoe at his reach, and then threw it to aside.

“What the hell are you doing?” Lauren could only ask by the time he was grabbing the marker they had brought there for the game, and then sat down in front of her, legs crossed, and started to write something in her now bare feet. The apparent logic in this action didn’t hit her, not even when she could read that he was writing his full name, then his address and it started to seem he wouldn’t stop when he added his phone number.

She looked at him with an expression that didn’t need words to leave clear an explanation was necessary.

“Do you know how people how people return wandering dogs?” He finally said, sort of disappointed that it wasn’t obvious.

“So you’re comparing me to a dog, that’s uplifting.”

He giggled shortly, “No.” He said, and his voice sounded incredibly gentle when he added, “If you’re lost, I’ll accept you. Always.”

She closed her eyes when she sensed Darren’s hand on her neck. And the kiss following ahead felt almost like a hug, his lips embracing her and everything she carried inside. And she almost didn’t feel heavy, she didn’t feel like world crushing Atlas’ back, but instead like if for a moment she was light as a feather and someone could hold her in the tip of a finger, and she balanced there in a graceful trick.

She didn’t stop kissing him when she went out of breath, her hands still pulling him closer, fearing he’d disappear the moment their lips split. She wanted to say _thank you_ , for listening and understanding, for trying to understand when she knew he could not, and mostly, for staying.

Lauren was almost surprised to find him there when she opened her eyes, breathing heavily and gulping slowly.

“There is not a way we can get an actual tent tonight?”

“What for?” Darren frowned at the question, and his eyes widened as he added, “Are you suggesting…?” Lauren’s silence was enough of an answer. “With everyone here?”

It surely wasn’t an issue for him, but he couldn’t just buy it that the idea was actually coming from her lips.

Lauren looked around, “Don’t you think it’d be perfect?”

She had never felt so close to anybody, and she feared this wouldn’t last and that the most flawless opportunity had passed right next to them.

Darren’s heart was pounding so loud he almost had to raise his voice to say, “If I can put the beach tent away from everyone else’s, I’m sure they wouldn’t notice anything. Besides, I think they’re all asleep.”

Lauren smiled and he would just not believe it yet, “Sounds perfect.”

It didn’t take long after Darren came back from the barbecue place until Lauren decided to help him with the tent. It seemed like an impossible task, when -without recalling how- they assembled the whole thing.

“Can you tell our parents didn’t camp with us?” Darren rolled his eyes, getting the thin foam mattress, blanket and pillow he was able to steal inside of the tent, throwing it in a mess Lauren stared at before fixing.

Once the work was done, they sat at the edge of the mattress to catch a breath. The tent’s door was facing the sea, that way the wind would reach them even if they were inside. Like it was doing right then, whizzing lowly over the sound of the water crashing down.

The anxiety and awkwardness was starting to reach them once they finished resting and they started to think about what was supposed to go next.

“Are you sure about this?”

Darren was one hundred percent sure it was all a cruel dream, and he was about to wake up at any minute.

“I’ve already said to you that I am. I’ve known for a long while that I want to do this with you.” She looked at him firmly. The implications of that conversation for a good part did nothing but increase the anxiety that was stressing the air between them, but for another great part they were just pushing her forward and forward, the excitement hiding under her tongue. “I want _you_.”

Darren was sure something inside him, among his stomach and his throat, melt when he heard that; not deciding to kiss her but doing it out of desperation, because he had been wishing to hear that, to _know_ that, for so fucking long that he couldn’t recall in his memory the first time. And this time he didn’t try to control his yearning, he let it out against her lips the way one throw themselves to the bed after a long day of work.

Lauren’s hands slipped from his belly to the sides of his back, grasping strong enough to allow herself a peaceful landing as Darren leaned against her until she ended up lying on the mattress. He didn’t stop kissing her, not only for a second, until their mouths went dry and desperate for air. He settled himself on top of her, his legs around her hips, and she felt him strangely tall once he straightened his back and looked at her from a higher distance.

His arms flexed when his hands looked for the neck on the back of his shirt, and he took it off with a quick movement. He wasn’t extremely fit, not really. But he was plenty enough to the point of looking better without a shirt than with it, muscles hardening under her fingers as he bent down and his lips closed on the prominent bone of her cheek. Another kiss followed under the line of her jaw, then to her neck, and collarbone. A hand she didn’t stop slowly reached her waist, up to her ribs, lifting her shirt, and the warm feeling of skin-to-skin finally finding a place inside her to grow until exhaustion.

To Darren’s surprise, she grabbed the tank top at the other side and pulled from it to get it off. She wanted to feel it completely, the sensation of being naked in front of someone, to know that vulnerability wasn’t an issue anymore. Once the shirt wasn’t an annoyance, a hand held the curve of her neck as those open-mouthed, wet kisses resumed in the exact center of her collarbone, slowly sneaking downer to her chest, between her breasts. Air came out of her mouth very loudly, realizing this was a sensitive spot. Darren realized too, and he delayed his time in there for a while, sucking her skin like if this was made of sugar that melted against his tongue. Her torso shifted a little bit, only a little bit, not enough to be visible, but he noticed and everything inside him was shaking because this wasn’t a figment of his imagination, it was real and she had said she wanted him and this was happening.

His mouth leaved a path through her belly, right until the lowest part, above the buttons of her shorts. His hands held the sides of her completely flat belly, enjoying the feeling caused by the way it moved up and down along her breath, and how deep it was while she tried to control herself from his touch. He just did that for a while, his face resting on the upper part of her pelvis and sensing the steady movement up and down. It wasn’t an erotic touch, not that one, but it was close and she was too anxious to stand it any longer, she wanted to press herself against him and she wasn’t sure if even that’d be enough.

When he finally looked up, there was a mark of her jeans’ button on his cheek that she had to ignore to avoid laughing. Two fingers circled around that button when he asked quietly:

“Can I?”

“Let me,” She replied, sitting up. She wasn’t sure she could handle the amount of teasing she was sure Darren would seize while taking off her short jeans, so she did it herself.

She breathed deeply once she was only in her underwear, and looking at him in such a way that yielded up a bit of fear, but mostly anxiety and desire. Darren held her jaw as he gave her a kiss and said softly against her lips:

“You know you can tell me to stop if you want, right?”

“I doubt that’ll happen.” Lauren said with a small grin. “At least, popular belief is on your side.”

Darren raised an eyebrow, “Popular belief?”

“I’m just kidding.” She cleared, and added playfully, “Besides, you’ve been keeping yourself for me for so long…”

She kissed him briefly before he cut it with a breath.

“Still worth it.” He gulped slowly, yet close to her face, like if saying the next was harder even for him, “I’m gonna… prepare you a bit, if that’s alright with you. Just lie down, and tell me if anything’s wrong.”

Lauren couldn’t tell if he was more nervous than her, or if that was just the attempt of self-control tautening his voice that much. So she only ran a hand through his hair in a soft caress, smiling mildly.

“Okay.”

The wind tossed her hair as she lied down again, suddenly remembering they were on the beach, and the sight of the water, always incessant and steadfast, calmed any possible concert almost instantly.

A gasp brought her attention back to the tent, when a kiss was placed on the top of her underwear, Darren’s hair giving her tickles on her belly as he continued to kiss her downer, but softly, over the thin cloth. His hands pushed gently her inner thighs to the sides, making her legs spread wider and he left them there, holding her legs on their place while he kept sucking, and even like that she could already feel something inside tightening. It was achingly not enough.

Her heart was racing when her back arched and she thrust against his mouth. She realized this was the moment when she started to lose control over herself, it was pure instincts and sensations talking through her and she had to let them guide her. That was the whole point, this was something she didn’t need to control and she didn’t need to think through.

Darren didn’t make her beg, he noticed in her entire body that she wanted more and he wasn’t going to deny it to her. His hands ran teasingly over her legs as the underwear got off the way, almost in a slow torture of anticipation.

The first unintelligible sound came out from her throat as Darren plunged his head between her legs and sucked her slowly and for a long time. It seemed like if he was testing her out, trying out a faster rhythm and then gradually decreasing again, finding out which spots relaxed her, which ones tightened her harder and made her breath go crazy. A hand clutched into his hair while she pressed her head into the pillow, her jaw had dropped to leave the exceeding amount of air in her mouth out, and she couldn’t find a way to close it, becoming louder instead.

“God,” She groaned, the words coming out forcibly through pressed teeth, “Darren, shit.”

Those curses seemed to be nothing more but music to his ears, so he continued sucking, like if he wanted to draw a doodle with his tongue over her. He dragged her right where he wanted her before slipping a finger inside that fit just readily, and kept going until the curses became moans and his name being abruptly hurled in almost a scream, sensations winning ahead of logic as control was nothing besides a rhetoric subject they studied in class; a hand over her ribcage, feeling the way it swell along her breath, every time faster and deeper like the waves crushing against the hills beside them, and when her voice broke completely in the middle of a warning that was everything except a warning, he knew _he_ was the one that fully lost it out of the two.

She burst out in a mild whimper that shook vocal chords, legs trembling slightly and fingers accidentally pulling from the tip of a curl. Another hand falling, exhausted, to a side, fingertips sensing the grains of sand underneath.

Darren sat up straight and looked at her, intensely and for a while, like if he wanted to engrave that moment as a memory inside of him and recall it every time he wished. There was not a part of him that didn’t want her to the point of absolute despair.

Lauren didn’t even finish catching her breath back before Darren had unbuttoned his jeans, pulled them down in an abrupt swipe and gotten on top of hers in a movement that gave away the longing he had been so careful to hide. He let his weight fall on her, pressing against her so all of sudden that her chest jumped at the unexpected contact. Her leg wrapped almost instantly around him to keep him like that, deeply intimate, his eyes staring at her so vividly that looking away would’ve been a sin.

He felt an instant, though momentary relief so intense that he just remained like that for a while. Feeling her still throbbing, even through his underwear, it a was delightfully tempting ease.

“I’ve wanted this since the moment I met you,” His voice was hoarse and low and she didn’t have to wonder why. “But, you know, we don’t have to do everything tonight.”

“Fucking hell,” Lauren snapped in exasperation, “Would you just get in, Darren? I think I’m going to pass out if you wait another minute.”

A few black curls grazed her forehead as his head fell a bit downer when he laughed.

He groped for his wallet in the pocket of his jeans, pulled out a condom, and Lauren almost tried not to stare when he said:

“If you’re thinking that this will make me nervous, I gotta warn you that I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.”

Lauren laughed briefly, glad to see more of the Darren she was used to. But she wasn’t laughing when his body was above her again, her grin fading into Darren’s lips as she kissed him back into a soft kiss that gradually slowed down until it became nothing more than a graze, eyes almost closed, breaths deep and controlled falling against one another until the silence was broken by a quiet question they were both waiting for:

“Ready?”

A short nod before the question was answered out of everything except fear, “Yes.”

An increasing weight fell on her belly. Darren was being careful and patient, but the sensation longed before it became pleasant, working it through a slight ache until it was gone, and then everything felt right in all the right places.

“You okay?”

She wanted to clear out the concern in his voice, to know reliably that she wasn’t the only one losing herself to senses.

She nodded, again, as a hand caressed his hair, resting there for a bit before it slid to the side of his face, “Go on.”

 Darren’s weight was leaning into nothing more but his forearms around Lauren’s body and the constant friction of his belly against hers. A quiet groan sneaked out of him as the sensation of her around him sink in and completely consumed him for an instant; Lauren thought this sound was the most erotic thing out of everything. He kissed her hand as she placed it on his cheek, then leaned over to kiss her lips, trying to distract himself with any other feeling that would stint the absolutely delicious thrill that she was causing on him. So when he started moving, he did it slowly, every one of his movements carefully thought out.

“Mmm,” Lauren hid her lips inside before a breath of longing was violently thrown out, breaking the calmness in the air, “Harder.”

He wanted to do as he asked her and so much more, and he didn’t want to get so carried away but the simple sound of that wish was much more than what he could handle. So he lunged within her, his lips crashing over and over against her jaw because her head was pressed so hardly against the pillow in a way that the curve of her neck looked like the perfect invitation. She moaned again when Darren’s hand sneaked under her neck and held it strongly, almost roughly, as he moved nonstop, his weight harder and harder on her; not only different than before, more stern, possessive and almost angry. In that moment it was more than clear for her how he had been holding himself, not only the entire night, but since months ago; and just right then she was finally taking it all in, with his callused fingertips clutching her skin, and the panting becoming loud and desperate in a sexual melody, those luscious onslaughts turning rough and hard until she became a piece of melting skin that couldn’t spell her own name even if she tried.

“Fuck. Lauren,” His rhythm had become a touch slower, but he didn’t stop. “I’m close to…” The words were cut off by a quiet moan, his eyes were barely opened

“Okay.” That was everything her mind or lungs allowed her to let out.

Darren frowned for a fraction of second before an unexpected laugh shook him, “Okay? That’s really what you say before someone…”

He couldn’t have finished the phrase even if he knew what to say, when the climax hit him and he poured inside with few last, lonely, hard thrusts, and a loud, breathy pant reaching her ear as his forehead fell next to her face, sinking in her hair. Lauren bit her lip, eyes closed, as a sudden feeling of relax invaded her so fast it was worrying.

They didn’t move for a while. Lauren opened her eyes only a bit to observe the sea next to them, like their quiet spectator. Darren was still catching a breath, his hand now loose under her neck, a thumb caressing it softly, when he said it and it almost didn’t feel real.

“I’ve actually fallen for you.” And he said it with a cruel certitude, like if the idea had been gravitating around him until it finally decided to settle down surefooted. “Like… I love you.” A pause before concluding a baffling, “I don’t know how that happened.”

It was kinda funny how much of a death warrant that sounded, like if there was nothing worse he could confess than the fact that he had developed actual feelings for her. So she just smiled and gave him a sweet peck on the lips, hoping this would tell more than what she was capable of in that state of physical and emotional exhaustion.

Lauren felt some perfect mix of happiness and sleepiness, when Darren fell next to her along with a breath that confirmed he was just as tired as her. Her eyes were almost closed when the comforting feeling of a blanket covering them practically made her purr. She couldn’t recall to have ever felt this peaceful in her entire life. She almost hated that Darren felt the need to ask:

“Are you okay?” She’d have hated it if his soft voice wasn’t escorted by a hand around her belly. “I didn’t hurt you, didn’t I?”

She made an effort to open her eyes again, quickly finding his staring back. She subtly shifted closer, which wasn’t a difficult move in that tent.

“I’m great, trust me.” Lauren’s voice was hoarse, too. “How was I? _Honestly_.”

Darren’s first reaction was an impressing, “Amazing.” Then he rolled his eyes “A bit bossy,” he admitted, only to add with a smirk, “but I like that.”

One last laugh mildly reached her before her eyes were closed again, falling asleep at the comforting feeling of Darren’s proximity. The approaching morning was bringing a colder wind, and the tidal wave was coming closer to them. The nature felt suddenly very alive, staring at them, peering sneakily through their door-less tent.

At some moment amongst that, Darren fell asleep, too. The tidal wave wouldn’t reach them, and there were still a few hours until the sun came up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you leaved reviews... I DEEPLY LOVE YOU and they helped me to keep going, thank you so much!  
> If you haven't, here's your chance to think it through because they're seriously a big support, especially when it comes to chapter like these that cost a BIG effort. I promise i will love you if you do.   
> I SUCK AT FLUFF SORRY, I tried to make that work.  
> Pls love me i'm a needy person


	21. Into the abyss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S GOING DOWN!!! I also need to sleep.

**Chapter 21: Into the abyss**

The first thing Darren felt on that day was a cold wind on his face, and an intense calmness brought by the waving of the sea that started being repeatedly broken by a distant voice, increasingly becoming louder and suddenly annoying.

“Morning, sunshine.”

Darren held back the urge to roll over the mattress, away from that upsetting voice and face, and continue sleeping.

“Get the hell away from me, Brian.”

The day was clear, it should be sometime around mid-morning. Brian was sitting down in front of their tent, lying back as he rested the weight of his body on the palm of his hands. Lauren half-growled against his chest, in an indication that she was asleep, but not more disposed than him about waking up.

“Well, that’s rude.” He said, offended. “I’m waking you guys up for breakfast. I’m doing fried eggs, do you want some?”

Darren yawned as he settled his weight on an elbow to answer him, “You should’ve said it before; that’s a yes. Of course.”

A few fingers threw Lauren’s hair off her face. Her eyes were still closed, but he knew she wasn’t asleep anymore.

“Want eggs?”

“Does he have to ask us while staring at us in this exact circumstance?” Lauren’s voice was thin, though willful.

“Yes, I do.” Brian’s smirk said enough.

Lauren rolled over and concluded with a grin, “Then yes, I’m hungry.”

“Got it, but you better hurry before the rest finishes your part.” Brian stood up in a slight jump. He made a tilt with his head after giving a few steps, like if he almost forgot of something, and he added with a wink, before vanishing from their sight. “Also, congrats on the sex.”

Lauren let out a laugh that hid more embarrassment than anything else.

_What are you doing?_ Darren almost asked when her arm passed over his head, before her hand reached out a lost shirt next to the mattress. Her stomach was growling, the eggs better be ready soon.

The chef earned a round of applause after they finished the improvised breakfast, which he –obviously- humbly accepted with a bow.

“Well, I still need to wake myself up, so if anyone wants to join me…” Darren stood up, took off his shirt with a quick pull of his hands, threw it to Brian’s face and ran to the water, at the sight of everyone. He dipped in for a moment and then emerged, the water to the height of his ribs, and with a whip of his head he flipped backwards the hair from his face.

Brian slapped the shirt from his face to the ground, rolled his eyes and then continued to eat his eggs like if nothing had happened. Joe, who was next to Rachel, leaned a bit towards her to say with a raised eyebrow:

“You said you felt tired, so you should consider doing the same.”

“Keep dreaming about it.” The girl grinned, but gave him a warning look.

Joe simply shrugged, “Had to give it a shot.” Then he stood up, and did the same as Darren before running to the water that, due the hour of the morning, was probably cold and uncomfortable. The two boys didn’t let that show, though, and they looked so content like if they were kids in a warm pool.

When Darren decided to go out of the water again, it was almost midday. Lauren was reading a book she had brought, sitting down on the mattress inside of their tent, legs crossed and hair tied into a ponytail. Darren scrubbed a towel strongly against his hair, turning it into a mess, and then threw himself on the couch, wetting the blankets under him.

He turned his head to Lauren, his eyes slightly red and tiny because of the water.

“What are you reading?”

Lauren folded the corner of the page she was reading before closing the book, and then she showed the cover of her _Love in the time of cholera_ copy.

“Re-reading.” She specified.

“I shouldn’t ask if it’s good, then.”

Lauren shook her head. Her gaze distracted with Darren’s wet feet on the sand before it fell on his eyes.

“Listen, last night was… you know, _special_ to me. I just wanted to thank you for being respectful over my past decisions. It made everything feel right.”

“Stop.” Darren cut, suddenly uncomfortable. “You don’t have to do that.”

Lauren’s lips tightened before the answer came along. “My ex-boyfriend wasn’t much like it.”

Darren sat up, clearing his throat. He had heard her talking about him in various occasions, but she never really let him know something relevant. “What happened?”

Lauren looked at the sea while saying it, “When I told him I wanted to wait, he was initially very understanding and all, but it wasn’t even one month before he started getting impatient and tried to make a move every time we made out or something. At first, it took only a second to get him to stop, but he started to lose it after a while. I still didn’t take the alarm signs, or I choose to ignore them because he was really charming and I liked him a lot, I don’t know… I was quite blind through most of it.”

Darren’s teeth felt like pressing against each other at the thought of the possible answer of his question, “Did he force you?”

“He tried to.” Lauren quickly replied. “But I got to escape before he had the chance to… Well, I kicked him in the balls and ran off.”

“Of course you would.”

Lauren giggled before concluding, “He never even called me to apologize or something afterwards. Everything just finished there, like that, horribly.”

Darren felt a bit sick of the stomach, words coming out rougher than expected. “What a complete asshole, if you let me say.”

She looked at him, “He wasn’t what he looked like. I guess you should never judge a book by its cover.”

Darren sighed slowly, “I’d never hurt you.” He breathed, his head falling against her neck, humid hair wetting her skin and giving her goosebumps. “And if I do, you can kick me in the balls as much as you think necessary.”

“Count on it,” She agreed, grinning. She tilted her head against his, but whispered later “You’re going to moisten my book.”

To which he replied by unexpectedly and strongly wrapping his arms around her waist and throwing himself against her, playfully (but not too gently) pushing her to the warm sand.

“Mmm, _get off_.” Lauren cried, unable to fight against him while she tried firstly to resist from laughing too hard.

“Okay, that’s enough. I’m going to throw up.” Rachel had walked to their tent and was watching them with a frown of apathy. “Listen, you have to dissemble your tent, we gotta get going. A policeman got near us and made us a few questions; I think he didn’t really buy the story we made up. Probably some snitch neighbor called them.”

“That’s a bummer,” Lauren said, and then sighed. “It’s such a nice day… though I do want to sleep for a few days when we get home.” She turned her head around to give one last look at the sea, accomplice of the night, before Darren pulled from her hand to get up.

Darren recalled that phrase once he dropped her off at her apartment, many hours later and with an intense tiredness on their shoulders that barely allowed them to gather the logic to talk.

“I promise I will. I can’t really think of anything else besides my bed.” Lauren assured, giving him a quick kiss.

“For once, I trust you.” He replied, feeling no less than the same. He took the blue pen drive out of his pocket, turning it around between his fingers. “We’ll check this baby out tomorrow, so I’ll see you soon?”

“Right. Sure.”

Lauren had almost forgotten completely the true reason of that trip, and she felt a bit saddened for remembering it. She smiled before climbing up the stairs and disappearing from his sight behind the front door.

Caroline was making tea when she came back. Her hair was tied into a messy bun, strands of hair falling on her face and neck.

“Hey,” the girl greeted her, “How was the trip?”

She didn’t know if the resentment she sensed in that question was true or something her mind made up, but she didn’t feel with the nerve to decode it out.

“It was really good,” she merely said. “Very fun.”

“I’m glad.” Before the deceit in that statement sank in, she added quickly, “Your dad called you, by the way.”

“What did he say?” Lauren snapped. It wasn’t usual of him to call, so she had reasons to worry.

“He said he called you to your phone, but you weren’t answering, so I did the same but you didn’t answer neither-”

“I ran out of battery.” She cursed internally, immediately grabbing her phone out of her bag and charging the battery in the plug next to the oven.

“That’s what I said to him that I guessed it happened. Anyway, you should call him now.” Caroline said, gently dipping the tea bag into the hot water.

She was practically doing it before Caroline finished that phrase, calling the minute her phone turned on.

“Dad? Hey. What’s going on?”

A deep, sort of hoarse voice in the other side of the line. “Darling, I’ve been trying to call you for…”

“I know, I know. I wasn’t home and my phone died. What happened?”

The man gave a long, exhausting sigh before talking. “It’s about your mom.”

There was a silence and Lauren felt something in her throat. She suspected of where the conversation was diverting to.

“Dad, what happened?” She asked again, unable to hold that horrible silence.

“She’s not doing all right. She’s had another crisis two days ago. Her doctor called me since, you know, my number is the only one they could contact.”

“Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. At her house, now. But I was wondering if you could check up on her. Maybe spend a few days there, with her. She shouldn’t be alone right now. I know you have classes, but-”

“Of course. Yeah, I can do that. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you, sweetheart, if you two need anything-”

“I know, don’t worry.” Lauren said. Her father would always remain inexorably kind, and would call her childhood names, no matter her age or the circumstances. “I’ll call you soon, okay? Bye.”

Lauren rubbed her eyelids with a few knuckles, sitting down on a chair at the table, before walking to her room to grab a duffel bag from the top of the closet. She needed to pack, therefore, sleeping would still have to wait.

 

* * *

 

 

“Caliban, don’t!” Darren’s index finger warned ominously, but the aforementioned didn’t seem intimidated at all, and continued to jump on the sofa. “Brian, I swear to god…”

“Come on, he’s just happy to see you.” Brian defended the dog, and Darren was going to add that the smell wouldn’t leave the room within three days, but Joe cut him off.

“Is this happening today? Because I should really be studying right now.”

“ _I’m trying_.” Joey, who was acting moderately more prepotent than usual, said behind the screen of the laptop, his right hand grabbing a few excessively long hairs at the top of his forehead in a cue of exasperation, and the other one clicking repeatedly and then just lying over the computer’s mouse for a while, waiting for the mechanism to work –a deep sigh coming out of tight lips when it didn’t. “It’s been particularly more difficult than what I thought.”

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want.” Darren cleared, with a tone that hid more than just a bit of challenging hostility. While he left next to the computer a cup of coffee that Joey had asked him, a defiant gaze shot Joe.  

“And you’d love to scheme what comes next without me, would you?” Joe didn’t hide it at all, though the grin on his lips and the volume of his voice seemed to contradict it.

Darren laughed and shook his head because –what else could he do? Joe had seemed way too indulgent after he and Brian had decided the majority of their plan without even one consult to him, he had agreed on everything and allowed him to do his way all along, until the thing was over, the storm passed and everyone felt sort of safely again. Darren couldn’t be surprised, he sensed it coming and just tried to ignore it until the moment arrived.

“I’d never dare to.” The sarcasm was obvious, but the jest made it casual and avoided surely a fight. He didn’t have such a good humor for that in that moment.

Joe tried to laugh it off, but he kept observing Darren as he disappeared behind the door of his room to make a call.

“Hi.”

“Hey, Lo. The guys are at my place, and Joey’s trying to hack Tyler right now. You’re coming, right?”

There was a short pause before she replied, “No, I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m in my house right now, I mean my mom’s house. I’ll have to stay here indoors for a couple of days to take care of her. She’s a bit sick.”

“That’s too bad. What happened to her?” Darren sat down on the bed, a hand carelessly rubbing the back of his neck.

“She’s had a nervous breakdown. This happened a year and a half ago already, a few months into her divorce and while under a lot of pressure in work. I can guess it’s pretty much the same thing now.”

“Is she okay though?” Darren’s question was more due his concern for Lauren than for the woman who had the power to get him behind the bars.

“She’s fine now, it’s just that she can get severely depressed and she needs someone to check up on her. She shouldn’t be alone right now.” Lauren explained. It was true, although her mother would never admit it. Since the moment she put a step in the house, she kept claiming that she didn’t have to be there in the first place.

“And how are _you_ dealing with this?”

“I’m okay. I still couldn’t get a proper night of sleep, but that’s all.” Lauren said, her fingers playing with the details on the pink fabric of the blanket over the bed.

“Will I at least see you in class?”

“I’ll try not to miss on anything, but I might have to.” She didn’t need to add that she hated that possibility, because she _knew_ Darren knew. “Caroline said she’d take notes on everything, though. So for once, I’ll have to trust on her studying abilities.”

“I’m sure you still are ahead of everyone with your reading. Don’t worry.” Darren assured.

“I guess. I don’t know.” Lauren rambled, lying on her back in the bed. “It will probably be just a couple of days, though. It depends.” She considered, in her head, asking Darren to come visit her there sometime, but the consequences of it made a mess in her head, and she decided to let that decision for later. “You’ll have to call me and tell me everything about the website later.”

Darren stood up and walked to the door, “That if we get in.”

“Still no luck?”

“YES! _I did it!”_ Joey shouted as his figure appeared when Darren opened the door, fists being thrown into the air in a sign of victory.

“Seems like we _just_ got lucky.” Darren informed, grinning and almost running to the table. “I’ll call you later.”

He approached Joey, standing up behind him, his hands on his shoulders and watching at the screen in front of him, though he didn’t really understand most of what he saw.

Joey had brought another device with him, a sort of white modem that –according to him, would allow them to browse in the website without leaving a trace, and not letting them to know they logged in with one of their accounts.

“It wasn’t easy.” Joey said. “I probably will only be able to do this once. At least, without being tracked down.”

Darren’s lips tightened, worried.

“Then let’s seize it.” Joe said, dragging a chair next to him. Brian, Jeff and Rachel proceeded to do the same.

Joey entered into what it seemed like a forum, maybe one they’d have used five years ago, since its design was simple and even archaic. They had to browse for a lot of text, sometimes entirely html which they couldn’t get to understand, long, exhausting minutes of scrolling, and there were also sections of chatting. There were many names and faces they didn’t recognize, but Michael, Tyler and others they had seen and even had been friends with showed up there. They didn’t bother to read most of the part, once they realized they couldn’t either understand what it was about, or it was completely useless for them.

Then Joey came across through the first shocking, disturbing section of the site. Darren told him to enter as soon as he recognized the name of the pub Michael and his brother owned until the scandal destroyed everything, next to a numeral date from a few years back. Once they were in, there were pictures of girls, of different age and characteristics, wearing more or less clothes, and it didn’t take them too long to figure out what was that fold about.

Joey looked at him, his eyes wide and a bitter expression, hoping to hear Darren saying exactly the opposite of what he actually said.

“Those are the girls they had up there.”

“Against will?” Joey asked.

“I’m not sure.” Darren replied. “Keep going.”

All of the pictures were taken in the same room, with white walls, a window behind, and in a brown bed. The expression in the faces of the girls were emotionless, it was impossible to decode whether they were there because they had decided it or not. Under the photographs, a full name, age and date –probably of when the picture was taken. Listed one through another one, like stiff replicas coming out of machines. It seemed endless. Date changed.

“Yeah, I can’t watch this anymore.” Jeff said, walking to the other side of the room, looking disturbed. He ran his hands through his face and hair several times, shaking his head like if this would wipe out the memories.

Brian followed him not long after. Joey’s constant looks at him indicated he wanted to do the same, but they couldn’t stop until they got what they needed, especially if this was an exceptional only chance.

Darren shared with them the clear urge to stop the browsing and stop watching that, something tightening his shoulders and jaw, but at the same time, there was something that would not allow him to blink and miss a detail from what it was on the screen. There was a feeling of rage towards the people responsible of it that felt logical, but for him it felt rarely estranged from reality and people he knew, it was almost for a moment pure curiosity and _morbo_ about humanity’s brutality.

“Stop it.” Rachel said after a while. “There’s nothing that we can use there. It’s sickening, and I don’t wanna see it.”

“But you’re downloading all of this, aren’t you?” Darren asked. Rachel looked at him. “We _don’t know_ if it can be useful in the future.”

Darren wondered if Lauren would be moved more by the morbid fascination or the disgust. She rejected ignorance above everything, after all. And they had to be sure of what these people were capable of.

“All of this is being downloaded right into the pen drive. I won’t save it in your computer, and I recommend you not to ever put it in any computer. It can be tracked that way, too.” Joey explained.

“Okay, let’s see if there’s something else.” Darren finally yielded. There was something in his stomach that didn’t relax until the pictures disappeared. The expression of the rest showed the same. Joe was quiet and distant.

There were numerous files with encoded names they couldn’t figure out, so they clicked on random ones, coming across texts, conversations and pictures they didn’t understand, for a long while.

“That picture, _that_ one.” Brian, who had come back once they told him the worst was over, almost shouted. “It’s in the bathroom of NYU. I’m sure that’s it.”

It was a mostly casual photograph of Michael, Tyler and –according to Jeff another guy called Hector, with a few small packages of different types of drugs in the lavatory table. They weren’t looking at the camera, but they knew it was them. Of course they’d be selling it at their university, and it was _flawless._

“This is perfect for our first step.” Darren bit his lip in excitement.

Joe patted Darren’s back. “We did it.” He said proudly.

“Not yet,” Darren corrected. He wet his lips, “It’s just starting.”

 

 ~

 

“I’m gonna cook something for my coffee, want anything special?” Lauren took a walk by the studio before heading to the kitchen.

“You know, there’s parfait in the fridge.” Kate, her mother, answered from the desk. There were books and papers all over the surface, most of them neatly fixed, a half-empty bottle of whiskey and worn out cigarettes still laying off smoke from the ashtray.

“I wanna cook something.” Lauren explained. It was Sunday, and she was bored of being alone in her bedroom. She didn’t want to fall asleep and wake up the next day, neither. “And you should come downstairs as well, it’s six pm in a Sunday and working is something like illegal, I’m quite sure. I know you’re the lawyer but...”

The woman’s lips grinned under the thick glasses and dark eye-bags, but she didn’t look close to leave her seat. “Thank you, dear, but I need to deliver a few things tomorrow and…”

“I didn’t come here to be by myself all the time.”

“And I told you that you didn’t need to come here, for a start.” She said calmly, though at guard. “We both have many things to do right now to force the standard connivance.”

Lauren sat down on the empty edge of the table and looked at her, arms crossed over her body. She knew she was upset about her going there because she didn’t let herself to admit that she was ill, but there’d have to come the time when she accepted it, and accepted the help she was handing her as well. She didn’t enjoy being disregarded.

“But clearly you won’t leave until I accept the offer, so…” Kate continued, finally closing the folder facing her. Lauren glanced, almost without wanting to, and her breath stopped for a second because she couldn’t allow herself to admit what her eyes caught.

It was only a second, but she was sure. She was completely sure there was a picture of Darren inside of that folder. She’d recognize that hair anywhere.

She remained there, staring at the yellow portfolio, now closed, like if someone had frozen her in that position. And she was so caught up in the fear and anxiety that photograph caused her, that she gasped quietly when a feminine voice called from the door of the studio:

“Lauren. Are we coming downstairs or what?”

Lauren blinked, jumping from the table. She nodded in agreement while she grabbed the doorknob, her mother heading downstairs already. Before closing the door, she glanced once again to that folder, that remained there, at the table, on her own house. Disposed to shown to anyone who had the guts to stand what carried inside.

Did she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I always say, all the support you guys give me completely make my day, please keep the reviews comming! It makes me SO HAPPY to read your thoughts, any thoughts, and helps me to keep going. I love you, bai.


	22. Work is personal matters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be only the 1st part of the chapter, but since I can’t get much time/emotional stability to write, I’m uploading what I could get on words. I’m sorry for taking so long, but....... life is screwing me all over.
> 
> If there’s still any readers out there (which i hope), thanks for not giving up on me, that’s all.

**Chapter 22: Work is personal matters**

Darren shared with her a very brief eye contact before taking a seat before her, which was not enough to demonstrate much more than a moderate surprise. He put his notebook and pen on the desk, placed his bag under it and only then turned around to whisper, lowly enough to not call Professor Rosenberg’s attention while he wandered throughout the classroom dictating the theoretical class.

“Hey,” She leaned slightly forwards to hear him better, “Everything alright? You didn’t answer my calls.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Lauren answered, lowly as well, her fingertips pressing the pen placed on top of the desk. “These days have been a mess, I forgot.” While that excuse wasn’t true, the days _did_ were a mess. Darren’s expression anticipated there was another question at the tip of his tongue, so she added abruptly, “What happened with the website? Did you guys find anything you could send to NYU, anyway?”

“Tell me yourself.” He simply said, grabbing the New York Times’ paper of the day before from the inside of his notebook, folded at one specific page, and throwing it over her desk.

It wasn’t quite a big article, but you could spot the black letters after your eyes had given a glimpse all over the page, rumpled from what surely have been the entirely of the gang’s hands while a chant of victory came from their mouths. She could practically picture it in her mind.

_Group of students get expelled after handling a drug business inside of university,_ and a more detailed explanation following she didn’t bother to read.

“Well done,” Lauren replied, handing the paper back.

Darren’s eyebrows were up as he observed, “I expected a much more moving reaction, to be honest.”

“I’m singing inside, trust me.” Lauren grinned shortly, then shook her head. She let it out after a pause, “It’s just… Don’t you think-?” She leaned backwards to rest in her seat, mouth shut discretely, while professor Rosenberg walked next to them, and continued when he got far enough, this time leaning sufficiently close to make sure no one else could hear a thing. “Don’t you think they’ll know it was you?”

Darren shrugged, careless, “Does it matter?”

“Of course it does.” Her answer was immediate. She placed a hand on his shoulder, softly. “I’m worried.”

“I knew the risk.” Darren seemed confused at this statement, like if they were having the exact same conversation all over again. “ _You_ knew the risk.”

And Lauren hated that _I-told-you-so_ look, but she couldn’t turn off emotions inside of her like the light of a room.

“So you’re saying that you don’t care?”

Darren sighed, finally throwing with a certain tone and looking at her, “I’m saying that I’ll take whatever I have to take.”

Then he turned around before giving her the chance to respond, and Lauren had no option than to pretend she was taking notes of the class. Feeling somewhat alone in the middle of that classroom, like if she had fallen on a strange land, and she didn’t talk the same language, wore the same clothes, or felt the same grieves.  

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you sure you want to do the ball this year?” Lauren’s reply to her mother’s question about the possible future date they should meet with the catering service wasn’t neither the reply she was expecting or a proper reply at all. “I mean… You shouldn’t over-demand yourself right now, and with college I barely have time to do anything whatsoever. It might be too much for just the two of us.”

She knew after finishing that last phrase that she chose the worst possible words.

“I don’t see what can be too much about it, and I’m perfectly capable of taking care of this on my own. Besides, it’s practically tradition. Why wouldn’t you want to celebrate this year?” The phrases came out of her mother’s lips one through another, like spasms she couldn’t control.

The ball was an odd nickname for the fancy gala her family hosted every year during her birthday, and the tradition thing was a suitable point. It had been -at the beginning- a birthday party, but at that point it felt more of an excuse and it was everything but about her at all. It was a meeting of friends and coworkers of her family, it was a business meeting, it was a fashion event for some –but it wasn’t about her. Nonetheless, she was a crucial symbol of the dinner, so her opinion should somewhat weight more in the whole thing.

“I could celebrate differently this year. The ball is so much effort. I could just go and have dinner at a restaurant with a few friends. We could have lunch in here with close family.” It made her embarrassed as she said it: how silly it sounded, and how thin her voice seemed to come out, almost fading out by the end.

“You know I’ll take care of everything.” The tone in Katie’s voice was already defensive, “If we just don’t do it, people will think –God, who knows what they will think?” The scenario was, apparently, too horrifying to describe.

_That we have better things to take care of?_ “Yeah, okay. Sure.” She finally gave in, knowing it wasn’t worth to start a discussion for just a one-night thing. She was so used to it that it’d pass as fast as the blink of an eye.

The scandalized tone vanished quickly as Lauren said that, and it was replaced by a satisfied, subtle grin in her mother’s lips. “Wonderful. I have an event that week, though, so I was considering it to make it on March 1st.”

“You know, they say it’s bad luck to celebrate birthdays before the date.” Katie’s expression changed abruptly again, so she just shook her head. “It’s a joke. March 1st is perfect.”

Lauren grinned shortly, before calling to be excused of finishing dinner and going upstairs. She walked the way to her room slowly, remembering the countless times in the past she had wandered through the house, sensing it was enormous and wondering if she could ever finally memorize the number of steps she tried to count, as a game, that lead you from a room to another. The emptiness and silence from back then had become not a challenge anymore, but an obvious sign of lacking –of people, movement, noise, life. She felt the huge difference with her apartment, though it was quite big for two people if you compared it with other classmates’, she could count with Caroline to always make it feel like if it was alive.

Not so much now, though. Things have been weird since the redhead started dating Joe and she went out with the gang. Whenever Lauren started feeling like she could actually play a role in the group, and that she was one of them, having earned the place as everyone else, Caroline worked as a reminder that -if it wasn’t for Darren- none of them would think she was rad or an option to hang out with, and that the outsider mark would never fade off her skin. She didn’t even consider it important, until she realized that it was. So Lauren sometimes acted cold, but Caroline didn’t joke about it like she used to –instead, she fired back a colder comment and then a tense silence followed until one of them walked out of the room. All of this contributed to Caroline not even texting her during the days she was immersed in the house, and Lauren didn’t text first neither. It felt like if instead of going twenty minutes away from their apartment, she had moved to the other side of the world.

Her mind was lost somewhere between counting the steps from the stairs to the room, and wondering if there’d be a text from Caroline on her phone, when she stopped in front of the door of her mom’s studio. Forty-two steps, and it seemed like if a clout drew her eyes to the wood, and she felt frozen there for long enough to lose count.

The silence was so powerful, that there wasn’t a way of shutting the voice in her mind out. A year ago, it’d say: _what’s the right thing to do?_ And she’d answer to herself almost immediately. Now, the question was: _what will bring me less guilt?_ _What will hurt less the ones I love?_ But she was opening the door before she could get to an answer.

Katie was still in the middle of lunch when she left, so she guessed she had more than enough time to find what she was looking for. The table was a big mess of different files, and she abandoned it after leafing through a tall pile of papers without spotting the yellow portfolio. She opened the first drawer of the desk with hands that were slightly shaking, but not enough to be noticeable to the eye. There was a blue file at first sight, and she couldn’t avoid the air coming out loudly of her mouth when she lifted it a bit, and there it was. The cover was hard under her fingers, and opening it felt heavy, both in a physical and metaphorical sense.

She’d never define what was worse: the doubt of whether worrying about Darren was righteous, or its certainty. But she could define that this certainty felt like a punch in the pit of the stomach that leaves one out of air. Her eyes laid on a parade of pictures, folded one by one, of Darren doing a variety of things: sometimes alone in the street, with people she didn’t know, sometimes posing or without knowledge there was a camera around, but mostly with his usual careless expression that made clear he had no idea how those pictures would be used. Quite a big part of the pictures didn’t give away the best side of him, and they made him look like some dark, cocky underground. Under each one of the photographs, written in black ink, footnotes indicating a date and hour –some of them had been crossed out and changed, the location of the picture, and with a bigger font _: suitable_ , or _not suitable._ There were plenty of pictures with Michael that said _not suitable_ , but some of them apparently passed the test; she failed to determine the pattern.

Lauren skipped a few pages, to a pair of newspaper clippings regarding the club situation. There were not more than four or five. She felt too overwhelmed to stop for a detailed reading, but the words _mysterious network_ , _Michigan_ and _quiet police_ were thrown all over. She was turning the last page when a voice almost made her jump of fear –did she stupidly leave the door open or she was too immersed in the yellow folder to hear it?

“Lauren, what the hell are you doing?”

When she said it, it felt like if it came from someone else, and she was a spectator of the whole scene. But her voice wasn’t anywhere nearly to fading out.

“You can’t do this.”

The woman seemed more confused than offended, for the first time in a while. “What are you talking about?” Her eyes, with the same brown as hers, looked down to the sheet of paper in her hands.

“You can’t charge against him. He’s innocent.”

Katie placed a hand that meant to be gentle on her shoulder, because she noticed the nerve that was setting her voice straight and rough like that. Lauren was annoyed by the touch, but she didn’t say it.

“We’ve talked about this before. I know people in your college will talk behind your back, but this is work and it’s far more important. I thought you said you understood that. I’d rather discuss why you were spying on my…”

“It’s not _that_ ,” Lauren snapped, upset. “It’s because he’s innocent and… and _he’s my boyfriend_.”

The expression on her mom’s face could’ve been the same if she said she wanted to quit college and become a circus star.

“You’re messing with me.” She said it as a statement.

Lauren pressed her lips together, and then shook her head. She remained silent, trying to let that sink in before giving more information that could only weight against her.

“How could you even meet someone like this?”

“He’s in a few of my classes. It’s not that hard, meeting people, you know.”

“I mean,” Katie was losing patience, and Lauren knew she shouldn’t do this, not in the state she was, but the beast had been unleashed and she couldn’t stop it now. The judging tone in her voice made nothing but to trigger it. “How did you end up in a relationship with someone like that? Are you even aware of the circles he’s been involved with? The things he’s accused to have done?”

“I know everything I need to know.”

She sighed, and then the spit slowly travelled through her throat. “When did this happen?”

“It’s been more than three months by now.” Lauren tried to calm her voice. “He’s a delight, and you’d think so if you get to know him.” She made a pause before adding, lower, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”

But that didn’t seem to be the problem for her. “Well… that’s not really the point. I am very sorry, Lauren, but I can’t let personal matters into my work. It’s not… it’s not professional.”

“But your work _is_ personal matters, mom, and have always been. These are real people’s lives we’re talking about. Lives that affect me directly. Can’t you choose literally anyone else?”

She got the point right with that discourse and the woman seemed to notice.

Katie appeared to be just as impotent as her with the situation. Her voice came out less certain with every sentence. “He is perfect. I have no one else that fits the profile so correctly, with evidence that can be so easily manipulated and a suitable history. And everything has been settled down for months now. The trial should have place in about a month and a half, and next week I have to send to the police the…”

“What if I give you someone that checks all those items as well?”

“I need evidence that I can…”

“You mean, like pictures?” Lauren couldn’t help but to keep interrupting. This was on her, and on her only. She had to figure it out.

Katie nodded, but the look on her face was discouraging everything she could possibly say.

Lauren tried to sound the most reasonable she could. “I can get you that. Trust me, I can. I have someone that suits even better your profile, I think.”

 “I don’t know…”

“Give me a chance. I can get this for you. I’m completely sure it’ll work. You’re a great lawyer, and you’ll fix it with Mi- with your client to change the target. It’ll be the same for them. _Please_.”

Lauren knew it wasn’t right. She wasn’t sure about many things, but she was sure this wasn’t right, and it didn’t stop her.

The woman pressed her lips together. It was clear that she was upset, but she gave in. “Okay. You have three days and nothing more, get it? If not, I’ll continue with the plan as we had it.”

“Absolutely.” Lauren made an effort not to smile, because it was the least proper thing to do.

Katie sighed, and she knew this was incredibly difficult to accept, and she wouldn’t have done it for anyone else. The wood could bend before it cracked.

“And can I know who this person is, anyway?” She asked, her eyes looking straight into hers.

Lauren knew it wasn’t right and that was one thing, point and new paragraph. But another completely different thing was to find pleasure on it.

“His name is Joseph Walker.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Get this, she’s gonna blow me off. I’ll bet you… a Fernet Branca.” Darren said, resigned. He was lying on the couch, legs resting comfortably over the top of it and head dangling upside down as he messed around on his phone. “Remind to me how did I survive Friday night’s parties when I was single?”

“You got drunk and got into someone else’s pants, eventually.” Joe explained as he slid through the couch, stretching his arm to the other side of Darren to grab the TV remote.

“Right.” Darren said, hearing the dial tone on his ear. “We can arrange half of that plan.”

Joe gave him a look, zapping through the channels, but Lauren’s voice came on surprisingly fast for what Darren was expecting.

“Hey, how are things?” He gave Joe a glance that asked to turn down the volume, but it was ignored.

“Things are okay around here. And you?”

Darren groped blindly to take the remote from his friend’s hands, but it was quite a hard attempt in that position. He had to gather some air before replying.

“I’m at Jim and Joe’s right now. If you don’t have plans for tonight… they’re throwing a party, kind of. A few people will come over. There’ll be food, alcohol, someone embarrassing themselves. The usual.”

“Is it the party at Jim and Joe’s apartment?” The question practically gave him the answer he expected.

Darren cleared his throat before answering, like if he wanted to delay it somehow. “Yeah…”

“Okay, I’m in.”

He couldn’t help but to let out a snort of surprise, his hand falling on the couch, passive. “Really?”

“I can’t wait.” Lauren assured.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Darren sort of felt he was misunderstanding a joke. He grabbed Joe’s shoulder to sit up, the concentration of blood in his head was making him dizzy.

“Why did you invite me if you’re gonna act all weird when I say yes? I need to let go some of the stress.”

He didn’t think he was the one acting weird, but he just mumbled out, “I was expecting having to convince you for over fifteen minutes more, but this gives me time to go home and get a shower. I’ll pick you up in over an hour and a half.”

“Great. I’ll see you soon.”

Darren looked at Joe with a satisfied, though confused look as he hung up the phone. “Well, that was unexpected.” He said.

“You owe me a Fernet Branca.” His friend only warned, standing up and cracking his back.

“I wonder what made her change her mind out of nowhere.”

Joe rolled his eyes before saying, “Stop complaining. It sounds like you’re getting laid tonight.”

“Or I’m in some fucking deep trouble.” Darren sentenced.

Joe had walked to the bathroom. Without closing the door, he opened water of the shower. The drops made a loud rambling while falling down. “Yeah, there’s always that possibility.” He added, honest, and took off his shirt.

Darren’s sigh was escorted by a sway that put his head upside down again, before he rolled over and dragged himself out of the apartment. He had a bad feeling about it, and his instincts were never wrong about those things.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews and support and signs of life are all very welcome!


	23. In cages

**Chapter 23: In cages**

“Be easy on me, I have a test tomorrow.” Brian warned, while Jeff filled the plastic cups with more beer than what it seemed convenient, and then placed them in a triangle figure. “I gotta be up at six.”

“You’ll be up at _five thirty,_ for a coffee and a cold shower.” Jeff assured with a wink. He was playing to arranging the party, by insisting everyone to play the silly games he wanted and pretending to be DJ by messing with every music album that Jim and Joe owned. “Want the first round?” He asked to Darren as he walked past him to grab a bottle of Dr. Lemon.

“It’s too early and I’m too good at this game,” Darren explained, shaking his head. “Count with me for about one hour and a half later.”

Jeff rolled his eyes in disregard, but accepted the condition.

“There’s an early allegedly birthday party for me next week.” Lauren said in a casual tone of voice. “Just in case you guys were planning to crush it in the middle of the night, I’d suggest you not to.”

“I’m taking notes.” Darren replied, taking a seat next to her. He sipped from the bottle before handing it to her, “Does that mean I am invited?”

“Well, _I’m_ inviting you.” She explained, shrugging. “I know middle aged brats, and lobster  with red wine for dinner are not your favorite thing, but…”

“If there’s wine, it sounds like a party to me.” His hand slid to catch her fingers. He remembered that she didn’t always have a good time at those soirées, and he figured he could lessen the drama a bit. “Count me in.”

Lauren grinned shortly. “Okay. Are you aware that this means that you’ll meet my family?”

Darren’s answer was a bit delayed as he actually processed this. “I doubt I’ll make a worst impression than my first.” He finally commented, “it can only get better from here.” He rolled his eyes before adding, “I am _terrible_ at first impressions.”

“There’s certain charm in the inadequacy, I guess.” Lauren raised an eyebrow. She turned her head to the left, expecting to take a look at the rest of Joe and Jim’s apartment, but she blinked all of sudden and turned her head back at Darren again, like if she had seen something she’d rather not, then pressed her lips tight before whispering not too quietly, “Do they have to do that in here?”

“It seems important that they do.” Darren joked, glancing with a grin at Joe and Caroline passionately making out in the other couch. He found funny that this annoyed her so much. Darren could not care less about whom most of his friends snogged. They could all snog each other if it was up to him. None of it was truly serious whatsoever. They were young and those things were meaningless. But Lauren seemed to take everything deeply personally, searching for purpose in things that had no reason to be at all.

Not long after, Jeff whistled shortly and said something like _your turn_ , and Darren announced severely:

“My fate is calling me. Please, await for my return.” He stood up heroically before heading to the table, a few steps away, where the winner of the last round, Brian, was hanging on. They defiantly gazed into each other’s eyes, unintentionally revealing that they weren’t near a sober state.

That wouldn’t end well.

“Yeah, don’t count with that so much.” Lauren warned him. Then she stood up too, fixing her aqua blouse that was tucked inside of her black jeans.

She was going to ask one of the hosts about the bathroom’s location, but Jim was too immersed in an animated chat with a crowd she didn’t know, and Joe’s mouth (and hands, and other parts of his body she didn’t want to find detail on) were so concentrated on Caroline that it was impossible to have a chance to get near. So she walked towards the hall without having anyone notice, planning to find the bathroom by herself. There were three doors, she supposed one of them was the bathroom’s and the other two were the guys’ rooms.

She opened a random door and was able to tell at first sight that it was a bedroom, which made the most convenient option to get out and shut the door again. But her eyes widened when she spotted quickly (the peek of) a figure, which she confirmed to be, after she stuck her head inside of the room.

“Hey, what are you doing here alone?” Lauren’s voice sounded foolishly soft for her liking, almost childish, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t understand or completely get to believe that Rachel was sitting there on the bed, with her arms wrapped around her legs and eyes so red that there wasn’t another explanation besides a half-hour cry not long ago.

“Um… Thinking, I suppose.” The girl said lowly, with a dead voice. Lauren had never heard her using such weak tone. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“I was looking for the bathroom.” Lauren explained, resting her weight against the doorframe, her head slightly tilting to reach the wall.

“It’s the door to the left.” Rachel used the exact same tone for that reply as well, like if she was the operator at the other side of the telephone.

But instead of listening to the indications, Lauren gave two careful, thought-out steps inside of the room.

“Don’t you want some company?”

Rachel first stared at her like if she wanted to murder her. Then, the tense expression vanished as she just shrugged, “Do as you like.”

Though she was still a bit astonished to see her like this to know exactly how to react, Lauren wouldn’t feel alright with walking away and leaving someone just like it. It was obvious she needed support, and she doubted she could get it from someone outside, too entertained and drunk to offer a steady hand.

So she closed the door and walked with steps that felt heavy until she sat down next to Rachel, without facing her, so she took a look at the inside of the room instead. She eyed a rotten _The doors’_ poster that made her know this was Joe’s room.

Lauren only realized Rachel had a bottle between her hands when she offered it to her. She grabbed it mostly to keep the other girl from keeping on drinking.

“So why aren’t you outside?”

“There’s lots of people outside.”

Lauren looked at her. “I thought you liked noisy crowds. Don’t all bikers do?”

“Not tonight.” She merely replied. There was a resigned breath before a low voice announced, “I should probably just go home.”

Rachel made the motion to stand up, but Lauren pulled from her knee and cried, “Wait, stay. I need at least a ten minute break from watching Caroline and Joe making out. I’m not ready to be out yet.”

Rachel let out a snort that seemed more instinctive than out of will. “God, that’s _exactly_ …” Then she suddenly stopped herself and looked at Lauren like if she had said something she shouldn’t have, and it was a hint impossible to ignore.

“That’s exactly _what_?”

“Nevermind.” Rachel stood up, but Lauren wouldn’t call it quits so easily.

“You know, the last time you talked to me about those two, you actually gave me some pretty helpful advice. I don’t want to miss out on that.” She knew that it was a frail argument, but it was a start.

“It’s different now.” Rachel warned severely, and looked at her quite condescendingly. “You could never get it.”

The judgment in the last phrase kind of got between Lauren’s gut and she almost stopped insisting, but the curiosity and the stubborn need to help someone upset balanced the other side out.

“Do what you want, but I’m the most sober and sane person in this building right now. If you’re gonna let it out with someone, your best shot is me. And from what it looks like, if you don’t talk now, you’ll end up drunk-dialing the least convenient person you should call at 3am.”

Rachel seemed to discern that the amount of truth in that statement was enough before sighing and sitting down again. She swiped the bottle from her hands and drank at least ten sips straight before sighing once again, and only then she talked, much more quietly and calm than what was expected.

“Do you know that last girl Joe dated? Devin?”

Lauren didn’t know much about her. She had seen her around the campus every once in a while, and Darren had mentioned her name, vaguely and briefly, a few times. “Sure, what with her?”

Rachel looked intensely troubled. “Do you know how they broke up because Joe was seeing a girl from out of town?”

Lauren frowned, “I think I remember something about it, but I’m not really sure.”

“Well, that was what people said, that they broke up because Devin found out Joe was seeing someone else, but it wasn’t someone from out of town. That was something that came up within the rumors.” She was looking at her like if there could be a cryptic message on her eyes, but Lauren shook her head, not sure she could be understanding this correctly.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean there’s something more than friendship between me and Joe.”

Lauren felt the air was becoming strange. The words were painfully slow coming out of her mouth. Time was becoming heavier. “This is… Since –since when?”

Rachel’s lips bent as she shook her head, letting her know that question had a much more complicated answer. “Since always.”

“You have a boyfriend.” Lauren felt stupid after saying it. Like if she could not be aware of that.

“We’ve always had our respective relationships, but there’s still some kind of bond between us we can’t cut. It’s just always there.” She ran a hand through her hair in a sign of distress. She was obviously not troubled about _that_ part of the story. “It never felt so important, because I’ve never seen him allowing a girl to cling this much from his neck all the time. Until now. And… I never thought this would fuck me up like it’s happening now.”

Lauren knew she should’ve said something to defend her friend, but she was still too shocked for it. She still needed to tie some knots from the previous confessions before coming up with an advice.

“Then Joe’s cheating on Caroline.” There was a rare mix of _I-told-you-so_ arrogance and compassion growing inside of her.

“You can’t tell this to anyone.” Rachel’s calmness was thrown away with that warning. Lauren felt she couldn’t look at her from the intensity in her eyes, and had to switch from glancing at her to the _The Doors’_ poster. “Swear you won’t tell.”

Lauren doubted for a moment, but she knew she had no choice. “I swear. Your secret’s safe.” She assured, making a big effort to look at her eyes as she said this. “I just don’t get it. Are you in love with Joe?”

Rachel frowned. “Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. What makes you think that?”

“You’re obviously upset because he’s in a serious relationship and it’s not with you.” Lauren thought it was pretty logical, but apparently the girl didn’t seem to think so. She shook her head repeatedly before any words came out.

“I don’t know what I’m feeling, but that’s not it. We never… I never wanted that. I wouldn’t force that, ever. Since the start, it was clear that we’d never do _that_ thing, and start pushing ourselves into cages… claim we own one another… We’re not those people.”

There were tears behind Rachel’s eyes; she didn’t let them fall, or seemed to struggle to not cry, but Lauren noticed. She felt depersonalized for a moment, watching a version of herself reflected in that speech.

“You can’t label all of your emotions and expect them to stay that way forever.” Lauren said,  “You can try to control them, but you’re only damaging yourself denying the truth. Trust me, I know that.”

Rachel listened to her and stayed quiet for a moment, and while she shook her head and rested against the wall, Lauren knew that her mind was racing in a thousand of different directions.

“We’re not those people. We can’t be. Relationships…” Rachel repeated, calmly, but with a thin voice, her eyes lost at some intangible point on the opposite wall. She sighed. “We get happy to have each other the way people love birds. I love birds, you say, as you put them in cages and cut their wings.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.”

Rachel walked to her, suddenly so serene and calm that it almost didn’t seem Lauren was the one who stayed over to comfort her. Her fingers slowly caught a lock of Lauren’s brunette hair, and she circled it around a finger, then gently let it go, her hand falling on her shoulder, over the thin silk of her blouse, in what was almost a caress, but it wasn’t.

“You’re one of the good ones. Sometimes I think you shouldn’t be here.” Rachel said. Lauren looked at her, and her eyes weren’t angry or defying this time, but they reflected so much pity towards her that it was a thousand times more painful. “I’m sorry.”

Rachel left quickly afterwards, but the echo of that last phrase seemed to stay in the room for quite a long time. Lauren didn’t move for a while, and remained there, sitting down on the bed in front of that poster. There was a strange mix of pity and affection in Rachel’s words, and it wasn’t the first time she sensed that coming from her. She tried to tell herself that this was due the girl’s current perspective, discerning everything into black and white, but she didn’t feel much more convinced.

And this situation wasn’t fair for Caroline. Lauren was supposed to be her best friend. She should prioritize Caroline’s wellbeing over Rachel’s, whom she had known way littler and for a shorter time; but there was a promise, a relationship and –most importantly- her friend’s happiness in the way. Despite everything, Caroline was living what she thought to be her moment, and knowing the truth would utterly ruin it. Whatever she did, she would be betraying both girls. There was no legitimate way to be on the right side.

Her eyes wandered through Joe’s room. The door was closed. There was a pile of messy clothes in a chair in front of an opened wardrobe, and a cupboard with books, albums and photographs. She stood up and walked closer, grabbing the dusty picture frames, to take a better look. It didn’t take long to spot Darren’s fuzzy hair in them, along a dozen of leather jackets and Rachel’s red lipstick. She placed them back in their spot and felt a sudden wave of anxiousness.

This was the perfect moment and she couldn’t let it get away.

Rachel had said, on another occasion, when they had gone to Michigan’s Hole’s bridge, that Joe still had a collection of photos from the times he was friends with Michael, to remember what happened between him and Michael’s sister. There was a place in that room when those pictures were being kept, and she needed to figure out where it was.

There was nothing suspicious near the pile of clothes. There was a tiny wooden case behind the photographs, but they had only spare money, abandoned cigarettes, and old cinema tickets. The last drawer of the wardrobe contained nothing but sockets. She rummaged through the bedside table invaded by the feeling of being an intruder, but it was in vain. Maybe Joe got rid off the pictures without telling Rachel, which put Lauren in a big mess.

Stressed, she sat on the bed again, throwing herself a bit violently, her feet accidentally kicking something metallic that slipped a bit on the floor. Curious, she bent over to figure what it was. It was a metallic box that gave the appearance of an old lunchbox. Inside of it, there was a raft of weed cigars, an outworn journal, a similarly wasted copy of _The waste land_ , and (finally) a thin heap of photographs shrouded by a rubber band. She put the band around her wrist, and took a quick look to the first pictures. She recognized Michael’s sister instantly, the similarities gave her away. The first two pictures showed only the couple, but soon after you could spot Michael and the pub. She decided to watch them carefully later, and just put the inside of her purse. It was exactly what she needed.

Rachel thought she was too soft to be there. But she didn’t know her so well, whatsoever. She led herself there, and it was her own merit.

Lauren turned off the light before walking out of the room and actually going to the bathroom. And she knew, while walking through the hallway back to the party, that it made no sense to jump at the appearance of Joe, because there was nothing to be suspected of; but she did it anyway.

“Hey,” Joe said. He was smiling, for some reason, and didn’t seem to notice that she had been lost somewhere in his apartment for a long time. “Darren is drunk as fuck. You _need_ to see it.”

Lauren hadn’t heard that level of excitement in Joe Walker’s voice before.

“Really?” Lauren commented, mostly because she didn’t know what else to say.

“It’s a spectacle.”

He walked past her, opening the bathroom’s door, but a hand pushed slightly her back to hurry her out of the way. If Darren was drunk, Joe couldn’t be any better himself.

She’d have found him even if she didn’t want to, since it would be uncommon to ignore the guy giving a briskly argumentative display on why Brian’s victory didn’t really count, while gesturing excessively to the point of spilling a bit of the beer inside of his glass. Brian just laughed sincerely at the attitude of his friend, said something like _go home, mate, you’re embarrassing yourself_ and gently pulled him to the couch before he’d lose balance.

Darren threw his head backwards into the couch in an immensely exaggerated rage.

“Hey, you all right?” Lauren asked, grinning, as she sat down beside him.

“I’ve…” he turned his head towards her with wide eyes. “never been better.”

“I can tell.”

“I _love_ the way you look tonight.” The vocals in every world were sounds larger than usual, and he’d still sort of sway on his place as he talked. His hand felt a bit blundering as he failed to catch hers in the first try, but when he found it, his fingers gave a firm grip. “Maybe it’s just because I hadn’t seen you in forever, but I’m glad you didn’t blow me off this time.”

Lauren frowned, “What are you talking about?”

“I know you’ve been avoiding me since we came back from New York. I still can’t figure out why, since –well, we gave a big step, and I thought that we… –whatever. But I’m glad you’re here tonight, and I won’t fuck it up by trying to get you to talk about whatever you don’t wanna tell me.”

She felt so suddenly miserable that not even the thunderous, catchy tune playing in the apartment could make her think of something else (Brian was now screaming to Jeff to put _some real music, for fucking god’s_ sake). She had been so caught up in the other things that were bothering her, that she allowed them to take up all the space in her mind and time. Darren had been trying to figure out what was wrong with her all this time because she wouldn’t say a word, yet the only reason she accepted his invitation was to steal something from the owner of the place. Worst of all: it took his weight in alcohol to get him to say it.

“It’s not your fault, I’m just…” Lauren lost a moment trying to find an excuse, before realizing that the most sincere thing to do would be nothing but an apology. “I’m sorry. It might sound hypocritical from my part, but I really did miss you.”

Instead of giving an instant reply, Darren’s head continued to fall to her shoulder, and then he buried his head into the curve of her neck, his hair giving her tickles she didn’t mind about; it was almost a catlike caress. He kissed her neck, but it wasn’t teasing, he just softly placed his lips over her skin, and said lowly:

“You know I love you, right?”

Half of her wanted to allow the feeling of comfort that Darren provided her to invade her completely, but the other half of her didn’t feel like she deserved it. This was the second time Darren said he loved her, and she couldn’t do more than to stroke his hair and let him to continue mumbling things that only made a bit of sense; because there are words that become alive once you let them out, and you can’t control things that are alive.

Maybe Rachel had a point in her philosophy. Maybe what people called love did conditioned you into the reciprocity of feeling a certain way, and saying a certain way, and acting a certain way. Maybe it’s not for everyone. But, maybe, fear was a way of conditioning yourself, too.

Lauren thought Darren was about to fall asleep, but out of nowhere, the hand that was slowly becoming loose pulled from her.

“Let’s dance. I love this song.” He was already up when he finished the phrase.

“ _Of course_ you would want to get up as soon as Jeff found David Bowie’s album.” Lauren rolled her eyes, and didn’t even attempt to fight it as _Dancing in the street_ was playing. Darren usually rolled his eyes at dancing in parties most times as well, but retro music from mid 80s was his weakness, whether sober or not.

“I’d come back from the dead if they played David Bowie.”

The mix of alcohol and his favorite music put Darren from cuddly to hyperactive in a matter of seconds. The amount of effort Lauren had to put into following his rhythm, with the swift turns and complicated hand grasps implicated on it, enabled her to forget the burden of the last issues in her mind –and this with her being a skilled dancer. She thought it was a thing of time before they ended up on the floor, since Darren had seemed to be having stability problems with only standing up, but as usual, he managed to do things right when they needed to be.

_John I’m only dancing_ was the last song she remembered dancing, before they announced almost simultaneously that they were too exhausted to go on.

Darren complained about being thirsty or something before finishing a glass of god-knows-what that was on the kitchen’s counter. Lauren served two glasses of water with ice, and gave him one before he’d dehydrate. He was sort of absent to remember to thank her, and she knew she shouldn’t seize it, but she did.

“Listen, I’m going home.”

Darren frowned. “Why? It’s still so early, don’t be a buzzkill…”

“Thanks for that sweet compliment, but I’m tired, and I have things to do tomorrow. You can still have fun without me.” She gave him a quick kiss, but the frown on his face didn’t disappear.

It was partly because of tiredness –the night had been exhausting, after all; but it was mostly because they had fun and were on good terms at the moment, but Darren had drank too much and Lauren too little to be a good combination. He’d want her to be in a mood she couldn’t even fake, and it’d only end up badly.

“Is this because of what happened at the beach, in New York? Did I do something wrong?”

_Don’t do this_ , Lauren wanted to say. Suddenly, she wished he was sober and could know when to shut up. “I already said it’s not your fault. I promise I won’t disappear again.” The words sounded harsher than what she intended them to be, so she added quickly, in a much more playful tone, “And try not to drink much more, okay? I won’t be here to put you in bed.”

Lauren gave him a grin and squeezed his hand before leaving him there, glass of water still in hand, a few drops spilling slowly into the floor. She should’ve left earlier, perhaps.

While getting to the door, Joe winked at her and mouthed something like _A fucking spectacle, right?_ without realizing she was walking her way out. She knew nobody was pointing any fingers at her, but her stomach was full of a rare feeling of guilt, like someone who turns their head around to avoid saying hello.

 

* * *

 

 

“Good luck cleaning this mess tomorrow,” Caroline said, as she finished getting dressed. “I don’t want to be here when that happens, so I’m leaving now.”

“I feel so used.” Joe joked, stretching his hand to grab a cigarette from the bedside table and lighting it.

“You’ll remember to call me when you get up, right?”

Caroline ran her hands through her short, red hair in an attempt to conceal that it wasn’t brushed.

“Sure.”

Joe put on his underwear and almost had to drag himself to the door, because he was starting to feel he could finally get to sleep. The ginger girl was the last person to leave the house. Jim was snoring inside of his room, and the party _per se_ had ended at least one hour and a half ago.

He’d go to the bathroom and then to sleep for a day nonstop.

A normal person would have jumped of fear when he opened his bathroom’s door, but this wasn’t a first for him.

“You know you don’t live here, right?”

Darren grumbled something unintelligible. He was sprawled on the floor, next to the toilet, back and head resting on the cold wall. He looked pale, sick and tired, but that was no first time neither.

Joe crouched in front of him, “You okay, man?”

“Yeah, I just thought I wanted to sleep, but I also wanted to throw up, and then I figured I couldn’t do both at the same time.”

“Charming. Leave something for the ladies.” Joe said, throwing his cigarette into the toilet. “Did you?”

Darren slowly shook his head, while the rest of his body didn’t move at all, like if it was lifeless. “The nausea comes and goes, but I couldn’t.”

“I’ll get you something.” Joe stood up. “Come on, you can sleep in my room.”

“I can just sleep on the couch.” Darren suggested, in a brief heroic moment, that finished when he mumbled out with a weak voice, “Or I can just… stay here.”

“And you get to watch me peeing, like it’s a gas station? Come on.” Darren stared at him without laughing, or moving at all. It took a while to get to Joe, “Oh, you can’t even get up, can you?”

“I could… like in two hours.”

Joe laughed, and then commented, stressed, “You know, it’s just not funny if there’s no one else in here to see this. Rockstar Darren Criss can’t even handle his own vomit, gets carried around like a three year old. I can see the headline already.”

“You’re going to hell,” Darren cried, although he grinned for a quick moment, while Joe helped him getting up and practically had to carry him to his bed.

“Maybe, but at least I’m still a walking, biped human being. You’re _a mess_.”

“Trust me, _I know_.” Darren mumbled, his face already buried into the pillow and eyes almost closed.

“Does your girlfriend know you always end up like this? I don’t see the princess doing all the dirty work.” Joe complained, walking to his wardrobe and grabbing a spare blanket, now that he was going to have to take the couch. His tone had a tad of playfulness and other things.

Darren shook his head two times.

“You’re lucky to have me,” Joe said, walking to the door.

Darren sensed he was falling asleep already.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WhateverIdon'tknowwhatI'mdoing.   
> It's getting hard to get the time and stability to write, so like usual, reviews and likes and all that jazz is VERY appreciated and helps me to keep going, especially now that it's a very hard time for me. I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts... Thank you!


	24. Vendetta

**Chapter 24: Vendetta**

Most people would kill to have Lauren Lopez’s life. You just needed to take a quick look at her teenage years’ bedroom, to the walls covered in curricular and extra-curricular activities’ diplomas, to realize that she was the perfect girl of a perfect family. A house that occupied half the block, straight As in her report card, a birthday party with attendance of the hundred people with most influence in Michigan’s area.

Now, her newest achievement, according to the social media that she attempted to avoid so badly: a famous, handsome music star in rise. _I’ve heard she didn’t even like him before he had gotten suddenly like a celebrity_ , Rachel had once read out loud from her phone, absolutely amused. _It’s all true_ , Lauren told her dramatically, _that’s literally the only reason I’m involved._

“My darling, you look absolutely stunning.” Wes, Lauren’s uncle, said before wrapping his arms around her in a hug. “I can’t believe you’ve grown so much. Happy birthday.”

“Don’t say it yet, it’s bad luck.” Lauren replied sweetly. “It’s just a party, it’s not a big deal to me.”

“Well, it matters _to me_ because I don’t get to see you, ever, whether birthday or not!” The old man complained.

“I gotta agree with that.” Her mother’s figure appeared through the door of her room, smiling subtly. “The compliment, I mean. That color really suits you. You look so graceful and delicate.”

Lauren was wearing a long, princess-cut champagne dress made of silk, contoured by straps and back neckline of a flowered lace of the same color; with high-heeled shoes that matched. The delicate tone highlighted a contrast with the color of her skin, which she didn’t think would work, but did. Her hair was fixed in an upside down French braid that finished in an elegant bun, that way showing the new white earrings and a moon necklace her mother gave her as a gift –she didn’t want to accept them, because she didn’t feel that it was her birthday, but Kate insisted enough to do anything against it.

Her uncle walked to the door again.

“Don’t take too long to come down, okay?” He asked. “I’ll see you there.”

“Just a minute.” Lauren said, checking at herself in the mirror for a last time. “Did my father say if he was coming?” She asked to her mother once the man was gone.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, no.” Kate stood up behind her, looking at her through the reflection in the glass.

Lauren sounded emotionless when she asked, “You didn’t even invite him, did you?”

Kate gulped and took a moment before replying.

“I didn’t want you to get your hopes up. You know how busy he is. It was for our best. Your best.”

“He’d have come if you told him.” Lauren replied firmly.

“Lauren…”

She looked down to avoid Kate’s eyes. She knew that excuse was utter crap, and it did hurt her, but she didn’t bother trying to take out a discussion with such a delicate subject right then. It had never been about her anyway.

“So, how are you dealing with the stressful management of the event?” Lauren’s gaze didn’t dare come up again.

“It’s quite calm this year. People are so tired whatsoever, they don’t have the guts to have standards. Which eases everything for me. But they do want to see you.”

Wes knocked on the opened door of the room, but didn’t walk in, “I’m sorry to disturb again, but there’s a young man that claims he needs to escort you downstairs. Am I wrong?”

“Talking about standards.” Kate whispered, throwing the care of the last conversation out to trash.

“Mom.” Lauren warned. “Let him in, uncle. It’s all right.”

Darren walked in afterwards, and the girl became so stunned from something she saw on him that she couldn’t control her expression. Her eyes widened yet at the same time she was almost frowning, and her jaw tensed. The shock was so big she didn’t realize she should be the one introducing the two people, which practically obligated Darren to talk first.

“Mrs. Huddington. Pleasure to finally meet you,” he said politely, stretching out a hand.

“So do I.” Kate answered, shaking his hand, almost in the same satiric, polite tone they both used but only Lauren was aware of.

“I’m sorry –mother, this is Darren. Darren Criss.” Lauren finally reacted to talk, but she remained there, still, behind them. She could not stop staring at him, she could not believe it was real.

“I’ll see you two downstairs. You should come right away, they’re waiting for you.” Kate said as she walked away.

“Sure, we’ll be there in a second.” Darren replied, despite being aware that nobody was talking to him. He walked to Lauren and snapped his fingers in front of her face, “Come on, snap out of it.  You got a crowd waiting for you there.”

Lauren shook her head. “You –you cut your hair.”

“How observant of you,” Darren nodded, sarcastic and entertained. “I thought you wouldn’t notice.”

“How could I not notice!” Lauren was too shocked to catch the humor. Sure, she prepared herself to see a different version of Darren, with a suit, perfectly shaved and all, but she didn’t see _this_ coming. “I can’t believe you cut your hair.”

She couldn’t stop saying it, and she couldn’t stop staring at it. The afro had been such a trademark for him, and it was strange watching him without it. Now the length wasn’t enough to form curls and instead it was combed into a hairstyle, though still messy and a bit wild, very different from what she was used to see.

“Okay, we’ve stated that I cut my hair, but my intention was to make myself more discreet, and that’s not what is happening.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I actually love it. You look like an Italian supermodel or something. It’s just so different, I’m starstruck.” Lauren said. Once her mind had gotten used to it, she realized that it made him much more attractive, in a more mature way. It definitely made him more suitable to introduce him into that party.

She ran her fingers through his hair, and they slid swiftly. Then she shook her head and said sweetly, “Oh, your friends are going to kill me for this.”

“ _That_ I can’t avoid.” Darren replied. His hands slid through her waist, to the low neckline in the back, and he breathed slowly into a much more serious expression, “You look breathtakingly beautiful, by the way. I mean, much more than what you usually do... Like if you just walked out of that Bisson’s replica in your lobby.”

Lauren winced, “It’s not a replica, but thank you.”

“You look like if you just walked out of that expensive Bisson’s painting I probably shouldn’t have touched in your lobby.”

Lauren laughed, her head falling onto Darren’s shoulder.

“Ready to go downstairs?” He asked.

She nodded. She was resigned to it since the start, “Are _you_ ready?”

“Please. Always,” He joked, offering his arm.

She gently held it with both hands, and allowed him to guide her to the hall. Her cousin Cassandra was playing the grand piano in the corner of the room, and she delighted them with the subdued notes of Fauré’s _Sicilienne_ when she entered in.

Nearly a dozen of people gave the girl their congratulations as she passed them by, stopping for their shake of hands and brief conversation. A few of them asked about his father, to which she answered that his work couldn’t allow him to get that night free like if she had rehearsed it.

“What’s up with him? Works on all of your birthday parties?” Darren asked, once they’ve walked to their table, in the center of the hall. The thirteen seats left started to get taken by the people, which were engaged on different chats all over the hall and the garden that you could see in the back, through the principal back door wide opened. The room appeared to be lightened in all golden, though the decoration was simple, but the excessive use of chandeliers and lights all over made it seem like if they were supposed to match Lauren’s dress. It was elegant to the point of arrogance, but Darren had prepared himself to overlook all of it.

“No, but my mother wants to avoid to be in the same table, room or city as him, so I use a chorus and nobody has to go to therapy to discuss it.” Lauren explained in a low voice.  

 “Doesn’t that bother you? I mean, you should be the one that gets to decide who comes to your own birthday.” Darren first moved his hand subtly towards the aperitif, but then realized that it was caviar, so he just grabbed his empty cup and ran his fingers through the contour.

“It’s just a party.” Lauren shook her head, “It’s one night every year and keeps… the lands in peace. I can stand it.”

“So, do we wait for dessert before we choose a virgin for the rite of spring, or…?”

“Shut up, I know my family. This works.” She told him before focusing on the aperitifs.

A waiter approached them and asked Lauren what they’d be having to drink. Lauren shrugged and would’ve told him to ask her mother, if her mouth wasn’t full; meanwhile, the eyes of the man went instead to Darren and he did the same.

“I’ll have what everyone else is having.” He just said. That was the easier way to make sure he’d keep the rest of the table content.

Lauren’s mother Kate was sitting across the table, yet she had been paying enough attention to barge in the conversation, interrupting though with an extremely polite tone.

“You should do the honors and select a wine for us. I’m so used to my old Pinot noir that our  cellar’s been gathering dust for ages now.” Then Kate looked at the waiter, “Can we do a blind tasting, Roger? It’ll be perfect to get to know the mystery that the young Criss is to us all.”

“Of course, madam.” The man assured quickly.

“Mother.” Lauren’s warning became a comment as she added, “That’s not necessary.”

Darren smiled subtly, “It’ll be a pleasure to attend that responsibility, Mrs. Huddington. Of course I will.”

Lauren looked at him, trying to read his intentions when he decided to follow her mother’s game. She knew Darren’s deal and she was trying to get him to embarrass himself in her ways, but accepting it wouldn’t make her like him.

“Excellent.” The woman seemed to have grown two inches only from hearing him accepting the offer. “Roger, you know our wine cellar like the palm of your hand, the choices are up to your judgment.”

Roger came back with the trolley within less than ten minutes. The six bottles of his choice were placed, unlabeled, next to each other; there were six empty cups and a decently sized spittoon at their reach. Lauren tried to hide her anxiety and discomfort by starting a chat with her uncle Wes and his wife, sitting next to her, so she could place the center of attention somewhere else, but everyone seemed too interested into the challenging tasting to keep the conversation alive, and the table quickly turned into a deep silence as Darren was handed the first glass.

It made her even more anxious to notice he was doing everything incredibly slowly, which is understandable only when you have no idea what to do. But at least he managed to do the swirl, smell and sip thing right. Her right feet started to twitch nervously at the end of her crossed legs.

Lauren didn’t keep count of time but the thing seemed endless, like if Darren wanted to show off a skill he didn’t possessed, testing the savor in his mouth even after the wine had been long gone of there.

If his friends saw him right there, with short hair, in a suit, spitting wine into the vessel like a professional, they probably wouldn’t recognize him, and would instead feel a strong urge to punch him in the face. It was surreal for even her to do so.

“So?” Kate finally asked, subtly defiant, since it seemed he would not talk unless someone asked him to.

Still, Darren seemed to ponder for a while more before answering. Lauren bit her cheek.

“I’d say we start with the second choice, the Sonoma Chardonnay, since it fits well with the amazing lobster I heard this service does.” He gave a complimenting look to the waiter, “I’m sort of giving a shot in the air in here, but I think the last glass was a young, red Merlot? Anyway, I think that’ll be fine for the dessert and after-meal.”

Lauren had never seen her mother struggle so much to put a smile and give a polite reply.

She turned to Darren.

“I swear to god that there are times when I have no idea who you are.” Lauren whispered, too entertained and amused for it to be gracious.

Lauren’s uncle and his wife were the ones they talked with the most during the dinner. The rest of the table was very entertained with different conversations, since they all knew each other because they were family or intimate friends of the family. Her uncle Wes found absolutely fascinating the fact that Darren was a musician, and would not stop asking all different types of questions about his career, finding strange he would not attend to a university with a music major. _There were greater things for me in Michigan_ , he said captivatingly and looked at Lauren, and she smiled back despite she knew it was a set-up reply –studying music professionally would completely ruin Darren’s passion for it, and that was it. Then he congratulated his drinking choice past mid of dinner time, and asked where did he learn so much about wines.

“My parents were big fans. I’m from California, which I guess explains it.” Darren clarified. He managed to say and act not only appropriately, but charmingly, yet keeping a hint of his usual wit and bold attitude.

“I happen to know quite a few people in California. What are your parent’s names?”

Darren grinned and shrugged slightly. “Oh, you won’t know them, they’re not the type of couple that goes out a lot.”

“He likes to keep the mystery, doesn’t he?” Wes gave a subtle look to her, and Lauren laughed because she guessed she was supposed to.

Darren forced a laugh as well before adding, “Actually, it’s more of a…”

Darren didn’t seem to notice he stopped talking when his eyes zoned out somewhere past the table. His expression froze for a moment, and Lauren understood the reason after following the direction of his eyes.

There was a blond young man they were pretty familiarized with, that had walked into the hall, to their table, and went first to introduce himself to Kate.

Darren looked at Lauren with eyes that said enough.

“I didn’t know he was coming. I had no idea.”

“You had no idea? How could you not know?” Darren had to put the entire willpower he possessed into lowering his voice. He seemed about to convulse, his hands tightening onto the sides of the seat.

“I didn’t take care of the guests list, I –” Lauren stopped whispering after realizing Michael Perkins was walking to her. The guy put a hand on her shoulder, and Lauren knew she should’ve stood up to give a proper greeting, but it didn’t come to her senses.

“Happy birthday. I’m so sorry I’m late, hopefully this will make it up to you.”

He handed her a small package enveloped in a greyish white paper. She grabbed it, looked at him and forced a smile. Michael’s hand was still on his shoulder.

“Thanks.”

Darren looked extremely tense, but he was turned towards the other side to avoid looking at Michael or to have to acknowledge his presence, but his hand was pressing tightly his glass.

“I hope you have a great night. See you around.” He said, finally pulling his hand away. He looked at Darren and added briefly before leaving, “Always good to see you, Criss.”

If it wasn’t because Darren’s lips bent slightly for a moment, it’d seem he didn’t hear him. Michael walked towards one of the other tables, but he didn’t call that much of attention since the people that had finished dinner were standing up as well, lighting their cigars, giving walks and chatting.

“Excuse me,” Darren abruptly said before standing up. He walked to the opposite side of the room and disappeared behind a door.

Lauren heard Kate’s voice asking as she stood up too, “Is everything alright over there, dear?”

She nodded, but felt dizzy while doing so. She did not think her mother would be capable of inviting Michael as another card of her game. Then she reminded herself that the woman didn’t know the whole story, so even if she did so, it wasn’t out of cruelty.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Darren was already smoking, like whenever he was upset. Lauren had found him in the lobby, next to that Bisson’s painting of a girl in a garden, looking out through the opened window. “I’m not in charge of the list is not an explanation.”

“I have no clue, Darren. I swear I didn’t know this.” Lauren suddenly wished to not be wearing that dress and those shoes that made so difficult walking long distances, since getting near him took a while. “I was just as shocked as you.”

Darren shook his head, looking out the window. He smoked from his cigar and then looked at her.

“But you’re not going to kick him out, aren’t you?” His tone was calmer, but that wasn’t necessarily good.

“I can’t do that.” Lauren said firmly.

“You know I’m capable of standing everything else. But not this. Not him.”

He’d do it in the blink of an eye if it the situation was the other way around.

He gave one step towards her and held her gaze, and his voice was different when he added, “Please, I would not ask this if it wasn’t important.”

He couldn’t go back there and pretend that he didn’t care. He could overlook the annoying decoration, the snobbish comments and the caviar, he could even ignore that everyone was waiting for him to fuck it up, but he couldn’t ignore that the reason of Rick being killed was in the same room as him.

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” Lauren felt a pressure in her chest when she said it. But she couldn’t risk it. She had made a deal with her mother and she had to play cool to maintain it.

Darren looked so disappointed that it hurt.

“Then I’ll gave to be the one to leave,” He announced calmly. He took a whiff of smoke before walking out, like if he was waiting for her to stop him.

She didn’t.

 

~

 

“Lauren, dear, where’s your boyfriend?” Wes asked, seeming both excited and disappointed. Her mother had arranged fireworks for midnight, but they were not very visible from their perspective from the back yard of the house. _Let’s go to the sidewalk_ , someone said and people rushed to walk outside before the spectacle ended. “He disappeared just when I was getting to know him!”

Lauren stared at the fireworks up them so she wouldn’t have to look at him.

“He had an inconvenience and had to leave, I’m sorry.”

“Such a pity, but that’s how artists’ are, I guess. I happen to need coverage for an event in my hotel this Wednesday. You should give him my number and tell him to give me a call.”

“Sure.” Lauren replied, though she wasn’t really listening. “I will.”

The fireworks ended, and everyone started to walk inside for the next round of wine before the toast. A red-haired, 40-something years old woman she wasn’t sure she had seen before in her life, touched her arm and said sweetly:

“Lovely dinner, gorgeous, but I’m afraid I have to leave before the toast. I have to wake up my kids early in the morning. Happy birthday.”

“Thank you, that’s no problem.” Lauren smiled as the woman walked past her and got inside of her car.

She waited until everyone else was inside, trying to catch some air before continuing. The night was becoming longer than what she ever expected it to be.

She closed her eyes for only ten seconds, wishing the night in her neighborhood was quieter. There was a motor engine in the distance, and another party –she supposed- a few blocks away. Wishing to be somewhere else was only making her feel worse, so she opened them again.

The loud engine sounded ridiculously close, and as soon as she turned her head to find the origin of it, she had to step backwards to not get crushed by a motorbike that was crossing the sidewalk at full speed.

The rider wouldn’t seem disposed to slow down, whether crushing on her or not. When he passed next to her, he violently stretched out a hand that was too skilled for her to stop. Lauren thought he’d drag her neck, which he almost did, but his cold hand became a fist around her necklace instead. She gasped when he continued moving forwards, pulling from it until it broke. She instinctively put a hand in the place where he hurt her, and looked at the thief getting to the other side of the block, when he did something a thief wouldn’t have done: he threw her necklace around the block, in the street, and then continued going straight.

“What the…?” Lauren didn’t get it, but the situation was so strange that she didn’t think it through before going to pick up her necklace. She probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t her mother’s gift, but this was the first night she wore it, and it wasn’t worth to lose it because she didn’t want to walk for twenty seconds.

She only realized the danger she had put herself on when she bent over to grab the little shining object from the floor. She was only a few feet away from her own house, yet it was late and there was nobody in the street, except for those two motorbikes that had appeared out of nowhere (except that they couldn’t literally have come out of nowhere, and had to be waiting for her to do exactly what she did), behind her, and skillfully stopped, placing themselves in a way that let her know it wasn’t smart to try to cross through. They were forbidding her to go back home.

She didn’t recognize their faces, but she didn’t need to.

Lauren turned around and remembered during the first ten steps that it was impossible to run in that dress or shoes, but that wasn’t going to stop her from trying. That’d be better than to remain paralyzed, like she sensed she was about to. A third motorbike rider, the one that had stolen her necklace, had turned around the block and appeared in front of her, while the two behind her were slowly following her, like if the idea of chasing her was nothing but entertaining. She couldn’t think of anything except _run, run, run_ , it didn’t matter how or where to.

It took them only twenty seconds to corner her against a payphone booth. She groped for the doorknob and closed the glass door with a loud slam, which would hopefully get the attention if there was someone near. There needed to be.

She didn’t have money on to make a call home, but she knew emergency lines were free, and attempted to ignore the movement behind her as she pressed nine, then one, and…

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” A voice said, as a hand grabbed her wrist and twisted it behind her head, hurting her.

_God, no. This couldn’t be happening._

“No,” Lauren cried. “What do you want?”

“Nothing,” A second voice explained, entering inside of the booth as well, “There’s nothing you can give to us, princess. We’re doing our thing, and you’ll do the same by cooperating.”

“No,” She didn’t know what was happening, but she knew she didn’t want it. “People will look for me, if I don’t go back.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll give you back alive and well.” The guy trapping her assured, his voice calm, and perforce intimate, like if they were close friends that hadn’t seen  each other in a long time. “Almost.”

 

~

 

“You’ve come to the wrong person to ask about etiquette, man. I don’t know.” Joe had paid attention to the story before Darren rambled into the _do you think it was wrong that I- do you think she’ll be upset if-,_ so now he was doing fried eggs, careful not to get too close since he was shirtless and he had enough marks of boiling oil. “I know I would’ve punched Perkins in the face if he showed up in the birthday party of someone I care about. That would be the best gift. But whatever.”

“I can’t believe she wouldn’t do anything about it.”

Darren sighed and Joe didn’t say anything else, which was probably for the better.

“Oh, shit, shit shit!” Joe cried, shaking a loose hand, when a bit of oil splattered on his naked belly.

Darren’s phone rang on the table.

Joe rolled his eyes and stopped whispering _shit_. He didn’t even need to glance at the screen to say sarcastically, “Wow, I wonder who that is.”

Darren took a moment to breathe deeply before picking up. It was the least appropriate moment for someone to call him for a chat. He didn’t recognize the number, and was even more stunned when he was informed it was a collect call, but he accepted it out of curiosity.

“Yeah?” The heavy breathing at the other side of the line was a bit worrying. “Who is this?”

The answer was delayed.

“Darren…it’s me. I –I was attacked.”

“What?” He stood up as a reflex, but he didn’t know what he could do. “What happened? Who was it?”

“Three bikers. I’m in the payphone two blocks from home, and can’t come out. I think they’re gone, but –”

“I’ll be there right away. Don’t move.”

Joe did turn around this time, concerned about the sudden pallor of his friend’s expression. “What happened?”

Darren was opening the door when he looked at Joe and replied quietly, “I don’t know.”

He didn’t recall to have ridden a bike as fast as he did that night. He’d remember the fear even years later from that moment, like a tightening rope that wanted to turn his guts filled with wine inside out, and drag him through the street. He’d never stop being trapped in his longest minute; guilty for abandonment, guilty for being too slow, guilty for caring about the wrong things in the wrong moment.

The sound of the brakes echoed for a few seconds after he hit them. He remembered wanting to call Lauren’s name, but he didn’t remember doing it.

Instead, he sort of stumbled into her, while he was trying to get inside of the booth and she was trying to come out.

“Are you okay? What happened?” Darren’s questions kind of ran into each other while coming out along harsh breathes, but his hands still managed to hold her arms.

“I’m okay, I think.” Lauren replied, getting her hands under his jacket and pulling him closer. The shock was more emotional than physical, but she couldn’t explain where did that urge for contact come from. “They tricked me into following them, and I couldn’t run and –I didn’t know what they wanted.”

 “What was it? What did they –?” His question was clarified once he was able to look at her after the first impression. There were red marks on the skin of her neck, shoulder and arms consequent of the resistance (though nothing to seriously worry about), one of the straps and a small part of the dress had been ripped off – so she kept holding it with a hand under her armpit, but most evidently, there was a word written in a red ink, though untidy, still readable.

_Vendetta._

Darren gulped and convinced himself that he wasn’t going to throw up.

“What else did they do to you?”

Lauren shook her head. “Nothing. They only said it was a message for…” She made a pause before finishing, “for you.”

She thought she wouldn’t be capable of talking, but seeing and touching him made her completely conscious that the horrible moment was over. She didn’t feel in danger anymore, and her body started to feel as comforted as walking into a warm home after a storm, blood beginning to heat fingertips and the uncontrollable need to take off humid shoes.

“They didn’t –They didn’t –” Darren delicately placed a hand on the mark that was becoming purple in the curve of her neck. Words were hazy inside.

“No, I’m fine. That was all.” Lauren frowned after realizing how that hand was cold and trembling over her skin. “Darren, you’re shaking.” Only then she realized that he looked pale and sick. “What’s wrong?”

Darren ran both of his hands through his hair, a gesture that was still obvious despite there wasn’t much hair to mess with.

“I thought… I thought they would –”

“Look at me, I’m fine.” Lauren assured, resting her face on his chest and pulling him in a hug. “It was just a scare.”

Darren intertwined his fingers in her hair, and let his hand rest there. It would not remain completely still, but Lauren didn’t say a thing. The feeling of another breathing against his chest did calm him.

It wasn’t enough.  

 

 ~

 

“They’re mocking us. That’s what they’re doing.” Darren explained, though his voice was monotone to the point that it seemed serene, they knew him too well to realize that this only meant he was dulling everything inside for the sake of the situation. “They don’t think we’re serious, so they keep playing with us.”

Darren had been resting his back against the wall for a while now. His hands were turned into fists inside of his pockets to hide the quivering that would not want to stop.

Brian looked at Lauren through the opened door of Darren’s room. She was sitting on his bed, still in her golden dress, with Darren’s jacket on partly covering the red letters across her chest, and a cup of tea in hands that Rachel had made before sitting beside the girl to make her company.

“It’s all right if they mess with me. But this…”

Joe merely put a hand on Darren’s shoulder as a sign of support. He didn’t finish the phrase.

“So what now?” Brian asked. They were talking quietly to keep Lauren from hearing and upsetting her more.

Darren looked at Joe, tacitly passing the voice of command.

“We prove them we’re not.” He explained. “We go to New York for the second part of our plan, and we make a little… visit. To our old friends.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow.” Joe continued. “We can’t give them more time to fool around. But we need to be very discreet this time, so it’s going to be just the two of us.”

Brian barely had time to nod before a firm voice interrupted, much louder than their previous conversation.

“And me.” Lauren crossed the door, revealing she had been hearing them still. “I’m sorry to ruin your date, but I’m going too.”

“Are you serious?” Joe raised an eyebrow in disbelief, like if he didn’t consider she was in the age to join the grown-ups conversation yet.

“I’m trying to keep you as safe and less involved as possible. If you noticed,” Darren told her.

“I know. But if I wasn’t involved before, I am now.” Lauren quickly replied, like if she had it figured out for days.

Brian cleared his throat before saying, almost like a suggestion, “I don’t think you’re aware of how dangerous this situation is –”

“I’m the one who got attacked by three people today at the corner of my house; I think I’m pretty aware of the situation, Brian.” Lauren’s voice cut the air like a knife, and the tension following turned into an expectance of eyes focusing on Darren.

He simply shrugged, like if there was nothing to clear, “Questions?”

“Um, yeah. I do have a question.” Brian said, confused. “What’s up with your hair?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't re-read as much as I'd like to, so I apologize as I'm not really sure about what I just posted. I'm less sure about what I posted than what I usually am.   
> I'm incredibly grateful for the people that have reviewed and liked the story, please keep doing it, you have no idea how much it helps me to keep going.  
> Thank you for reading <3


	25. Crossed sin

**Chapter 25: Crossed sin**

“Hey, can I ask what on earth are you doing at ten in the morning on a Sunday?” Caroline started making herself a coffee when Lauren walked out of the bathroom.

Lauren held a fake grin before replying, “I’ll have to be out all day, sorry.”

She didn’t have mental energy to make up an excuse. It had been enough to answer Kate’s call while she was in Darren’s apartment asking where _the fuck_ she was since they were about to do the toast in her honor but without her, and Lauren could not believe that her mother was actually cursing, so along the thousand times she apologized, she made up a complete implausible story about feeling suddenly sick and going to a hospital, which still didn’t make sense because nobody flees from their birthday without telling anyone whatsoever.

“Where are you going? With…Darren, I guess?”

_And your cheating boyfriend, to be precise._

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” She walked to her room, and sat on the bed to put on her shoes.

“You’ve been acting so weird lately.” Caroline said, resting a side of her body against the fridge while she looked at her, confused, arms crossed over her chest.

_Anyone would’ve acted weird in my situation_ , she thought but decided to answer “I’m just stressed, that’s all.”

Caroline didn’t buy that excuse anymore.

She sighed and then asked, almost like if she knew that she wasn’t going to get an honest answer, “Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Lauren’s _no_ didn’t make it to the air. Instead, she stood up and said calmly, walking to the red-haired girl. There were so many things going on in her head, but there was a priority regarding her best friend.

“Actually, yes, there is. It’s about Joe.”

Caroline’s shoulders and neck tensed visibly, her eyes dancing nervously; but she held back whatever she wanted to say.

“You need to break up with him.”

“This again, Lauren? Seriously?” Caroline turned around to pour the coffee in a cup, resting importance to the matter. It was the same old fight as always.

“But I’m serious this time, Caroline, it’s not just some bad vibe I’m making up.” Lauren insisted, walking one step closer to the girl, that continued pouring sugar in her drink, evidently ignoring her and clearly upset.

“Give me one feasible reason to say that. _One_.” She looked at her. “Because, honestly, Lauren, he’s been nothing but wonderful to me, yet you seem purposeful to take that away.”

Lauren hadn’t felt so cruel and frustrated at the same time.

“He’s keeping things from you that are harmful, which proves he doesn’t really care about you. I’m telling you this to protect you because it’s unfair for you, and I wouldn’t like to see you get hurt. You deserve so much better.” Her voice continued rising and showing tinge of things she couldn’t filtrate anymore.

Caroline raised her eyebrows, though she placed a hand on the counter almost in a slap. “And your proof is…?”

Lauren sighed. She knew that question was coming. “I just know it.”

“You just… know it. Right. Like usual.” Caroline rolled her eyes. She had heard enough of those pretexts, “You don’t have one because there isn’t any. And, sincerely, all those things you’re bashing Joe so much for, are literally the same flaws Darren has and so what? You haven’t broken up with him for being the way he is, you don’t complain not once about him. It just seems to me that you think you’re the only one that can get someone like that and get away with it.”

“That’s not true, and with Darren things are completely different.” Lauren was starting to feel the anger gaining strength inside of her chest, and it was more and more difficult to remain calm. It wasn’t about jealousy at all, it could never be. She had good intentions to be hearing such accusations.

“Why is it? Because now you’re upset that I stole your spotlight?”

Caroline had never talked to her like that. Lauren couldn’t believe it.

“I’m not upset over such thing! That is ridiculous! And it’s different because Darren and I _do_ know each other, Caroline. You, otherwise, don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” She knew that was the phrase she hated when it was directed to her, but she couldn’t find a way to tell her without exposing the whole situation. Why was it so hard to put the voice of the best friend for three years over some random guy she was crushing on?

“Oh, yeah?” Caroline’s eyes seemed in fire. Lauren had seen those eyes before, directed to drunk perverts in bars and to her father when he forgot her birthday, but never to her until that moment. “If you are so honest to each other, I’m guessing you told him everything about you, including about what you did to that group in first year.”

Lauren almost looked behind to check if there was a knife stabbed on her back or something. “That’s so behind in history…” She couldn’t add another argument for that allegation, so she continued after a brief pause, “We know each other the way we are _now_ , and that’s enough. You’ve known Joe for nearly a month, and trust me, I know he’s going to hurt you.”

“And you know everything, right? Did you know that it’s so obvious you hate when somebody doesn’t do what you want, like now? Why do you have to be such a control freak? And why do you need the whole attention every single –”

_“He’s cheating on you, Caroline!”_

It slipped from her mouth almost without consent.

Lauren’s scream cut the air like a knife, provoking a horrifying silence, and Caroline’s hurt expression sink in before she could fight that back. The horn of Darren’s bike sounded distantly from the sidewalk, but they ignored it completely.

“With whom?” She asked lowly, almost out of breath.

Lauren’s voice was thin now, “I can’t tell you.”

Caroline’s lips tensed.

“How do you know?”

“I can’t –”

“I imagined.” The girl interrupted her. “This is pathetic, Lauren, you’re just embarrassing yourself. Does it bother you so much to see me happy that you have to make up this bullshit?”

Lauren shook her head, but Caroline was already walking to her room with the cup of coffee, probably cold, in her hands. She seemed suddenly exhausted and resigned, and Lauren wondered if she might’ve looked like that for a while, but she never paid enough attention to notice.

“I can’t give away the details, but trust me, I know it’s true. You have to believe me.” She was almost begging.

Caroline looked at her from the inside of her room. “I’m not sure I can keep doing this, Lauren. You know, I’ve put up with you so much all these years, trying to convince you to let go a bit, let myself be dragged back over and over when you didn’t listen. But the only thing you’re doing is to pull me down. It has to end. And if you won’t, I will.”

She closed the door with a slam, and Lauren didn’t know what to do or say. She couldn’t cling to one thought for long enough to analyze it, and the only thing that snapped her brain out of that trance was the sound of the horn of Darren’s bike again. She drank a glass of water before walking out.

“I was beginning to think you fell asleep.” He said while she climbed behind him.

Lauren didn’t reply.

“You all right?”

“Yeah.” She finally answered, while they moved away from the campus. “Caroline and I had a fight.”

“You two always fight.” Darren observed.

“Not like this.” She cleared.

Darren mumbled, “Uh. What did you argue about?”

Lauren kind of didn’t want to hear his response, but she still said, “Joe.”

But Darren merely commented after a while, “You have to let that go, Lo. You can’t let it embitter you forever. I know I’m not one to talk, but…”

“By the way,” Lauren cut off, knowing it didn’t sound spontaneous, but she didn’t want to hear anything about that anymore, “my uncle is obsessed with you. He wants to know if you can play a gig at his casino-hotel, Battle Creek, this Wednesday. He won’t leave us alone until you do.”

“Battle Creek, huh? Sounds like a big thing.”

“Bigger than Hard Rock Café, you bet. He’s got a whole of contacts, so if he sets his mind on you, you’ll get many offers.” Lauren explained. He had offered to her plenty of times jobs in theaters and shows in California, but she wanted the merit to be her own so she had rejected them over and over. “If you’re interested.”

“I think I am.” Darren replied. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He wanted to keep playing music, but since the settings of his success were in Los Angeles, he had been sort of M.I.A. that year. That could be his chance. On the other hand, he didn’t know what to think of Lauren’s family being the way to climb to the top. “Sure, let’s give it a shot.”

They ran into Joe during the first hour of the trip. Darren honked and speeded up to outstrip him, then Joe surpassed him, and Lauren had to limit herself to grumble lowly to avoid the conversation she averted before. Joe always brought that side of Darren she sometimes liked to pretend didn’t exist.

They stopped to get gasoline and for a sandwich and a coffee in a gas station. Lauren went to the bathroom, and when she came back the boys were having a conversation about motorbikes she couldn’t interrupt even if she wanted to.

It was only after they finished chatting, and were focused in their coffee that she was able to talk.

“So, who’s going to talk when we get to the NYT meeting?”

“I was thinking you and me.” Darren said, and then he looked particularly to Joe to explain, “We’re more experienced with the whole snobbish chit-chat thing, that’s why I thought…”

“Fine by me,” Joe shrugged, “I have no interest to talk with a journalist that pays his debts writing articles called _Why you will marry the wrong person_.”

Lauren _almost_ laughed before replying, “It’s the best paper in the United States.”

“My point exactly.” Joe answered, while Darren lit a cigar beside him.

“And they gave us a meeting even despite we called in the middle of the night.”

“Yeah, because you say Perkins and they hear cashing machines in their heads. Don’t take that personally.”

The day was cloudy when they got to their meeting in the astonishing building of the New York Times. If they hadn’t checked the hour before entering, they’d have thought it was dusk and they had arrived way too late.

The feeling of not belonging was overwhelming even for Lauren. She was wearing jeans and a light jacket, and of course Darren wouldn’t wear much else besides jeans and his leather jacket; while everyone surrounding them was trapped in the same shade of color suit. Women wore neat, flawless buns in their heads, and men smelled to recent shaving oil.

Luckily, the interview went pretty well –better than what they expected. The journalist attending them had written the previous article about the expulsion of Michael and his group, and had known them beforehand. _Everyone knows them around here_ , he said tightening his lips dark from nicotine, _and they’re quite loathsome, if you ask me_. He seemed to want to say more, but he realized that it wasn’t the place. Darren knew that you either worshipped them or wanted them dead, having your sensible reasons for either one.

This plus point disengaged them from extenuating questions about where they got that information from. He copied the pictures of the gang during their famous/infamous parties where you could see them consuming and providing substances, hooking up with several young girls and, overall, doing stuff out of their minds. In every photograph they’ve chosen you could clearly see the deplorable state they were in, like dead behind the eyes; one in which nobody was used to see them. They didn’t go into the street without looking like a pair out of a mafia movie, but this proved they had nothing respectable on them. It was worth gold.

Lauren put the pen-drive safely in the inside pocket in her jacket, and they shook hands with the journalist before walking out. It was raining, and this time it was genuinely dusk. Joe stepped on his cigar when he saw them turning around the block.

The storm only got worse, and they were wet by the time they parked on the sidewalk of Perkins’ house.

Their plan: to break inside of the house while there was nobody in, leave a clear message with red paint ( _It looks like blood… I know it’s not. But trust me, it’ll look amazing,_ Brian had suggested) to make them know they were responsible of everything and that they had the worst coming. That was all.

“I should’ve brought a change of clothes instead of this stupid paint and these stupid sunglasses. Why did you let me bring them?” Joe complained, climbing off the bike, and grabbing the bag with the pail of paint, a torch and a paintbrush out of the trunk.

“If I had to stop every bad decision of yours, we probably wouldn’t be here.” Darren observed.

“Are you sure Michael’s not here?” Lauren asked, while the boys started heading to the entrance.

“Pretty sure.” Joe said. “Jeff informed us they were meeting at someone else’s place tonight.”

“How come Jeff always knows everything, huh?”

Joe and Darren shared a look, and Lauren rolled her eyes, knowing she wasn’t going to get an answer. At least not an honest one.

“We’ll still be careful.” Darren said. “If we hear someone’s around, we’ll leave and that’s it.”

“Wait here.” Joe warned. He got nearer to the front gate and stuck his head between the bars. “I’d say it’s empty. The doors are closed and I can’t see a light on, besides the ones in the garden.”

“Let’s still climb the side gate.” Lauren suggested. “It’s just not smart do it here. Some neighbor could see us.”

Joe climbed the gate twice his height first, dauntless and skillfully. Though it seemed incredibly easy for him, Lauren became suddenly afraid of being incapable to do it and embarrass herself. Darren then shined up as well, and balancing on the top of the gate, he looked at her and said, like if he had read her thoughts:

“Come on, I’ll help you.”

She nodded while walking a few steps to get near, then placed her hands on the closest horizontal pole and jumped while putting her weight into her arms to get higher. She got to set a foot on that pole –which was good- when she realized it was physically impossible to place the other one at the same level. She was too short and didn’t have the extreme acrobatic skills required. Darren stretched a hand to her, and she had no option but to hold his arm and use it as a support to stand on both of her feet again. The wind hit her face, messing with her hair and blocking her view when she got to the top. The way down was easier, and they both landed with no help.

It was good luck that nobody had slipped on the wet gate and broke their necks, so she didn’t complain while they reached Joe, who was inspecting the door.

The back garden had a pool the size of an apartment, and it ended practically in the back door they were at. It was an exaggeration of house for a 20 year old guy who lived alone.

“I’d have to break the glass to get inside,” Joe said. “Same with the windows. If there’s people inside of the house, they’ll hear and we’ll be spending the night in a warm jail of NYC.”

“What about that one?” Darren suggested. It would not stop raining, and they had to roof their faces with a hand to not get raindrops in their eyes.

It went almost unnoticed, but there was a slightly opened hopper window at the top of the wall, probably in the bathroom, since they’re the ones most people usually leave opened for ventilation.

“Happen to have a ladder?” Joe asked, while they walked to the aforesaid window. Their feet splashed the water over the grass with every step.

“I have… shoulders.” Darren gave Lauren a look.

“I’m sensing that my body size will be conveniently helpful; inconveniently for me, of course.” Lauren looked up to the hopper window. It was mildly twice her height. Even in someone’s shoulders, she wasn’t sure she could reach it. “Okay, let’s do it before I regret this.”

Darren let out a large amount of air, “I hate to admit this, but Joe’s taller than me.”

Lauren shared a brief glance with him. All of this would’ve turned out to be nonstop torture in a common day, but they had spent enough time together that Lauren practically forgot she disliked him to the point of absolute distrust.

She nodded, and Darren sweetly held her neck and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“You’ll be alright.” He said. “Just, please, be careful once you’re in there.”

Darren’s head was hitting him with one hundred of horrifying possibilities of that situation turning out wrong enough to put Lauren in severe danger, but he knew that this was their only chance, and that it could go just right as it could go bad.

Lauren nodded again, suddenly a bit out of words. “I’ll open the back door for you guys, to be safer.”

Joe squatted in front of the wall, and Lauren put her feet on his shoulders –for the first time thankful that they were wide, her hands against the wall to support her weight in the case she lost equilibrium. Thank god she had good balance. Joe grabbed her ankles firmly and slowly stood up.

Lauren told herself to do anything but looking down. She sighed once the window was at her sight, in front of her. She stuck her arm inside, her hand groping for the support rod that kept the window in that angle. She needed to unlock it so the window would open completely, but it seemed to be out of her reach, and since the inside was out of her vision it was just impossible to locate. She stretched her arm as much as it was possible, feeling a mild pain in her shoulder.

“You got it?” Darren’s distant voice asked.

“I’m _trying_.” Lauren’s tone was desperate. She was standing on her tiptoes, trying to find the rod, and any small movement could make her fall down.

She finally groped the metallic object and her body instantly tensed. Unlocking it was a hard work in that position, and having a dry, less numb hand would’ve been a big help; but she made it after a while. The window practically fell towards the wall, inside, due the abrupt action, making a loud ramble. Lauren’s eyes widened, and she waited a while for something to happen. But there was nothing except darkness and silence inside.

Climbing up the window was like a piece of cake after that task. She hunched into herself as much as it was possible to pass her legs through the window and allow herself to land. It wasn’t the most graceful landing neither, but she made it in one piece and that was enough.

Lauren didn’t dare to turn on the lights of the room, but she still could see enough to know it was a bathroom. She had fallen on the shower.

She walked out, through a hall, until she reached the enormous living room. Everything was dark and silent as well, and there weren’t any signs of people being there recently. It almost seemed like a house a family cleans before going on a long vacation. It was clear that there was nobody in there.

The living room led to the kitchen, where she ventured to turn on the lights. She had leaved a trace of water in her path. She wanted a warm bath more than anything else.

When she opened the door, the two boys were already waiting.

“There’s nobody here.” She informed.

“Good.”

They rushed to get in, finally being safe from the storm. A thunder echoed furiously as the rain started to fall harder. Lauren closed the door.

They had their hair completely wet, adhered to their faces, and feet almost numb from the cold.

“I’m tempted to get a hot bath and put on some silk bathrobe, to be honest.” Joe said sarcastically, passing the kitchen door, lighting his way with the torch he had brought, until he found the light switch of the living room. He inspected the house, debating whether he was more disgusted or impressed, “Where are we doing this?”

“His bedroom.” Darren said firmly. “It must be upstairs.”

Another thunder, this time closer. Lauren gasped lowly; her startle response was altered every time she illegally broke into someone’s house. Practically simultaneously, a quiet bang resounded somewhere in the house as the lights went off in the entire house.

“I’m pretty sure that was the voltage circuit breaker.” Darren mumbled, “Joe’s got a torch. Maybe we should just do it in the dark.”

“That’s silly, I’ll find the switch and you guys can start without me.” Lauren suggested, grabbing Joe’s torch, who seemed too immersed revising Michael’s shelves furniture to notice.

“I’ll go upstairs then.” Darren announced. “Jo?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.” Joe said. His eyes were fixed on a portrait he had found.

Lauren glanced at it for a moment and realized it was a family portrait. He was watching Michael’s sister. She noticed, but she didn’t say anything and went through the hallway, still looking for the switch. Lauren wondered if he had noticed all of his pictures with her were gone.

There was a heaviness in her chest she didn’t shake off easily.

Darren avoided entering into the first room at the left in the first floor when he noticed it was the bathroom. He opened the door of the second room, but it was too dark to see a thing, so he walked inside, with slow careful steps not to trip over anything.

Instead, he sensed a sudden pain on his shoulder as he was pulled back. An arm surrounded his neck to the point of almost chocking him, and he instinctively tried to pull it away with his hands, nails sticking into the skin of this sudden aggressor, but another hand twisted his arm behind him, and that other urgent pain caused him a reflex of bowing mildly over himself. Whoever this was, he was not only strong but also was highly instructed to fight someone. He gave a few clumsy steps trying to get away from that suffocating grip, and while he did dragged his attacked a bit, he failed to push him away.

Then, the lights went on and he could only ask, angry at himself for not preventing it:

“Who told you?” His voice came out thin since he couldn’t catch enough air.

“I think you know.” Michael replied, standing up in front of him and observing his failed struggle to escape.

He should’ve yelled to warn Joe and Lauren downstairs, and he knew he should have. But the scream didn’t come to his body. So he did the only thing he could, that was letting himself be pushed onto the violet carpet in Michael Perkins’ bedroom floor. He placed his head to the side to avoid a rough bump, but the knee that was then pressed on his back with the weight of a man, and the yank of his arms being pulled backwards to the point of movement impairment, caused a pain that sort of blinded everything else. 

He could breathe, but the air struggled his way inside of him. Michael was saying something, but Darren couldn’t listen. The next thing he was aware of, was Joe walking in the room, watching that landscape gave him such a big shock that he became speechless.

“Of course you’d be here.” Michael observed. Darren became uninteresting, and he walked near the new guest, when Lauren entered behind Joe.

 Michael’s eyes widened noticeably.

“Well, _this_ is a surprise.” He commented, suddenly much more entertained.  “Lopez, I thought you’d be one to know that it’s rude to burst into people’s houses?”

“You know what is rude?” Lauren didn’t even try to contain the answer, giving a step as she angrily let out, “Attacking someone in their birthday party, in their own house!”

Joe pulled from her arm to move her away from Perkins. That could not be smart.

“Technically, you walked away from your house when it happened.” Michael replied. He seemed to be having a casual, slightly interesting conversation.

“Because you tricked me into it. And you stepped in my own house knowing how things were.”

He snorted, “Every single time I’ve entered into your house, I had been invited. Every single time; if that bothers you it’s irrelevant. You, by the contrary, decided that it was okay to come into my own bedroom when you thought I wasn’t here.” He made a pause, “I’d also watch that tone if I were you.”

“You’re not precisely the victim here, Perkins. Stop trying to make yourself look like one.” Joe said, though he did control the volume of his voice.

“No, but at least I have some manners, you know?”

He grabbed the bag from Joe’s hands and turned it upside down over the wardrobe, at the height of his diaphragm. He seemed a bit confused as he inspected the things they had brought.

“So, what was exactly the plan?” He asked, curious. “Are you going to tell me or do we have to bargain?”

Silence. None of them dared to answer anything, as if they’ve made a silent bow.

“Let’s, then.” Perkins sighed, then walked back to Joe again. “Give me your jacket.”

Joe just looked at him. He didn’t move at all.

Perkins made a movement and pulled a gun from his back pocket. Darren and Joe seemed to have guessed it, but it was only then when Lauren felt genuinely afraid. She truly did not know that man. What was Michael capable of?

He pointed the semi-automatic pistol to Joe’s chest first.

“The jacket.”

Joe continued staring into his eyes, defiantly and angrily, like if he made clear that he wasn’t quitting yet, but he took off his leather jacket and handed it to him with an abrupt movement.

Michael inspected every pocket and fold. There was nothing inside except cigars and a pair of keys.

“Tyler, let’s check if our friend’s got something over there.”

The pressure on Darren’s back became stronger as there were hands revising his clothes. He grunted lowly, the pain was almost unbearable, and he needed to take a deep breath that seemed uncatchable.

“He’s clear.” The voice above him said. Only then he recognized who it was.

“Which leads us to…”

 Michael pointed the gun towards her this time, and she felt like fainting, though she did not.

“Leave her the fuck out of this.” Darren couldn’t yell, but still made himself hearable.

“Do it yourself so I don’t have to look like an ass, sweetie.” He ordered contemptuously.

Lauren waited a few seconds before putting her hands inside the visible pockets of her jacket and turning them inside out. They were empty.

“Let me see inside.” Michael suggested, inconveniently close. He would not keep his eyes off her.

She knew they were screwed in that moment.

“I don’t have any more pockets.” She lied, opening only slightly her jacket, but when she was going to close it, Michael’s hand prevented it.

“Are you sure?”

Lauren was sure she was shaking from head to toes during the slow movement in which he slid his hand all the way to the bottom of the jacket.

_“Bingo.”_ He whispered.

Michael was so calm it was terrifying. He always seemed to be, and this wasn’t the exception. Of course he had his reasons to be; _of course._ He had a gun, a custodian that knew how to handle a fight, and it was his house. He had one hundred percent of the control once again.

He turned around the device in the pale fingers of his left hand, playing with it, while his right hand continued holding the gun, though it wasn’t pointing to anyone.

“I’m failing to connect the pieces of this. What was the plan?”

Silence again. Michael was starting to get visibly more impatient.

“I’m going to ask you one more time.” He pointed the pistol right to Joe’s face, though he didn’t move, not even one molecule of air. “What was the plan?”

It was silence once more. Lauren couldn’t stand it. What if he really did shoot?

“There’s nothing of your interest in there. We were just going to paint a message for you and then leave. That’s all.” She finally let out. Though her voice trembled a bit and the words sort of stumbled within another, she sounded reasonable.

“That’s a sweet move.” He admired, impressed, lowering the gun again. “What were you going to write?”

Lauren answered before Joe had the chance to say something rude and stupid.

“Just to let you know what we did.”

“And that the worst is coming.” Joe couldn’t stop himself.

“I can’t wait.” Perkins simply said, like if the thought excited him.

“Is this entertaining for you? It’s so easy to toy with people when you’re always the one with the power. It’s easy to play games when you’re out of the battlefield. You’re always the one behind the gun, whatsoever. You’re always the one that sends people to do the dirty job. What’s the merit if you never get your hands dirty? Of course, that changes when it’s a relative that wouldn’t put up with your bullshit. But that, I suppose, lies on the certainty that you know that when you’re on your own, you’re the one that ends up spending four weeks in the hospital –and just with the touch of two hands!”

Though it was frightening every time –any time– that a gun was pointed to somebody, this time it seemed more determined to have a purpose. He had unlocked the safety catch and Joe could stare right inside of the muzzle without an effort.   

“Shut the fuck up!” For the first time, Perkins seemed truly angry instead of calm. Obviously, that memory still hit on a fresh wound.

He had lost it within just thirty seconds only with the power of a few words.

“You’re gonna shoot me? Go ahead.” Joe didn’t even seem scared, his face had become mad red, but he was utterly certain of what he was doing. He grabbed the tip of the pistol, and pressed it onto his forehead. “Shoot me.”

“Joe, stop.” Darren cried, struggling in vain to get away from Tyler’s grip. The situation had gone way out of their hands.

Perkins grinned ghoulishly, but his eyes were wide open and his hand was trembling slightly. He was furious, but afraid.

“You think I’m too much of a coward to do it?” He challenged him. They were so close to each other that their voices had quieted without having them notice it.

“No,” Joe said firmly. “ _I know_ you’re too much of a coward to do it.”

A lot of things then happened hastily. Simultaneously, Joe’s head moved to a side as his hand sharply clutched Perkins’ wrist and twisted it to the opposite side where he had moved. One fragment of a second after doing this, he duck down enough to wrap his other arm on the back of Perkins’ knees, in that exact spot that destabilizes people. Michael fell to one side with a violent hit, and somewhere along that mess, whether from the abrupt and unexpected charge from Joe or purposively to hurt him, the pistol was shot, and the bullet hit the elegant floor lamp in the corner of the room, which blasted into little pieces of glass in the surroundings.

Tyler had stood up in an attempt to help Michael, but Darren knew he couldn’t miss the chance –even when his brain was telling him that the priority in that moment was to catch air–, so he hurled himself as he could to tackle Tyler. Fortunately, he had done it in the precise moment to make him fall. The spry boy was smart enough to fall onto his arms to lessen the hit. Darren knew he had no chance to win that encounter if he stood up again, so within the second Tyler was trying to stand on his feet, Darren grabbed his hair and smacked his head with all the strength he could gather against the edge of the feet of the bed.

It was a severe injury, maybe more severe than what he needed it to be; he could tell that right away. The side of his head instantly started to pour gushes of blood that slid to his neck and chest. But he was still somehow conscious, though he did not stand up.

Meanwhile, Joe had managed to twist Michael’s wrist to the point of numbing it. The gun fell to the floor, away from his reach, since he was lying down and Joe had immobilized him. Joe kicked him in the stomach with a knee to prevent him from moving for a moment more, as he crawled to get the gun.

Lauren hadn’t known how to react. There wasn’t much she could do, neither, having in mind the people involved exceeded her, physically, in experience and in audacity. She didn’t think she would dare to hold a gun in her entire life, less to point it to someone.

Joe helped Darren to stand up. Darren had a whitish hue, but he was gaining the color back as he breathed deeply. There was a wound at the side of his head, too, but there wasn’t a red river of blood emerging from it like Tyler.

Joe pointed the gun at Perkins.

“Outside.” He ordered, pointing with his head to the glass door behind them that lead to the balcony, to the storm. “Come on, now.”

He wasn’t going to allow themselves to find out there was another gun, or another secret being kept in that room. They had nothing to save them once they were out.

Perkins looked suddenly serene again. There still was anger in his eyes, but he wasn’t that stupid. He wouldn’t take the risk.

“You too, stand up.” Joe didn’t have mercy of the presumable contusion Tyler had. He kicked him softly in the leg, twice, to rush him, “Outside. Come on.”

He finally obeyed and followed Michael as it was possible through the glass door, to the balcony. Joe had never lowered the gun. Darren was right behind him.

Lauren followed them outside. The rain was falling so harshly on them that their vision was a bit compromised.

“I’ve fantasized about this so much.” Joe said, not loudly, nor madly. “Having you like this. Though, I must say, most times I thought about doing it with my hands. You know, much more lingering and… private. But this could not be so bad. Imagine your body falling backwards to the pool, your blood merging with the water. So poetic.”

“What do you want?” Michael was motionless, but his eyes were reddish and his voice weakened from fear.

“I want my friend back.” Joe replied slowly, looking at him to the eyes. “Can you give me that?”

“It wasn’t even me who did it.” Michael was crying and it was tremendously delightful.

“You were always the one behind it.” Darren said, bitterly. He had planned to not intervene, but he couldn’t avoid it if he was going to defend himself from killing Rick.

“Not with that.” Michael tried to explain. “That was –”

“I don’t want to hear this.” Darren said, stressed. He looked at Joe and whispered, “Give me the gun.”

Joe didn’t doubt it for a second, but he didn’t move away. Instead, Darren stepped closer to Michael. Nearly intimately closer.

Perkins had stepped backwards thorough that time, enough to hit the railing of the balcony. He glanced behind him, to the pool underneath. Despite Joe had given an entire discourse about murdering him, he seemed to think that Darren was the one with enough reasons, and that was why he was considering alternatives.

“Listen, I’ve gone hunting with my father my entire childhood, so trust me, I will still be able to catch you if you run. I could throw you in the air like a boomerang and still don’t miss to aim to your brains.”

Lauren mistrusted Michael. She even mistrusted Joe. But she hadn’t stopped for a goddamned minute to wonder what Darren was also capable of.

“Darren, don’t. He’s not worth to end up in prison all your life.”  

She had to raise the volume of her voice to be heard over the sound of the rain.

“You wouldn’t be able to take the guilt.” Michael was quick to join Lauren’s argument, which upset her immensely.

“Oh, shut up, nobody’s talking to you.” Lauren walked closer to them, but she didn’t touch Darren. He was too immersed on his decision.

“I already feel guilt.” Darren said, then directed the gun to Michael’s right temple. Life was one minimal movement of an index finger to change for everyone. Michael gasped loudly. “What’s another crossed sin on my checklist?”

Lauren didn’t know how to make him understand that it’d make a difference. She later understood that she couldn’t do it, because it wasn’t her choice to make. You can’t stop people from ruining their lives, if that’s what they want to.

Maybe, deep down, Michael Perkins knew Darren wasn’t capable of murder. Maybe everyone present knew. But Michael Perkins was the one who dared to throw himself backwards, into the pool that was several feet under them, and to drag Darren along with him, gun and everything.

After a second, there was a loud splash.

“Oh, God.” Lauren reclined on the railing, but beneath them, with the rain falling so intensely, it was only visible a blurred silhouette of a tussle within the water.

Tyler, with his low capacity of movement and all, seized this to grab Lauren by the waist, and attempted to pull her over to the floor. Lauren screamed for a brief moment, before Joe was swift enough to aim an elbow towards his face, then pushed him to the railing until he fell to the pool as well.

Lauren was sort of stunned by the fact that Joe had saved her to say anything.

Then, Joe started to take off his shoes really quickly.

“What are you doing?” Lauren almost yelled at him. At that point she didn’t know what the hell was going on.

“Go outside and start our bikes.” Joe ordered her. With all the rain that’d be no simple task. “The keys are in my jacket. We’re getting the fuck out of here, _now_.”

He climbed to the railing and jumped to the pool. He and Michael were the only ones that did it purposively, which allowed them to take control of the situation. So Joe was able to stuck his head to the surface quite rapidly, while Lauren didn’t lose time and did what he told her.

Tyler was on the floor, next to the pool, coughing, and this time he seemed truly incapable of moving. There was blood in the pool, and Joe wondered if it was his. He hoped it so.

He swam to the place where he spotted Perkins, who hadn’t noticed him, and the situation was then clear. Michael was trying to drown Darren, pushing him down in the water, and he was succeeding. Bubbles of air were escaping to the surface, and there were waves provoked by the attempt of Darren to break himself free.

Joe grabbed Michael’s blond hair and pulled from it violently. The movement was unexpected and rough enough for him to let go. Before Perkins had the chance to fight back, he punched him twice on the face. He probably had broken his nose the second time, since it started bleeding, and he covered it with his hands as he whimpered. Fortunately, Perkins was neither a nifty fighter nor had a high pain threshold. He wasn’t much of a threat alone and without a gun.

_The gun…_

Darren’s kind of blue face emerged to the surface and he started coughing uncontrollably. He couldn’t see a damn thing, so he didn’t know where to head to come out of the pool. He felt Joe’s arms guiding him and practically dragging him to the floor.

He couldn’t stop the coughing no matter how much he tried to, and he couldn’t breathe neither, so he let himself spit all the water in his lungs for a long while. The anxiety lessened when he could stop. Then, he breathed deeply one, two, three times. The surroundings were becoming clearer. He was lying on the floor in Perkins’ house, in New York, he remembered in his head to ground himself.

Then he recognized Joe’s naked feet. He sat up when he was able to, and looked around.

Perkins was fifty feet away from him. He wasn’t coughing, but he was covered in blood –face, shirt, and feet. He had twisted his ankle, likely against the edge of the pool while falling, and a small part of it was raw flesh. Other than that, he looked miserable, but he wasn’t attempting to do anything.

“You all right?”

Darren nodded, but accepted Joe’s help to stand up once more.

“Go get the pen-drive. We’re leaving immediately.”

“And Lauren…?”

“She’s outside with the bikes. And, Darren,” Joe added, “hurry the fuck up. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Darren was too dizzy to make questions. He did as Joe said, ran upstairs and got the memory. Then ran downstairs again, climbed the gate and looked for the bikes. He asked to himself if it would stop raining sometime.

He was surprised that Joe wasn’t there yet. Both bikes were on, so he climbed his.

“Are you okay?” He asked as Lauren climbed behind him.

“Physically, yes. And you?”

“Physically, I’ll survive.” Darren said, impatient, “What the hell is Joe doing?”

It was almost supernatural, but after he asked it, the sound of a shot came from within the house.

“What the fuck?” Darren became paralyzed. But he had been in the garden literally three minutes ago, and everything was in control. They were leaving immediately, Joe said.

Two shots more, one following the other.

“Shit.” Darren climbed off the bike the fastest he could.

“Darren, wait!” Lauren cried. “You can’t go back in there just like that!”

“I am _not_ going to leave him there, Lauren.”

But Joe was running through the front door as Darren walked to the gate. Apparently, without any severe injuries.

“What the fuck was that?” Darren asked him, while Joe was climbing down the gate.

“Perkins was trying to shoot me while I was walking away. But he didn’t get me.” Joe explained.

Darren didn’t remember to had seen Michael with the gun, and he didn’t understand how he’d get it. He doubted he could stand up by himself. But he might’ve seen wrong, since his sight was still messed up at that time.  

They rode in the bikes away from there the fastest it was possible. They only made one stop in the whole trip, in which Lauren gave them back their jackets and Joe’s shoes.

“Thanks.” Joe said, slightly shaking –probably from the cold, that was becoming a relevant issue again. “Riding a Harley while barefoot, not a great idea.”

“Do you think he’s okay?” Lauren asked to Darren while they got in the road again, finally heading home. “That guy you hit. His head looked really bad.”

Darren speeded up. The answer was delayed, like if he was near holding it, but finally decided to not do it so.

“Don’t get me wrong, Lauren,” Darren sighed, “but I really don’t give a fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent SO MUCH TIME writing this stupid chapter. Like, hours and hours and hours.  
> Reading reviews and getting likes and all that support makes me incredibly happy, and motivates me to continue, please please keep them coming.  
> I'M SORRY IT'S SO LONG! But tell me what you guys think of this? Thank you for reading!


	26. Kill the monsters

_“We used to wonder where war lived, what it was that made it so vile._

_And now we realize that we know where it lives… inside ourselves.”_

 Albert Camus.

* * *

 

**Chapter 26: Kill the monsters**

“I just want to sleep for the rest of the week,” Darren mumbled behind her. He was quite certain that he had never felt that tired in years.

Lauren suggested him to stay in her apartment for the night –at least what was left of it, and to avoid riding for another pair of minutes before reaching a bed.

Her hand finally found the light switch. She turned around to walk to the bathroom and take a hot shower to relax the muscles that were still tense from the adrenaline of that night, when she noticed that the living room was lacking the couch, one chair, the colorful posters of the wall, the DVD player and other various things. At first she thought she had been robbed, and her heart skipped quite a few beats.

The she realized.

“Caroline’s stuff is gone.” Lauren said. She opened the door of the girl’s bedroom with a slap of her hand. Completely empty. “She… it seems that she… she moved out.”

“What? Are you sure?” Darren asked.

“Of course I’m sure. What other reason could she have to borrow all of her stuff somewhere else?”

“Did she tell you something about…?”

Lauren shook her head.

She looked down to the empty spot where Caroline’s chair used to be, and before Darren had the chance to say something else, she went to grab her towel from her bedroom and get shower.

Fifteen minutes later, she was in her pajamas, sitting on the bed beside Darren. He had put on old clothes he had left there the last time, and he was cleaning the wound at the side of his head. Then, he put a small bandage he found in Lauren’s bathroom. Fortunately, it wasn’t a deep wound and, besides having to stand people asking what happened to him, it wouldn’t cause an issue.

“I can’t believe she’d move out.” Lauren let out after a moment of silence.

They did have the biggest fight of their lives, getting to tell one another the things they knew would hurt them the most. But moving out without even leaving a note was another level of hostility. It was ripping the other person off your life, and letting them know you didn’t care that they were aware of it.

Darren didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry. Maybe she just needs time to come around.”

Lauren didn’t think so. Once Caroline had made a decision like this, it wasn’t likely to turn back and regret it. They had that in common.

Darren’s lips were on her forehead before she noticed, a hand delicately brushing her neck, coarse fingertips pressing on those particularly tight spots where stress focused. His voice came out low and sweet, like a subdued breeze; and she didn’t know if this was due tiredness or empathy.

“You will process this better tomorrow.”

Lauren nodded slowly. She slid under the sheets, resting on a side; but Darren’s gaze had fixed upon the bedside table.

“Is that Perkin’s gift?” He asked. The greyish package was under a pile of books, almost abandoned there. He remembered he had given her something during her birthday party, but the entire mess that happened afterwards got in the way of recalling it.

“I think so, yes.” Lauren was still thinking about Caroline, and how much it hurt the fact that she hadn’t picked on any hint of this collapse coming upon her.

“What is it?”

“I have no idea. I didn’t open it.” Darren was already reaching the package by the time Lauren answered. She sighed briefly, “I don’t know if that’s smart, Darren.”

“I just want to see what it is.”

He knew he shouldn’t have the second he did it. Turned out that the rare grey gift wrap was a paper. The paper of the day after Rick died; the section of the article of Rick’s death. Inside, a small red packet that clearly contained jewelry. It felt cold in his hands. A silver necklace, with the pendant shaped as the skeleton of a fish, and the letter _R_ engraved over it. A shiver roamed his spine, and he shifted in his place.

It was all a big joke, like everything that came from them was.

Darren should’ve been more angry than bitter, but it wasn’t what happened.

“It was in vain, all of it.” He spat, more disgusted with himself than anything else. “The trip, going into his house. We didn’t prove what we wanted to. It was a failure.”

“It wasn’t in vain.” Lauren contradicted. “The press will publish the article we wanted, and you got to humiliate and scare the shit out of Michael, afterwards. It might hadn’t gone as you wanted it to, but in my opinion, it was tenth times better. You can throw that to the garbage now.”

The harsh tone in her voice sort of snapped him out.

Darren sighed, “Yeah, you’re right.”

He threw the macabre gift to the can in the corner, aiming skillfully. Lauren was still looking at him by the time he got under the sheets, with tired, heavy eyes. Her hand, still warm from the hot water, encircled his arm as her head fell to the corner of his shoulder, soft hair grazing his skin. She mumbled something about turning off the lights and hoped he’d understand her messy sentence.

Darren had a twisted, sort of terrifying dream that included drowning in the ocean, hands tainted in someone else’s blood, and familiar voices screaming behind him. Every time, he woke up before he had the chance to turn around. 

Lauren didn’t remember what she dreamed of.

 

 ~

 

“Shit, shit. It’s late. It’s late.” Lauren cursed repeatedly as she looked at the time in her phone.

“Can’t you just skip classes today?” Darren cried, with eyes barely opened, and most of his body covered with messy sheets, watching her run from one side of the room to another while getting ready.

“No, you don’t understand.” Lauren explained, utterly stressed. “Today is the first presentation of the dramaturgy essay.”

Mrs. Wood’s class ended at ten, and it was already ten and fifteen minutes. If she couldn’t turn in the essay she had been working on the entire year, she’d loathe herself forever.

Darren covered his head with the sheets again.

“Give Mrs. Wood my warmest greetings.” The embodied voice announced.

Oh, she would.

“Mrs. Wood, please.” Lauren called desperately. She had found the woman closing the door of the classroom behind her. “Here’s my essay. It’s finished. I’m so sorry I’m late.”

The woman looked patronizingly at the paper Lauren was trying to hand her. The raised eyebrow said enough, but she still added:

“This is strange coming from you, Lopez.” Mrs. Wood disapproved. “The class ended almost half an hour ago, I can’t accept this.”

“I’ve worked so hard, Mrs.” Lauren cried. She was there; she couldn’t say no. She would never forgive herself if she did. “I promise if you read it, it’ll be worth it.”

The woman sighed, her lips tightening, as her hand moved away from the tip of the doorknob. “What is your essay about?”

“It’s about the concept of Shakespeare’s vision of love, passion and marriage, put in comparison and contrast with contemporary portraits of romance. It was a hard work, but I think I got some interesting conclusions.” She tried to sound as professional and it was possible to convince her professor.

The woman took the paper from her hands with an abrupt movement of resignation.

“I’m only making this exception because you’re my best student, but let me tell you that if this happens again…”

“It won’t.” Lauren assured, focusing all of her willpower to avoid smiling. “Thank you so much.”

It didn’t matter what everyone else said, but being the teacher’s favorite had its perks.

 

~

 

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you.” Two days later, Darren’s lips observed as they appeared behind the door. He grinned and held her jaw to give Lauren a brief peck on the lips. “I didn’t buy anything to cook…”

“Don’t worry, I brought lunch.” Lauren assured, walking inside of the apartment as she showed the paper bag in her hands before leaving it on the table. “I didn’t have performance class, so I thought I’d step by and see if you were home.”

It was a lie, she had known for a week she wasn’t going to have that class, but she wanted to surprise him. She sat down at the table, bit her lip and grinned; in that order. Her fingertips were sort of tingling. She hoped it wasn’t too obvious.

“I have something for you.”

Darren raised his eyebrows, looking genuinely intrigued. He took the seat beside her. “You mean _besides_ the food?”

“Besides the food.” Lauren grabbed the small blue package she was keeping in her bag and placed it on the table, containing a mix of anxiety and excitement.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but it kind of scares me.” Darren commented, though the gratitude was transparent in the sudden shine of his eyes. He hummed a marching melody in an amusing anticipation as he opened the gift.

It was the same book he watched her reading that day in the beach, _Love in the time of cholera_. Not another copy of the same title, but the actual book, with its worn out corners and folding marks and Lauren’s name neatly written on the first page.

“I’ve read that book like ten times since I was little. It means a lot to me, and I wanted you to have this very same copy of it.”

Darren could tell beforehand that it was a deeply private symbol, but he was a bit confused about it.

“You’re amazing, really, and don’t get me wrong but –can I ask why now?”

Lauren’s lips bent as she shifted in her seat.

“It’s just that… I’ve noticed that you said something to me, a couple of times…. Something that’s got significant weight, and this… It’s not that I don’t feel it, but I just find it very difficult to say out loud. I guess that this is my way to express it.”

Darren raised an eyebrow. “Lauren Lopez,” He called funnily, as he always did whenever he wanted to make fun of her. “Are you trying to tell me you love me?”

“I’m trying _not_ to say it, actually. Thank you for your attention.” Lauren was in the middle of her attempt of standing up from embarrassment, when Darren’s arms caught her legs, sabotaging her escape, and then pulling from her hands until her face –red from the struggle and laughing- was at the same height as his.

“Thank you,” He gently said then, looking into her eyes and cutting her laugh all of sudden. “I never really aspired to get this far, but I feel like the luckiest man alive knowing you feel like this.”

Lauren slowly squatted to maintain the eye contact more comfortably. Her wrists were still held by Darren’s hands, but the grip was tender now. “What do you mean?”

Darren’s eyes squinted a tad while choosing the right words.

“That I think the last time someone has ever been so involved with me, I mean the _real_ me, was like ages ago.” He shook his head. “I never thought the person who did it again would be someone like you.”

Lauren was feeling heat in her cheeks, and Darren’s words were causing strange combination of bliss and sorrow in her stomach.

“Someone like me?”

“Yeah, you know, someone that has their shit together. Someone whose life wasn’t a complicated shithole before they met me.” Darren cleared it like if that was pretty obvious.

Lauren frowned, a bit upset. “I don’t have my shit together. I’m not sure I ever really have had it.”

She failed to recognize a point of her life that was standing still. She had to incriminate the best friend of her boyfriend to save him from a lifetime in jail that her own mother was trying to get him into, which pushed the already weak relationship between the two women even more distant, at the same time she was responsible of making sure her mother’s illness didn’t get out of control, and get assistance if it did, even when any attempt of help was rejected. Plus, her roommate had abandoned her, and she couldn’t even manage to turn an essay on time.

Darren’s fingers were burying gently on the scalp of her hair, on the top of her ear, and they slid through it in a very delicate gesture. There were times when he treated her so gently, she could easily start to think she was made of nothing but steam.

“You’re different. You’ll figure out what you want on time, and you’re gonna get it. And you won’t ruin it. You’ll keep it together when you have to, and you’re smart enough to protect yourself when you need it.”

Lauren wasn’t sure she understood what that speech was genuinely about, but there was something about it that made her feel miserable. For him and for herself.

She shook her head, “You are just as capable as I am. You can do everything you just said.”

Darren rested his back on the chair, his hands loosening slowly to the point of letting her go. Lauren could point exactly at the time when Darren would decide to swallow a thought. It was impossible to ignore, it felt like if there was a curtain falling down between them, and he was suddenly so far away that she could touch him and feel the plastic underneath her fingertips.

He had grabbed the book and started to check it out, or pretended to do it so. Lauren didn’t force the previous conversation.

“Ready for tonight?” She asked instead, sitting on her chair again and taking the lunch out of the paper bag. That night he was going to open the event in her uncle’s hotel, but he didn’t appear to listen. “Darren?”

He seemed suddenly deeply focused in the book. Lauren wasn’t sure it was genuine.

“Yeah, I sure am.”

“I’ll see you there at eight thirty p.m., all right? Don’t be late, the show starts at nine and they’re very strict.”

Darren nodded, his eyes still glued on the printed letters of the book. Lauren bit her cheek to not repeat it until he paid attention, but she was sure she couldn’t hold it too long.

Darren leafed through the prologue, and his eyes focused for a moment on the beginner lines of the first chapter.

_It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love…_

_~_

Looking back into it, it was incredibly naïve from her part, but when she arrived five minutes later than the hour when they were supposed to meet in the Battle Creek Hotel, she hoped to find him there already. After wandering through the hallways backstage, between the staff that kept greeting her continuingly, she gave up and decided to wait for him in the wings of the stage.

It was by eight forty when she started to feel a bit nervous. It was usual of him to arrive late, but not when it compromised her as well. Wes, her uncle, walked past her and said something like needing to make the sound check within the next five minutes, no exceptions.

_Sure, don’t worry, he’ll be here in any moment,_ she assured, and waited for him to be at a certain distance before getting her cellphone and searching for Darren’s name.

She didn’t know whether to be worried or angry after three calls that were unanswered. So she allowed herself to be both, as she then called Rachel’s number in an attempt to find Darren’s current location. It rang for a long, torturing moment before she picked up. As if they had time to lose.

Rachel’s voice was almost a scream to make herself audible over the constant hubbub in the background.

“Hey, Lo, what’s up?”

“Hello, Rachel. Listen, this is urgent. Is there a chance you happen to know where Darren is?” Lauren asked, wincing slightly because of the annoying noises at the other side of the line.

“Darren?” Rachel continued sort of yelling, “Hell yeah, he’s here at the Hole, of course!”

The sound of bikes engines dazed her for a brief moment, and she hoped that Rachel was just messing with her.

“He’s… he’s –Sorry, _what?!_ ”

“He’s running a race right now, Lauren! I can’t put him on the phone at the moment, you can imagine.”

Lauren blinked a few times, in the verge of a crisis of hysteria. “But –but it’s Wednesday.”

Nothing about this made sense.

“Yeah, but he arranged a race like, two hours ago. I didn’t think anyone would come, but you know how people are. They’re so bored with their own lives that this place is full.”

“But –Rachel, listen to me. He’s got an event here in the Battle Creek Hotel, in _ten minutes_. What the fuck is he doing in a race?”

Rachel seemed confused about her involvement in the issue, so she just said, “I don’t know. But last thing I saw he was winning. Maybe he’ll get there later?”

_But he needs to be here now. Not later._

Lauren wanted nothing but to throw the phone against the wall and watch it turn into a dozen of tiny pieces.

“Is there something I can do?” Rachel asked, worried about Lauren’s silence.

Lauren breathed in and out before replying, “No, there’s not. Thank you.”

Lauren wasn’t used to disappoint anyone, and least her relatives. That’s why it was profoundly damaging for her pride when Wes started asking where the hell Darren was, and continued to give a speech about responsibility and the reasons of her generation being nothing but lazy parasites living off the hard working people. And she had to stand it through and through, lips sailed and constant nods of head. She didn’t say a word to defend herself or Darren.

She remembered that was another reason she didn’t work with her relatives. It was tenth times more upsetting to get yelled at by someone who had seen you wearing diapers.

“It’s past nine, I have a crowd waiting and no one to fill the space until nine thirty. My night will be remembered as an absolute failure, thank you very much.” He finished before turning around and walk like a madman towards the other wing.

Lauren ran a hand through her hair, sighing deeply. She should’ve never given him the opportunity to have a relevant event, or to represent her world in any way. Darren and commitment would never be hand on hand. She’d never forget he did this.

Just when she was thinking on how disappointed she was, a strange hand slid through her waist as a mild scent of cigars and fresh air hit her.

“Hey, babe. Hope I’m not too late.” Darren was grinning slightly, and his guitar was already hanging from his shoulder, like if he was casually getting to a rehearsal ten minutes late.

Lauren directed him a glance she hadn’t given him since the first time he tried to talk to her.

“You get on that stage before I have the chance to kill you.” She warned him coldly.

Darren didn’t test his luck.

 

It was incredible. Lauren tried to remain angry, but it was physically impossible. The gig was the most amazing performance she had ever seen. Turned out that there was a group of fans among the public, and within the first ten minutes they jumped from their seats and formed a crowd in front of the stage, and they wouldn’t stop dancing and singing along for a single moment.

The diversity of Darren’s set allowed him to gain the approval of the most distinguished characters of the dinner, and his closing songs were the most acclaimed by the group of teens, which at some point lost it completely.

Darren was amazing. She had never seen him so devoted and intimate with his music, and she didn’t know if that was because he had drank before going onstage, or because of the race, or because of the adrenaline of arriving late; but it was a success. Wes ended up gratefully hugging Darren, showing his tender side once again, and Lauren held the need to ask if he still thought they were lazy parasites.

The concert finished after two extra songs the crowd begged him to play, and Wes –stunned and flattered- approved from the side of the stage. When the event continued with the upcoming numbers, Darren approached Lauren in the wing of the stage, completely covered in sweat but with an expression of absolute satisfaction drawn on his face.

He looked at her with eyes that asked for an opinion.

Lauren shrugged, her arms crossed over her chest. “That was okay, I guess.”

“You’re right, I guess I couldn’t notice because of that annoying crowd screaming my name that blocked my view.” He said sarcastically, putting his guitar on its case.

But Lauren had the comeback rehearsed in her head. “I won’t say a word until I have dinner and a bottle of wine to forget the headache you put me through.”

“That sounds great,” Darren grinned, “Because your uncle mentioned something about taking whatever I want from the kitchen.”

He grabbed her hand, gave a wink she merely rolled eyes at, and quickly pulled from it.

He really meant it when he said whatever he wanted, and they almost didn’t find the way to carry all that food and wine in Darren’s bike. They rode to Darren’s apartment, because Lauren was avoiding to stay in her place for as long as she could. The emptiness still reminded her of Caroline, and she wasn’t ready to deal with it.

“I can’t believe you got there forty minutes later. You are such an asshole. You have no idea what I was going through back there.”

She was sitting on the floor of Darren’s room, the plate of spaghetti empty besides her; as she promised to do. Darren was serving another round of wine as she continued complaining. They had brought the TV inside of the room, and even when Lauren wasted fifteen minutes until she found a movie she thought suitable, the film became nothing but background noise very quickly.

“I just got there fashionably late. All musicians do.” Darren seemed a bit entertained with the conversation, and not a bit ashamed of his behavior.

“ _Fashionably late!_ You’re unbelievable. That’s certainly a _you’d-get-fired-if-this-was-a-job_ late.” 

“Well, I did it my way and it was a success.” Darren said, his hands gesturing at the side of his body, the cup of wine between his fingers stirring slightly. “It’s going to be an admissible method someday, trust me.”

Lauren shook her head, mad at herself for not being able to maintain her completely justifiable anger.

“Now, are you going to explain why the hell you arranged a race at the same time? Besides, obviously, wanting people to yell at me.”

Darren didn’t reply instantly.

“I needed it. You know how things have been complicated lately. Without the race, I probably would’ve done something much more stupid, like not showing up at all. And we both know you’d probably never forgive me that one.”

Lauren took a few sips of wine, the strong taste invading her mouth.

“You bet your ass I would not.” Lauren angrily let out, half jokingly, half letting out the last tinge of resentment slip.

Darren laughed shortly. Then he placed the glass on the floor, and slid through the carpet the feet amongst them.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered sweetly, then gently kissed her cheek, teasingly leaving his lips there over her skin. He knew too well that was the only way to debunk any argument of hers.

The warmth of his breath crashed against her neck, and Lauren closed her eyes; the hand holding the glass slowly lowering until it fell upon the floor. Lately, things have been too complicated to have time to merely feel one another, or kiss, or close their eyes at the closeness of each other.

Darren slowly kissed the line of her jaw, and his lips slid to catch the skin of her neck in a playful sucking. She tilted her head in an attempt to press her skin towards Darren’s mouth, and teeth scraped against her before he reached her lips. Lauren knew that both of them smelled like wine and dry sweat, but she didn’t let that inhibit her. Darren’s kisses always had the perfect balance of familiar comfort and a renewed passion that swiped her off her feet.

They made out for a long while, there in Darren’s bedroom floor. Then Lauren whispered something like _thirsty_ , Darren raised an eyebrow and Lauren rushed to clear _of wine_ and reached out to grab the glass before he could see the pink color of her face.

Darren dragged himself to the bed, and she was soon to follow him. They made love with the lights on, within lazy conversations and for a long time, forgetting the food on the floor for a long while. An hour later, Darren claimed he was hungry again and reached out for a plate without bothering into getting dressed.

_Careful with the crumbs_ , Lauren suggested, amused by that scenic landscape. She was covered with the sheets and yet still felt slightly vulnerable, while Darren had no issue in walking around the apartment like a showman. Lauren wasted now thirty minutes until she found a movie that seemed interesting, and fell asleep within the next hour.

So, logically, she thought it was the TV the one that awoke her with a loud disturbing dialogue, and was surprised to notice it was Darren talking on the phone.

She glanced at the window to confirm it was not yet dawn. Darren sounded extremely distressed and confused in the phone. It had to be an emergency.

“Darren, what the hell happened?” Lauren asked, her voice coming out a bit hoarse. The boy was getting dressed so hurriedly, he managed to throw, clash and step into several things.

“I have to leave immediately. It’s Joe.” He answered, and his voice was quivering.

“What’s wrong with him?”

He seemed to be confused about it. “They arrested him.”

Lauren’s heart skipped a beat. She sat up in an abrupt movement, “What do you mean they–?”

Darren was gone before she could finish the sentence.

 

~

 

Something about it felt wrong.

There are places that will always hold bad memories, even if they no longer represent a risk for you. This was Darren’s case when he walked in the police station. There was a part of him that believed he’d end up there sometime, someway, like a fate he couldn’t avoid.

He felt sick of the stomach, like if he was going to throw up the wine and the spaghetti of the dinner. So he sort of mumbled Joe’s name when the policeman was too busy laughing of a colleague’s obscene joke. He repeated it, louder this time, and it took the man five minutes to decide he was going to take him to the cells.  

Darren followed the officer through a lengthy, poorly lightened hallway before they got to the prison cells. He didn’t bother to indicate what was Joe’s cell, which was the fourth to the left, instead he just stopped walking and waited for Darren to do the same. He quickly started to talk with the prisoner of the next cell, incredibly unprofessionally, and that’s when Darren spotted him.

Joe stood up from the bunk and walked towards the bars, so desperately that his body ended up colliding into them. His throat emitted something similar to _Thank God_. Darren grabbed one of the bars with a hand, as if this gave them some privacy from the officer that was five feet away, or the prisoners pretending to sleep all around them.

“What the fuck happened?” Darren asked.

Joe was pale, out of breath and covered in sweat, like if he was the victim of an intense fever. His entire body was quivering mildly as he tried to stand still. He looked truly sick from head to tall.

“It’s Tyler Sagner.” Joe explained, his speech interrupted by constant pauses to gather air –or sanity, to continue. “They found him dead in Perkins’ house this Sunday. He is pressing charges against me.”

“Dead? How?” Darren cut, suddenly feeling out of breath as well. He had seen Tyler climbing out of the pool, or he was quite sure he did. He couldn’t be dead.

Lauren’s voice echoed somewhere in his head _. Do you think he’s okay? That guy you hit. His head looked really bad._

It couldn’t be. It wasn’t such a severe wound. It couldn’t be. But if it was, he should be the one in the verge of sobbing while his forehead kept bumping against the bars, and not Joe.

“Three gun shots.” Joe finally explained. “He bled out, and apparently Perkins couldn’t call the ambulance in time.”

Darren felt deeply relieved, but he hid it. He wanted to ask who did Joe think that happened that night after they were gone, but he preferred to prioritize his mental wellbeing. His friend seemed in the verge of losing his mind, and this was only aggravating Darren’s own stomachache.

“They won’t find any proofs, Jo. They’ll have to let you out.”

“But Darren –listen. I fucked it up. I really fucked it up.” He ran a hand through his hair, and Darren realized that he was shaking too intensively for it to be normal, even in that situation.

Joe glanced at the policeman, but he was too immersed in the condescending, loud chat with the other prisoner to even notice them. Darren got the closest he could to the cell, his forehead hitting the metal bar. From there, he could see perfectly the red netting in Joe’s eyes and the twitches of the smallest muscles on his face. And there was something else behind those eyes he could not decode.

Joe’s jaw trembled when his lips opened, but words came out a long time afterwards. And before they reached the air, Darren knew already that something was really, really wrong.

“I did it.” He whispered so quietly, that Darren wasn’t sure he heard what he heard.

So he didn’t say anything.

Joe slowly closed his eyes, and then, when he opened them, he looked at Darren directly. Darren had never felt a pair of eyes so heavy upon him. They were red and full of fear. Genuine fear that Darren was seeing for the first time in his best friend. They were practically asking for help. Asking _him_ for help.

“I killed Tyler. I did it.” It sounded almost like if he was trying to convince himself.

Darren would still not believe it. The nausea was making it hard to focus, and a part of him thought that if he focused hard enough, he’d wake up on his bed, and Lauren would tell him to turn the TV off before she threw it through the window.

“What are you saying?”

Joe gulped, his trembling hand wrapping around the same bar Darren did before, Joe’s thumb pressing Darren’s little finger. He was cold as snow.

“You were out with the bikes, and Michael started talking to me. You know how manipulative he can be. He waited until I was alone because he knew I’d be stupid enough to fall on his trap.” Joe explained, finally venting it all out nonstop, like a dam that had collapsed, “And I was. He told me it was all Tyler’s idea, always. He told me he was the one who lost the race and got punched by Rick, that he was the one who wanted revenge, that he was the one who broke Rick’s bike. He told me that only killing him would make justice to Rick’s death. I know it doesn’t make sense, but in that moment it did. So I did it. I shot him… three times, and then ran off. I fucked it up so bad, Darren. What am I going to do?”

Darren thought he’d not be able to talk if he tried to.  

“And that’s not it. They’re going to use this to charge all of their accusations against me. They’ll put me as the brain of their stupid pub and everything they did there. They’ll find the way to make it fit. You know how many things they will charge me for? I’m so fucked up this time. I can’t go to prison, Darren. You’ve got to help me. I can’t –”

Darren couldn’t find any words to say for the first time. It was a lot of information, and he didn’t know how to handle it. He gulped and remained silent for a moment, trying to find a tip to pull from that muddle that could put some order to it all.

“You’re not going to prison.” He finally said, though he didn’t know if that statement had a basis.

“You’ve got to help me, Darren. Please. They’ll give me a life sentence. I’m gonna be stuck in here all my life. Darren, I’m so fucked up.”

Joe was hyperventilating and continued repeating the same sentences like a broken record. He had never seen him like that. His eyes were madly dancing from a side to another, and his voice couldn’t hold a word straight. 

Darren’s arm got between the bars, and he held the side of his head to force Joe to look at him.

“You need to calm down, okay? I’m going to call my parents. They’ll get you the best lawyer they can find. You’re not going to prison, all right? I’m not going to let that happen. I’m not going to let it happen, do you understand that?”

It took a while, but Joe’s breath slowly reached a more normal rhythm. Then, he nodded.

“I’m sure we can get you out of here today with a bail.” Darren was trying to remain the calmest it was possible. He needed to be Joe’s firm pillar or else he’d crumble down.

“I don’t think they’ll allow a bail…”

“They will, when my parents call them.” Darren assured, “When we meet the lawyer, we’ll see our options. You can’t freak out before that happens. You need to stay calm and sane, and you need them to see that. All right?”

Joe merely nodded slowly again. Darren’s firm grip had worked into bringing him back. He was still shaking, but at least he was breathing like a sane person.

The officer then said something like _Thelma and Louise, time’s out_ , but they ignored him.

“I won’t leave. Okay? I won’t.” Darren said, “I’ll stay to see what I can do to get you out of here as soon as possible.”

“Please, don’t leave me here.” Joe whispered as the officer pushed Darren’s shoulder the way out. Darren’s wrist hit the bar with that pull, making a quiet gasp of pain slip out of his throat.

“I’m not.”

Joe watched him walking away through the lengthy, poorly lightened hallway, until the pressure of his forehead against the bars hurt severely.

And Darren didn’t mean it to be a lie, but the first thing he did once the policeman walked him out, was to run to the nearest passage, bend on his knees and throw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!!!!  
> Please review so I can feed the attention seeker monster inside me. I will love you for ever. Pretty please? Thank you!! - N


	27. Oedipus' eyes

_“ How terrible—to see the truth when the truth is only pain to him who sees! ”_

       Oedipus' Rex, Sophocles.

* * *

**Chapter 27: Oedipus’ eyes**

A moment of expectant silence shadowed the question of the judge, until it was cut by a mild quiet, monotone voice.

“Not guilty.”

The prosecutor made a disapproving expression that was subtle and brief enough to become unnoticed for most of the attendants. The short look was supported by the quiet babble before the judge continued to give the date and details about the upcoming trial. It seemed that after they’ve showed the evidence, it had been implied that Joe would plead guilty. Darren noticed, and it upset him tremendously. What did they know?

The only evidence they had was Michael’s gun, which provided fingertips of its owner, Joe and Darren. It did prove that something happened that night, but what kind of deliberated murdered shows up without their own gun? At least they’d be blameless from that accusation. Though Darren still sort of wanted to punch Joe for leaving the gun there in Perkins’ house after doing… what he did. He supposed that he was utterly frightened and bewildered only three seconds after pulling the trigger, which blinded him enough for such an oblivious action.

The preliminary hearing finished within the next twenty minutes.

“Do you really think we can do this?” Joe asked, nervous to the core. He had been reluctant about pleading not guilty ever since the option was proposed.

“Absolutely.”

The lawyer met them for the first time the morning after Darren’s visit. Darren had given five turns around the block while trying to get himself to call his parents before actually doing it. It was his lowest point since he had moved back to Los Angeles in his freshman year. He had to stand it through his own voice repeating an apology over and over (not that it wasn’t honest, but it’s just that he hated it because he’d never be able to apologize  enough), his mother’s crying and ranting over the phone and _I know I should’ve called… it’s been months, yeah… I’m sorry, I’m a terrible son, I know_ ; before letting the bomb drop _–I need help with something over here._

The caring, loving but not disappointed nor surprised tone of his mother sickened him to the guts, and he remembered why he had decided to never call them again. _Oh, my dear. What did you do this time?_

So Elisa Hawkins, a 30-something brunette long-haired woman wearing a suit and bordeaux lipstick showed up three hours later with a cup of coffee and a severe this-is-not-my-usual-work-time expression. She informed them after digesting the story that they had two options: Take the blame and try to go for the shortest conviction using the card of self-defense, or playing it hard and plead not guilty, knowing it’d imply to lie to the court and make up a story that didn’t exist, whereas disparaging Michael’s version. Joe was diffident but Darren didn’t hesitate to speak for his friend. He was _not_ going to prison, period.

The bail was not a cheap one, but Darren’s parents have provided him with a shitload of money in his bank account after his ten minute long apology. _Solve all your problems_ , they said, which should be a hopeful statement. He still felt sick since he put a foot inside of the bank, but it needed to be done, so he did.

They went to Joe’s place after the preliminary hearing. Jim cooked lunch for them as they shared a restless silence, sitting across each other on the table. Jim finished his dinner quickly and announced he was going to take a nap before heading to his classes; acting like if this was just another day in their lives. Darren had almost forgot that there were any classes going on that day, but his mind wasn’t in any place to deal with it nevertheless.

Joe pushed his half-empty plate away from him, placed his elbows on the table and his hands tangled within his hair as eyes became closed. A sigh came out of his throat sounding almost like a quiet sob. Darren didn’t think he’d have any more strength to cry; he looked intensely exhausted.

But he waited a long moment before asking it quietly.

“How did this happen, Joe?”

Joe opened his eyes and looked at him. Darren’s tone wasn’t reprehensible, but rather tender.

“Don’t tell me that you’ve fucked it up, because we’ve established that already. You can tell me what happened. Let it out.”

If there was something Darren knew about, was that the only thing worse than having to lie to everyone, was to keep the secret only to yourself. If he didn’t let it out, it’d consume him. And Darren didn’t care. He’d seen and heard horror at first hand before.

“It’s difficult to explain.” Joe finally started, lowly, forcing the words all the way out. “It’s blurry in my mind, yet I can’t seem to push it away. I mean, I sort of considered, in my mind, at times, that if I ever got to pull the trigger, Perkins would be the one at the other side. I’m not going to say it didn’t tempt me. But I always thought that if I got the chance, I wouldn’t do it.” He wet his lips and shook his head.  “But that first thought, the one that considered me capable, was also the one that got me so fucking scared of myself, and I guess Perkins saw that, and he took advantage of my instability. I’ve never been the unwavering one, anyways. He directed me towards Sagner with his words. You know how manipulative he can be. In that moment, it made so much sense; I felt I was finally thinking clear. But it didn’t –it didn’t make sense, and I stupidly messed everything up.”

“We’ll get you out of this.” Darren announced, and his tone was so convinced that it seemed likely to be true. “I can’t meet with you and Margaret tomorrow. Mrs. Riley is giving an exam and I can’t miss it this time. But, come over to my place by the evening? Then you’ll tell me all about it.”

Joe nodded slowly. But there was something behind his eyes, still clinging to that last confession. Darren knew that there are details you can never truly let out. They are the ones that torment you the most, and they belong deeply to yourself.

 

* * *

 

 

 

“But did he do it?” Lauren’s voice in the phone sounded somewhat less judgmental than what Darren expected it to be. “God, Darren.”

“He’s still my friend, and he needs my help.”

Something had told her since the start, that the only possible ending for that story was for one of them to step as low as they did. She couldn’t help but to feel grateful that it wasn’t Darren.

“I’ll come over to your house when I finish tutoring. We can talk properly then. All right?”

“That sounds nice.” Darren said. Honestly, that day had been long and dreadful, and he couldn’t wait until they were lying half-naked on bed and hearing each other’s voices fading until falling asleep. “Bring dinner, if you can. I haven’t gone grocery shopping yet.”

“Okay. I’ll see you then.” Lauren started whispering as she walked back to the classroom. “Take care.”

Lauren couldn’t focus adequately in the entire day. There was a low buzzing in the back of her head, and she felt uneasy, at the expectance of something undefined. She tried to shrug it off and remind herself that this was none of her concerns. Tutoring was. She’d take care of the next item as it came.

So when she stepped inside of Darren’s apartment, she couldn’t help but to feel she was interrupting something. And Joe’s words did nothing but to feed that sensation.

“This is the perfect timing.” He said calmly, though his expression didn’t match his voice. He was sitting down on Darren’s couch while he was looking for something in the fridge. “I was just thinking about you.”

“Me?” Lauren tried to ask casually, but she couldn’t help the anxiety starting to climb up on her. “How come?”

“I had a meeting with my lawyer today. Did you really think nobody would join the dots together?”

Lauren felt breathless, trying to convince herself that this was the paranoia inducing her into seeing things that were inexistent.

“What are you talking about?” Her voice came out so fake and plastic it could’ve been read off a script.

Joe stood up, confronting her, and she just confirmed it. He wouldn’t be so pissed if it was anything else. “Don’t play stupid with me, princess. _I know_. My question is, what did I do for you to hate me this much?”

Of course Caroline would tell him about all those horrible things Lauren had said during their fight, and she didn’t need to be a genius to realize that adding it up with what she had done on her own, it was all going to blow up on her face.

Lauren merely shook her head, words unable to come out. Part of her wanted to believe that he’d feel compassion and keep it to himself for one day more.  

“I’m assuming you didn’t tell Darren about it.”

“Joe, don’t. Stop it.”  The words tripped onto each other, and she wanted this moment to just end, whatever was going to happen to just happen, because she couldn’t bear to stand through it. It was going to be terrible and she could not do it.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Darren had walked near them, and was confused by the way the tension between the two had seemed to arise so quickly.

Joe looked intensely at Darren as he said, “Nothing, except for the fact that your girlfriend framed me.”

“What?” Darren laughed, because _–honestly?_ What else was he supposed to do? “That’s ridiculous, Joe. It’s Lauren we’re talking about. She would never do something like that.”

But Joe was immersed in his new discovery, how the riddles finally fit and he wanted everyone to see it.

“They were supposed to put _you_ in jail, Darren, remember? But Perkins and, of course –your precious girlfriend’s mother, changed their charge only about a few weeks ago, from you to me. It wouldn’t normally make sense, right? If only there was a reason someone wanted to save you and sacrifice me in the way…”

Joe glanced at Lauren, and he held that enraged, silent gaze, which made Darren doubtful. “That’s completely untrue. You can tell Elisa she got it wrong. Right?” He asked, now looking at her, expecting her to defend herself instantly. Like it was logical to. “Lauren?”

Lauren could’ve lied, she supposed, but she was so certain that she’d start crying and give the truth away nevertheless, that she only breathed in and out and let the silence be the confession.

“Lauren, tell me that’s not true.” Darren’s tone had stopped being amused, and it became austere instead.

His eyes only looked at her for three seconds before realizing, something in his expression and entire body language turning tense, like if he felt the pinch of a knife on his back. He sighed deeply, running a hand through his forehead as his throat let out an _Oh, god_ that came from various corners of his mind. He did not speak until after a long moment.

“You did this behind my back?”

Lauren let her silence answer again, but Joe’s resentment wouldn’t let it pass so easily.

“You have nothing to say?” He stepped towards her once more, and Lauren could see the most detailed features of his face.

Lauren knew she should start apologizing, but she didn’t feel she could say a word without her inside tearing apart into little pieces, like a hand that’s held a glass too tightly for too long.

“It’s not my fault if you killed someone.”

She shouldn’t have said anything. When she finally spoke, her own voice felt like the glasses stirring her skin from inside.

Joe seemed so offended he could’ve punched her on the face. This time, she couldn’t really blame him.

“Yeah, and _what a coincidence_ that Michael had manipulated me into shooting someone with his own gun, to give him the perfect chance to make me fit into this story. I was willing to protect you if I had to when we went to New York, even if I didn’t like you, and all along you’ve been planning to turn this against me. You kept all of this to yourself so sneakily. No wonder you’d want to come with us in the first place. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind to your true intentions.”

“Joe, shut up.” Darren said steadily.

Joe raised his eyebrows. _That_ he was not expecting. “ _What?_ ”

“Leave us alone.”

Joe didn’t seem disposed to. “Have you not heard me? You’re not going to buy whatever shit she tells you, aren’t you? She betrayed us. She betrayed _you_.”

“Just get out. Please.”

Joe sighed and shook his head. He held up his hands, like if he was –once again, turning himself over.

“This is probably my fault, whatsoever. I should’ve never challenged you for that bet for a start. Then she wouldn’t have caused us so many troubles. Hell, she wouldn’t even be here right now.” Joe grabbed his leather jacket from the top of the couch and headed to the door.

“What is he talking about?” Lauren asked quietly.

“Nothing.” Darren rushed to say. “He’s just pissed.”

“Yeah,” Joe added sarcastically from the door, throwing one last severe glance, “I’m just pissed, that’s it.”

His face got lost behind the door as he finished that phrase. The slam of the wood against the frame could still be heard in the room, when Lauren interrogated Darren with her eyes.

Darren’s tone continued to be suspiciously quiet. “It’s just a bet we made back when classes started. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It obviously means something, or he wouldn’t have said it. Tell me.”

“Why? Because you’ve been so fucking honest with me all this time?” Darren spat.

A tense silence sank in again when Darren realized the hostility of his words. He rubbed his eyelids with the tip of his fingers for a moment, and then they slid slowly through his cheeks to finally fall at the sides of his body.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he muttered, looking suddenly drained, but he lastly said it, dragging the words, like if they really didn’t want to come out. “Just let me say that this was ages ago, and I didn’t know you. You didn’t know me. I had no idea I’d feel this way for you when I did it.”

He took a deep breath to prepare himself to let the bomb drop, and destroy whatever else could be destroyed. “We made a bet about getting to sleep with you first. I accepted it because I had just came back from Los Angeles, and I liked you, and I was –a dick, to be honest. Things between me and Joe were weird, and –”

“I fell in the way between you two.”

“Can’t we just forget it? I certainly did. It’s not the reason I’m with you. It has never been.”

But everything made sense in Lauren’s head. The way he stubbornly tried to contact her, and ignored the way she rejected him repeatedly and searched for the right manner to catch her attention. Her first impression hadn’t failed her: he only was trying to get her to bed. There was nothing romantic or destined to be about it.

Everything Darren did was so careless of the ones around him. What did that turn her into? Into someone like him?

“But it’s just the essence of you, isn’t it? Our relationship is based on one of your little games, and that’s where I always end up finding myself. This is where I’m finding myself right now.”

“Don’t make yourself the victim of this situation, Lauren, because there isn’t any. I didn’t make you do this, and you know well that you had no justifiable reason, to hide behind my back things that involved me and affected me directly.”

“I only did it to protect you, Darren!”

“Which I never asked for! You should’ve told me; you should’ve consulted me. But you choose to act behind my back, and frame my best friend? This isn’t something we laugh about in a bar; he can end up spending the rest of his life in prison. Do you realize how serious that is?” Darren’s voice only started to arise as he vent this, and he looked so hurt she couldn’t bear it much longer. “And when you made that choice, you were well aware of our relationship. I had no fucking idea.”

“It was either you or him. I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t believe you’re comparing that to some stupid, sexist joke you did to toy with me as a welcome-back-gift.”

“I’m sorry! Okay? I’m so, _so_ sorry!” This time, his voice had let the temper show bare, breaking the air violently, filling the room as if it was smoke. “What I did was incredibly stupid, and immature, and objectifying and whatever you want! And I should’ve told you! But _lord help me_ it was just a bet, Lauren. I wouldn’t keep a secret like this from you, ever. Fuck, I told you things I’ve never told anyone else. I trusted you with everything. I got so, _so_ immersed with you in this. How naive to think you’d do the same in return.”

Lauren pressed her lips together. She might as well let everything out. There was nothing to lose; not anymore.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have.”

“What?”

“You shouldn’t have gotten so immersed with me, if you knew the only thing we could do was to hurt each other. That’s the main thing we did.”

Darren shook his head. The volume of his voice came back to normal, but the pain on it remained the same. “The main thing I did was to love you. In fact, I don’t recall doing anything else.”

“Which didn’t turn out very well, Darren. You dragged me into this!”

“I _dragged you_?” Darren was losing the track of the conversation. He wasn’t sure he knew what they were fighting about anymore; he only knew that he was in severe pain, and that she wouldn’t fix it. She wouldn’t try to. “I always tried to –You always knew…”

Lauren sighed and told herself there’d be nothing more shameful than starting to cry right then. “Well, I suppose this is how we were meant to end. Pulling the ropes around our necks until they break. Let it be a lesson. You shouldn’t have ever been in a relationship because you just don’t know how to properly care for someone. I shouldn’t have followed you into your world and pretended to look without touch. Let’s write that down and be done with it.”

Lauren had turned around to leave, when he stood up in front of the door to stop her. The disappointment on his eyes was almost painful.

“I can’t believe you. You are obsessed with romance and finding passion in your life, but as soon as things get difficult, you take a step backwards and decide that it’s not worth to get involved in. You never fight for people. You don’t even fight for you.”

Lauren ignored the tear getting cold at the line of her jaw. “I tried to fight this in my way.”

“You tried to fight this alone, and against me.”

Lauren sort of couldn’t believe she hadn’t passed out. It was too much. She had never felt so many things at once. It was unbearable. She was hurt by him and she was hurt by the truth she couldn’t get herself to face. And this fight had been so long and painful and she knew it could keep going in circles. But she didn’t want to hear what he had to say. She wanted it to end.

A corner of her wanted to try to defend herself and say that it was her only chance, that he’d have never let her do it if he knew; she wanted but somehow Darren’s reply was already echoing in her head, telling her: _You still lied to me. Every day. You looked at me, smiling, and you lied to me. You kissed me and you lied to me. You fucked me and laid the entire night beside me and you lied to me._

Then she asked to herself, _it’s over, isn’t it?_

It almost felt like a memory already.

“You still won.” She finally let out, looking at him in the eyes.

Darren frowned, confused.

“Huh?” He didn’t seem capable of talking coherently anymore.

“The bet. You won it.”

Darren gulped and realized he was too exhausted to explain to her that the bet was cancelled months ago, that he hadn’t cared about the bet as much as he cared about a single one of her brunette strands of hair, and that the only thing going through his mind the night he first slept with her was that whenever they were over he’d be the one to suffer the most –which, for a brief amount of time, seemed unlikely to happen. He just knew that whatever he told her wouldn’t be enough, and that she’d see him however she wanted to see him, regardless the proof against it. And that you can’t force someone to fight a battle when they only want to turn to the other side and aim at you.

“I didn’t win any fucking thing from all of this.”

“Fine, if you say so. Then it will just be the best for both of us.”

“Oh, don’t play the honor card on me, will you? I could always tell when you’re setting it up.” He wanted to add that not really always, because _hell_ he had never seen this coming, but he bit his tongue. “Tell me you’re breaking up with me because I’m an asshole that made a bet over you in the first week of classes. Then I can’t judge you for leaving. But I know that’s not it. I can see it in your eyes that you’re so scared of taking responsibility of your involvement in things, on your mistakes and the fact that you have genuine feelings for somebody, that you’d just rather ignore all of it. You’ll pretend this never happened, that you never fucked anything up and go back to that life that makes you so miserably unhappy that you have to make academic success everything you have for yourself.”

Lauren looked at him for a while, partly unable to believe they’ve told each other this –but they’ve done it, tying rocks at one another’s feet. Then she muttered, almost tenderly, “Goodbye, Darren.”

She walked past him, and this time he couldn’t attempt to stop her.

Part of Darren wished that the discussion would’ve lasted even longer and that she’d scream to him until there was no more air in her lungs, because there was something so painfully violent in the silence following the slam of the door. Like if your opponent decides to abandon the battlefield and leave you lying on the floor, bleeding to death.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. Please let me know your enraged thoughts and curses.


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